Ending the Year 2012

Hard to believe it’s been 8 weeks since I last wrote; feels more like 8 months.

So much has happened and so much has changed. We, as family, are different.

From where we last left off, it was just about Halloween, the girls were almost walking, the house had just sold, we had just landed a place to live and the interviews with Nike were progressing.

Today, just six weeks later, the girls are practically running, we packed up, shipped out and have been in our new home for almost 2 months (we love it, by the way). And, perhaps one of the biggest changes of all, as of November 26^th, I am a Nike employee/a working mama while Gina is a full-time, stay-at-home Mommy.

The month of November was really, really hard. It also happened to be mercury retrograde and if I weren’t a believer before, I am now. We had so many hiccups I thought things would never smooth out. But, it did and we are, just in the last few days, settling into our new routine.

The girls had a blast at Kennedy School for Halloween. We did too. Loved showing them off and meeting other twin parents and kiddos. The next day, we all got sick. Big sick. Chest cold, sick for a month kind of sick. That was also the day we had to go sign papers to close on the house. It was much more emotional than I anticipated. No wonder we got sick. As much as I was ready to get out from under the weight of the house, get our financial stability back and set up a better future for our girls, I still grieved for the home we had lived in for seven years. The next day was the day of the actual move. The movers came at 8am. I took the girls to New Seasons, our last journey there. It was a gorgeous, cold, fall day. I cried with my sore throat, called my friend Jen and took some time to process all of what was happening. Despite the sadness from the day before, the mood was sort of festive. I think we were all excited to get on to the next chapter.

We spent our first night in our new home quietly. The girls went to sleep in their new room (we’d mostly set up just like their old room) easily and without a hitch.

Then our sickness got worse. Over the next week we painted, unpacked (with the help of some very generous friends), lost our kitty Sookie in the eves of the roof for 2 days, lost Neko in our car for 8 hours and I attended yet another round of interviews.

We tore the roof apart to get Sookie and got lucky to find Neko. We tended to our sickness, all coughing with too much phlegm in our chests, and we got all the other little details ironed out (the wrong dishwasher delivered, bad customer service refusing to pick up, packages left at our other address, diapers delivered to the wrong place, horrible mold on our windows, etc.)

Somewhere in there Gina worked heartily and I was, eventually and finally, offered a position at Nike as a Sr. Employee Relations Manager. $100K with a 15% bonus and all our benefits paid for. A blessing beyond belief for our family and the second biggest heartache for me as a Mama yet. The offer came in on a Monday and I was asked to start the following Monday. I had one week (Thanksgiving week) left with my babies and my world as I’d known it. The night I got the call, I cried. No, that’s not quite right. I sobbed. For hours I felt my heart ache and pull as I imagined being gone from them all day and only seeing them at night. I called a dear friend who is also a working Mom and she loved me up, really got it and gave me some sage advice.

The next week was so bittersweet. So good to be together but sickness inflamed. None of our colds were better and my doc thought I had pneumonia. I got on strong meds. Then we thought Genevieve had it, too. A few days later, she spiked a 104 fever. That lasted for a few days then it broke suddenly and she got a rash all over. Mystery solved. Roseola. The next day, Calliope spiked her fever. 105. Higher and longer. Scary. Cool bathes and cold socks. When they were sick we obviously got nothing done. One mama would just hold a baby while she laid limp and moaned. The other Mama would be with the other baby and tend to everyone’s needs. It was so, so hard emotionally. Even though I know Moms go through some version of this (having their kids sick) all around the world, it still felt like a crisis to us. Our first time;  we learned a lot.

We cancelled Thanksgiving plans and just stayed in, our family, together. Quiet and sweet. That weekend we all felt loads better (and Mercury Retrograde ended incidentally). We took walks on cold sunny days, took the girls to see their first big Christmas tree in Pioneer Square and spontaneously met up with some friends at a local brewery downtown. We celebrated our new life and what the new roles for each of us would bring. We were happy. So, so happy.

