Cheating

Every now and again I have the feeling like I’m cheating. Like IVF is the shortcut, easy way to get knocked up. Is that crazy? After ALL we’ve been through, I still feel like maybe I should suffer more? Work harder?

I feel like since it’s not natural or on my own or something… that this is the cheaters way and when I really get pregnant, I’ll feel bad for all those women who were like me just months and years ago- at the end of their rope- except they don’t have the gift of IVF like we do, and then I’ll feel guilty. Yeah, all kinds of fucked up, I know.

To boot, I started thinking that if I do IVF, then maybe I’m going to do all other kinds of not-so-natural things with my pregnancy and then maybe I’ll have a C-Section and then what if I can’t breast feed… because (in my mind) that’s what happens to cheaters. They just keeping going and going until there is nothing authentic and natural anymore- and nothing good comes to cheaters. Right? Man, my mind was on a bender.

I didn’t have these thoughts for long (like less than an hour total) before I called my dear friend Sonja. The first first time I conceived, Sonja did too. We were just weeks apart. I lost mine but she has a beautiful baby boy Lucas (emphasis on beautiful). For some reason (and with some people for me it’s like this) I’ve never had that bittersweet pang in my heart watching Sonja be pregnant, go through birth and have her dream; her baby. Nor do I feel it when I visit with, hold and love-up Lucas. It’s always just been pure sweet the whole way through (and I’ve felt the bitter, too, it’s not beneath me, that much I know). Sonja and I have been solid supports for each other the last two years.

So when Sonja answered the phone I was grateful. She was busy but so gracious I’d never have known it. In a matter of minutes she managed to juggle bids for her busted dryer, sooth her teething son and talk me off a ledge and back to somewhere sane. Incredible. In moments like these I realize I really do have TEAM of amazing people that are going through this with us; supporting us in ways that I’ll never forget and will share with our kids.

Two days later, Sonja sent me this email with this link:

Hello beautiful friend 🙂 This weekend I watched Pregnant in America
(netflix WI) and this little excerpt is for you. This will be you
soon, I feel it….birthing  naturally and realizing all the benefits
it brings. You will be an amazing mama. Love to you, Sonja xoxo

http://qik.ly/CYXHhG3svFVCQVTBwhW9avK

I no longer feel like I’m cheating. In fact, I feel pretty sick, sore and ready to stop taking shots and start getting on with getting pregnant.

I realize that being a mother and getting pregnant is natural and my birthright and my mother would remind me that I “deserve it” (and on some level I believe I do), I am keenly aware of how grateful I am for the opportunity we are getting to do it. The opportunity she (my mother) helped give us. Being a birth-mama is not just about deserving… it’s an honor and a privilege. It’s like nothing else, that much I know.

Still though, my  mind has moments that are not quite so clear. I’m super grateful for my team of people that support me daily. And that particular day, extra grateful for Sonja.

Happy Sonja and her sweet baby Lucas.