Nine is Fine

* This post is long. I don’t expect anyone to read it. I write mostly for me and my family. That said, there are headers if you are interested in any particulars, like, perhaps the girls. 😉

*Also, since (let’s face it) the photos are the best part, I’ve posted the them in a different format which is easier and faster for me to upload. If you want to see any of them up close, just click on the image and voila!

 

     Nine and a half months old. Just one week away from double digits. Exhale.

Seems so much has happened and yet all just normal, too. I find myself wanting to capture the major milestones, the events in our life, their daily routine…all of it, so that someday Calliope and Genevieve can look back and see what life was like when they were little. That’s what I would have wanted anyway; but then, I’m a sentimental woman with a sweet spot for “what is was like” stories everywhere.

Anyway, therein lies the theme for this month. The lesson? Practicing mindfulness (and courage) such that I raise my girls based on who THEY are and not based on who I AM or what I wanted as a child, thought I needed, didn’t get, blah, blah, blah.

Baby-Needs
I finally made it in to my therapist to do some of that grieving I’d been talking about. Two sessions later the biggest, most obvious insight left me floored: I’m parenting these girls not only from my heart but from my survival brain, too. I’m parenting in ways that I subconsciously believe will somehow make up for, or heal even, myself as a 9 month old (insert whatever age they are). If I can just give them the gold standard of everything (homemade food, excellent sleep, secure attachment to Gina and me, the ability to be fully self-expressed, vaginal birth, nursing ‘til toddlerhood, baby-wearing as much as possible, to have as many needs met as possible, etc.), I will then keep them safe, never damaged, harmed or hurt. And, this will somehow take care of my own baby-needs, too; it will make up for that which I didn’t get and wish I’d had. *Mom, don’t worry. You did awesome. No kid gets to grow up unscathed… my stuff is just my stuff and it’s mine to work out now. I digress.

So. Now I know the likely primary source of my neck pain… not just the heavy boobs and heavy babies, but also a “holding” so tight every hour of every day that (in my mind) if I give them the gold standard in all the areas that I deem important, I will keep them safe and sound. I will give them a flawless foundation from which they’ll thrive for the rest of their lives.

Yeah. No pressure. It’s a wonder I breathe at all.

The work now: it’s not just to grieve the things that I keep perseverating on that I think could have damaged them: not coming out vaginally, not enough breast milk, not enough nursing, too much crying, not enough of me to go around, the sound of a violent television show in the background, the anxiety and worry the lactation consultant and original pediatrician had and we adopted, etc. None of that really matters, it turns out. Not the way I was worried it mattered anyway. They will not, I finally realize, be permanently damaged from any of that. The work now is healing my own hurts, my own anxieties and my own reasons for wanting to keep them so insanely safe with such impossibly high standards. My guess is that I’ll have the “opportunity” (ha!) to do my own work of healing each stage of my childhood at every stage of their development- despite the fact that I’ve done decades of therapy already. Infant? I’ll be healing myself from that time in my life. Toddler? Teenage? I’ll get to face my own youth, for better or worse, every step of the way. As Naomi Aldort says, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. 

My task each day, as I see it, is to separate my own reaction/agenda to what I truly believe is best for them from a more neutral, healed, grounded place. I’m sure most days I’ll fail; and that’s okay. And many days it’ll be all I can do to simply notice my own triggers. But at least the girls (and I) will have that: mindfulness, awareness, truth. And in the end, those are things I want them to have above all else. It’s priceless really. They’ll get the gift of seeing (and living) life as it is (and learning how to move through the trauma, upsets, etc.)… and not the gold standards that I’m trying to live now and certainly not the anxiety that comes along with those standards. Breathe, Regina. Breathe.

And so it goes.

Moving
We got a letter from the Realtor and the Short Sale service providor stating everything is finally in place now and we should be hearing a decision from the bank “soon.” We think that means in a week or two. So, we are beginning to search more diligently for a place to live.

Neither of us are looking forward to the move itself. The selling, unpacking and unloading, not to mention the costs.  We talk late at night in bed about how we feel about leaving our “home.” Interesting, neither of us are sad to leave here. Despite the fact that Idgie passed here and we brought the girls home here, neither of our hearts have ever really been in this house. Purchasing it was a mistake from the start we agree; but a mistake that taught us invaluable lessons that we are grateful for.

We’ll be happy to be on the other side of this move. Of course, the fierce Mama in me (along with the scared little girl)  is deeply concerned that my girls will freak out in the move but I’ve got it on a few very trusted resources that so long as the girls keep getting us, they’ll be just fine. My frontal lobe and heart believe those trusted friends; my lizard brain is convinced I’m damaging my daughters for life. So again, I breathe.

