Month Four, 2 weeks in

Life has gotten SO MUCH BETTER over here. I’m not holding my breath though because one thing mamahood has taught me is that everything changes on a dime with kids. But maybe, just maybe, the last post was the “rock bottom” and we are truly moving upwards from here.

In the first two weeks of this month, we got a car, the girls rolled over, and most importantly to our family’s well being… SLEEP got much, MUCH better!

Week One
We got a car! Hurray! It’s a Mazda 5 and it’s perfect. It’s opened up a whole new world for us (we couldn’t fit the stroller in the other car and the brakes were bad so I/we didn’t go out much at all). Besides fitting our family needs, the car is super fun to drive. I love it!

The first weekend we got it, we took the girls for a long walk along the Portland Esplanade. It was a gorgeous sunny day and they loved it! Unfortunately, they didn’t sleep at all and we paid dearly for it the next couple of days, but we think it might actually have been worth it to get out of the house and on a walk as a family.

This was really great because right around the time we got the car, sleep got to an all time low. A critical mass. I mean, wow. End of my rope–shouldn’t be driving–adrenal system all jacked up–bumping myself and my babies into walls in the light of day– marital discord–regular nausea and tears from exhaustion “end of my rope”. Yeah, like that.

So, something had to give. Gina and I went for a walk with the girls and discussed some of the methods we’ve learned about sleep and other ideas that we think might work. In the end, I was adamant. As much as I LOVE sleeping with my babies, I couldn’t have four people sleeping in my bed anymore. I was the only one not getting sleep. Gina, god love her, can sleep through a baby screaming her head off right next to her. And has.

So, we began to put them in their crib at night instead of ours then move them back with us upon their first waking. It wasn’t long before they started sleeping longer stretches in their own crib. Suddenly we realized that they were too big to share a crib so we moved the co-sleeper from our room to theirs. Now they each have their own crib and sleep even better yet, staying in their own room and beds until dawn, when we move them back to our room and we all sleep another solid hour.

The first night they didn’t sleep with us, we teared up. It was so hard to not have their little tiny faces, breaths, and sweetness right next to us. We missed them. Plus, we were both scared to death they would die of SIDS. Crazy, I know, but still, we were nervous mamas just like most mamas. We stared at the monitor all night the first night and defeated the purpose of getting much sleep. The second night we fed them on alternate schedules sort of accidentally and so again, not much sleep. So, for the first couple of nights, the girls slept well but we didn’t! However, the few hours of sleep I did get was SOUND. I wasn’t waking with every little peep the girls made. I could feel the difference immediately! I was so happy and hopeful! Knowing THEY could sleep more and were fine allowed us to settle in to our new digs as well. Other than the changing table still in our room, we pretty much have it back to normal.

Since then, we’ve had about two weeks of them sleeping in their own room and beds at night and a good five days of them sleeping all through the night with only two wakings for feedings around 11pm and 4pm. My sleeping book for twins says that deserves bragging rights. If we go to bed at 9pm, we actually get a decent amount of sleep. This has made an ENORMOUS difference in my health. Sleep is still fragmented and I still don’t get more than 2-3 hour stretches at a time but it’s so much better than 20 minute chunks like before. SO MUCH BETTER!  I feel like a new woman. I’m better mom: safer, happier, more engaged. Just amazing what sleep (or the lack thereof) will do.

Week Two
As promised, right around 4 months, the girls’ sleep patterns began to change. Their sleep is now becoming more “organized” and regular. Most interesting to me is that they have been telling us that they want something different than to be rocked to sleep. They actually started refusing being rocked… kicking, arching, crying. Then, one day, I was like, “What the hell is going on? Why all the sudden so hard to rock to sleep?” I thought maybe it looked like they just didn’t want to be touched anymore. Sensory overload maybe? I felt like they just wanted to be laid down. So, I put them down in their cribs and they fell asleep almost immediately. It’s been that way ever since. Crazy. Lesson here: so long as I keep listening to what THEY say they need and want, I think we’ll be just fine.

