Completing the First Trimester

I’ve been drafting this blog in my head for weeks now and I’m sure I’ll miss all kinds of really cool things I wanted to share at one time but alas and again, I’ve felt so awful, I just haven’t had it in me to write. But the tides have turned and here we are.

The Sickness
After my last post my morning sickness/pregnancy sickness just kept going downhill- who woulda thought possible, eh? In hindsight now, I can see that it did that the whole way, from week 5 on, it just kept getting a worse each week. I would think it was at it’s peak and then low and behold, it deepened from there. Eventually I came up with a gradation system for both Gina and I to gauge what kind of day it was (as it seems easy to lose sight- especially when I was in the middle of it and all foggy-like). Here’s how I explain how I can feel (from least sick to most):

Car sick
Seasick
Light hangover
Heavy hangover
The flu
Food poisoning

Clever right?

Rock Bottom
For the duration of the two weeks after Mother’s Day I felt like I had food poisoning (with a good dash of seasickness on top of it). Every. Single. Day. All day long. Half of that time my mom was here, thank god. She was a godsend in all the ways she helped… it was such a gift. I lost more weight, couldn’t really get up off the couch or bed unless I had to, and mostly I moaned or threw up. Then had to force myself to eat food again when nothing sounded good but those babies needed nourishing.

The upshot is, it sucked. In the moment, I just kept trying to get through day by day but eventually I broke down. I had a good long cry. And when Gina came home from work that afternoon, I had another. And when I was so sick that night and thought about this going on much longer, I cried again. I realized then, that I’d been feeling sick in some way or another since I started the IVF shots on Feb 14th– it occurred to me that’s three solid months of feeling crappy– getting worse each week. It really was beginning to feel like some sort of strange torture.

The Gift
And then, like magic, the very next day, I had a good day. A better day at least. A light hang-over day. I could hardly believe it! The sun was shining and my mom and I went to the Rhododendron Garden where the baby ducks and geelsings were learning to follow their mama’s and papas and the flowers were turned on in full bloom. We walked, sat, talked, ate. I asked her all about being pregnant with me, her career life, marriages. In the end, I saw my mom through different eyes. My heart felt full with respect and admiration for her and her life. I felt proud of her. It was the gift of all gifts.

The Turning Point
After the garden, I had acupuncture (which always helps my pregnancy sickness). That same day my ND gave me freeze dried liver extract (from Oxen in New Zealand) as another way to treat the nausea (I eventually broke down and used the Zofran during that shitty 2 week period where I had 2 new clients and knew I could NOT throw up during their first sessions– it kept me from vomiting but didn’t make a dent in my nausea). She was still looking for something to help me even though we thought I’d tried “everything.” The idea of the liver supplement is that it helps the liver process all the hormones better. The liver gets overtaxed from trying to process the flood of hormones (much like when you drink too much and your liver can’t handle it so you feel hungover — often called “alcohol poisoning” only this is more like “hormone poisoning” in a sense- also why I didn’t take the Zofran more often as it just taxes the liver that much more). So, if we could support my liver, I could (hopefully) process the hormones more efficiently and feel better. So, I tried it: 1 pill three times a day.

The next day, I felt pretty good- again, a light hang-over only kind of day (which sounds bad on paper but was enough to make me jump for joy). I wasn’t sure if it was the liver extract or the acupuncture that was working. I also wasn’t sure if this was going to last or was I just getting a little reprieve which sometimes happens. The next day, Sunday, the day my mom flew out… I backslid. Felt horrible. After taking her to the airport, I laid in bed all day with queasyness abound and a pounding headache to boot. I was slightly disheartened but at least I’d had a reprieve and knew I could dig deeper (as my friend Sarah shared with me) and keep going… particularly if there really weren’t any other options.