Camille
Camille is gone. Yup. Gone. One week she was here, the next I couldn’t reach her via text (our usual method). Turns out she moved to NYC to take on a year volunteering with City Year working with at risk youth in Queens. God Bless her. I’ve since spoken with her mother on the phone a couple of times and she assures me that Camille simply didn’t know how to handle telling us and saying goodbye. Says she loves our girls so much she couldn’t handle it. We hope she reaches out and writes us soon. We have nothing but open hearts and open arms for her. In the meantime, I’m starting the process of finding a new sitter to help with the random needs and our move.

The Girlies
What are the girls up to these days? My goodness… everything! Mostly, it’s all about being mobile and upright and exploring the world around them.

Genevieve
Genevieve is crawling on her hands and knees now. She loves to pull herself up and stand. and it’s clear she really wants to walk given she likes to do it holding our hands as much as possible. Her favorite thing is, from a standing position, to try and move from one high chair to the other: it requires letting go with one hand and leaping a bit with the other. She hasn’t quite perfected it yet but the fact that she keeps trying despite the frustration, tears, and falls is a reminder that we all move toward the light. We are designed to grow, to move onward and upward. And G, with nothing in her past, nor in her future is just in each simple moment trying to do what her beautiful little body is designed to do.

G has learned to clap. Sometimes serious about it and sometimes giddy she shows a kind of self-confidence when she does it. She’s very much planted IN her body. As serious as she started off, she’s blossoming and opening up day by day; giggling more and more and having fun being silly. She’s lately taken to sitting on her bum and spinning herself in circles on the hardwood floor, laughing as she does it over and over with some kind of toy or teething ring in her hands, or of course, clapping. She’s also become super snuggly and loving. She gives super strong power hugs and big open mouth wet kisses, which just melts one’s heart.

Calliope
Calliope is active! She is a girl who is on the move. And vocal– always talking that one (I have NO idea where she gets all this from). She crawls so fast now I can hardly catch her. She loves standing and cruising around on anything that’ll move with her. I call her my little bug (short for lovebug but also because when you pick her up by her trunk her little arms and legs just kick, kick, kick like a little beetle bug). She rarely stops or slows down. In fact, she’s almost lost weight. She only gained 10oz the last 3 months but she’s grown in height. Given that, her clothes all fall off her tiny little waist now. Frankly, we were (as first time mamas) a little worried about her. Is something wrong like “hyperactivity” or “adhd”? But alas, she’s fine. This is just who she is. We suspect that part of her lesson in life will be to learn how to channel and/or contain all that fabulous energy. She is curious, voracious and wants to experience all she can. She wants life full. While it obviously has it’s challenges, it’s really, really beautiful.

As much as C looks like Gina, turns out she also resembles to donor quite a bit. We busted out his baby photo again as we hadn’t seen it in a while. Wow. We were both speechless for a moment. She looks just like him. I called the Cryobank and asked if I emailed them a pic of my daughters if they’d tell me in what ways they resemble the donor (they have an adult pic that we cannot see). It was an awesome conversation but the upshot is that Genevieve looks nothing like him. The cryobank geneticists could hardly find any trace of him in G. However, she was sort of shocked when she saw the pic of Calliope. There was a gasp in her voice followed by an “Oh. Oh, wow. Um, yeah… the one in purple (Calliope) looks a lot like him. It’s in her eyes, her forehead, her eyebrows, her cheeks, her hair. Just, just…(pause) just in every way. It’s hard to explain but she has his ‘look’.” So, there you have it folks.
*Note, it should also be noted that when the cryo-lady pulled up the donor’s photo (before my email of the girls landed in her inbox) the first thing she said was, “Wow. You got a nice looking donor. He’s really good looking!”  I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make me just a tad bit happy. 🙂

Both
Both girls are not just babbling now but rather jabbering in ways that sound like words and sentences. They clearly are communicating in language and certainly with each other. We have plenty of “Youtube worthy” videos, especially each standing in their cribs before bedtime just talking with each other back and forth cracking each other up.

They understand most of what we are saying to them now. It’s very cool. And they understand our ASL signs. They sign “more” regularly now and the other day C signed “Mama” or “Mommy” (same sign). I suspect language will really take off here in the next couple of months.

They love to look at babies faces— in real life or in books. They just gaze for minutes at a time, which is a long time in babyland. They love exploring;  C everything at once and G one little thing at a time. They love the heart necklace Gina gave to me years ago that I never take off. When I’m rocking them they cozy up with their heads against my chest and play with it. It’s seemingly comforting for them. Last but not least, Gina taught the girls to “high five”. They particularly have fun “high fiving” when they are in the swings at the park. The laughter can be heard from blocks away, I’m sure.