So now I have a little routine with their paci’s and loveys (soft/silky little blankets and a little doll) and a new swaddling technique where they have one arm in and one arm out (to suck on their hands for teething and comfort– each of them are finding their thumbs). I put them in bed tired but awake, I rub their heads and kiss their eyelids, foreheads and cheeks. I make the “shhh” sound in their ears, sign for them “bedtime” and “sleep now,” tell them I love them and then I walk out of the room. Within minutes they are asleep. Sometimes we need to keep going back in every few minutes to help them but soon, they are deep in slumber. It’s amazing! They are learning to fall asleep on their own! It’s like a whole new world around here.

Instead of spending 30min-2 hours putting them down, I can spend anywhere from 2 minutes to 10 minutes, popping back in the room just a few times if they wake a bit.  We have time to eat dinner and do chores from the day before heading off to bed. It’s not such a mad, desperate dash to get to bed. We also know that when we do get to bed, we’ll be getting a bit of actual sleep.

In essence, between getting more sleep, naptimes/bedtimes being so much easier for the girls and for us (particularly me when I’m solo), and having Camille’s help, it’s actually FUN around here! Like, most of the time, really fun! Smiles, laughs, utter joy and amazement kind of fun. Whoo hoo!

Gina and I
After so much sleep deprivation, a toll was taken. Not to mention 2 new people in our home making our family system change up quite a bit. The stress was still getting to us and we got into it again. This time I didn’t have it in me to do more talking, reasoning, or requesting. I just went silent. Not too usual for me which was telling in and of itself. Later that day, I got this text from Gina. You can see by my first reply, I was still upset. Second reply you can see that I was glad to get that from her but a bit guarded still.

Gina: White text
Regina: Blue text

As the day went on, I realized how much I really did appreciate what she’d been thinking about and how grateful I am for how hard she works. She’d been sitting in a locked room in a psych unit all day just to give me the gift of being home with the girls. So, I replied:

To which we both replied…

In the end, it all worked out. Gotta love modern technology. Handle the morning’s breakdown before she’s even home from work. In all seriousness, I’m really, really proud of us. I think I mentioned before that the stats of people that divorce within 2 years of having children is high… even higher for those with multiples. We were both just saying last night how grateful we are that we’ve done 12 years of good, hard work together before these girls joined us and that for us, divorce never crosses our minds anymore. Maybe we are just too busy clinging to each other in the storm. Or maybe, we just rock.

Another Dream Fulfilled
Friday night, Gina came home from a long day of work. She left at 6am and got home about 5. Fortunately or unfortunately, this is not uncommon. I had been with the girls all day, that’s 11 hours. Solo. And did I mention, teething? In the past, I would have been so wiped out and tired that I could hardly stand. I’d be bitchy, teary, hungry and in desperate need of a break the minute she walked in the door. Then, I’d still have another 3-4 hours of work/parenting ahead of me, albeit not solo: put them to sleep, eat and pump, then ready myself for bed before I’d rush off hoping to sleep 30 minutes before they woke for their first feeding. It was madness.

Because sleep is so much better now, instead of feeling all that yuckiness, while I was certainly tired and ready for a break, I was in totally good spirits. I was happy to hang in the front room with the girls and Gina while they greeted each other from the day. In fact, there was no where else I’d rather have been. I was able to just soak in the beauty of all of us being together, Gina making the girls giggle and having fun. Check out these two videos of them and you’ll see why.

Gina and Girls After Work 1

Gina and Girls after Work 2

After they were done greeting each other, the most magical evening continued to unfold. It was really quite simple and maybe even rote for many parents with older kids, but for me, it was heaven.

