Open Heart

*Note: This post is long, but it’s a good one. Plus, photos await you at the end!

My Babies and Me
I am just shy of 18 weeks pregnant. Said another way, I’m well into my fourth month, closing in on my fifth. If I were having one baby, my uterus would be the size of a cantaloupe. With two, it’s about double that. My babies measure about 5 ½  inches each and weight just more than 5 oz each. They are the size of sweet potatoes. They are likely practicing sucking their thumbs and yawning. Though I’m only 18 weeks along, my belly and uterus are measuring more like a singleton at 24 weeks. I’m really “out there” now.

My pregnancy is becoming more of a mixed experience, much like I imagine parenting to be. That is, as my belly grows bigger and I have more outwardly obvious signs of pregnancy and the nausea lets up (thank the Goddess), I love it more and more. I mean, LOVE it. I look down at my belly with those babies in there about every 5 minutes (or less) and feel giddy. I stare at my belly in the mirror every chance I get—just in awe. I rub my belly and talk to the babies all the time. I smile and say to myself, or whoever is within earshot, “We did it. I’m pregnant!” And then of course there is the double blessing that we are having TWO babies. Just amazing. Truly.

Completing A Cycle
If you didn’t get a chance to read my blog post for Restoring Power, you may want to check it out. My take on the Privilege of Suffering the last few months.

In my last post I wrote here on this blog, there was so much I didn’t get to share about the Shaman visit. One of those things is this: not only am I on a Vision Quest (she wrote about our session on her own blog), but she gave me specific instructions to make prayer ties for the Sweat Lodge Ceremony that would take place on June 21^st, the Summer Solstice. She was told that my suffering and my Quest would end at the Solstice (about 14 more days from then). I found out I was pregnant on the Spring Equinox. Here’s to the power of me and Mother Nature, eh?

Given I had no idea what prayer ties were, she gave me instructions. I’m guessing you may not know either… so here’s the skinny. In short, they are little bundles of prayer offerings to the spirits—gratitude for the prayers they will answer. They are worn into a sweat lodge, hung from above during a ceremony of fire, heat, sweating and chanting. The spirits are said to come “read” the prayers and at the end the ties are all burnt in a bundle as the final offering and gratitude for prayers is answered.

Specifically, each prayer tie is made up of a small square of pure cotton cloth, pure tobacco placed inside, your prayer said over it, tied with pure twine and all linked together without the twine being broken. The idea is to make many. The more the better. My healer told me a story of a time she made 700 for one ceremony. Of course I could pray for whatever I wanted but the examples she gave me were about my suffering ending, my health being well and vibrant and the quest completing on the Solstice. You better believe that’s what I prayed for. That and a few for Gina and our babies, gratitude for my mom’s gift of IVF and one for my family and friends. I finished it off with a giant bundle of straight up gratitude to that which is greater than me.

The Days Following My Shamanic Session
I thought 2 weeks would be plenty of time to make the ties, particularly if I was feeling better but it didn’t turn out to be as easy as I thought. I got sick again. Yes. Again.

In hindsight, I see now that some sort of gift or magic at play again. It was week 14 (my Idgie number, my ubiquitous number, my magic number) that I had an amazing few days of reprieve. In fact, I’ve been seeing the number 14 everywhere again. It was a week I felt so much better. A time when I was able to be out in public, enjoying some sun, Gina’s Dragonboat races, my 17 year old niece Lindsay here… and then, on a dime, it all turned.

On the Sunday of Gina’s race I felt horrible. I thought I had that headache under control with the black tea but the ache fought against the caffeine and won; allergies set in and a mucous-y cough ensued, causing me to toss my cookies three times that day. All major meals. All a major drag (mostly for the loss of calories and protein which is so pertinent now in the second trimester with twins). From there on out, it was the same every day after… and since.

I’m so sick of writing of how sick I’ve been but it doesn’t work to deny it either. In short, the previous 15 weeks of morning sickness and growing babies, coupled with the allergies and 6-week headache depleted my immune system and I caught an upper respiratory infection (until now, I hadn’t been sick in years thanks to the amazing pre-natals and health care I get). I tried like hell to treat it naturally, seeing docs many times a week, taking herbs, tinctures, etc… but eventually, after 8+ days of incessant coughing and vomiting (which eventually caused me to pee myself all day and night and resort to using thick diaper-like pads 24/7, cost me 3-5 hours of sleep each night, pulled muscles, brought on uterine contractions that had me in an emergency visit to OB, created sore muscles in my belly and back, and made Gina and I sleep in separate rooms), I went on antibiotics. Yet again, another non-natural thing I thought I’d never do. And yet, as my friend Kerry reminded me, “the host needs to be strong.” She also reminded me that this part here is so much like parenting; we want to get it perfect for our children (our version of it anyway), and yet, we never will be able to do it all exactly how we want- but still, it’s good enough. Great even. Really it is. And so goes another lesson for me, early on.