They are are getting more and more hair which is adorable and curly. They each have 6 teeth now. And their little bodies are each growing in their own ways. G is getting some chunk and C is getting taller and skinnier.

Together
Togetherness: this is the BEST part of having twins. They love each other so much. They love having the other as a companion and playmate. They are interacting more and more. Not just parallel playing but sometimes actually playing together. For example, we got this little pop up tunnel that is part mesh, part solid fabric. Genevieve likes to get on the outside when Calliope is on the inside and duck under the mesh, pop her head up and play “peek-a-boo” with Calliope. This gives C such a tickle that she laughs over and over and over… the kind of deep belly laugh that you just want to bottle.

They are working out their own relationship as well—who takes what from whom and all that good power stuff. I’ve said this before but it really does feel like an honor to witness their special relationship unfolding before our eyes. One can clearly see during meals, playtime, bathtime, and naptime that they are everything to each other. If one is “off” in anyway, the other balances the system for her. For example, if one is hyper, the other will go still. If one is irritable and teething, the other feels for her and is agitated but quiet. They sort of hold space with and for the other; together, they create a whole. That said, most of the time, if you were just watching from the outside, they go about doing their own thing and that’s really cool too.

The Potty
Pottying is pretty fun. For a few weeks there I didn’t change one poopy diaper on Calliope- she did all her business in the toilet (SO much nicer for me). And G is finally starting to warm up to the idea of sitting on the toilet to pee. We casually make sure she gets to see C having success with it and I think that’s made a difference. We never say anything to her about it, we just one day started to offer it again and we’ve now got a little movement.

Food
Food is even more fun than it was to begin with! Other than the main allergens (strawberries, honey, nuts and egg whites) there’s really nothing they don’t eat anymore. Well, we don’t give them red meat or wheat or dairy (unless it’s dairy from a goat… then all bets are off). In a couple of months (around 1yr old) they’ll get introduced to some of that other stuff. Sundays are dedicated to me shopping and prepping their food for the week. Good Lord they love to eat! I swear, you wouldn’t believe how much those tiny bodies consume. No wonder they poop so much! They love beets, spinach, lamb, lentils, mango, avocado, turkey bacon, yogurt, edamame, pickles…the list goes on. And they LOVE to feed themselves (particularly Genevieve) so I’m working on making all their food as “finger food” friendly as possible.

Sleep
Ah, what would a blog post be with out mentioning the sacred sleep?

So, I’m thinking that maybe I never again say that sleep is “going well.” Each time I do, it goes all sideways. The truth is, sleep is just never the same again once you have little’ns.

Right after the last post, the girls got sick.
Sick means hard to breathe at night.
Hard to breathe means one baby waking on and off all night.
Then the other.
But never at the same time of course,
Keeping the Mamas up most the night and in hot steamy bathrooms.

Once that sickness ordeal was cleared, one baby cut her first top tooth.
Then the other baby cut the same tooth,
making sleeping scarce for everyone for well over a week, maybe two.
Then the fourth front tooth came for Genevieve.
We thought we were in the homestretch of a rough patch.
Ahh, but no such luck.
They got sick again. (repeat scenario above)

Ten days later the snot was gone and I prayed (with slight delirium in my eyes) for just one night were we were ONLY up for the 30-40 minute feeding, not up for 2-3 hours as we had been for weeks on end.
That night, like clockwork, the fourth front tooth cut for Callie.
And no joke, the DAY that tooth came through and she finally could sleep all night,
G started waking up for hours at a time at night; restless and couldn’t settle.
She wouldn’t let me look inside, but a few days later (after about 4 days of this mystery night waking) I finally saw, bless her little heart, both her eye-teeth poking through.

While I may seem dense in this whole thing, it finally occurred to me,  Callie’s are on the way.

My hormones are still wacky and my sleep so jacked up that despite how tired I am, once  I’m up at night I can’t fall back asleep. For a while, I feared I was becoming dependent on Melatonin. When I hear Gina snoring I’m so jealous of her deep sleep I just want to whack her hard and wake her up. Despite the fact that our girls will (under normal circumstances) sleep 11.5-12.5 hours a night (with one nighttime feeding after about 10 hours of sleep), during this entire 8-10 week ordeal I’ve never slept more than 2-4 hours in a row and usually not more than 4-5 hours a night total. It’s like we went backward to the good old days of newborn-dom.

Alas, it’s clear to me now, the teeth are just gonna keep on coming; one baby after the other and this is just how it’s gonna be for a stretches at a time, perhaps until they are two and they have their full set of teeth. 

