Month Four– The Season of Change

Month Four
I do believe we moved from crisis mode to finding our own sweet little rhythm … and then back to crisis mode. Even though it’s still a ton of work I don’t think it’s anything like those first three months, though. There are more joys now but the cumulative sleep deprivation for us grown-ups is worse. They say that by the end of 6 months we’ll feel like “we made it.” I’m really hanging in there til month six. Until then, we focus on keeping a daily rhythm for the girls. If we fall out of that and they miss thier naps we pay the price big time, sometimes for a few days even. Suffice to say, our social life is limited and I suppose in the big picture we don’t mind. It won’t be forever. Just how it is now. Still, it’s sometimes hard to explain to people why we can’t make it out or have them over. It’s just not “double” the work with two, it’s exponetially different.

As promised, there really were a remarkable amount of milestones and growth for the girls this past month. They went from barely looking at something and thinking about touching it, to trying to touch it, to accidentally touching it 1 out of every 10 tries to full-on reaching out with intention and grabbing something. They went from having wobbly heads when being held upright to holding their heads strong and steady. They went from laying on their tummies struggling to *just* about able to roll over. They went from making sound only when they eat to making some sounds intentionally to making full-on conversations with us and each other! G has a very deep voice and belt is out rhythemically. Callie has a higher pitch, sing-songy voice and is melodic when she talks. It’s been amazing to witness the changes literally every single day.

Here is an audio clip of Callie and video of Genevieve both toward the end of the month…just a week and two ago.

Callie talking. 3mo 3 wks

Genevieve talking

They reach out and touch each other, hold hands, and are aware of (and like) each other a lot. It’s very sweet. They reach out and touch our faces, smile and laugh when we smile or laugh back. We sing, dance, read books and play and they love it all. Mostly we work on allowing them the physical development they need right now and then we throw in doses of mental stimulation with books, music and ASL all in hopes they’ll grow nice beautiful brains, able bodies and let’s face it– sleep well. 🙂

Here’s a snapshot of month four; I wrote an update each week.

Week One
Started off a bit rough. Sleep training was underway and I was stuck in that cute little nursery most of the day and in our bedroom at night. I got out for walks a couple times a week but mostly that was it (the weather has been really cold and rainy). Then Calliope started her teething and we had one night so rough I called a neighbor to come over and help until Gina got home. Our first run with infant Tylenol and three hours later, we cracked open a bottle of wine and ate sliced pizza from up the street.

Then came relief. Our friend Sarah flew in from SF, rented a car and saved the day. She cooked wholesome foods easy to eat. She held and rocked babies to sleep and she did an overnight shift so that I could catch a solid and sweet 9.5 hours of sleep. It was incredible. I took off a few times on my own—just for the purpose of taking a break. It was so strange to be away doing, well, anything… it all seemed so meaningless compared to my job at home with my girls. And I missed them terribly. BUT, the breaks were restorative and made me refreshed and a much better mommy.

The girls really notice each other now. They are happy to be near each other and they show it. If both are upset but one is clearly very upset, they still do the thing where the one will sit back and let the one who has a higher need get taken care of.

They are practicing grasping and reaching and head control. They have a wooden toy that sits above them when they are on their backs and they love staring up at it and swinging their arms at it. It’s astonishing to see their aim getting better every single day. The gross motor skills development is happening rapidly now. They also get “tummy time” every day since they sleep on their backs. They are lifting their heads now, still slightly wobbly, but stronger every day. It’s hard for me to let them struggle their on their tummies but I know it’s good for them and they don’t look upset, they just look like they are working hard at lifting their heads. They are also moving in ways that look like precursors to rolling over.

Sleeping is still a practice we take seriously every day and night. The night stretches are getting longer and we are so happy about that.

Week Two
This week was so mixed. The girls had a super rough week. My left boob just produced less and less milk, down to just a few drops over a 20 minute pump cycle. My right breast can fill 5-8oz though. Still, then I’m empty and can’t fill back up enough to feed them both (8-10 oz total) 2-3 hours later. In effect, I got so behind I was not able to catch up. Finally the pressure got to us and by mid week Gina and I got into a big fight. After 2 hours of sleep (literally), the next day I had next to no milk. So, through tears and exhaustion, I made my way to New Seasons and bought ingredients for the whole food goats milk supplement my ND pediatrician gave to us. We gave it to them that night. They both loved it. Genevieve did great on it but Callie reacted and we were all up from 3-5am helping a painful screaming Callie work out a belly ache. After things settled down, Gina and I made our way through our breakdown which we realized was really about each of us getting our needs met- or rather the lack thereof. Things have changed so much since the girls came. Neither of us gets to tend to the other like we used to.

