Sisterly Love.

Posted on February 4, 2011 by Regina

So, after thinking, writing, waiting, building up courage…I finally get my head in a space where I share the link to this blog with just a few people. Mom. Sister. Two friends who know what we’re doin’. That’s it. I’m all serious about it and shit.

The next morning, I get an email in my inbox from my sister, Diana, that reads:

“AWESOME…mother cluckers…LOL!!!”

I burst out laughing so hard I scared Gina.

While “mother cluckers” is really effing funny, I think I was laughing just as much at myself. It’s good to know that if ever I were to start taking things too seriously (who me?), I can always count on my sister to keep me laughing and grounded.

Thanks, Diana. You totally made my day. xo

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It’s Getting Real

Posted on January 31, 2011 by Regina

Ever wonder what $4,000 worth of medication looks like?

That’s exactly what showed up on my front door this week. Some of it needing to be refrigerated immediately so I stayed home half day Friday to receive the order.

When it arrived, I tore into like a kid opening a long-awaited and much anticipated Christmas or Birthday gift. I didn’t realize how real this arrival would make Our New Adventure. I also didn’t realize how excited I was until now. Or, maybe it’s just that this arrival got me excited. Until now, it’s been test, poking, prodding, waiting, surgery, more test, more poking, more prodding.

Now, in a few days, I’ll start my period (I hope it will be my last period for a very long time). On day three of my cycle, I will begin taking birth control pills, in the world of fertility better known as “suppression” pills (because they will help to suppress my egg follicles from growing until we are ready to harvest them). I like to think of them as my “begin to take over my body” pills.

Ages ago I would never have imaged being excited by the prospect of having drugs take over my body and my natural cycle but life changes and I are forced to change with it. Perhaps I am less excited by the fact that drugs will take over my body and more excited by what’s available in my surrendering to that. Mmmh. Yes. I do believe that’s it. Any way you slice it, I’ve had a mental shift. A change in mind and heart. A willingness to open and create a new context. Let’s hope it does the trick.

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My “Husband”.

Posted on January 31, 2011 by Regina

My reproductive doc called in the (very) long list of prescriptions for our new adventure. The pharmaceutical company called me to verify my name, address, doctor and take the $4K payment before shipping.

“Okay mam’m, just one last question before we take payment, Are you covered on your husband’s insurance?”

Silence. Even though this type of question about “my husband” comes at least once a month and I’m put in the very awkward position of either correcting someone or just letting it go (it’s a toss up to which is more painful), I am still surprised and caught off guard every time it comes.

“Mam’m? Are you still there?”

“Uh, yes, I… ” trying to figure out what to say I’m stumped. Do I tell her I do not have a husband? Do I tell her I have a wife and that she DOES have insurance but I’m not covered under it even though that is now legal and offered in Oregon. Do I just give her my insurance? Figuring, figuring…

“Mam’m? ARE you covered under your husband’s insurance? If so, I can call to see if they cover any of the prescriptions” Slight annoyance in her voice now. I choose the straight (no pun) truth.

“Uh, I don’t have a husband. Would you like my insurance card?”

“Oh, I’m very sorry. It says here that you are married. I apologize.”

“No problem. I appreciate that. Yes. I am married, I have a wife.”

Embarrassed and surprised, “Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s just that most of our patients have husbands so I just assumed… ”

“Yes, well, I do understand that,” I am feeling in a generous and grounded mood so I make an offering, kindly. “You know, you may want to consider using a more neutral word like “spouse”, that way you always have your bases covered and you nor your customers has to feel awkward or embarrassed.

Defensive. “Well, it’s just that I was doing my best and most women who call in DO have a husband and…”

With more generosity and empathy than even I might have expected from myself, “Yes. I understand, you were doing your best and I can really tell you are committed to excellent customer service and I do appreciate that. And, it’s just an invitation. Because at this point, things are really uncomfortable and that could all have been avoided. Spouse. Partner. Whatever. Just more… “encompassing” can save everyone a lot of grief. Now, would you like my insurance card?”

“Yes. Thank you mam’m.” She speaks curtly but professionally and I appreciate that. She’s dealing with herself and I can appreciate that too.