Days later, done with the antibiotics, the infection was gone but I still was coughing to a degree that was detrimental to my uterus and my sleep. I got additional Chinese Herbs for a condition called “coughing during pregnancy” in Chinese medicine, more acupuncture and used some old world home remedies (hot bath, cold t-shirt and socks wrapped in wool, mustard packs on my lungs, etc.) and finally… FINALLY I slept all night long and the coughing began to subside. It felt like a miracle. I felt like a new woman.

Somewhere in there, I managed to make my prayer ties. Given the number 14 is special to me, that’s how many I made. I just made sure to make each one potent. I met with Lauri, the Shaman at our local Trader Joe’s and she took them to the sweat lodge ceremony with her (I can’t go in because I’m preggers—bad for babies to get that hot and fast).  She told me to pay attention to what opens and what happens the four days before and the four days after the ceremony on the Solstice, the 21^st. Before I handed them off to her, I placed them in the shape of a heart and took a picture of them.

The Solstice Sweat Lodge Ceremony
About 17 people were at the Ceremony. Lauri intentionally gave my ties to a woman who had birthed two children. This woman wore my ties around her neck (with her own) and carried them in the sweat lodge for me. Without Lauri telling her anything, when all was said and done, the woman said she felt the prayer ties were for a woman who was having a difficult pregnancy. Said she could feel the potency of my prayers for relief and wellness.

The night of the Solstice Ceremony, I was home feeling yucky; puking, coughing and doing my routine to feel better and sleep through the night. Around 9:30pm, while the ceremony was going on about an hour away, Gina and I stepped out onto our front porch and watched a blazing sunset… on fire in color and it’s glory. I could feel the power of the ceremony that was taking place right then. I intentionally kept myself with them in spirit. I let my prayers be answered.

Three Days Later
Though still throwing up in the mornings and occasionally in the evenings (but NO nausea so it really ain’t no thang), and still working through the headache and allergies, I began to mostly human again. I’ve even found more humor in getting sick than I ever thought possible.

I got myself showered and dressed and headed out to lunch with my friend Kerry. It was such a lovely visit. I showed off my blossoming belly to all her staff (people I have known and cared about for years) and received much love and adoration. My visit with Kerry, as always, was sweet and insightful.

On the drive back, I was reflecting on our visit and I noticed how much I contain my joy in the presence of others. I was thinking about how being sick these last few months has been so all consuming that even though I have been happy to be pregnant, what has been most primal, most demanding of my attention has been my well being (or lack thereof). Now that I was feeling better (even just a day or two in), I could feel my joy seeping in but I could also feel my heart guarded, my smile not totally full and my joy not quite fully expanded. I could feel my heart and happiness slightly contracted and withheld. Subtle, but true. I thought part of this is just “gun shy” but there is a part that has a much deeper history than just this pregnancy. I remember when I was younger feeling so much happiness that I could just burst or cry regardless of where I was or who I was with. Still driving, I thought, “I want that again. I want that now. I want an open heart, open joy and expansion in the way I feel my happiness about this pregnancy… no matter who I am with. It’s time.”

About 10 minutes later I pulled in to the bank, my last errand on the way home. Before I got out of the car, I called Lauri to see how the ceremony went, as she’d asked me to do. It was 3 days past the ceremony.

She shared, “Each ceremony is different and the lesson/message/theme of each one arises a few days before. This sweat lodge was about opening our hearts.” At first I was dumbstruck at the serendipity of what I had just been thinking. Then I smiled to myself, already feeling my heart opening, my joy expanding.

When she was done speaking she asked me, “So, what have you noticed over the last few days?” I told her not only of turning a corner in my health but of the revelation I had just had in the car driving– about the containment of my joy, the guarding of my heart’s happiness about this pregnancy. Though I couldn’t see her, I could feel her own joy and happiness for me. She told me how thrilled and honored she was to be a part of my process.

We hung up, I walked in the bank and made my deposit with gratitude. Smiling and feeling all pregnant as I walked out, watching people look at my belly and smile as we passed, I was playing the conversation with Lauri over in my head again. I heard her ask, “So, what have you noticed in the last few days?” And this time something new occurred to me; it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Cue “going back in time” music
That morning, before I showered and left to see Kerry, I received an email through my website from my god-mother, Mary. Mary was like a second mother to me and had an incredible amount of influence on me growing up. The relationship was very mixed though, wrought with guilt, obligation, her alcoholism, intense judgments, criticism and negativity. We eventually lost contact when I moved to Oregon and she to AZ – over 10 years ago. Coincidentally, in the past few months I’ve looked for her online. Not quite sure why.  Just curious I guess. Seems she was nowhere to be found–not even in the obits.