Gina and I have learned how to give each other breaks (mainly Gina helping me given my insomnia). And so, when we get a few nights here and there (between teething and between illness) we count our lucky stars. 

Embryos
After months feeling into what to do with  the two remaining embryos, I’m finally ready to make a move.

Thanks to a reading with the fabulous Danielle, I did two things:
1. I surrendered to the fact that I will not be pregnant again. No more babies for me. I’m still doing the work, though, of letting go of the fantasy of how I’d want it to be.
2.  I’ve come to see the embryos as “seeds” that simply won’t be placed in fertile ground to grow. Moreover, I know that as a natural part of life not all seeds get sown. Many, (just look in my garage or on the sidewalk) just fall away. And so, that’s what will happen to these two, too.

I’ve called ORM and am waiting on paperwork to finalize the process. I’m ready. A bit sad and bittersweet, but ready. Gina has been ready all along.

My Body
I’m a mess still (in a recent reading with Danielle she told me that my body really took a beating in the pregnancy and thereafter. Ya think? She also saw that my body wouldn’t be totally healed for about another year). Both my knees are out. I can no longer squat, much less stand back up. My neck and shoulder still ache every day. I have a headache that has come and gone for months and my feet are still all swollen at night (along with the painful ingrown toenails, which are growing out and getting better). I think letting some of the emotional stuff go (not worrying so much about the babes) along with a couple acupuncture sessions and some homeopathy will do the trick, but, as you can imagine, it’s really difficult to get out to appointments given we no longer have Camille, so it’s slow going.

Despite all that, I’ve lost a bit of weight. About 14lbs anyway. That feels good. I was eating so clean for a while but I’ve taken a break lately and indulged in wine and cookies more often than just the weekends. I still eat salads and proteins during the day and I run around after the girls so much I’m not too worried about the rest just slowly fading off. I’m down to 141.5. And each week without really “trying” a pound or two more gets shed. I became preggers at 134.5 so I’m just 7lbs away but 125-130 is where I sit more comfortably so losing another 10-13lbs would be ideal. I’m shooting for their one year birthday to get there- incredibly, that’s just about 9 weeks away!

Gina and Me
We had a date night just last night. A friend came over and hung out on the couch while the girls slept. We popped out for dinner at a new BBQ joint we’d been wanting to go to for months now. It was a FABULOUS evening. Odd at first being out together at night without them but obviously so good for us and our relationship. And good just to have a little adult fun (not to mention a hot meal).

Their Routine
6:30ish: Wake. Bottle. Play while I make breakfast for them and coffee for me (I recently made the switch from tea to coffee and I’m so happy about it I could cry).

7:30am: Breakfast then more play.

8:30am: Morning nap for 90 minutes usually.

10am: Wake and have little snack of a bottle (4-5oz of the goats milk formula we make at home).

Play. Walk. Swing at the park. Go somewhere.

12:30 lunch and a little play on the ground for aiding digestion before next nap.

1:30: Naptime. Usually 90 minutes.

3pm: Wake. Have snack. Usually fruit or avocado or edamame or something.

Go for walk. Play. Read. Music. Swing at park.

4:30p: Dinner. Play. Hang out.

5:30p: Bedtime routine begins. Bath (when 2 mommies are home). Jammies. Bottles. Books. Rocking. Sleep-sleep. (They typically still fall asleep easily and effortlessly, it’s so very sweet).

6:30p: Sound asleep.

*From 6:30-9:30p I clean, make dinner, answer emails, read, prep their food for next day, feed cats, handle household logistics, put in chickens, do some laundry, get myself ready for bed and try to fall asleep without melatonin. Some weeks I’m solo a lot, some weeks Gina is home and it’s awesome b/c we are both so exhausted by this time of day all we really want to do is say “fuck it” to everything and fall into bed (which we’ve been known to do).

1-3am: Nighttime feeding. (and, as you read above, sometimes night-time wakings and rocking)

6:30am: Wake! Gina and I take turns each morning who gets up and does morning routine and who gets to sleep in. Do it all again!

It can’t go without saying that despite how hard some days are, how grueling this is for a 40 year old body, there is not one day, ONE DAY, that goes by (heck, not even an hour, seriously) that I am not deeply grateful or in awe of my two beauties. How did I, of all people, get so lucky? They really are my little miracles. I don’t think, can’t imagine, ever stopping being present to that.

Peace out.
regina

P.S. I didn’t write about my Mom’s visit with my nephew but they came and stayed for a few days in late July and it was really lovely. Can’t wait for her to come back. Seeing my Mom and the girls together is magical. Also, you’ll see in the pics, the girls got to hang with lots of new friends (big and little, new and old) this summer… we’re all very lucky.