I feel a bit embarrassed about how long my last post was. I think this one will be much shorter… we shall see. I keep reminding myself that this is my place to process, journal and share and those who have this link can read as much or little as they like. Still, I feel a bit shy about it… even when I’ve got a lot to say. 🙂
On Being Normal
It’s about 5:30am and I’ve been up since 2:45am. First hungry, then bathroom, then… well, just head spinning I guess. All my preggy books say if you can’t get back to sleep it’s likely hormones so just get up. So I did. Tea, reading, a little writing. Here we are.
I can feel myself (and Gina) getting a bit more… hmmm, not sure. Nervous maybe? We look at each other every night and remind ourselves that our lives are about to completely and utterly change in a matter of weeks. Not only that, but we’ll have TWO human beings in our home, in our bed with us. Two human beings that we’ll be responsible for in every way 24/7. Sometimes I wonder what the hell we’ve done! In the next moment, I can hardly wait to meet them.
I can tell we are both feeling the pending transition emotionally and physically. Besides my body being obviously ripe, I have tension in my shoulders (where I usually don’t), and my jaws are tight… dangerously close to feeling TMJ-like. Gina is one moody gal seemingly as teary, impatient and irritable as I am most days. Then of course, there’s the obvious sign of some kind of “stress” in that I’ve been up since 2:45am and can’t sleep– head spinning with thoughts of things left to do, ensuring a good latch for breastfeeding, did I read all the books I wanted?, will I finish all those Thank You cards before the babes arrive?, and what the hell will I do when my mom leaves tomorrow and I don’t have all this help cooking and cleaning so I can be on bedrest?
Intuitively and in reading, I know it’s all quite normal and that irks me even more. I hate being so… ordinary. 🙂 Alas, here I am, a complete stereo-type; a mama-to-be in her last weeks of pregnancy– uncomfortable, ready, hormonal and head spinning. I’ve watched a lot of friends try to conceive unsuccessfully as of late, so I suppose I could reframe all that that and be really damn grateful.
The Pep-Talking OB Visit
Gina and I saw my OB last Friday (10/21). It was a good visit. A little sad because my mom didn’t come into the appointment with me. She was in town but I wanted to discuss some private matters with my OB and so she didn’t come into the room as I’m sure she would have loved to (but she did go to an hour long ultrasound the week before so that makes me happy).
In the appointment, Gina and I discussed all our wants and desires for a sacred Cesarean birth; skin-to-skin, delayed cord clamping, as little separation as possible etc. and were so pleased with our OB’s responses…she said that’s how she does all her C/S’s anyway. We both felt relieved and happy that we chose this OB (for exactly this reason).
Dr. Lara looked at estimated weight of babies and said with a big smile, “Fan-Fricking-Tastic! You are doing so great, taking all my advice, hedging your bets and it’s paying off big time. I wish all my patients were like you.” Even though she has said this before, it still made me smile and feel good about all the sacrifices Gina and I (and my mom and friends) have made to grow these babies healthy and big. It really has taken a village.
Nonetheless, given we are just a few weeks out from 38 weeks (the Golden GOLDEN ring), it became time to schedule our Cesarean Section. “If one turns (she was speaking more to my hope than to her opinion) we can always cancel, but it’s time to get it booked and hold the space.” We looked at the dates, picked 38 weeks to the day and she called L&D right then and there while we listened in and waited. November 16th, 7:30am. Just like that, our girls’ have a tentative birthdate. Not how I imagined it at all but I must confess, after all the loss, grieving, and processing, I actually feel excited.
After we scheduled the C/S and my doc swabbed my yoni for Strep B, she asked how I was doing. I started to cry again, told her it was really hard and that I think I needed a pep talk. Boy howdy, was she the right person to give it.
