Late October Transitions

* I wrote this journal entry the first week in October.

Our home has sold, the inspection is complete and the house is slowly getting packed up. We are quickly looking for a place to live and my interviews with Nike are progressing.

One minute think we’ve found a new place to call home, the next minute not. The places we are finding look better online than in person (that’s an understatement) and I’ve left many a time in tears.

It’s not easy not knowing where our next home will be and I try to remind myself that this state of limbo is not forever and that my fear is really in the unknown. I’m having a hard time finding the place in me that used to always know things would turn out just find, it’d all be ok, better even. This time the stakes are higher. I want a good life for my girls and a part of that means a good home, neighbors and community.

The girls keep my spirits high though; they keep me laughing and keep me remembering what is important.

Genevieve
G is *this close* to walking. She stands FOREVER and thinks long and hard about taking a step but then decides to either stand some more or just slowly sit back down. Always a strong core, that one, and never (ever) to be rushed. At anything. I love it.

She is blossoming overnight. She is funny and cuddly and very strong willed. She is very clear about who she loves and where she’s cautious. I hope that stays with her for her lifetime.

She loves to clap and dance. She seems to be going through more linguistic growth, just in the last day or two intentionally saying “Mama.” Bestill my heart. And while she LOVES her sister, she is slightly less focused on her than she used to be and more focused on all the curious things around her.

Her big, dark, brown eyes seem to get more captivating every day. She’s an old soul, that one. It’s in her eyes.

Calliope
C is just as wiggly, happy and passionate as ever. She’s walking better with help now, too. We took her to a specialist who determined that her issue is a nuerological one. That is, her all the neurons were not firing to her little feet telling them how to move her feet as she walked, so, she just ended up on her tip toes and her legs falling forward. She now has exercises daily (watching red stripes move upward in an app called Optodrum) and she already has had leaps and bounds of improvement. The best part is that she is excited and enjoys walking now. I love it.

She’s melodic in her voice still, practicing quiet, whispery “la la la’s” and loud high pitch squeals of delight (or disapproval). Anyway you slice it, she’s living into the meaning of her name.

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* I wrote this on Thursday morning, October 18th. I was hurting. 

Not sure how I’ll feel in retrospect but right here right now this feels like one of the most stressful times in my life.

My family needs to be out of our home in a matter of days,  we do not yet have a place to live and the prospects are gloomy at best.

The house needs to be packed up, items sold and sorted. The movers come in about 2 weeks and I seriously fear we’ll be couch surfing with two babies… or in some odd apartment building with noise and strangers all around us.

Genevieve is teething- badly. Like never before. She’s up 3-4 hours a night and even though Gina does the lion’s share, I can’t not help and I certainly can’t sleep through her screaming. It tears through my body, mostly my heart. Holding her doesn’t help and laying her down doesn’t help. Either way she’s in pain. It’s unreal the feeling of my baby hurting and I can’t make it better. In the day, she is so sleep deprived she cries and is fussy all day then she doesn’t nap well.

I have a final interview (panel) with Nike tomorrow. I’ve been trying to prep all week in between the cracks and crevices that I get.

Every single moment of the day is taken up with something urgent: house hunting, house seeing, calls in prep for the interview, or simply studying for interview. If I’m lucky I try to eat and shower in there. Of course I need to also get the girls bags packed and food ready for when they wake up and we wisk off to some far away location to look for our next home. Inevitably, as we are driving there I am hopeful; imagine this being my new drive home. Once there, holding one baby on each hip, I look around at each turn and think, “Okay, that’s not so bad, I could make that work,” until finally the list of dingyness, smellyness, smallness is so long that I simply can no longer live in denial that this particular house is not it and the search shall continue.

Disappointed again by pee-stained carpets, toilets so dirty you’d just need to replace them all together, I trek the girls back home, racing to get their lunch ready while they cry from hunger or fatigue. I sing their favorite songs to keep them chipper in the car. Once home, there’s often poop to change before getting food ready. Finally, girls cleaned, food prepped, up in their chairs, they eat. After, I clean them up, clean their chairs and eventually they (maybe) go down again upon which time I rush to feed myself and start the process all over again of searching online, setting appointments to view and studying for the interview—all that IF I’m lucky.

I’ve gotten about 3-4 hours sleep each day this week – of all weeks –and am raw. My brain doesn’t work, my nerves are beyond where they’ve ever been, my adrenals are up and I literally feel like I’m going to crack. Just in time for the most important interview of my life. My family needs me to get this job.

Yesterday I had a hard cry and again this morning. That helps. Still, though, the girls are more challenging for me than I’ve ever experienced due to the teething and lack of sleep. I’m sure they are vibing off my stress even though I practice breathing and staying in my body and love and compassion when I’m with them. Still, my patience is paper-thin.