We hang up. She calls my insurance. She calls me back about 10-15 minutes later and apologizes without excuse.

“Hello, Ms. Perata. Yes, I do apologie about earlier. That won’t happen again.”

“No problem, thank you Marlene. I really appreciate that.”

“So, your insurance covered $300 of the $4, 286. Would you like to give me your visa number to pay for the balance?”

And off we go, both polite as we finish our call.

I hang up the phone and can’t help but wonder what the conversation will sound like at her dinner table that night.

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That Was Weird.

Posted on January 25, 2011 by Regina

Walgreens will now notify you by text message when your prescription is ready. Cool, right?

So I get a text. Two days later I get a phone call reminding me to pick up the first set of of my drugs for our new adventure. I’m excited!

The first set of drugs happen to be birth control pills. I’m gay. I trust the irony is not lost on you, dear reader.

Pharmacist: That’ll be $15 co-pay please.
I pay.
Pharmacist: So, have you used these before?
Me: Um, yeah, like 20 years ago!
Pharmacist: Great. Then you don’t have any questions.
Me: I guess things haven’t changed much since then. (Met by blank stare). Well, then. Nope. I guess I do not have any questions.
Pharmacist: Great. Then, all you have to do is renew your prescription every 21 days.
My thought bubble: Right. That’s all I have to do.
Me: Thank you. Have a nice day!

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Surgery

Posted on January 23, 2011 by Regina

So, the surgery (technically called a Hysteroscopy) was Thursday morning at 8am and Gina was *just* well enough after being sick all day the day before (I mean REALLY sick) to bring me to surgery and stay with me during the surgery. She rallied. I mean really rallied. And I really needed her to. You know sometimes you call in a serious favor from your spouse?  This was one of those times and she rose to the challenge in a big way.

I think once we both got started with surgery prep that morning, it all became real what was going on. The diagnosis and planned surgery all happened so fast it only gave us time to handle logistics and details and not get too much into the actuality of it all. Probably a good thing.

Onward. We waited in the waiting room only a short time before they called me in. During that time, Gina and I peeked at my prep-medicine I was to bring that morning. It was Opium and Belladonna rectal suppository to relax me and my uterus (good times). As we broke out the little bottle, we were grateful for a nice little laugh. See pic below.

Nurses were amazing. Valium on top of the Opium and Belladonna had me incredibly relaxed but in now way prepared for how intense or painful the surgery would be.

We started the party off with four (count them FOUR) shots right on the surface of my cervix. Big need. Big, long needle. I’m not too needle squeamish. I used to let my flabbotomist friends practice on me. I’ve had more oral surgeries with big needles than I would like to remember. In fact, I just had big needles in my mouth only weeks ago (a35 year old gravel removed from my mouth, yet another story for another time). But the cervix and big long needs, just doesn’t seem right, does it?

I knew my body was shaped a bit funky inside, Dr. Heslea has told me many a times (why I always need a full bladder, help him get where he needs to go easier and less pain for me). But this surgery called for an empty bladder (much like the SIS) and when my OB got in there she said, “Oh, I see. It’s shaped like *this*-  (moves her hand up and down from between my legs) like a rollercoaster. After a bit more maneuvering, she’s in and I’m okay.

There’s a camera in there and I can see the inside of my uterus on the monitor. So cool! Where is that little bugger? Let’s get it and get out. There is it! It is a polyp (I was wrong again, not a clot). She cuts off the stalk with a bit of a metal tong (kinda looked like the mouth of alligator, only metal). Oh, what’s that? There’s more? Oh. Okay. Let’s get that. Wait, there’s more? And more. And more. It seemed like the entire lining was covered with very light, seaweed like mini-polyps. They are floaty and thing and almost impossible to grasp. Imagine pulling thin seaweed out of the ocean with a chop-sticks. That’s what it looked like. So she perserved until she got it all.