The next day my sister and niece arrived and we had more help. Meals cooked, clean kitchen. Four hands in the house for babies and magically, out of the blue, G slept a stunning 13 hours, straight through the night. She woke up happier than I’d ever seen her. It felt like a miracle! And Callie slept all but for one feeding. Twas amazing!

Week Three
As for the goats milk not sitting well with Callie, I reduced the amount and still it upset her tummy. 🙁 Then woke up in middle of night with the answer. It wasn’t the goat’s milk, it was the nutritional yeast. Not sure how I knew that but the next morning I made her some without it and bam-o. Magic. That was it. Called midwife and checked it out. She said no worries, take it out of the formula as it is there to provide Vitamin B which they already get through me anyway.

Left boobie is still producing less and less and less. Very sad but another insight came to me in the middle of the night. I remembered I pierced that nipple ages ago. Nerve damage and scar tissue have had their way for 20 years and my brain, over the past 3 months, has told my boobie, “don’t do that here”. In essence, it’s shutting down. I talked with my midwife about it and another nurse practictioner midwife who worked in SF and said she’s seen it before. So, sad that I had to do goats milk 3.5 months in, wanted to at least get to 6 months before supplementing (despite the fact that my doc says she rarely sees moms of twins that don’t have to supplement). I could feel myself wanting to ration their milk (only give just enough in their bottles) and that wasn’t right, clearly. Now that I know the issue with my left breast, instead of feeling sad or having failed, I feel like a rock star for feeding 2 babies on one boob for so long. So now we supplement. Their primary food is still from me, but the goats milk assures me they really are getting all they need. Especially in a growth spurt like this.

Diana and Lindsay here have been heaven. I eat hot meals every night and my kitchen is perpetually clean, the pumping stuff always boiled and sterilized and the girls LOVE them. Again, they know they are family. I think they must sense it through smell.

This week the girls have made huge strides. They are reaching for things, grabbing them and really trying to lift themselves up and roll themselves over. It’s amazing. They are also noticing me when I walk in the room and track me when I am in the room (if they are in someone elses arms) and occassionally now, they just want me which I totally LOVE.

Week 4
We started off the week with a rough night, I got puked on all over my naked body and down into my yoni at 5am. Girls are waking at 3:30-4am every morning and don’t go back to sleep… it’s wearing on me. My placenta pills are gone and perhaps I’m a bit hormonal. I feel sad and shitty. I feel like we are in such a hard spot in our lives (money, house, financially, car, etc.).

I’ve been so tired, I’ve bumped into walls with the babies. Not sure I am even safe to be driving. My adrenal and cortisol are pretty messed up now my doc says. I believe her because even at 3am when I used to fall right back to sleep, now I can’t even sleep… it’s my body’s reaction to being so sleep deprived… not unlike what happens to the babies. It’s pretty intense.

One night, just to see in the light of day what a typically night looks like, I tracked it, waking by waking on my iPhone. Here is what a typical snapshot of a night looks like for us:

Sleep 3/6
8:50pm for Regina  9:45 for Gina
(babies went to sleep at 6/6:30)

9:50 Callie wakes  hungry. Feed her them dream feed Genevieve.  3oz each
Back to bed at 11 (asleep after 11:20)

12:20am – Gen upset. Change diaper and feed gen another 1.5oz Back to bed 12:55. I’m hungry but so exhausted I don’t eat. Just want to sleep.

1:45 Callie up. Crying.
Both babies back to bed with us
1:55 back to sleep

3:50 gen wakes. I nurse her. Gina makes bottle for Callie. Change both diapers. Gina makes me food. Im so hungry stomach is hurting. I eat like a vengeance. steak kabobs and green beans.

4:40 back to bed. Leave g unswaddeled and put in cosleeper.

5:01 g stirring. Wrap back up. Sooth back to sleep. Put back in our bed.  Turn sound waves on.
Lights out 5:15 sleep by 5:30

5:39 Callie wakes. Leave her. Let her settle gain. Prob go back to sleep by 5:50

6:10 Callie starts stirring- leave her

6:17 Gina puts her on her chest so g doesn’t fully wake.

6:26 too late. G keeps grunting and stirring. I get up to pee — been putting it off for hours. Boobs too full to put G on me for sleeping. Try to sleep a little anyway between her waking.

6:33 Callie starts stirring. G seems to be sleeping. My throat is scratchy from the cold Gina brought home.

6:50 both babies making lots of noise now. Unswaddle G and Watch her roll over. Despite how tires we are we marvel at this new feat.

6:53 nurse g on left side as its been really sore (clogged duct?) all night. Gina and Callie sleeping together.