I hate to admit it but this wouldn’t be an honest journal if I didn’t say:
There are times I just want to scream at them “STOP WIGGLING AND KICKING ME!”, “SHUT UP!”, “GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!”, “LET ME CHANGE YOUR FUCKING DIAPER!!!!!”, or “STOP PINCHING ME!” Sometimes—even though I know it’s normal (I HATE to admit this) I have the urge to hurt them.  In a spontaneous moment when the crying kicking, poopyness is too much and then I get kicked or pinched hard or something primal like that, I have the urge to kick them back, shake them to stop, push them away off me (hard).

Breathe.

Instead of screaming any of those things or hurting them, I leave the room and take a breather. Or, I bite a pacifier hard, I may be a bit more stern with them than I ever have (ugh), and/or I simply cry. In or out of the room.

Today I went in another room and kicked the butcher block and the laundry basket. I let out a low growl and smacked the wall. I took a few deep breathes, said the Serenity prayer (thanks Dayna), then I went back in the girls’ room with some steam released. Then, I took care of a giggly, teary, teething baby.

They’ve seen me cry a couple of times this week which I think is good. I want them to know how people process emotions… they can see me upset, cry and then feel better. This is normal and natural but still… it’s stressful.

We are/ I am feeling so much right now.

Any one of these things alone would be tough for me:
My baby hurting and I can’t fix it.
Uprooting from our home of the last 7 years.
Interview.
Not having a place to live in and all prospects gross with just days left and my babies to care for.
Staying with babies day in and day out with out a break. At all. And then up all night. (Gina is working non stop to get enough money for the move).
Little to no sleep.
Rehoming the cats. Yes, perhaps necessary to find a place. Great sadness but I can hardly even be with it given everything else that’s going on.

I feel like I’m having a mini-breakdown.

Think I’m going to a hotel tonight. To sleep. To get a break. To study. To meditate.

I’ll maybe see Dr Novick tomorrow. Get ready for the interview and head out.

Saturday morning I’ll wake up and we’ll have a moving sale and it will all start to get very real as we let go of our possessions that are just creating mass and clutter in our lives.

Somewhere in there we’ll hopefully keep looking for places to live.

For now, one moment at a time. I do what I can. I breathe. I get on my knees and I pray.

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* I wrote this entry on October 21st. 

Just a mere 3 days later our whole world turned around for the better. I’m still on my knees but only out of the good advice of my dear Buddhist friend Jen who reminded me to “stay there!” as things began to open up for us. 🙂

So, I got a good night’s sleep at the hotel. A blissful 10 hours. I felt amazing after. Hard to believe how good actually.

As I was leaving the hotel I got a call from an old client who happens to work at Nike. She was calling to tell me she wants to hire me for a position she has open. The irony, eh? I told her I was headed in for an interview that day. She suggested I go “kick ass” at that interview but then come work for her. : ) She wants me to go through the process; to apply formally and to come in on Monday or Tuesday and meet her whole team because she wants to hire asap, before November 2nd. What the  ?

I went to my interview later that day and killed it. It was the best and most fun interview experience I’ve had, perhaps ever. Solid, connected, just a little nervous but mostly calm and prepared. They told me I left THEM excited about their jobs. Pretty cool.

Then I went to see three new houses for rent on my way home from the interview. Backing up a bit… the day before, after my melt-down, I prayed on the living room floor. I declared myself complete with this house. I “let go” and spiritually “handed it off” to the new owners. Then, I convinced Gina we needed up our rent budget by $50-100 and just see what would open up for us. So we did. Three homes opened in the area we originally dreamt about but thought we were priced out of.

Gina had taken the girls to look at the places earlier that day while I was interviewing. She fell in love with one but said it was too small. The guy called me on my way back from Nike and offered for me to come see. So, what the hell, I did. It was dark, cold, rainy and late by then. When I arrived, the house was warm and dry and welcoming. I fell in love.

And not just with the house but the whole experience. The neighborhood, community, the tenants who live there now and how they told us the history of the house, the importance of the new people who move in and their being a good fit with the existing people on the block. They are our people. People we could be friends with. And the home is our home. It’s really similar to the first home we purchased. It’s little but it’s “us.” Complete with character, gorgeous details and little 1950’s quirks everywhere. The landlord is a dream, too, also “our” people. She practically asked us to move in. She really loves us (which, I don’t share to sound arrogant but rather to spell out how good it felt to be wanted and loved after at least 50 impersonal experiences with property management companies).

So, it’s Sunday afternoon. The girls are sleeping. We made money at the moving sale yesterday. The worst of this round of teething is over. Calliope took her first two steps (our of sheer momentum). I had a wonderful interview on Friday and have another interview and work possibility tomorrow (Monday). Best of all, today we secured our new home (that we are actually excited about despite the fact that it’s only 1000sf)! Amazing what a difference a few days can make.

