Autumn Tenderness

I’m not sure what’s going on.

Could be that I am feeling the heat turned up on our move.

Could be that the girls have been “out” of me as long as they’ve been “in” me now.

Could be the season of Summer drastically changing to Fall the last few days.

Could be it’s Autumn equinox today.

Could be this time of year reminds me of this time last year when I finished work, went on bedrest and got ready for the babies to come.

Could be that, even before my babies were born, this was the time of year that always made my heart ache with a deep longing to be a Mama.

Could be that because my babies were born in the Fall that the beginning of the season makes me think of that especially sacred, tender time.

Could be because I have an interview with Nike tomorrow.

Could be the cloudy weather today really is marking the changing of the season, making me feel all inward and yin-like.

Could be the stellar acupuncture session I had two days ago wherin my ND/Ac explained to me why my cortisol and adrenal system is so messed up (being a stay at home mama for infant twins), really got my world of bodily suffering, and needled me in ways that helped to bring balance to my being (raised my Yin, the inward, tender parts).

It could be that I’ve had a migraine like headache for 2 days now.

Could be that I slept horribly last night.

Could be that Gina and are having tension again and I feel sad and resigned about it.

Could be that my babies are growing up so fast and everyday is like a little heartbreak;  as I am forced to let go of tiny pieces of their infancy.

Could be that we still have no idea where we are going to move.

Could be that I’ve had some very sweet exchanges with my mostly-estranged sister in the last 2 days.

Could be that when I consider the possibility of going back to work and not being with my girls day in and day out I want to collapse from even imagining the grief it will bring.

Apparently there’s a lot going on. I suppose it’s likely no one thing precisely but the combination of everything that is driving me to move inward, feel more, do less, cry tears of joy and tears of pain. At least I’m crying.

However you slice it, I feel different. Like, some part of me that I used to be intimately close with is coming back. Some part of me that’s been set aside due to caring for babies in a sort of survival mode for months is unearthing herself again. She’s the part of me that is closest to God/Spirit/Nature. She’s coming back. She’s knocking on my heart, only now my heart is different; more open, more tender… exposed every single day due to loving these girls so fiercely.

“They” told me so much about what it would be like being a mama but I’m not sure anyone told me how much it hurts.  My heart is now out in the open and I feel like I need to find my “new normal” inside of that; figure out how to be in the world loving these girls as I do and all the vulnerability that comes with that. I simply don’t know how. Maybe no Mamas do… maybe we just learn as we go? Figure out how to protect our newly exposed hearts? Or, maybe it gets easier as they get older?

The Girls
The girls are amazing. Yesterday we played on the floor for 2 hours. Singing, dancing, reading… and I was never once bored or watching the clock for time to pass quickly. In fact, at times I just sat and watched them exploring their world around them as tears of joy, gratitude and love just streamed down my face. No, I am not PMSing… no where near in fact. Just in awe of my two incredible daughters who make me smile and laugh and feel goodness in my heart every time I look at them.  Heck, even when I’m not looking at them.

They are so funny. They are becoming more of themselves now; intentionally making the family laugh with games of Peek-a-boo and hiding, laughing loudly and often, asserting more wants and desires in new domains and beginning to use language (and certainly understand ours). “Not for baby” we say to something dangerous. They will stop what they are doing, look up at us with big doe eyes, then smirk a little and tentatively head back in the direction of danger. How does one not find outrageous delight in just this little act of rebellion?

More later… this is just here and now.

Send love to my heart and I will send love to yours.
regina marie
xo