It’s been a little while since I’ve written last. Truth is, I’ve been so sick and tired I just haven’t had the energy. It’s all I can do to see clients and figure out what I’m going to eat every three hours. Mornings tend to be best (despite the ubiquity of the totally inaccurate term “morning sickness”) and so, I’m excited to get to write a bit and share with you here on this damp, cloudy Saturday morning.
The Twin Thing
Well, yeah. Quite a shock, eh? If you’ve seen the video you know that my eyes saw the two embryos long before my mind registered it. I can honestly say, I have never been so dumbfounded/gobsmacked/shocked in my life.
In fact, that first day of just telling y’all 1×1 was fairly surreal. Most of you asked me how I felt about it and got a fairly vacant response like, “Well, I don’t know. I guess it’s good. Seems like a lot.” Followed by a lot of silence. But as the day wound down my emotions surfaced and it became clear that truly, I was scared shitless. I came down with an intense case of TMJ that was so painful by 10pm that the shooting pain in my ear could stop me in my tracks.
The next morning, I saw my chiropractor for my TMJ and then called a wonderful Somatics and Trauma therapist I know from Hidden Lake. She is such a wonderful healer and as luck would have it, the mother of twins. As soon as I called her she heard something funny in my voice and asked if I was okay. Of course, I immediately burst into tears… “I’m sick and tired all the time, feels like I constantly have the flu, my boobs and lower back are killing me, I have this TMJ that is out of control and, and… I know I’m suppose to be happy about this but I just found out I’m having twins and…” (and then I just broke down crying).
Judith was amazing. She loved me up and told me to come on out there that day for a session. For those not living in Portland, I’ll share briefly, the weather has been brutal. It’s been gray, rainy and cold since November. We had about 30 days of gray in a row, but on this day, there was a bit of a sun break– truly a blessing from above. I made the gorgeous 45min drive out to Eagle creek with my packed lunch in tow and bent my friend Krista’s ear on the phone half the way.
By the time I got there I could feel the anticipation of letting all this pain and shock go. Judith and I sat in the sunroom and I cried, a lot. She validated my experience in so many ways. She shared her own shock when she learned she was carrying twins as well. For years she had been communing with her “baby” and this just seemed impossible and so NOT what she had dreamed or imagined or lived into. That’s exactly how it was for me! In fact, the day of the transfer when Gina and I were “putting back 2 embryos” (higher chance of pregnancy, we’d come this far, docs and staff all recommended two, etc.) I said to Gina, “It’s okay, honey. We can put in two because I KNOW we are going to just have one.” No joke. That is exactly what I said. I thought I could “feel” it. I was SO SURE. But, like everything else along this journey, where I once thought I could trust my intuition and my body I no longer can. And then in other ways, my intuition is even stronger. It’s like getting to know a whole new me.
Judith used to run two support groups for parents expecting multiples, called “Multiple Expectations” out of St. Vincent and Emmanuel hospitals. Did I get lucky or what? She assured me that in all her years, with all her parents, she hadn’t met one mama who wasn’t going through the shock and grief that I was. “It’s a dirty little secret”, she told me, “that they either forget or don’t talk about… but they all go through it. Once you are on the other side, you are going to LOVE having twins, but right now, just let yourself be here in the shock and the grief. Grieve the dream you had of holding, nursing and giving all your attention to one baby, having a home birth, using a midwife… don’t rush this part of the process. You’ll be overjoyed soon enough. For now, let yourself just be here.” It was the most sage, powerful, wonderful counsel I could have heard. And I took it to heart.
By the time the session was done my TMJ pain had gone from an 8 to a 4 and by the next morning as I was at a 2. I just kept releasing the shock and grief and my jaw followed suit. Something else cool happened, too. I started to feel connected to these little beings inside me. I started to think about how they chose to come in together, to be siblings, to have Gina and I as their mamas. My heart began to open and I began to feel a new dream emerging. That felt wonderful and vulnerable all at the same time. Now there are two babies to open my heart to, two to love and worry about and I suddenly felt twice as vulnerable. And so the roller-coaster goes.
Health
So, to say this week was big and wore me out is a gross understatement. I’m at 7.5 weeks now and wonder how I’ll make it through another 5-7 weeks of this first trimester nausea. The women in my pre-natal yoga class who are in 2nd and 3rd trimesters who have really suffered from ‘morning sickness’ totally get this and it’s validating and affirming. They assure me it will pass and I’ll feel like new woman, to just hang on, stay home as much as possible and sleep.
