The Dichotomy of My Pregnancy

Tomorrow marks another big milestone for us: 32 weeks! Wow. Hard to believe I’ve been pregnant that long. In the ways that it’s been so wonderful it feels like it’s gone by fast. In the ways that it’s been difficult, much slower. And so goes the human brain, eh?

It’s been a very full, interesting couple of weeks.

Nesting. Nesting. Nesting.
Gina and I have been purging and cleaning and prepping for babies, bigtime. Gina borrowed a truck and moved my office (emptied it out that is, before the lease ended), did runs to the dump and goodwill. I set up times for other mama’s-to-be to come over and take things we’d been given but didn’t need and I sold over $100 of stuff on craigslist (old chairs, tv’s, just shit that’s been laying around). Then we cleaned out and set up the basement, the guest room upstairs (which looks so nice) for our moms to stay in while they are here, hired a cleaner to come scour our dirty house and keep chipping away at the nursery. (By the way, by “we” I mostly mean Gina did the moving, I did the sitting and watching). Gina hung hooks, hung shelves and set up the bins for me to start to sort through baby clothes and organize by age. The laundry room is clean for the first time in history. Tidee Didee diaper service is set up and ready to go with the first delivery. We had a block baby shower and a work shower (Gina’s interpreter work-family). I took over doing our money and bills and anything else I can do from the couch. Gina does just about everything else that I can no longer do– including dishes! I met with and chose a pediatrician and have pre-registered at the hospital for our birth. Together, we finished our last natural birthing class.

There are still lots of last minute bits to do, a few errands to run and last purchases to be made at the Full House Mom’s re-sale this weekend (co-sleeper and a changing table). Oh and we still need a car… we are plugging away at that.  Then, we are hoping to just chill for the last few weeks before they get here. Well, chill, meaning Gina works her butt off interpreting but when she’s home, she can rest along with me.

We are finding these last few weeks magical in terms of just being with each other. Whether we are resting or nesting we are acutely aware these are the last days of our lives that it will ever be just us in our family. From here on out, no matter where we are or where they are, our girls will always be our girls.

All in all, we are close to ready. Well, ready as we are going to be.

My Bodily Self
Butt Stuff
Many of you have asked so I’ll be sure to get this out first; my thrombosis hemorrhoids are much, much better. Whew! They are still there and not healing as fast as the butt doc said they would but they are no longer painful, just slightly irritating and annoying– particularly when aggravated. The next time I saw my OB I told her about it and she said that she’d take a peek when they healed a bit more because depending on how bad they are when birth day comes it may impede delivering vaginally. She said, “I’ve scheduled C-sections before just because they were too much. If they rupture during labor, it’s painful and dangerous.” I think my midwife feels differently but it may all be a moot point anyway.

Numb Arms
Just as my backside started to feel better, I began to get slight numbing in my hands and arms. Within days it went from slight to intense numbing and nerve pain, all up and down my arm, particularly at night. By midnight, I cannot close my hand, it’s so swollen and painful. Can’t grab toilet paper when I get up to pee. Can’t turn a doorknob. You get the gist. It’s a giant painful club hand. Just in time for Halloween. Unfortunately, it hurts so much, I wake up constantly. I can’t sleep for long on either side without one of my arms getting numb and hurting (I have about 20 minutes on each side until it’s no longer tolerable, then I roll my heavy belly over and switch sides) and on my back it seems worst. To say the nights are tossy and turny is an understatement. Throw in my newly acquired skill of snoring and Gina’s been found on the couch by early morning more than once.

I’ve brought this issue to my 2 chiropractors, my OB, my midwife and my acupuncturist. In the end, they all say the same thing: there’s really not much they can do. It has to do with the swelling that is happening in my body, possibly compressing my spinal cord and the nerves in the arms. So, just another one of those things that is part of my unique journey it seems. It’s not clear if this will pass before the babes come but will most certainly go away once they are here. In the meantime, I ice, soak, do acupuncture, etc. Helps little but better than nothing.

A friend of mine, Krista, had this type of arm pain and when I told her about it, she immediately empathized and said, “Uh! I had that, I would wake up in middle of the night crying… it’s brutal!” Indeed it is. It still surprises me how someone getting my (our) human experience is helpful. Even though Krista’s arm pain was 8 or 9 years ago, I feel not so alone in mine today. So… for now, my hands and arms are numb and slightly painful in the daytime– manageable. At night, I dread going to sleep or laying down because the pain intensifies and my sleep is so interrupted… but each night I listen to relaxation audios and I manage to get through.

