Month Three — It’s All About Sleep, Baby

Month Three

Has it been three months already? Wow. Technically it’s been 13 weeks but apparently now we start using weeks instead of months to indicate our baby girls’ age. So, February 7th, they were 3 months. Amazing. The girls are changing so fast now, seems every day there is something new and anything that happened last week is ancient history.

Sleep
After getting their weight up to a point where we no longer had our attention on it, they went through a gassy/colicky phase, from about 6 to 9 wks old. Randomly, I started reading a sleep book in the early morning hours at my “pumping station”. I was astounded to learn that my children were sleep deprived. When they were newborns they could fall asleep anywhere, anytime but now they are no longer able (neurologically and developmentally) to fall asleep on their own. Given I didn’t know that, I just kept on hanging out with them all day, watching them cat nap, thinking they’d sleep when they were tired. Unfortunately, they became intensely sleep deprived. So, month three was all about sleep; getting them restored, learning to sleep and learning to stay asleep.

What does a sleep-deprived baby look like? It looks like a crying, screaming, wriggling, punching, kicking, scratching, suffering or “fighting sleep” baby. Generally, they were inconsolable from about 4pm-10pm when they were finally so exhausted they fell out. One time Calliope didn’t sleep for 7 hours straight…we tried the whole time to get her to sleep until finally at midnight she slept. The crying is easy to mistake for gas, colic (most common) or hunger. For weeks I kept trying to “treat” the gas, colic and hunger but would still be up with crying babies for HOURS. It was miserable. Inevitably and regularly Gina would come home to all three of us in tears. Sometimes, after being with them for 15 hours straight, I’d text her at night in bed with them both crying… “Please hurry! I’m at the end of my rope!” and I truly wondered if I could keep going on like that for much longer. Even when I was away from them (i.e. grocery shopping) I’d hallucinate that I’d hear my babies crying for me, clawing and kicking me, trying desperately to sleep.

So, I read another book on sleep. And then another. Three total. That’s enough. I got the gist and the info I needed. I learned how much babies need to sleep (mine were sleeping about 4 hours too little every day—can you imagine?), how they sleep, what their wake and sleep cycles are at each stage in their first years, what they are neurologically and developmentally capable of at each age in regards with sleep, and what happens when they are deprived of sleep (cortisol levels go up– that’s the stress hormone– making it harder and harder for them to sleep the longer they are awake). The more they sleep, the more the levels go down and the easier it is for them to sleep. In other words, sleep begets sleep. I’d heard rumours of this but now I knew it to be true.

In the end, I took away this: babies this age (somewhere between that ‘newborn fall asleep anywhere stage’ and the ‘older infant 4mo-6mo stage’) do not yet have organized sleep habits but they need lots of sleep. They cannot put themselves to sleep either. They are simply not yet capable of self-soothing (that comes around 6 months) so they need us to help them fall asleep and stay asleep. That’s all a tough combo for both babies and mamas.

I learned that every 90 minutes babies have a natural sleep cycle, complete with sleepy cues (that I had clearly been missing!). The whole thing is sort of like a wave and if I can catch it before it crashes, putting them to sleep is easy like magic.

So, while it seemed crazy, I implemented a plan (based on a book called ‘The 90 Minute Sleep Cycle’ by an infant sleep scientist and mother) wherein every time upon waking in the daytime– no matter if they slept 20 minutes or 2 hours– they went back down 90 minutes later. They’d wake and (depending on what they needed) they’d get changed and fed and have play-time to stimulate their little brains and bodies and tire them out. Then they went back down with a sleep routine (music, dim lights, swaddle, rocking, same room) exactly 90 minutes later. In fact, the routine would start about 15-25 minutes before the 90min sleepy window so that by the time the 90-minute mark came I was already in the room and rocking and soothing and ready for them to nod off when that magic minute hit. The first time I tried it (was the first day I read the book… I was desperate), it worked like magic. I thought it was a fluke. I couldn’t believe it… I was literally jaw-dropped. Then, every time it happened I was still shocked. My girls were finally going down easily. No tears! None!