So, while our sleeping certainly needs to change, until we figure out a new plan to get a little more sanity, I hired new childcare support. I went on SitterCity.com and put out an ad, interviewed (don’t ask me how I got the time) and boom, I went with my gut and hired someone we love. Her name is Camille and she’s been doing childcare for years and she herself is a twin (I found out after I hired her, ironically). She’s baby savvy, with-it, on-time, professional, competent and even teaches me a few things. I love it. Her help has made a HUGE difference in how my days and weeks go now that I’m so tired and worn out. I only wish we could afford to have her here more… that said, I’m practicing gratitude for what we have.

All the twin parents tell us there is a major shift at 6 months and we are not quite at 4 months in (though I met a twin Mom in Target the other day who apologetically told me it’s actually more like 18 months-2yrs before it really gets easier with two). When I think about races I’ve swam, rowed or run, this is the hardest part; two-thirds in. The end is not quiet in sight, your in the throws, you’ve been at it a long time, the exhaustion has now worn itself thin and there’s still a ways to go. So, I’m putting on my athletic frame of mind and going to power through. But let me tell you—this is NOT easy. It’s so hard. No wonder all the twin parents we meet seem traumatized. Seriously. And whatever areas Gina and I have struggled in the past, it’s amplified now given there’s more opportunity to do all the quirky things we do and there’s less sleep (read: patience) to deal with it.

My body got to about 15lbs from where I started and has stayed there a while. I don’t really care right now, I look and feel fine in terms of weight. That said, my body feels like a wreck. My neck, my back and now my rotator cuff are all in pain all the time. I keep thinking that is going to work itself out but as the girls get heavier and heavier, it’s not really getting better.

Gina and I
Weekends are so great. It’s Gina, the girls and I all together and all the sudden it’s really fun being with the girls and caring for them. Monday comes and I get a bit wiggy… nervous for long stretches—even with help, it’s still ME that’s on 24/7 with very little sleep. At this point, given the teething, I’m getting about 4 hours a night of fragmented sleep.

I’ve come to realize that my frustration or upset with being “on” 24/7 is moot. The truth is, the girls depend on me in a way they don’t depend on Gina (that they can relate to anyway) and Gina depends on me, too. And I depend on Gina. As my midwife told me,
“It’s not fair, it will never be fair. The brunt of this falls on you. Period.”

We all have these needs that need meeting and now the girls are first and Gina and I are dropped… Gina coming in dead last because I HAVE to eat and sleep (though I do both less than Gina) to take care of the girls. For example, I’ve been with them for hours and I really need to pee, eat and pump. Gina gets home and I need her to take the girls asap so I can get to one or two of those things. She jumps in but if it’s a hectic evening she’ll go until 8 or 9pm without eating since lunchtime that day– and likely a tiny, quick lunch at that. Yet, I’d likely gone way too long without eating and if I don’t, I lose my milk. It all feels very urgent and yet never quite head above water. Once Gina and I had this “our needs no longer are being met” insight, things seemed to get a bit easier. I think just empathizing with each other and then making little extra efforts where we can made a difference.

The Girls
Wow… they are so fun! They are reaching, grabbing, stretching, practicing to roll over and interact with each other and us all the time now. Their whole world seemed to open up in the last couple of weeks and it’s just amazing to witness. They hold hands all the time and they are constantly tracking each other. Especially Genevieve to Callie. G always wants to know where C is and when they are near each other, G doesn’t take her eyes off C. She smiles at her and adores her. Calliope reciprocates this adoration on occassion. She loves her sister something fierce (doesn’t like when she’s not around– at all) but when she is there, Callie is somehow freed up to be wide-eyed and fascinated by everyone and everything else. It’s all very sweet to witness their relationship unfolding before our eyes.

In sum, this month was filled with rapid growth but also really tough– physically and emotionally. Sleep started getting so much better for a couple of weeks and then suddenly teething happened and it all got messy and desperate. Something needs to shift next month– can’t keep going like this.

That said, the girls and being a mama is more and more fun everyday. We are so grateful for the visitors that helped us get through this month; Sarah, Diana and Lindsay. We are additionally grateful to a couple of dear friends, Krista and Sonja, who go above and beyond each week in love, time and support. We’d be lost without all the love, generosity and help we get. Truly. We’re worn thin and our loved ones make such a difference for our family.

Below are pics of the girls. I have some fabulous videos but don’t have time to get them all uploaded here. Soon, hopefully! For now, enjoy!

 

Sarah, Gina and Genevieve.

That’s all! As usual, please excuse poor grammar and typos… it’s a miracle I am able to get this out monthly as it is (thank goodness for hands-free milk pumping).