Pubic Symphysis 
The pubic symphsis goes from more intense to less intense. Last week it was exceptionally painful, which was particularly tough having to roll over in bed so much. Ouch! But the last two days it seems to feel a bit better. Thankful for the little things.

Other little bits…
Heartburn and really heavy breathing are starting to kick in but it ain’t no thang. Gina sometimes just starts giggling out of the blue and when I ask her what’s so funny she says, “Man, you breathe heavy now! Can’t you hear that?” Nope. Not really. I don’t notice anyway. She thinks it extra funny because she says I’m a little person trapped inside a big body. Mostly, my energy is in spurts. I use it up then I’m wiped. I nap frequently which feels so great. In general, (apart from the arm thing), I feel pretty good. I’m not yet ready for them to come out.

All in all, I’m learning to keep riding the waves as all these things come and go. The mantra these days: This too shall pass. 

The Babes
The biggest news of the last two weeks has to do with our daughters.

The ultrasound 1.5 weeks ago showed them at 3lbs 2oz and 3lbs 4oz, again in the 50th percentile for singletons and again my OB was thrilled about this. Since then, they have been (and will continue til the end) gaining anywhere from a half to a whole pound EACH every week! That’s 1-2lbs of weight gain for me each week until the end. Wowsers! That means, they are each well over 4lbs now and maybe even close to 5lbs. My OB estimates that by 36 weeks they will for sure be 6.5lbs and (given all the good resting and eating I’ve been doing) it looks likely that I’ll go even a bit longer than that. Hurray! I feel really, really proud and happy about this.

Given all that growin’ they’re doin’, my belly has really gone through another “pop” and is even itching more due the growth spurt. I’m measuring 40weeks now and we have another 4-6 to go. By the way, my waist measures 46 inches and I weigh over 180lbs!!!

It’s super fun to watch and feel them growing like this. They are moving a lot and seem to have the same wake/sleep cycles. I can feel them interact with each other. Even on the days I’m ready to be out of all this heavy weight and physical pain and just have my body back, I don’t ever want to lose this feeling of them moving inside me. Like everything in this pregnancy has been (and I’m guessing in parenthood), it’s the biggest dichotomy I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never been through something this tough and never loved a time in my life so much.

The less encouraging news is that Baby A is breech and Baby B is transverse and there’s not much room for them to turn head down at this point.

Baby A is sitting all comfy-cozy like right on my bladder. Her torso and head are upright, toward my left rib/breast. Her feet dangle down by my cervix. She is “engaged” in my pelvis. Baby B who is 2oz heavier (less desirable for a vaginal birth– they like to see baby A heavier) and transverse laying right across the top of my belly. Her head is directly under my left breast/ribs (head to head and cheek to cheek with her sister), her back goes across the top part of my belly and her bum is just down under my right breast, sometimes further down my side. Her legs dangle down on my right pelvis area. Often times I can feel them playing footies. In essence, they are hugging.

Despite how sweet they are in their positions, it’s not ideal for a natural, vaginal childbirth. Truth is, not only is it not ideal, if they stay this way, it’s just not possible.

My OB had a pretty frank conversation with me last week. I asked if she was hopeful that they’d turn and she put her eyes down and shook her head. She confessed that she wasn’t going to schedule the 38 week C-section that day, but I should begin to prepare myself for that. I asked her about ways to turn the girls: acupuncture, inversion in a pool, pulsatilla (homeopathic), Webster technique, etc. She was very clear and adamant that most all the things that she would okay doing for singletons we simply can’t do for twins: too dangerous given there are more cords, sacs, placentas and just less room. She was a bit harsh (perhaps afraid I wouldn’t heed her advice?). Having my girls turn at this point would be like having a baby turn at 40weeks. Possible, just not likely. Maybe even less likely because they have another person in there to consider and work around. Particularly, as she said, “They would each have to move A LOT to get in positions I felt comfortable with.”

My Emotional Self
I waited until I got to the elevator to cry. Once there, too many people. It was all I could do to get to my vehicle and let the damn break. I sat there, in the car we’ll soon be selling, sun shining down on a gorgeous Fall day and cried like I haven’t cried since Idgie died. When I composed myself enough to drive, I headed to my midwife’s office to pick up some DHA supplements I needed (a detour I had planned even before my appointment that morning). She wasn’t there but her daughter who works the front desk AND birthed twins last year with my same OB was. She saw my puffy eyes, asked what happened and came around the desk and hugged me while I cried. Though we’ve come to know and grow fond of each other over the past 8 months, it was odd to be crying uncontrollably in the arms of a virtual stranger, but also good to know that she really got it. It was a sweet moment of surrender and receiving. We talked through things a bit and by the time I left, my chest felt less heavy.