Unfortunately, this was not easy for me. The surgery was a bit longer than planned and the more she had to be in there, the more poking on my uterus I got. While my uterus was relaxed, I’ll remind you, it was not numbed.  I breathed and focused and thanked myself for all the centered, focused, meditative and “being in my body” practices I had done all my life because now I needed it all. Soon, I realized I wasn’t just being a wimp (which is sort of where my mind wanted to go- kinda minimizing the pain). In a sort of sudden fashion the nurses were getting my cold clothes, apple juice for sipping, rescue remedy being dropped under my tongue quickly, and checking my BP in an urgent sort of way. Words of encouragement were being said softly and I hung on them like a life raft. Breath. Breath.

I had refractory pain in my upper thigh that started slight and turned excruciating (and I write that word in the non-exaggerating way). Seriously, excruciating. I had the student OB hold my leg in the stirrups… I let it relax a bit but it was only getting worse. More kind, helpful words. Hang in there. We are almost done. Breath. Move your toes. Look at me, Regina. Look at me in the eye. Stay with me.

I was *this close* to telling them I needed them to knock me out when I tried to see if I could last just a bit longer. I did. And in a moment it was over. The pain in my leg continued but it was over.

It took another 30 minutes before I could actually walk out of the office. I tried a few times before that but was too dizzy and woozy. We made it to the car, made it home. Gina got us a yummy lunch I tried to enjoy the last bit of Opium and valium before I nodded off for 4 hours. We slept soundly all afternoon. When I woke up it was dark. I was feeling weak but good and happy it was over and out. Clean uterus, onward and upward.

Now, let’s do some laundry and pack because our flight to CA for our Conscious Embodiment training leaves first thing tomorrow morning.

Never a dull moment, is there?

Gina in waiting room pre-surgery

 

Visual help; in case one isn't certain where to find the rectum.

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Pre- (surprise) surgery

Posted on January 23, 2011 by Regina

Where were we… ah, yes. Well, the rest of the day of the past post (Tuesday, diagnosis day) got a bit crazy. Can my doc do it? Will insurance cover it? No he can’t? Well, will my OB do it? Yep, but she needs to see me for a regular annual, review the Saline Histogram (SIS), and call my insurance.

So I cancel a Wednesday meeting to get in her one open slot (the she probably made for me).  All looks good. Let’s go for it! She just needs to confirm my insurance will cover it- she doesn’t think it’ll be a problem so let’s act as if it’s a “go” she says. I get my pre-surgery prescriptions, prep materials and head home.

Meanwhile, that morning, Gina starts with the green face and bad belly. Turns out I didn’t have food poisoning, I had the flu. And I gave it to her. Oy.

Meanwhile I get home and get to work canceling and rescheduling everything for the next day- Thursday. To boot I was trying to schedule offsites with clients (who need to book spaces, block time from their clients, put down money, etc.) and it’s all hinging on whether I can do this surgery or not because if I can’t, we have to move all those meeting (and there are many) b/c the timing for our next “try” will get all wonky and, and, and… breathe, Regina. I’m just waiting for the green light from my OB about the insurance. 3pm I get a call from my OB’s office. Insurance is giving them grief. My OB and their Chief of Claims will review the info later that night, after hours. My OB goes to BAT for me in a big way.

I email my clients and apologize I can’t move forward on committing to those offsites next month… oh, it’s awful but my clients are amazing and understand and I”ll be in touch as soon as I know.

8pm on Wednesday evening I get a text my from OB’s assistant. Surgery is on! Yah! This is beautiful. The way we wanted it. I ping clients, they are all good- no major money or time loss. Surgery is gonna get done in the office, not in the hospital. No anesthesia. Whew! Did I mention my OB rocks? And most important, we’ll get to stay on track with our TTC plan. I a so, grateful and so happy about all this.

It’s hard to explain what a chaotic week this was. Seemed like every hour an new hurdle was thrown our way. Squeezing in doc appointments, adding an extra 3 hours on to my day for rescheduling surgery day as well of future work stuff, and taking care of my sick wife had me sleep very well that night, despite the fact that I was going in for surgery the next morning. Thank goodness for an amazing team of medical experts that we are working with and friends and family who offer to drive, help, pick me up, fight for surgery and my staying “on track” ….and more. It’s trite but true: hard times make me realize how good we’ve got it and how grateful we are.

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Well, so much for that.