Sunday night, the last night before it all would change, I called my new boss to sort out details for the Employee Orientation. As we chatted about working hours, etc. it hit me how little I’d see my girls. I sobbed all over again. Until I felt sick. I thought, and even said outloud, I don’t know if I can do it. Gina just heard me and held me.

The next morning I left the house while it was still dark outside, the girls fast asleep, and made my way in to my first day of work. As excited as it would have been years ago, it was bittersweet that day. Dream fulfilled (stay at home mama) ended. That said, another dream (working at Nike) was just beginning. And, I am still a Mama. I called my two dear Nike friends, Kori and Rhona, who helped me make my way, redirecting my heartache as needed to get through the day. I raced home at 4pm and the girls literally fell into my arms squealing with delight. I cried more.

That first week was rough. I cried myself to sleep every night and my heart ached all during the days. But, as everyone promised, it got easier. Or, perhaps I just learned how to be with the sadness and the longing.

Now, two months in, we are finding our groove. I toggle back and forth from “this is the best life ever!” with my amazing wife home caring for our amazing daughters to longing and sadness when I have longer days than I’d like and I see the girls only an hour or so. But, the weeks are flying by and the weekends feel long and sweet. I am honored I can be a provider for my family this way—it feels good (a pleasant surprise) and of course it feels good for my adult brain to be engaged in new thoughts, ideas, and being of service—my work—again.

Sleep
For a while, it was not ideal. We hadn’t slept well for over 3 months. Felt like we were going backward and even more tortuous over time.

After we were all so sick and lost loads of sleep from coughing, etc., the girls’ one year molars began to come in. Who knew there were one year molars? Apparently, they are the most painful of the lot, but you may recall, that’s what I was told about the last set that came in (the eye teeth). So, we have 8 molars to come in, in this house and it’s taken the better part of the last 2 months. About once to twice a week someone gets advil for the pain and the mommies get a little wine/whiskey/beer for our patience. It’s not easy; there were weeks we each slept about 3-5 hours a night more than one night in a row. But then, something will happen, the tooth will bust through, they’ll both sleep well and we’ll catch a solid 8 hours. I think knowing that 8 hours is possible now makes it even harder on the nights we are up rocking an agitated baby who just can’t sleep, or listening wide awake in bed while she tries to work it out. Sigh.

The last few weeks something has shifted though. The girls have been sleeping more soundly and we’ve been catching a solid 6-8 hours every night. Then, if we are lucky, a few more after that. KNOCK ON WOOD… I do believe we’ve hit a new normal. The girls sleep 12-13 hours a night and only occasionally wake around 5 or 6am due to being wet (leaking) or hungry. It’s better for everyone and we are so grateful. Please, God, let it stay this way.

My Health
My insomnia is getting better, thanks to my ND, and while I’m still taking some supplements (cortisol manager) and herbs to aid with sleep, I am taking them less and less. The last few weeks I’ve been off all of them totally. I still occasionally use my sleep hypnosis but usually only when hormones are peaked.

One thing that makes it hard to sleep is my nightsweats. I go through anywhere from 1-3 shirts a night and we have to wash the sheets all the time because I just soak them at night. My body, clothes, hair, pillow are all wet. The shirts are so wet that in the morning they I can sometimes wring them out. Yes, gross. Acupuncture and herbs and it’s not quite there yet… but hopefully soon. Just in the last week, it’s gotten better. Fingers crossed here too.

In the last few months there I was losing weight at light speed. Back down to below baby weight even without trying or paying much attention. Now, just in 2.5 weeks at work, I think I’ve put back on at least 5 pounds. Going from being so active to so sedentary (and eating more given I just have more time to eat) is a big change.

