Hormonal Torpor

Posted on March 7, 2011 by Regina

The last few days have been intense- to say the least.

The hormones that are racing through my body are making me feel… I can hardly even describe. I feel like my energy and aura is supple, squishy, permeable and not quite able to naturally guard or fend off all the goods and evils of the world. To say that I feel heightened or sensitive is a gross understatement.

When a woman is going through a natural cycle (without drugs, just releasing one little egg in a month) her estrogen level gets about as high as 100. Today, mine came back at 2242. It’s like PMS on cryptonite.

My current symptoms emulate pregnancy (wherein estrogen gets this high). Here is what I feel at this point.

– Super sore boobies (this is a new development).
– Nausea all through out the day (particularly when I don’t eat)
– Heightened sense of smells (most make me feel sick).
– Crying. Yes. I cry all the time now. I mean, ALL the time. Learning to just roll with it.
– Things taste weird, particularly eggs. I can taste eggs in my mouth for an hour after I’ve had them.
– Very bruised belly. I am wearing soft cotton skirts with leggings every day for comfort. Irony is that I bought these soft skirts YEARS ago when I thought I was going to be pregnant. I thought they’d stretch with a growing belly.
– I feel my ovaries. No joke. Cramping in my lower abdomen. The follicles are growing so big now that I just feel them all the time. Especially if I move a certain way. It’s a TRIP.
– Intensely emotional; I feel so happy and in love with Gina. So connected with all that is good in the world (the Dalhi Lahma, MLK, Maya Angelou). And, when things are prickly anywhere (friends, the post office, you name it) I feel extra “ouchy” in my heart.
– Visual enhancement… not sure what that’s about but life is in technicolor. The grass is greener and the sky bluer.
– Night sweats. Sheets soaked. Yelch.
– Lower back pain.
– Insomnia. Difficulty falling asleep or back asleep.

In some ways, it feels like I am on the drug Ecstasy, which sort of makes sense given it’s a serotonin enhancer and isn’t that what estrogen is?

It’s Sunday night. We have three more days with my estrogen doubling each day. I can do this. I might burst by the end, but I can do it. I know I can.


Posted in Drugs and Medications, Hormones, What the ? | Leave a comment

Trigger Happy

Posted on March 7, 2011 by Regina

Follicle and Surgery Update
Normally one goes to the doc about every other day but because my follicles are all growing at such different rates, I’ve been having to go daily since Thursday. This means extra vaginal ultrasounds and blood draws for me.

Each day there is different news: Follicles growing more closely together. Oops, now the big one grew 6cm… yikes! Oh, wait, now they are closer again.

This past weekend we went in at the crack of dawn both Sat and Sun morning. Dr. H was not on call this weekend so it was Dr.M who has a VERY different personality which, in my current state of heightened emotions was both welcomed and cursed. Gina of course was neutral. Thank god. I just look to her to see how I should respond.

On Saturday he told us that my largest follicles were now larger than when they do the surgery but the smaller ones were too small to be of use. They have never in their history “triggered” (induce ovulation) for someone this early in the process. He wanted to get me to hold on until Monday… so, he WAY lowered the stimulating hormones and we came back in Sunday morning. He checked again and saw that the largest one did not grow even though it had grown 6cm the the last 48 hours and was now at 20cm (they like to harvest them around 18-20cm). And the smaller follicles had grown steadily… even up to 14cm (which is the smallest they will harvest them). But still, there are many follicles much smaller.

He says that the belief is that the eggs that grow fastest they believe may be the best in quality and the eggs that are small may be of lesser quality. Still, I had so many more mid-sized and smaller eggs (growing at a more normal rate) that maybe, it was my extra large eggs that have something less desirable about them. Truth is, there is no way to know. In the end, it was his call; quality over potential quantity.

My gut told me that waiting one more day was the thing to do. That if that one large follicle ended up being “too mature”, that would be okay, for we’d have a whole bunch more to work with. Anyway, he said there was only about 20% chance we’d lose that largest one to “over maturity”.

So, in the end, we sat in silence in the office. Me with goop on my yoni and a paper blanket across my lap. Gina sitting on tenor hooks in the chair. We breathed and watched as he looked over my chart and calculated. In the end, “Okay. I’m going to have you wait one more day. I think that is the best choice. I believe you’ll get way more eggs this way and I believe that there’s about a 20-25% chance we’ll lose that one large one.”

Whew. We all exhaled. Still, a 20% chance we’d have to trigger this after noon, he said. If my blood work came back showing that my body was starting to surge on it’s own (can happen when eggs get a certain size), we’d either have to start all over (because yes, it’s only a matter of HOURS before they can lose it all) or we’d have to trigger tonight. In the end, my blood work came back normal. We are solid. We are good.