Gina and I readied Genevieve and Calliope for bed; feedings, diaper changes, teething meds, lights dim, sound machines on, etc. And because it wasn’t going to take an hour to rock them to sleep, we read to them (something we do once they are up from naps but have been wanting to incorporate to our nighttime routine for a while now). So, once the girls were all comfy-cozy, I sat in the glider in the nursery with one girl on each side of my lap, cuddled in each arm. Gina sat in front of us so she could see them and soak them up while she read four bedtime stories. The girls were totally engrossed. Watching her face, the pictures in the books and her ASL signs when she did them. They would nuzzle into me occasionally (HEAVEN) and hold hands with each other absent-mindedly (more Heaven). Then, eyes got droopy and little whimpers started to come so we picked them up, swaddled them tight, placed them in their cribs and whispered “goodnight”. We left the room and that was that. They were out. I could weep with joy! Cry from the rooftops!!!!

I headed out to pick up milk and a few other supplies, along with dinner. I came home to Gina having had some time to herself (imagine that). We ate, then I pumped while she cleaned the kitchen and we headed off to bed. We got a solid 2.5 hours before their first feed and in the morning the girls slept-in ‘til 8am! Gina and I got over 7 hours sleep for the 4^th night in a row. I do believe we might be entering a new era! Fingers crossed and breath still a tiny bit held because we know how things can change quickly around here. Still, magic. All of it. Pure magic. What I dreamed of for so, so long, is right here, right now—in my home, in my lap, in my heart. Last night was it. It’s what I’ve wanted for years—our family, all together, reading books, and simply enjoying each other. Peace in our home and love filling our hearts.

Reality Check
It’s still hard. Two babies keep me running, lest I paint too rosy of a picture. And getting to where I could just set them in their cribs to sleep hasn’t come easy. We had one heartbreaking night where more tears than we like were shed by all. It’s still not perfect, but it’s getting easier all the time. Daytimes are like marathons from morning to night around here. My back aches and I’m still not getting enough food. I can’t get out to moms groups or kids music stuff or even just visiting with friends given their nap times are not yet formed and synced. But all that will keep getting better, too, I’m sure.

In the meantime, even though it’s like a marathon, I like it. It reminds me of when I was a waitress and having to juggle 100 things at once. Those who know me, know that I love waitressing. It’s fun. This is, of course, even better. Some people say that with kids “the days are long but the years go by fast.” Funny, it used to feel that way. Now it feels like each day flys by and because the girls are changing so rapidly Gina and I both find our selves wanting it to slow down. More time to savor… wait, don’t grow up so fast!

It Takes a Village
At my wits end, I called my friend Jen Cohen  couple of weeks ago. I got to talk through my sleep deprivation stuff and she reminded me of that old village concept. That is, I find myself  grieving that we don’t live in village in the way that we are biologically designed for. Instead, I (and, I believe, most mamas in this western culture) try to single-handedly BE and meet the needs of our babies that once took an entire village. For example, long ago, there would be other kids around, laughter, play, so much stimulation that my girls would just konk out when they needed and there would always be hands to help. “Sleep training” would not be necessary because we could just meet the needs of our babies all night long for years as they needed.

The harsh truth is, we don’t live in those times anymore and I must do what is necessary to care for my health in order to best care for my babies. If it means gently teaching the girls to sleep in their own room and self soothe earlier than they want or I wanted, I do believe it’s what’s best so that I can really meet all their other needs in the ways that are important during the day. In that, there is grief for me. Not just for not being able to meet some standard or ideal that I hoped I would, but for the cold, harsh reality of our current culture and how “independent” we have become. It’s sad and in some ways, for me, sickening.

Still, Gina and I do our best to create our own village around here. Even though it’s nothing like 100 people all living on a small piece of land, we are exceptionally blessed with friends that gift us with their time, help from Camille, food that is healthy and easy to eat, and most importantly, an ear and shoulder to cry on or share in our simple joys. We are very, VERY lucky, as are our girls.

So, for now… that’s the skinny. I HOPE HOPE HOPE my next post is all about how fantastic this new sleeping trend is going here at home and that the love and fun has grown in spades. Until then…

Enjoy these few recent pics.

Love, love,
regina