Posted on January 11, 2011 by Regina

Monday I spent recovering from the food poisoning and Tuesday, today, I went to the reproductive doc to get a few pre-tests done for our pending adventure.

I was suppose to come in with a full bladder but because I was so dehydrated from the food poisoning it was really hard to get my bladder full. God knows I tried. I was nauseas and worried I couldn’t keep it down.

So, the nice doc decided to do the “empty bladder test” first and the “full bladder test” later to give the water I was consuming in mass quantities time to make it’s way down. May have turned out to be a blessing.

He put a catheter up my vag, through my cervix and in my uterus. If you think that sounds painful, you are right. Of all the procedures in the past years, this was the most painful (and incidentally, one of the few Gina couldn’t be there for). Once in, he pulled the speculum out, attached a bag of saline then put an ultra sound probe up me. At this point, I was feeling some gratitude toward the probe for the pain it didn’t cause me.

Suddenly I felt bursts of water floating down my backside. The catheter wasn’t in enough. Sorry, he said. We are gonna have to do this again and deeper. It’s not in far enough.  I’ll refrain from dirty jokes and sarcastic jokes here.

So, I breathed and braced. PAIN! Got it. Okay, onward.

He fills my uterus up with saline so that he can take a look around inside and make sure that all is well in my underworld. Turns out it’s not.

There was a big mass floating around in there. See it down below? The white blob inside the big dark cavity (that is my uterus)?

I always imagined someday I’d get to take these ultrasound pics home, so happy and proud to have a baby growing inside me. Instead, I am now the proud mother of (another) polyp or an enormous blood clot (I’m thinking it’s a clot because my last period was only a tease and I’m pretty sure all my lining didn’t shed- even thought to myself, I should take that herb to help the rest come out).

Turns out it doesn’t matter what I think. They need me in surgery. Thursday. Did I mention today is Tuesday? And that we are leaving Friday for CA for an important somatic training? Or that I have a crucial body work session with a client on Thursday afternoon that has been waiting over a month to happen?

They have to do the surgery inside a small window of my cycle- days 7-11 (so that the lining is not too built up) and doc may not be available this Thursday for surgery. If he’s not, I wait a month, let my period come and go again (and see if said clot above sheds with a little help from some Chinese Herbs and my natural health team). If it does not, I go in for surgery- they take a look and either remove it or leave it. If it’s a polyp that needs removing, we wait yet another month to let the lining of my uterus heal well enough to hold a pregnancy. At this point we could be on track for Febrary/March like we hoped or we could be looking at April or May.

Waiting for the call from the doc now. Meanwhile, I called my acupuncturist to get a second opinion. It was to have the surgery and get on with it asap.

The practice to simply surrender is hitting me over the head with a 2×4 and a blow torch. Let go. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should and I choose to believe that “setbacks” are really all just part of the grande plan to bring us a happy ending. Must believe. Must. Believe. Now.

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Getting the kinks worked out

Posted on January 10, 2011 by Regina

Gina and I had two great weeks away from work and with family–both in Boulder and in Portland. Monday, January 3rd was my first day back and I was thrilled to reengage with work and the like. The week, it turned out, had more in store for us than we imagined.

In short, our heater broke, computer broke (again), Neko kills, Ruby killed, surprise for Gina, food poisoning for me. Read on…

Monday
I got my new computer set up (my old one had crashed the hard-drive so many times they gave finally gave me a new one) and sorted through hundreds of emails from 2 weeks off. Heat goes out on a 20-something degree day. We are bundled in hats and scarves in the house.

Gina manages to get it fixed same day (she is my hero) and $745 later, we have heat.

Tuesday
I prepped all day for the Salon and then hosted it that evening. It was so fun. We didn’t get to bed until after midnight.

Wednesday
My new computer is acting funny. Track pad won’t work well- making it difficult to get work done. Excited about my new Unravelling Course with Susannah Conway- but unable yet to get assignments or do homework given back log of work and computer issues.

Heater seems to be acting up again. Hmm.

Spend much of the day seeing clients. Good to be back in the chair.

