It’s amazing how something only the size of a poppy seed (now perhaps anywhere from a sesame seed to a rice crispy) can wreak so much havock on body. I’m settling into a bit of a rhythm with being pregnant; getting used to being tired (and planning ahead to nap), hungry (and packing food wherever I go- mostly to keep me from being nauseated), and taking all my pills, potions and suppositories as part of the continued IVF protocol (to last until about week 8). I am moving from the disbelief to awe. What I’m not quite used to is the hormones and what they are doing to my body.
Last Wednesday I got a call from a long-time client. She never calls in the middle of the day so I knew something was up. When I answered I could hear strain and tears and even panic in her voice. She was in the car driving from So Cal to SF to be with her 28 year old niece who had, just that morning, lost her full-term baby. On Sunday the baby was kicking a lot, by Tuesday when she had her next and final OB appointment, her baby was dead. I was shocked and saddened, to say the least. I coached her through it, loved her up and when I got off the phone I felt like I wanted to throw up. But, the day went on and I finished with other clients and other work and tried not to focus on it.
Thursday morning I woke up convinced my baby embryo was dead. Sure of it. I woke up depressed. Not just a bit down or under the weather but like I’ve never felt before. Like, wow, this must be how people who have depression feel. Embarrassingly, in the past I’ve been one of those people who had compassion for those with depression but always thought that if you could just generate, or focus on gratitude or be in the right actions/do the right personal work you could, at the very least, climb your way out of it. (When I told that to Gina over dinner Thursday night, she said, “Feelin’ like a bit of a schmuck not aren’t ya?” And I was). I now have much greater compassion for people who have depression- chronically.
To try and feel better that Thursday morning, I got in the shower even though I didn’t need one. In there, I could feel the emotion building. By the time I stepped out, I started bawling. I couldn’t even hold it back. There I stood, wet and dripping and in a moment, I heard the front door unlock and open. Gina came in, took one look at me and (God love her) thought something bad had happened. Neither of us said the “m” word, but I knew immediately she was afraid I had miscarried again. So I quickly told her (with the towel wrapped around me like a little girl), “I’m just crying and I don’t know why…” This was followed by more sobs. She wrapped her arms around me, not caring if her suit got ruined for work that day, and just held me until I quieted.
Later that day, I indulged my desire to climb under the covers and stay warm. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of bed and go see clients, I felt hopeless. Blue. Down. Apathetic. Fatigued beyond fatigue. I hadn’t yet put together my client’s traumatic loss on Wednesday and my dark cloud on Thursday. It took Gina to point that out in bed Thursday night.
By Friday morning, the cloud lifted a bit thanks to good lovin’, lots of tears and religiously listening to my first trimester affirmation audios.
Friday promised to be a fun day. I had a call with a colleague that I love. My friend Sonja was popping over with her baby Lucas to give a congratulatory hug that had been long awaited, I was scheduled to attend a house meeting for the office space I rent, I had my first pre-natal yoga class and, finally, I had plans to hang with my mama-friend Krista, whom I hadn’t seen in ages!
The talk with the colleague was awesome. Time with Sonja and Lucas amazing, as always (and that congratulatory hug was totally joyful). The house meeting? Not so great. I was ready to talk about everyone pitching in to hire a house cleaner when the landlord busted out with, “I need to evict you all. I’m a product of the recession and my business is failing. I simply need the house back. You have 30 days from today.” Shit. After my initial shock, I went back to my home office and started looking for a new space. Right now it just seems like a major pain- I just got settled, LOVE the space (and the guy I sublet it to), business is growing. Oh, and I just got pregnant! But, there must be a silver lining and I am determined to find it.
By early evening, I headed out to my first pre-natal yoga class (ironically just around the corner from my office space, taunting me with the recent blow). When I got there however, I was transported into a soft space with candles, bamboo floors and women with HUGE bellies. I spoke with the teacher, Anne, who is about 5 foot tall on a good day and the kindest soul I’ve met in long time. She asked my pregnancy history and I told her. I felt sheepish for being in the class so “early along”. In fact, I even lied about how far along I am. I said 6 weeks when really I was just 2 days over 5. How funny is that?! Later I told truth and even later in the evening had a good laugh with Krista about it. But the women were awesome and totally supportive, regardless of how early I was attending- encouraging even. We went around 1×1 and shared our names, due dates (I HAVE A DUE DATE!!!) and any other pertinent info (sex of baby and what kind of birth we plan to have). Without my even mentioning I felt depressed earlier in the week, the teacher shared with me that she “had a dark cloud over her the entire first trimester but that by the second, it just lifted.” How did she know to say that? It was so affirming. I’m on a new ride and it occurred to me then (again), my job is to surrender.
When it was my turn to share, I told them that it had taken five years and a few miscarriages. Three out of the five other women shared that they too had miscarriages which was so great for me to see them now only weeks away from having their babies. I can do this! I also included the part about IVF. I noticed that I was embarrassed to say the IVF part out loud (particularly in such an all natural, organic environment) BUT, I’m on a mission to take the shame out of getting medical assistance when needed and making it so that every woman has her needs met and feels nothing but proud and good about being pregnant. And if there is one thing I’ve learned from being gay is that just telling it like it is and not hiding or being ashamed IS what gives us (all) freedom. The truth shall set us free. And so I spoke.
One thing I learned is that no matter how great and amazing people are, everyone has an opinion about all things related to babies and birth. “You are having a home birth aren’t you?” they all asked. I replied that I had always planned on it but it’s 5 years later, I’m 38 may have twins and that I’d just have to see what feels right for us now. “There is a midwife in town who will down twin homebirths you know.” I told her that yes, I knew and that we happen to have an appointment with her on Monday, still we’d see. No one was ill intentioned, in fact, quite the opposite… it’s just a new world and I’m clearly learning the ropes.
In the end, the class was so fed me…I needed to be with these women; feeling their pregnant vibes, seeing how my body not only will grow but through yoga, how it will get strong in new ways specifically designed to have a powerful labor (however I/we choose to have it). It was also amazing to be so heard by all these women who are on the other side of the first trimester and were more than happy to validate every little part of my experience. To boot, the music was awesome, guided imagery was moving and I loved and included in this community that I’ve so longed to be a part of. In short, it was powerful and perfect timing.
Dinner with Krista just kept that vibe flowing. She has to be THE HAPPIEST person for me/us (maybe right next to my mom). And that’s sayin’ a lot cuz I know every single of you are super-duper, cry for us kind of happy. Krista LOVES being a mom and loved being pregnant. She’s been on the Nursing Mother’s Counsel since her first born and been on this journey with us all the way. Though we had talked on the phone, this was the first time we’d seen each other since I learned I was pregnant. She hugged me and cried and cheered and even rubbed my baby belly! Then, over her real margarita and my virgin mango margarita (almost just as good!) we caught up for hours. She shared her pregnancy and birth stories with me and listened to every little bit of pregnancy so far. It was the perfect way to end the day.
Despite some rough parts of the week, the love, friendship and community parts always outweigh it all in the end, don’t they?
Seems like a theme here in this blog, but I just can’t say enough how grateful I am for the power of my community, my friends, and most of all for my amazing wife.