I woke up the next day, Monday (of this past week) and felt okay– I was leading an all-day offsite (my most ambitious task in the past three months) so, for the second time I took the 4mg of Zofran to ensure I didn’t puke all over my clients. 🙂 My energy was coming back too, so overall it was a pretty good day. Then, Tuesday I felt a little better all on my own. By Wednesday I began to eat what I now call “real people food”— just a little bit at a time.  Thursday I felt only car-sick and suddenly I was famished. Hurray! I ate full meals every 1.5 hours. No joke! Friday I felt great, I felt “back” and thought, maybe I’m actually seeing light at the end of the tunnel! Friends tell me I look myself again and they can hear it in my voice and see it when I smile, how much better I’m feeling.

Saturday, I could eat more real people food (I even ate a burger from New Seasons- major victory!) and I’d gained weight! But I felt exhausted (so I took a 2 hour nap) and had a pounding headache which seems to have come and gone all week.  Saturday night (last night) I went to a little joint birthday soiree my friend Jen had organized for another friend and me. When I got home I was food-poisoning sick again. Couldn’t sleep until midnight I felt so sick. Sunday (this morning) I woke up at 6am, starving. Gina made me a protein shake and by 6:30am I was puking it all up (and peeing on the bathmat every time I heaved, until the mess in the toilet and the bathmat were on par). While a big fat bummer, you should be laughing because really, it is that funny.

The Sum
Despite that fact that I had a rough day yesterday and this morning, I DO think I’m headed out of the woods. Until this morning, I had done a full 5 days without vomiting AND with feeling markedly better in the nausea department. In fact, better every day- coming out just as I went in– progressively. I’m not sure if it was the acupuncture, the liver extract, the fact that I’m in my 13th week, or the fact that I came off the progesterone supplements that did the trick. Maybe the magical combination of all of those… anyway you slice it, I’ll take it!

The Hindsight
To say that first trimester was an intense time is an understatement… only now as the fog is lifting am I able to see how bad it actually was. From the shock of twins to the massive rash, to the TMJ episode, to the progesterone irritation in my yoni, to the pregnancy sickness, to all the emotional worry (and excitement even), the incessant salivating (apparently common for women with severe morning sickness), let alone the exhaustion…it was likely the most physically taxing time of my life. There is something surreal about feeling so sick for so long… it’s depressing, it’s hard for friends family and loved ones (on many levels), which sucks (to have it be hard on those around me) and it becomes hard to gauge what’s real or how bad it really is until you are out of it.

So What Have We Learned Here Today, Folks?
I’ve learned a lot about myself through this process… all of which I’m not even sure of just yet. I’m still digesting and processing. But there is something about vulnerability and surrender. And then something about my own identity that’s getting shaken loose, too. Like, I’m so used to “being there” for my friends and loved ones; definitely more comfortable giving and way less comfortable receiving. I’ve also found comfort in being someone who they like, want and/or need (whether a playmate or someone who “gets” them). It’s part of my unconscious MO you could say. Part of how I ensure my safety in the world (or my illusion of it anyway). But in this first trimester, I couldn’t be who I had been– and it unnerved me. They (friends and loved ones) may not even have noticed, or been just fine, or happy to support me even… then again, I know (cuz they told me) that some had their own reactions to my being so sick, not available, miserable and even downright bitchy at times (and naturally so). Regardless of how it was for anyone, it threw me off. And I know this is a good thing ’cause when these babies come, I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to be who I have been. In fact, I’m certain I won’t. I’ll be doing mama things and be in mama role that I’ve dreamed of for years which will be so wonderful… and, it’ll be different. Those babies will be the priority. Period. It’s like, this first trimester sort of shed me of my old self and helped make me into a mama right-quick. Maybe I’m stubborn and I needed this big of a kick in the pants to shake me loose. 🙂

So, I have a reframe now. That is, no matter how horribly sick I’ve been, it’s worth it to sort of “recalibrate” into this new normal, this eventual new life with two babies, a family of four. And I’m so grateful. Really, really grateful.