Now, part two is staying asleep. I learned that babies have “wake cycles” every 20, 40 and 60 minutes. We all do actually but we, unlike babies, know how to roll over and put ourselves back to sleep. They don’t. Inevitably when I’d put them down to sleep, they’d wake back up 20-40 minutes later—on the money, no joke. And if one didn’t wake, the other would wake and then wake her sister. That got old real fast. I tried putting them in separate rooms but that was too hard for me running back and forth. Soon I realized I needed to be there for their “wake cycles” to soothe, shoosh, and jiggle them back to sleep. If I were in the same room they slept in I could catch it fast and they’d go right back out. If I were somewhere else in the house with monitor and ran back in the room it was too late. They were up and not really well rested. Most of the time, still, they take just 40 minutes naps with the occasional 2 hour nap. If you do the math, this means that I put them down for a nap anywhere from 4-5 times a day, then bedtime. While it’s a lot of work, the numbers add up to the right amount of sleep they need to be getting. In time, those 40 minute naps should naturally extend to longer periods of sleep– particularly their midday  nap. Fingers crossed.

This left (and leaves) me doing only one thing all day, all the time: helping them fall asleep and stay asleep. Besides feeding, changing and playing, this is my main job, of utmost importance. In the beginning it was shocking how exhausting and time consuming this routine was but the benefits were so immediate that we held out hope and pressed on.

We took my white board that was in my now unused, vacant office wiped it clean and put it up in the dining room. On it we started tracking both the girls feed and sleep cycles (also in effort to keep them in sync). I bought some special swaddles, hooked up with some twin moms online about sleep stuff, set up their nursery and crib which we hadn’t been fully set up yet (they’d mostly been in our room). Then I got Gina onboard. When home on the first weekend to help with the whole thing she said, “This is crazy! Is this all our life is about now? Getting them to sleep? I miss our girls. They are sleeping all the time now.” But I insisted and book-marked pages for her to read on the importance of their sleep, setting the foundation for their sleep habits for the rest of their life and the science behind it all. A lover of sleep, in a matter of days she could see the girls were happier to be around when awake, night times became easier as the girls were clearly suffering less. Plus, there was no denying the magic of holding a baby and watching her eyes magically close and nod off spot on the 90min mark. She was sold and we stuck with it.

Just about that time my mom came to visit which was clearly a blessing. She did the whole thing with me every day for another week– rocking and soothing babies to sleep every 90 minutes after they woke up (in the daytime). By the end of the first week of the sleep training, the girls went from napping 1-2 hours a day to napping 4-5 hours a day. More importantly (for the adults in the house too!) their night sleep improved dramatically and immediately; they went from sleeping 3-hour stretches at night to sleeping 4-5 hours stretches. By the second week they slept 6 and 7 hour stretches and a total of 12 hours over night! Hallelujah!

Getting them to sleep is SO much easier now too. I’ve actually been able to just set either one of them down (on separate occasions) in their crib drowsy but not sleeping and she’s fallen asleep on her own within minutes. At this age, that is fantastic and makes it so, so much easier putting both of them to sleep at naptime and nighttime when I’m on my own. The routine has gotten a lot easier too given they go down faster and easier. Where it used to take 45-60 minutes to put them down, it can now take as little as 5 minutes. Still though, they are so young that their naps are not quite organized or regular yet but  every 90-minutes magic happens. From what I’ve learned, from now until week 16 their sleep will begin to get more organized and regular naps will begin to occur. They’ll start to show me their own patterns for daytime sleep. My job is to watch and listen. I feel blessed that we are a bit ahead of the game in that their little bodies are now rested well enough to let those rhythms emerge and they’ll be able to sleep easily when they need to (and hopefully as long as they need to).