Gina and I
We are in awesome shape. Despite October and November being two really tough months, we amaze me. We are generous with each other, laughing, kissing, talking and a really good team. We still bicker and have our little stuff because you know, we’re us. 🙂

Shifting roles has been one of the best things for our relationship in all of our 12.5 years. We each have such a clear picture of the other person’s current role and life; from all the benefits to the challenges. For the record, staying home is harder. Hands down. Being away at work is harder on the heart but as for all other areas, physically/mentally and the like… being at home is harder. AND, it’s also the better, sweeter. Gina is beside herself with joy that she gets to do this. The plan is for at least a year. In the Spring, she’ll likely start picking up weekend and evening jobs just for her sanity, a little extra money and to stay in the game. Come January we’ll start searching for a new sitter so the girls can have someone other than us in their life regularly and so that Gina and the two of us can get time away now and again.

Typical Day
As the days grow shorter, my time is very clearly defined. I wake up, spend an hour getting ready with the girls playing at my feet. I grab coffee and food to go. I race to work, literally running up the stairs to my office. From 8:30-5 I work like a fiend. I race back down the stairs and curse traffic (or listen to Eckart Tolle) all the way home. About 5:40 I pull into the driveway, wave to the girls in the window, open the door and let them come running into my arms laughing and squealing with delight. Then I hold them, kiss them, cry a little and eventually peel off my coat and shoes and feed them dinner that Gina has prepared. I climb into the bath with them and then get them all dressed for bed. I read to them while Gina gets their bottles ready and together as a family we do our final nighttime routine. I’m giddy with delight this entire time. By 7pm we walk out of their room and I let myself feel my sadness for time too short with girls, my exhaustion, and my hunger.

Gina and I make dinner, eat, clean up the house and dishes. We get ready for bed, go to sleep by 10pm, wake-up and do it all again. That’s my week. Wake, drive, work, drive, babies, chores, sleep. Repeat. Nothing in between, and nor do I want there to be. I’m focused right now on the two most important things and that’s about all I can handle. I’m grateful.

The Girls
In the meantime, here are some updates on those incredible girlies. They are so damn fun, smart, funny and cute!

Calliope
Small but mighty, Calliope laughs, squeals and giggles with delight. She is a constant good time. Unless she’s not feeling good. Even then, I’m surprised by how resilient she is. She is sing-songy and verbal. She loves books. She’ll sit in the book corner just pouring over books for long stretches at a time turning the pages and reading them out loud (babbling), looking at the pictures. Then she’ll carefully pick her favorite one, stand up and walk to Gina or I, hold out the book and say, “Dah?” We read the book to her. G will join and we’ll do it all over again. And again and again and again. We never tire of this.

Calliope is agile and petite. She is coordinated and strong. The other day she climbed right up and over into the bathtub landing head first… after being surprised she giggled her way out.

Calliope has started fighting for her space in her sibiling relationship, too. G used to be able to take anything from her and even be physically more assertive. Not anymore. Ms C is now holding her own.

You know that delicious sweet smell of a freshly made organic beeswax candle? Or, the smell of a fresh honeycomb? That is exactly what Calliope smells like. All the time. It’s incredible. At first I thought it was the shampoo we use but alas, each girls smells different. And beeswax is Calliope’s smell.

Genevieve
Such a strong-willed, powerful force. Her voice is so loud and she loves using it. She giggles too, but mostly to the beat of her own inner musings, randomly and out of the blue. Though her mamas and a few special friends can get a smile out of her, mostly she still just looks deeply into people’s eyes, brows knit together trying to make sense of what she’s seeing. She plays independent and solo a lot. When she’s into something we’ve asked her not to get into (i.e. the lamp plug or the dirt in the potted plant) and we walk over to her and ask her gently what she’s doing, she gets this look on her face that tells us the best part about what she’s doing is that she’s not suppose to be doing it. Then she gives us a little devlish grin and dips her hand back just close enough to see if she can push the boundary. I absolutely love this about her.

G is cuddly. She loves to hug people and her stuffed animals. Often two at once. When we go new places, she’ll be the first to find (and hang on to) a stuffed animal– even in places where I was sure there’d be none. She even loves to “pet” Calliope as she learns the concept of “gentle” (although, it’s really already in her nature).