My hormone levels are rising now as my body begins to make it’s own progesterone from the placentas (yes, double the hormones, likely why mamas of multiples tend to feel more sick). So, even though I’ve come off the synthetic meds, my levels are now higher than they were back at the last blood-test when they were so high and they took me off the estradiol.
Either the hormones or the TMJ (stress) are giving me a pounding headache this past week and the things I normally did for relaxation are no longer available to me right now (bath, wine, massage) so I’m trying to find other things: laughing, walks, yoga, audio relaxation cds, talking to my babies, or sometimes I just go to sleep hoping to get a break from feeling so crummy.
I’m pretty much sick from dawn to dusk. Ironically, I feel a small reprieve from the nausea in the morning for about an hour. But then, a few days ago, I threw up during that hour, so go figure. It’s hit or miss really. I’m exhausted all the time and my social life has gone in the crapper which is fine for now. I’m having to reschedule weekend plans and social visits, trips. All I do is work part-time, eat, sleep. Certain rooms and articles of clothing are associated with the nausea now. I call them “the nausea pants” or “the nausea room”– it’s kinda funny. I’m doing all kinds of things for the nausea: sea bands on my wrists, acupuncture weekly, homeopathic tincture, lemon, ginger, water, eating bit of food all the time, sucking on things.. truth is, it all helps a bit but nothing really takes away the feeling that I either have the flu or am hungover all the time. Day after day, week after week.
My boobs hurt beyond belief– especially at night so I found a light sleeping bra and it’s helped tremendously. I actually get a better night sleep.
My lower back has been funky this week, kind of sciatica like, sometimes pinching all the way down the back of my thigh. Clearly it’s not from carrying extra weight but rather from the hormone that is being released in my body called ‘relaxin’, designed to help my bones and muscles sort of soften and stretch in preparation for birth.
Feeling so nauseas makes eating a bit of a drag and a chore. It’s so strange to go from being such a foodie to “nothing sounds good and most things sound bad”. I’m totally off meat, can’t even stand the thought of it, so getting protein is a bit challenging. I’m not craving sugar or crap food at all so that’s good. I eat a tone of carbs and fruit. Then beans, nuts, cottage cheese, etc. Eggs are hit and miss. I’m way too tired to cook for myself. Gina has been managing all my food. Finally it occurred to me to ask for even a bit more help. My dearest Pema came over last night and she and Gina whipped up two soups, and all kinds of fresh green bean, sweet potato and other healthy meals and snacks for me. I just sat in a chair and watched while they drank wine, talked, laughed and cooked. We all shared a bowl a soup and by 9:30 I couldn’t keep my eyes opened. I went to bed and they cleaned the kitchen together.
It was an incredible stretch for me to not help and just walk away. NOT in my DNA but these babies are making me a new person. They come first, period. There IS no option to stay in the kitchen and help, I can’t even though I want to. It’s like I’ve been taken over by a new mama-self that is only focused on keeping my babies healthy via taking care of my body. It’s primal. Gina seems to get that more intuitively than I do (how lucky am I?!) and steps up everywhere to take over what I can’t… and simply, most of the time, to just take care of me.
My Mood
Despite that fact that I have never felt so many ailments at once in my life or felt so crappy, I am happier than I could ever have imagined. We are getting TWO babies!!! It’s an odd paradox but there it is. In my reporting above, my intention is to share the reality of what changes are happening day to day but I do not want to leave you without a full complete picture. I am miserable physically and over the moon in my heart (even in the face of feeling vulnerable and scared). I feel incredibly taken care of by Gina– in fact, I’ve never felt so cared for in my life. It’s surreal and wonderful and amazing.
Telling
As we get toward the end of the first trimester we are slowly telling a few more people each week. This week we told a friend who has twins. She was so happy she cried. Then we told my dad, who also cried, and my step-sister Pam who was giddy beyond belief. Telling people begins to make it more real, but still feels a bit scary given we are not out of the “danger zone”. I’ll feel another layer of relief and exhale when we get that next ultra sound, Monday, May 2nd.
Belly Pics
Because I’ve got two little ones in there my belly is growing a little faster than the average “singleton” baby belly. Already in my 8th week I can’t button my pants. I’ve got a belly band but it doesn’t really feel that great- maybe better when I get bigger. So for now, I’m doing the “rubber band trick” that my mama-friend Krista taught me. Also, my book recommended this be the week we start photographing/charting my belly growth via pics. So, here you go. Mostly, it’s just a big bloated belly from all the hormones but, it’s growing nonetheless. I’m including a pic of my belly a few months before we started IVF so you can see how it used to look in comparison.
Pre-pregnancy (and pre-IVF) belly
7 Weeks Preggers
7 Weeks Preggers
Rubber Band Trick