Weeks prior, back in my shamanic healing session, Lauri had said, “I feel this quest is also about healing with your mother.” At the time it didn’t really land because I’ve done YEARS of healing work with my mother, specifically the last year and in our most recent 10 day visit, it was obvious that my mom and I have come to a place of peace and love with each other. So, I sort of chalked that up to, “Hmmm… thanks, but that’s not really hitting the mark.” And just took all the rest.

It never occurred to me that it was my god-mother that I was being called to get complete with. And clearly, if I wasn’t able to find her (not that I would have made contact anyway), she found her way to me. Of all the years we’ve been estranged, of all the months, of all the days… she contacted me– out of the blue– in the four days after the Solstice ceremony.

Her email was succinct and to the point, “Regina. This is your god-mother Mary. Please call me. (insert phone number).”

When I first got the email I was sort of pissy about it. Really, it was my heart deeply guarded. The hurt that was associated with Mary was intense when I was younger and clearly still had some hold on me today. At lunch, I asked Kerry her thoughts about it and she reminded me that I’m all grown up now. If Mary is calling to make amends then that’s wonderful but if nothing has changed, I now know how to hold my boundary, take care of myself. It was like a lighting bolt insight. So obvious once she said it but until that moment had been so far away.

Cue “back to present moment outside the bank” music
So there I am walking from the bank to my car. Feeling all connected and warm given my conversation with Lauri when bammo, it hits me about Mary reaching out in the 4-day window after the ceremony. I remember what Lauri had said in our healing session about “healing  the mother stuff.”

I got back to my car, stunned. I sat there in silence for a moment. I thought back to the theme of the Solstice ceremony—Open Heart. I felt into my own guarded heart about Mary and in that moment, I knew, unequivocally and without a doubt that my learning, my lesson here, was to face this head-on with an open heart. Mind you, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still heed the counsel from Kerry. I am a grown-up and I can set my boundaries if needed—but this time, not in reaction-to or in defense-of or as a strategy to stay safe, but rather, from an open, connected place that is present to my heart and ultimately to what is best for my family and me. It occurs to me that maybe the spirits had their own offering to me: perhaps all this sickness, and even this wellness, this email from Mary, is all a chance to practice my open heart. Perhaps it is a gift.

Update
It’s been about three days since I wrote the above post. Since then, I called Mary. I got her vmail and we’ve been playing a bit of phone tag. Slow is good. I hope that we reach other sometime this week. I’m scared, but my heart is open. Even if I have to keep reminding myself.

As for my health… so much better! It’s amazing!!!! I feel better and better every day! It’s grand! Unfortunately, Gina is still a bit sicker than me, but it’s running it’s course and she has good old-fashioned drugs so she’s on the mend, too. We are still sleeping in separate rooms which is a drag (you know how I love to cuddle) but the payoffs are worth it for both of us. I’ve had a few nights now where I’ve coughed very little and I’ve slept most of the way through (other than the getting up a few times to pee).

I still have this headache to contend with (it’s been since May 10^th) and a bit of allergies (congestion, red eyes, post nasal drip and slight cough). And, I still throw up each morning (and then sort of chuckle) but all in all, it’s really not that bad. In fact, I’m giddy most of the day now. I’m working on eating more and making up for lost calories and weight and getting on with more “normal pregnancy stuff”: feeling short of breath, slight heartburn, more difficulty in getting up & rolling over and being stuffed quickly… all things that actually feel FUN. Wacky, I know.

Mostly, I’m just so, so happy. I really do feel like I’m on the other side of a Vision Quest. I feel like I’ve been through an initiation of sorts, having walked through the flames. I feel whole again. Me again. Only better. I am grateful for the learnings (that I know will continue).

For now, I’m getting on with living this dream of being pregnant. Of showing off my baby bump, looking cute in the summertime, getting the babies’ room ready, enjoying Gina rubbing, kissing, oohing and awing over the babies in my belly, researching twin strollers… and tonight I actually felt a baby move inside me! And I can feel the joy!!! ALL of it! I’m in utter awe.

Wednesday we have an ultrasound. We’ll find out the sex of the babies. Jury is still out as to whether we’ll tell everyone what the sexes are (other than to family) but knowing us, we won’t be able to keep the secret.

So… stay tuned. I have a feeling the best is yet to come.