Genevieve is independent. She likes to push her sister around in her new wagon, get herself dressed as best she can, and feed herself. If and when it doesn’t work for her to do these things she very clearly lets us know her displeasure. We give her as much opportunity to do on her own all that she desires.

Genevieve smells so yummy, too. She smells earthier, muskier, deeper in a way, than her sister. Hard to explain exactly but I obviously love it just as much as C’s honeycomb scent.

Both
At almost 14 months old, Calliope measure 30.75 inches tall and is 19.5lbs. Genevieve measure 32.5 inches and is 21lbs 11oz. They are each within “normal” range. C is super petite. G is thin but sturdy and much taller (she wears one size bigger in clothes and almost in shoes). Their hair is curly and their eyes big. People comment mostly on those features.

They still make each other the happiest. They find each other funny and interesting. They are each other’s favorite people.

Interesting, when one of them takes something from the other (food off tray for example, or a toy), or bonks the other on the head (purpose or accidental) they don’t seem to care much. They act how they would if they, say, bonked their own head on accident. No upset. BUT, if it’s anyone other than “Sister” that commits the crime, they are vocal about it. It’s a twin thing we’ve learned and these two are no different.

Their language comprehension is incredible. Even though they don’t use verbal words right now, we can reason with them, explain to them, make requests of them, encourage them, etc…. and they respond clearly. Today Gina asked Calliope to bring her a Nike sneaker. She promptly walked over to the shoe bin, pulled out a tiny little Nike sneaker from all the other shoes and brought it back to Gina. Gina, who thought it was a fluke, asked her to go get another one. She did. And then another and she did that too.

Both girls sign a lot. G might sign just a bit more and C is perhaps trying to work out verbal words like Idgie, ball, mama, bubbles a tad more than G. They both sign these words: bath, water, food, please, milk, sleep, all-done, potty, frog, pig, more, meat, socks, tree, owl, fish, bed/nap, duck, tree… and I’m sure there are more that I’m missing. Everyday, it seems, they learn a new sign. To be clear, those are just the signs they know to use. There are tens more that they understand when we sign to them. Sometimes we have whole exchanges not using any verbal words at all. It’s comforting to know that they can communicate to me/us what they need and we can then meet their needs much of the time.

One of the sweetest things as of late is them kissing each other. At bedtime book routine, right before sleep, or just randomly in the day, one will reach over to the other with an open mouth and the other will reciprocate as they “kiss” open mouth to open mouth. It’s so, so sweet (and slightly hysterical).

They love blowing “raspberries” on Gina and my big soft bellies. They love standing on and climbing in cardboard boxes. Most of their days are spent playing in the living room (with big picture windows and gorgeous nature view). They listen to music, play with their musical toys, and dance around with their silk scarves their auntie Diana gave to them.

They like to feed themselves and are getting more and more adept at using a spoon… though it’s still incredibly messy. 🙂 They LOVE to dip their food in other food now, a little fun trick their Nana taught them when she came to visit. They drink from straws now, and are totally fascile with their sippy cups and can drink from regular cups too. Favorite thing to drink is soup from a bowl. I have them take turns and when it’s one’s turn the other grabs my arm with the strength of a hungry alligator (to pull it back to her for her own consumption).

In general, the biggest shift since the last time I wrote is that then they were still babies and today, just weeks later, they are toddlers. Next week they’ll be 5yrs old. I’m sure of it.

It really is going so fast but we are doing our best to savor every single moment. We don’t let one little drop leave us. It’s difficult to describe in words the love, awe, respect and admiration I have for these two little beings. So blessed I am that this is my family.

I’ll likely blog less and less now that I’m working. I’ve been trying to get this one out for over a month. So, for now, I’ll say thank you for being present during our conception journey, during my pregnancy and for the first year of our new life as a family of four. It’s been a totally wild and wonderful ride. Without you, our community, we simply could not have done it. And, it would not have been nearly as sweet. 

Ever grateful,
regina

xxoo

P.S. The photos are a collection from over two months so there are many. Amazing how we can see them grow before our very eyes.