Thursday
I spent the day both seeing clients and re-writing contracts I had already written but lost on last computer debacle (yes, I back up hourly – the back up was part of the old issue). Feels good to get that all done but heater is definitely messed up. Spend all morning with furnace guy at the house telling us what else could be the problem ($1000 circuit board manufactures error that is no longer covered).

Spend another two hours on the phone with tech support for my brand new computer’s track pad. They ask me if it’s a static electricity deficiency in my fingers.

Neko kills and brings in a dead songbird. Trail of feather all throughout the house that lead us to it’s final resting place behind our little woofy stereo. Given that I’ve just finished reading Jonathon Franzen’s Freedom, this is especially disturbing to me.

Friday
I spent another hour on the phone with tech support. My computer’s trackpad is so bad I can no longer use the computer without a mouse and I want to just throw it off the roof I am SO frustrated!

Friday evening I bring the computer to Apple where the man behind the bar looks me in the eye with sympathy and tells me that I have simply had some really “bad luck”. He doesn’t want to send it back to depot to fix the hardware problem- that that would just add to the absurdity of all that I’ve gone through so far, he says. So he just gives me a new computer. Again. To be clear. This is the second brand new MacBookAir I’ve been given in 6 days.

We head out for happy hour to celebrate the excellent customer service and the hope that our house will stay warm, my new, new computer will work and we’ll be back on track. All around, we feel  happy and blessed. Chalk it up to a hard week. Go to be by 9:30 and sleep a solid 10 hours.

Saturday
I wake up around 7:30 and go to let chickens out but something is strange. My white Clementine is in the run just sort of pacing back and forth in a crazy kind of way. The other chickens are no where in sight. I see a big lump further down in the run. “Uh, oh”.

I get inside the hen house and open the doors. I count two chickens. Plus Clemmie in the run makes three. There are suppose to be four. I walk down a bit further in the run to the large lump and along the way I see massive clumps of feather where my girl Ruby put up a good fight. Eventually, though, she lost and I found her headless, half eaten and frozen. I let the other chickens out so they would be away from her and went to wake Gina up and tell her the sad news.

We buried Ruby that morning along the side of our house, the only place we could find where the ground wasn’t frozen solid. I placed one blueberry in her grave. She loved blueberries. The rest of the day was just sort of weird. Our chicken was dead yet I had a wonderful surprise for Gina that night: Dinner and Joan Rivers (whom she loves) live.

We made our way through the day and by evening we were hoping to have a good time, despite our loss. And we did. We had a great dinner. Oysters and champagne. The works. We went to the show, laughed our asses off and later attended a friend’s 50th party afterwards. Lovley.

I’m looking forward to Sunday where I can get my computer set up, Unravelling homework completed, house cleaned and groceries in the kitchen.

Sunday
Sunday morning 5am I wake up with the runs. Really bad runs. Feel sick. Go back to bed hoping it was a one off. I wake up 2 hours later. Same thing. Uh oh. By 9am I’m hoping it’s just the venison I ate (mixed with grotesque images of finding my Ruby) and nothing else but by 10am it’s clear I’m really sick. Greener and greener. Puke. More sick. More nausea. More runs. More puke. Body aches so bad I  cry. Can’t hold anything down. Trying all my homeopathics but there is no dent. Just have to ride it out. I can’t wait to sleep just to get out of the misery.

Gina is my savoir. She cleans, get some food (for her for our bare fridge), waits on me with every need (and gives me ample space, too), cancels all my Monday meetings.

In general, I am forced to surrender.

Monday (today)
Monday I wake up to discover that I’m still a bit weak and green and runny, but no aching and no puking. Things are looking up.

The heater is working, cats are healthy. Three chickens are clucking in the backyard as if nothing ever happened and my new, new computer is set up and running. Beautifully this time.

This is a short week given we are leaving Friday to do a training. Hoping that this week is non-eventful until then, even if full catching up from last week. Sometimes busy and boring is good.

It was a rocky start to the new year and the superstitious part of me is keen to make that mean something about how awful the rest of the year will be but I’m stopping that astrocious thinking and re-framing that the only thing it means is that we got all the kinks worked our right away and from here on out: smooth sailing. Look out 2011. Here we come!

xo,
regina

 

We love you, Ruby.

Rest in Peace, Ruby.

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