If you haven’t seen the above video/sketch yet, it’s definitely worth watching now– not only just for a laugh but if you want to get a glimpse into my/our world… here you go. Note: Listen to each question and answer closely… you’ll be laughing in between and it’s easy to miss some of the best pieces.
*Note- if the video is not showing up in your email, go here. And if all else fails, cut and paste this URL into your browser: http://youtu.be/tT-lgB_HGEE
Big Questions
So, the inspiration for posting this video is that recently Gina and I were asked some really weird questions again. Not long after, one evening while I was pumping, Gina asked with both confidence and a hint of trepidation, “Do you have a favorite?”
Boom. There is was. The question we so harshly judge others for asking us (and let’s face it, it’s none of a stranger’s business) but the thing so many of us want to know. Apparently the thing even my wife wanted to know.
It so happened, a few nights before, Sonja was over the house making me dinner and lovin me up, we talked about this. Not exactly “the favorite” thing, but some deep lurking fear that I might possibly LIKE one more than the other or god forbid, be more deeply bonded with one than the other. One nurses better than the other, one is easier than the other, etc… all those things add up to a different kind of liking and a different kind of bonding and we’d be processing it a bit.
So, I shared with Gina that conversation Sonja and I had and then I took a long pause, breathed deeply, thought carefully and responded.
“I don’t have a favorite. I can honestly say I don’t. I do however, at different times and different stages, feel more bonded with one than the other. Or maybe it’s more like I’m bonded differently with each baby. And there are things that I like about each daughter a whole lot that doesn’t really make me like her more, per se… but in a particular circumstance might make that baby easier or more fun or just more of what I am desiring or needing at the time.”
Bonding
To the first point, feeling more bonded: the thing in the video is funny, the answer to the “favorite” question is “Yes. The one that’s not screaming.” And in a way, that’s sort of true. When the girls first arrived, we were so survival focused and so sleep deprived that whichever baby was less colicky or less in need and just slept and looked sweet, that baby brought relief to the holder. Conversely, if one needed more attention, it’d be hard not to naturally bond more with her given so much more time and energy was being put into her. The first time I experienced this phenomenon, I cried so hard. Looking back now, I was so new to twins. I just didn’t know that the “easier baby” and more “in need baby” would actually change back and forth a number of times until finally, now at 5 1/2 months, it’s all just evened out. I know enough now to know that if one feels “easy” today, she’ll be the “difficult” one tomorrow. And the bonding that happens in each stage is simply different– not better or worse. Truth is, both these babies get tremendous (and equal) amounts of love and attention. Likewise, Gina and I both get our fair share of difficulties and pleasures with both the girls.
Preference
To the second point, “liking certain traits more.” Here’s what I mean; if I’m going out to be in a crowd and want a baby that will be interested in everyone, curious about the world, light up the room with her smile, laughter and charming personality, Callie is my girl. If I want snuggle time, deep 1:1 eye contact with a gentle spirit, a spiritual experience even, Genevieve is my girl. Now, this in no way pins either of them to staying this way in the future. Gina and I, again, know enough to know that those things could flip on a dime. And, it also doesn’t preclude each of them from having some of the others’ dominant traits. Meaning, Genevieve can surely smile and flirt and light up a room. It’s just not her main gig. Callie is so sweet when she snuggles, she just tends to like to snuggle her “Monkey” more than us at bedtime. 🙂
Anyway, you get the gist. True to form, I think it’s so important to tell the truth about the “who is your favorite” conversation because let’s face it, we are human and in that we have preferences, likings, only so much patience, etc. OF COURSE there will be times it will be easier to be with one baby than the other. Over the last six months I’ve come to realize that’s okay, it’s natural. But love one more than the other? Or even have a favorite? Nope. Never. Just can’t imagine. It’s equal, it’s just so different with each.
Heck, when they are old enough, they’ll have a mom they prefer on any given day, too, right? So, I suppose better to be out with it now and just give room for all four of us to be who we are and love each other exactly as we are and exactly as we are not. At the end of the day, that’s the most important thing I want for our family– to love each other in a way that has our daughters feel unconditionally seen, gotten and loved. A space so safe they can be anyone and anyway they want or need to be. After that, their lives are up to them. Just remind me of that when they want nose piercings and tattoos, k?
Happy, Curious Calliope (we especially love the ears)
Happy, Gentle Genevieve
2 Responses to My Favorite Daughter