Still, I needed to clear my head. Needed to be in nature. Needed to not put my butt back on the couch and feel sad. So I spontaneously took a left turn instead of a right and found myself heading out to Sauvie’s Island– one of my favorite places in Oregon in the Fall. I went to Kruger Farms and just walked around. It was mostly empty but the sunflowers and cornstalks were in full bloom. I bought a nectarine and some pumpkin butter. I walked out to a picnic bench, ate the nectarine and just breathed. There were gorgeous geese above heading south for the winter. I told the girls what the noise was and that when they were out, there were going to be so many more wonderful creatures for them to see and hear.

Then I talked with them about turning. I told them that if they could do it safely, turning was really the safest, most healthy option for them to come out. But, if they can’t turn safely, it’s okay. Stay put. I told them I trusted them to do what they know is best for them and I’d make it great, wonderful and safe for them no matter. I told them that all my tears and sadness have nothing to do with them, nothing is theirs to own, that my sadness is just mine and part of my own process. I think they got it. When I asked them why they are in the positions the way they are, (not head down given it’s instinctual) they simply said, “We like it here. We’re comfy. We’re close.” Then I started to think, they are so close, cheek to cheek, it’ll take an act of courage for one of them to leave the other and dive down. It was good to sort of get in their world about it.

Between the OB appointment and being out at Sauvies’ I called Gina and left her an incredibly teary message. When she got off work around 2pm, we had lunch together and then a spontaneous date before she had to leave to work again that night. She said, “C’mon, let’s go to the park.” She took me to a place nearby with a lovely fountain and tons of roses. We walked and talked, cried a bit, laughed a bit. We laid in the grass and stared up at the huge trees dropping their little helicpoter seedlings. We were quiet and listened to the breeze blow. The weather was one of those amazing perfect Fall days that I look forward to all year. And it was the perfect date. I felt so alive. So present. So connected with Gina and the girls. I’ll never forget it, actually.

Healing
You can imagine, a lot has transpired since then. I’ve processed so much. Suffice to say, I’m not giving up hope that they’ll be able to turn if that is what is best for them. I still “see” a vaginal birth. I can feel it. We are doing the few things my OB and midwife feel safe with; acupuncture and moxa (at home), homeopathic remedy, flash light at cervix, music at cervix and hanging my belly like a hammock daily. The most important thing I’m doing though, is hypnosis audios. I have a few but two that I’m listening to right now have to do with turning breech babies and the other is on a happy delivery (no matter whether vaginal or surgery). They deeply relax me and at the end of the day, that feels right and good.

As for my personal sadness around this, I’m working through it. It’s hard for me to describe why I so deeply long to birth vaginally and naturally. It feels primal. Like wanting food when you are hungry, air when you cannot breathe. Different than being attached to something I want- like a job or house or something. It’s always been a vision. As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to push a baby out of my body. It’s simply sad for me that I may not get to do this.

For those of you who had C-sections or worry about me… please don’t. I’m good. I promise. I’m processing this fully. I DO know that once the girls are here it will matter far less to me how they came. I DO know that their health and safety (and mine) is the most important thing and of course that will be the ONLY thing that drives how we go forward. And I AM grateful that we have modern medicine (and an amazing surgeon) in cases like these wherin without it — like, hundreds of years ago–I would simply die in childbirth. All of that is true and I get it. Please (I say with love and respect), don’t email me to remind me of all those things… I know them and am grateful for the options I have. Deeply grateful in fact. However, like I wrote earlier, this pregnancy is a dichotomy. I’m holding so many “opposites” at once. While holding all that knowing and gratitude, I am also holding my own sadness and beginning to grieve a potential loss of how I longed for my one and only birth process to go. The more I cry, the freer I feel. And now, almost a week later, I am able to really explore the ways that having a C-Section could be empowering for us all (and how we can still create it to be some of what we want). All the while, intending and visioning that these babies and I get to labor together, partner together, create the magic and claim the birthright that is inherent for all of us.

I’d really love you to join me in that vision.

 

 

Here are a few pics… about 1-2 weeks ago, but fun to share nonetheless.