Dr. Lara Williams did not miss a beat. She took a breath, sat upright, turned to me squarely, looked me in the eye and said this:
“I know it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. Your body is working miraculously and SO hard to grow TWO human beings. Can you even fathom that? Your immune system is compromised in a way that it’ll pull from YOUR DNA to meet the needs of your babies! All your life force is going to them. You are measuring 46 weeks… most women never have to feel the intensity of what you are feeling. You are so close now. In the homestretch. 34 weeks and 2 days. Your babies’ weights are already big enough to be out of the NICU and by 35 weeks, just 5 days away, we can be assured that your babies would be out of the NICU given their lungs will be developed enough.Â
So, little milestones at a time. First one is this: 5 more days. You can do that. 5 more days until next Wednesday and you have babies that don’t have to be apart from you in a plastic box (you do NOT want that trust me).
Then, one week after that–36 weeks– and you’re  home free. We dance naked on the tables, remember? At 36 weeks you can go home from the hospital with your babies… as soon as possible. That’s it. Home with your babies safe and sound. After 36 weeks… it’s gravy. I still think you’ll go 38 weeks, you are doing so well, but in terms of their health, you are so very close. You are going to have two beautiful, healthy daughters really soon.”
Then she stood up, came over and gave me the kind of long, tight hug that, even if you try to get out of you can’t, you simply have to surrender into it…and cry a bit (again).
Right after that, Gina smiled big and said, “Let’s get a photo.” So, here it is. I’m swollen beyond belief and puffy eyed from crying, but happy to be held in so much love and care and so close to the finish line.
Dr. Lara Williams and Regina (34.2wks pg)
Closing in on the Final Chapter
Since then, whether it’s because of my mom’s help and the fact that I’ve been horizontal, feet up, every single meal brought to me with love and care, or whether it was the pep talk… I’m feeling better. Truth is, I have no doubt it’s both. My body still hurts particularly shifting positions, sitting (rising takes a painful toll), walking and this horrible numbing and swelling, but I’m not quite as uncomfortable, not quite as much pain. Like the edge has been taken off and I feel like I can definitely make it another few weeks. Hard, but I can do it. I’m diggin this shift. It’s like the end of the race, seeing the finish line and getting a gust of wind from the thought of crossing it.
So, I lay in my bedrest station (set up behind the couch on a massage table), drink my water, eat my food and when I can maneuver it, I write a few thank you notes (until the numbing is too bad), I do a few “errands” online (car selling, etc.), and put together the gorgeous new baby books my mom gifted us.
When I get up to pee, I wobble into the baby room and just take inventory. I drink it in. I play music in there just to bring some life to the room. I open the blinds and windows for the same reason. I sit on my big birthing ball there for a spell and I talk to my babies. I fold little newborn onsies on my big belly. I look around and I absolutely love what I see. It’s a room that’s more than just what Gina and I created with paint and screws. It’s a room that our friends and family– our community– created and you can see it evidenced in every inch. Our girls are getting born into all the love, generosity and essence of our people. In that, I am deeply humbled and deeply grateful. And very happy.
Fall is my favorite season. Changes abound. This year, for me, the most and many of them all. How lucky I am to have been gifted this opportunity to experience pregnancy and have so many dreams fulfilled inside of it: being pregnant in the summer, quality time and last trips with Gina, TWO babies, Gina working so hard so that I can stay home and gestate, inundated with amazing outpourings of love from our community via babyshower/blessingway for both Gina and I AND our girls, birthing in the Fall. The list could go on.
As hard as it’s been, as much as I’ve struggled, complained and cried or bucked up and toughed it out… it’s been MY unique journey and I can say without a doubt, I have been totally present for it all. Now, I am getting very, very ready for the next chapter…for this one to end and the next to begin.
So, from today, we’ve got 2 more days until the 35 week milestone. That is, 2 more days until we know that if our babes came early, we’d be assured they’d be out of the NICU. After that, 3 weeks and 2 two days until the birth day (if they don’t choose to come sooner). But hey, who’s counting?
xo,
reginaÂ
Here we are! 33wks 5 days (about a week ago)
Just coming back from doc appointment