Interesting to note, since we started this sleep “training”, they’ve hit a huge growth spurt. Genevieve went from eating 3.5-4oz to eating 5 and 6oz  every meal. She’s gained a pound easily (12.5lbs at the time of this writing). Calliope (our little 10.5 peanut) was working on holding her head up but never quite got it, now she’s all upright all the time and also increased her food intake. It, could be coincidence but I don’t think so.

So, there you are. Sleep. That’s what month 3 was ALL about. I’m betting and banking on this hard work paying off long-term. I know everything can change on a dime but this sleep thing is a biggie and I hope and pray what we are doing will help them the rest of their lives. I’ve always been envious of people who know how to sleep well. I think this is a gift I can give them that will stay with them forever. I hope I’m right.

Breastfeeding
Breast feeding continues to be both amazing and a challenge. It’s getting easier as promised but my milk production remains precarious. If I don’t get enough food even one day it dwindles—and sometimes even if I DO eat enough, it dwindles. I now take lot of supplements and herbs to keep the milky river flowing given I need to produce about 10oz of milk every 3-4 hours. We have donor milk from a family member on Gina’s side and so grateful for that and some additional milk from my midwife’s milk bank. We also learned about a goat’s milk formula we can make at home should we really run dry. For now, when I don’t have enough milk we use the donated milk so the girls still have just breast milk exclusively. This all makes me very happy.

Genevieve is still on the nipple shield, and given how my nips are shaped, she just may always be… but, we still try every feeding. I finally gave up on tandem feeding. The fantasy of it is way sweeter than the reality. It’s fricking hard and I hated it. Once they are older and can hold their heads up better, we’ll try again in some different positions and maybe it’ll be easier. For now, they take turns and if both are hungry at the same time, I put a Boppy next to me, put the baby in the Boppy and bottle feed her while I breast feed the other. “Tandem” is simply altered a bit. We are all much happier.

Exciting news is that Calliope began teething! Poor girl, though. It was painful for her at first and because it was so early I didn’t know what was going on. My mom tells me my grandmother, my mom, my aunt, my sisters and I all cut our first teeth at three months too. Apparently it’s hereditary. The things you learn. ☺

The Girls
I could gush on about how amazing they are. Giggles, laughs, smiles. They are so fun and so wonderful. They are starting to reach for things but their motor skills still don’t let them grab anything just yet. They are holding their heads high now and when you set one down next to the other on the ground to play, they smile. Especially Genevieve. She loves when Callie is close and next to her. Their smiles are so innocent and true. It’s an honor to be around them… they are so clean and so pure. They respond to our voices now and I watch them light up when I walk in the room or they hear my voice. They are starting to reach for me and lean toward me now (if they are in someone else’s arms). It’s humbling to be loved and needed in this way. Lastly, it’s amazing to see their personalities and personhoods showing up. They are no longer newborn babies but they really are just small people to be heard, listened to and honored. I’m quickly learning that my favorite thing about parenting is watching who they become every day. It’s like they gently unfold into more of themselves every time they wake up. It really is an honor to watch and support.

Their personalities are simply more intense versions of who they were when they were born. Callie is still loud and vocal and physically active. She is little but packs a big punch. On her three month visit she had her doctor jaw-dropped with how much she communicates. “Wow! This one really has a lot to say doesn’t she?” I truly can’t imagine where she gets that from (sheepish grin). Her eyes have not yet changed color but I’m pulling for them to stay the pretty green that they are. They are gorgeous eyes– though we don’t necessarily recognize the shape so we affectionally say she has “mystery eyes”.