I am on cloud nine (and yes, still on my knees). Grateful, happy, at peace. I’m ready to leave this house. It’s all in boxes and dissarry. The shift has begun and even though we’ll clean up today from the sale, the house will never go back to how it was when we really lived here. The wheels are in motion and I’m ready.

Let’s do this!

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*Today, October 24th

We signed the lease and paid a hefty deposit to offset the owners concern given the short-sale. In total, we wrote a check for $4700. Gulp. In some places, that’s a small down-payment to buy a house! Ah well, I’m certain we are doing the right thing here. It feels good and right, even if a bit sad. And, we’ve definitely learned a hard, hard lesson.

Just a few notes on the girls who are growing so fast.

BOTH
They LOVE their music class; they are cuing music now, beating with their hands and instruments to their own internal rhythm as well as the beat of music (in time, sometimes!), and they sing and wiggle around too.

They are like little parrots. They love to copy things we say and are now trying to make words. I think Genevieve’s first official word is “meow”. Go figure. 🙂 They make mumblings of Mama, Mommy, cat, doggie, bird, hi, bye and they are signing more, too. Recently, when Gina left for work they signed “bye-bye Mommy”. It was a moment I hope to always remember.

Also fun to note is that they shake their heads up and down and back and forth for “Yes” and “No”. We must do this and didn’t know it. It’s hilarious to watch them in their super exaggerated way with big smirks on their faces.

Favorite past times include unfolding and tossing around laundry as well as dipping into the diaper basket and throwing the diapers everywhere! They also like to stand on the couch and look out the window at the birds on the wire, flying and pecking for food. They love letting the chickens out in the morning and of course petting that cats (which they’ve learned to do gently). They get so much joy from these things.

They play together more and more now. G plays keep-a-way from C and C seems to love it. Sweetest though is the kissing between them. GAWD! Every now and then I’ll look over and see one open mouth upon another and all kinds of sweetness between them. They give us open mouth kisses, too. 🙂

We still don’t let them watch TV but they have seen just a few things: the opening ceremony of the Olympics with a few sporting events, The Democratic National Convention and the 2012 Presidential Debates. The only reason they got to see these events was (selfishly) because they were on just before their bedtime and we didn’t want to miss them. Plus, we figured you can never start them too young on the things that matter in the world. 🙂

They eat everything we do now! LOVE this. I cook less for just them and now simply for the whole family. It’s so great. We all eat at the table together now too. For breakfast and dinner mostly. Lunch just they eat and we eat once they are down for their nap.

They are transitioning from two naps to one.  This is really tricky, especially with teething and the move. Hoping in about a month we’ll all be settled into a new rhythm.

Calliope
Calliope still uses that beautiful, melodic voice of hers in all kinds of ways. Though her favorite past time these days is scaling the baby gate. She is agile, coordinated and STRONG!

She is giggly and squirmy as ever and squeals with delight when she gets to walk holding on to one or both of our hands. She loves being close to us. She demands to be held often and grabs on tight while we swing and dance and bounce her around. If I could bottle her laughter I’d be a rich woman.

Genevieve
Genevieve is curious about everything and still shocks and charms people with her deep stares into their soul. Most recently, she worked her magic on the new landlord who just had her jaw dropped for the 5 minutes G loved her with her eyes.

She is a cuddler and gives super strong hugs. When she laughs or smiles, it makes us feel like God is raining her light directly on us.

In Sum
Halloween is just around the corner and we’ll be moving two days later. Last night they got dressed up in their costumes. Gina did it without me knowing; I turned the corner and suddenly there were two little ladybugs looking more adorable than I could have imagined. (I have TWO DAUGHTERS!!!)

I probably won’t write again for a while given we’ll be moving and all the rest.

By the next post, our lives will look very different. We’ll be in a new home, I may be a working mama and Gina a stay-at-home Mommy. The girls will have turned ONE! We aren’t sure what we are doing for their first birthday but we know we don’t want a big party or sugary treats. Maybe just us four doing something special and a sweet little ceremony for them. Maybe a few dear friends. Who knows. We’ll figure it out as we go. My mom and my sister arrive the first week in December and that will be a lovely treat for sure.

Amazing all the change that can happen in just one year. Despite all the stress of of late, the girls are the bright spot in my day. They are the light of my life and I STILL can hardly believe how blessed I am with getting to be their Mama. They are funny, fun, warm, loving, curious… just so amazing. I feel incredibly blessed too that I get to be Gina’s wife. My family is complete. Thank you, God.

Love, love.
regina

P.S. I am certain there are loads of typos and grammar mistakes here… not going to do the usual comb-through in the interest of time, so please forgive and try to make sense of that which doesn’t seem to make sense.