It’s not pretty, folks.

The Set Up
About a year ago I did a trade with my Tarot teacher. She is also an astrologist. She read my natal chart and my short term chart. I coached her in a way that supported her quitting smoking after 40+ years (over 1 year smoke free, she is now). In her reading to me she said (gently) that she could see why I’d had difficulty getting pregnant. There were certain stars in certain houses (God knows I can’t remember now) that explained why pregnancy had been a difficult thing for me to achieve. She even gently suggested I strongly consider adoption and begin to let go of the attachment of being pregnant (not give up on it, just begin to losen the grip). I had mixed emotions about that as you might imagine.

When I finally got pregnant, I thought, “Ha! Told you I could do it!”, the stubborn and tenacious Taurus in me serving well. Then, in the beginning of my pregnancy, I thought, well, it’s just this beginning part that is hard. Then by the middle I thought well, it’s just this middle part this is tough. Now, after this recent event (that you’ll read about in a moment), I’m considering that maybe inside that chart it wasn’t just that getting pregnant would be difficult, but that perhaps the whole pregnancy would be difficult.The older I get, the more disinclined I am to give such weight to astrological charts and the like, but suffering makes us look for explanations anywhere, eh?

Down There
While not commonly heard over a casual dinner conversation, unfortunately, hemorrhoids are commonly experienced by pregnant women. This is mostly due to the pressure and sometimes constipation (which is fortunately, not an issue for me) that occurs with pregnancy. So, at first, when I felt discomfort “down there”, I thought that’s all I had, simple little hemorrhoids.

Then I woke up in the middle of the night the end of last week in horrible pain. I mean, like, WOW. Something-must-be-wrong kind of pain. I took 2 Tylenol and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t because it just hurt so damn bad. The next two days were awful. I had to just be on my back or in a warm tub. Standing, sitting, walking? Nope. Out of the question. It was a weekend so Gina cared for me (thank goodness) and I called my midwife.  She suggested witch hazel and sitz baths which I’d been doing already and while it gave relief for a few minutes, it wasn’t long lasting. She also told me to go to the Sandy Rectal Clinic first thing on Monday. And so I did.

I met with Dr. Steven Cranford, whom I now affectionally call the Butt Doctor. He took one look and said, “Oh, yeah. These are not hemorrhoids, my dear. These are Thrombosis.” Throm-what? He went on to explain that with increased blood flow (hello? Did I mention that my body now pumps about 600 quarts of blood a day?) and increased pressure (Hi. I’m Regina. I’m 7.5 months pregnant and I already have 6+ pounds of baby plus 2 placentas, 2 water sacs et al, in my belly), these bulbous, hard blood clots form at the rectal opening and push on all the sensitive nerve endings. They are incredibly painful, he said. Some describe the pain as excruciating or agonizing.  Yeah. No shit. Roger that. 

The Fix?
Normally, he’d do a process called the Keesy method, a natural way to shrink them quickly. Or, he’d surgically remove them right then and there because the pain is so intense for patients. Unfortunately, for us knocked up, preggers women, neither options are available. Instead, I was given a very strong topical steroid to put on 3 times a day for 3 days only. The idea is to shrink them and get relief. Alternatively (here’s where it’s really not pretty) they can sometimes burst or rupture on their own. In either case, relief is sure to come. He assured me that within 4 days or so, I’d be feeling MUCH better and they’d be drastically smaller.

What Happened Then
That was Monday morning that I saw the Butt Doc. By day 2, Tuesday, I felt better even though things sort of looked a bit worse (maybe more developing?). By day 3, Wednesday, it was gradually worsening. No shrinking, just the opposite. By evening, I was in so much pain again, all I could do was just cry on my bed. More Tylenol to sleep. Feeling like things were worse, not better, and even feeling a stinging like there were now cuts down there, I called first thing Thursday morning (today).

Round Two. Ding!
He said he wanted me to come in again but he was in the office alone (admin gone that day) and wouldn’t see me unless someone was there–protocal for all his female patients. So I called Pema; she dropped everything and was there in a heartbeat– at the butt doctor’s office in the butt-examing room (complete with steps up to a table so you can lay on your side with your bum at his eye level). Now that’s a friend.

Yep. There are more, he confirmed. A couple more. He was sweet and heartfelt. “I know it hurts like hell and I know you are in a lot of pain, poor girl, but I still don’t want to do surgery unless it becomes truly, truly unbearable. It looks like one is about to rupture, which should bring you some relief. If that happens and you get scared, call me night or day and I’ll walk you through it. Until then, I’m going to give you a topical pain medication that should help take the edge off. Continue with salt water sitz baths, tylenol and rest. You should be feeling better in a few days.”

Despite the fact that that is what he said last time, the “better in a few days” part, I’m hopeful. I asked him, if because of the pressure of the babies would more just keep coming and he said no, it doesn’t work that way. These should heal during pregnancy.

So, with a big, fat, grateful hug (complete with crocodile tears) with Pema, I said good-bye to her outside the office on the busy Sandy Blvd. and made my way to Walgreens to pick up the pain medication. Home now, heating up food and on my back for the rest of the day.

Here’s to hoping (again) these things heal soon.

In the meantime, I’m okay. I’m breathing through all the hard stuff and still holding, simultaneously, all the joy, excitement and anticipation of meeting our daughters and birthing/labor. The closer we get, the more curious I am about who they are. Who will they be in the world? What will they look like? Sound like? Smell like? I can hardly wait. Fortunately, for their good health, I will.

Until soon, peace out.
xoxo 

P.S. Still poking my finger to test my blood 4x a day. It’s pretty clear I have gestational dieabetes. I’m simply managing it through diet. A total pain but all’s well.

Ultra sound tomorrow will give us more info on their weight and size.