Genevieve continues to be peaceful,  steady and sweet. She notices music start and stop now and she’s super aware of her surroundings. She wrings her hands–with those long fingers– all the time, either thinking or praying we’re not sure but it’s so damn cute we can’t get enough of it. She’s now out & out allergic to perfumes and frangrances (red watery eyes and nose, sneezing and fussy) but doc says she should grow out of it by year one. She also makes it really clear who she wants to be held by and who she does not. Even if it’s awkward, we do our best to support what she communicates give she can’t really say with words, “Hey, I’m not diggin’ on this person, could they not hold me please?” Genevieve has big brown eyes that are clearly from the Perata side of the family.

Gina has been signing to the girls a lot more lately and they just LOVE it.

Three Month Stats
Calliope
10lbs 10oz
23inches long

Genevieve
12lbs 5oz
24inches long

Gina and I
We are still laughing which I consider a huge victory. That said, it’s harder in some ways now because we are not in the daily grind together as much. She’s gone at work and I’m home with the girls. I’m on 24/7, she’s on in shifts. This leads to the quintessential, classic breakdowns that you hear about from a more traditional 1950’s family. For example, each feeling the other doesn’t understand their own role and the pressure it brings. Still, we talk and listen at those late night feeding(s) and we keep making tiny adjustments to make it better for us both. I feel like we are an amazing team. In a rare day where we each get sleep and the girls are content, we hug, we dance, we smile and we tear up just taking in the two blessings that we have. Still, we can hardly believe our good fortune and how beautiful our family is.

We still co-sleep, even though we will rearrange who sleeps where as the girls get bigger. Gina and I are now sleeping next to each other again. We spooned and cuddled for the first time since I was about 6 months preggers and too big to be that close. It felt so nice. We both exhaled deeply. Anyway, I love our big family bed. It’s so much fun and such a sweet time of bonding. On mornings that Gina doesn’t work we wake up and all cuddle, listen to music that we want to introduce them to, laugh, play, nurse and eventually go back down for our morning naps. I absolutely love this time for our family. It really is the heart of what I dreamed and wanted to badly for so many years. (Insert a sweet sigh here).

Help
I continue to get support and help from friends and family in ways that simply humble me. At this stage in the game I almost never say no. In fact, I say yes quickly if I need it. The mother’s helper we have is great but as the girls’ needs become more complex I think we’ll be hiring a doula instead, that is, someone who really knows babies and can teach me things as we go as well as help in all the other ways we need it. We can’t afford to have one as often as we actually need it but even a few hours a week can make a huge impact in my sanity and their well being.

Mom’s visit
My mom’s visit was so sweet. It was healing for both of us and wonderful to see her so tickled and happy about the girls. She couldn’t stop saying, “They’re just so CUTE!” And they are of course. ☺ The thing that was sweetest to me was that they knew immediately she was family– important family. There was none of that stranger anxiety stuff. They just curled up in her lap and let her rock them for hours on end in the glider chair. They snuggled with her a lot and she seemed to have the magic touch in putting them to sleep by the end of the visit. It was sad to see them all have to say goodbye.

Our dear friend Sarah arrives tomorrow to help us for a long weekend. I can hardly wait.
I’ve been counting the days. After all the sleep-teaching work, my mom’s visit, and the cutting of the first tooth, it’s been a lot. I’m looking forward to pumping as much milk as I can and giving the overnight shifts to Sarah and Gina so that I can catch a full night’s sleep and perhaps take a break during the day. I really need it. It’s incredibly demanding, this new job of mine, and while it’s getting so much better and easier (and I’m WAY over the first hump), it’s still exhausting. I’m worn thin and the reserves I was running on are now empty. Still, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now but right here with my amazing baby girls.

In Sum
Month three was in some ways harder than any other in that the sleep deprivation (for us and them) was cumulative, the food support mostly petered out and I was mostly solo… along with increased demands from the girls. On the other hand, so much more rewarding in terms of the smiles, the changes in their development and our bonding as a family.

They say month four brings more changes than any other month in a human’s life. We can’t wait! Stay tuned next month. I’ll do my best to capture all the goodies and pics too.

Much love. 
xoxo