We are to lower our dose of stimulating hormone yet again and hold off on the morning shot. I go in to see Dr. H yet again tomorrow (Monday) morning and we’ll look and see and go from there. For now, it’s VERY likely we’ll do the trigger shot Monday evening and we’ll be in surgery Wednesday morning, harvesting the eggs that hold one or more of our future children. Yes, I am crying again now. 🙂

P.S. Also, this weekend, Gina and I have been to two adoption classes. We figure just in case this doesn’t work out (and even if it does) we want to get moving on this process and we know (with out a doubt) we’ll foster or adopt as well as give birth. And since that process can take up to 2 years… off we go! Suffice to say, the classes were intense (especially in my drug induced condition) but they were informative and we are excited. More to come…

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Cheating

Posted on March 7, 2011 by Regina

Every now and again I have the feeling like I’m cheating. Like IVF is the shortcut, easy way to get knocked up. Is that crazy? After ALL we’ve been through, I still feel like maybe I should suffer more? Work harder?

I feel like since it’s not natural or on my own or something… that this is the cheaters way and when I really get pregnant, I’ll feel bad for all those women who were like me just months and years ago- at the end of their rope- except they don’t have the gift of IVF like we do, and then I’ll feel guilty. Yeah, all kinds of fucked up, I know.

To boot, I started thinking that if I do IVF, then maybe I’m going to do all other kinds of not-so-natural things with my pregnancy and then maybe I’ll have a C-Section and then what if I can’t breast feed… because (in my mind) that’s what happens to cheaters. They just keeping going and going until there is nothing authentic and natural anymore- and nothing good comes to cheaters. Right? Man, my mind was on a bender.

I didn’t have these thoughts for long (like less than an hour total) before I called my dear friend Sonja. The first first time I conceived, Sonja did too. We were just weeks apart. I lost mine but she has a beautiful baby boy Lucas (emphasis on beautiful). For some reason (and with some people for me it’s like this) I’ve never had that bittersweet pang in my heart watching Sonja be pregnant, go through birth and have her dream; her baby. Nor do I feel it when I visit with, hold and love-up Lucas. It’s always just been pure sweet the whole way through (and I’ve felt the bitter, too, it’s not beneath me, that much I know). Sonja and I have been solid supports for each other the last two years.

So when Sonja answered the phone I was grateful. She was busy but so gracious I’d never have known it. In a matter of minutes she managed to juggle bids for her busted dryer, sooth her teething son and talk me off a ledge and back to somewhere sane. Incredible. In moments like these I realize I really do have TEAM of amazing people that are going through this with us; supporting us in ways that I’ll never forget and will share with our kids.

Two days later, Sonja sent me this email with this link:

Hello beautiful friend 🙂 This weekend I watched Pregnant in America
(netflix WI) and this little excerpt is for you. This will be you
soon, I feel it….birthing  naturally and realizing all the benefits
it brings. You will be an amazing mama. Love to you, Sonja xoxo

http://qik.ly/CYXHhG3svFVCQVTBwhW9avK

I no longer feel like I’m cheating. In fact, I feel pretty sick, sore and ready to stop taking shots and start getting on with getting pregnant.

I realize that being a mother and getting pregnant is natural and my birthright and my mother would remind me that I “deserve it” (and on some level I believe I do), I am keenly aware of how grateful I am for the opportunity we are getting to do it. The opportunity she (my mother) helped give us. Being a birth-mama is not just about deserving… it’s an honor and a privilege. It’s like nothing else, that much I know.

Still though, my  mind has moments that are not quite so clear. I’m super grateful for my team of people that support me daily. And that particular day, extra grateful for Sonja.

Happy Sonja and her sweet baby Lucas.

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Day 6

Posted on March 4, 2011 by Regina

Day One is set by the first day we started the stimulation meds. We have a calendar up on the fridge that helps us know what “day” we are on and keeps track of all the daily meds. We take the calendar down and put all the drugs away when guests come. Kinda funny, actually.

My Fabulous Uterus
Today is day 6. After getting my morning injections, I went in to get poked again by the vaginal wand and a big needle for blood. When Dr. H opened the door and came in he was in an extra good mood. I couldn’t tell if it was because of the Amish Friendship bread I brought he and his staff or just because. But when he got the big magic wand in me and looked at the ultrasound screen his face lit up like a Christmas tree. He said, “Wow! Well, your uterus looks fabulous!”

Long pause. This was said with such enthusiasm it was like he was talking about my hair and makeup on prom night.

Finally, I said, “Well, thank you!” with a little swish in my voice.

We all laughed. He looked at me out of the corner of his blue eye, all twinkly and chuckled, “I don’t just say that to everyone, either.” Katie, the phlebotomist was in the room. She winked at me and said, “He’s right. He doesn’t.” and smiled big. It was one of the sweeter exchanges we’ve had.

A Good Group
By today (day 6), the follicles should measure between 8-10 cm. Dr. H found 14 follicles growing! Only a couple were larger or smaller than that range. So, while they are still not all uniform, the gap has closed even a bit more and he was all smiles today when he said, “I’m pleased, we have a really nice group we are working with here. This is good.” By group he means group of follicles, not his staff. He asked me to come in Saturday, told me we’d likely do retrieval Wednesday, smiled his sweet smile and was on his way.

Hormonalandia
Meanwhile, it was only 10:30am and I had already cried twice, thanks to the raging hormones (songs, magazine article in the waiting room… anything can trigger the tears really). By the days end, I would end up crying,  feeling overjoyed or having deep upset at least another eight times. My bloodwork came back and my estrogen is now at 857. Exactly where they want it. AND… holy cow! You may want to send Gina a sympathy card or two.

Good news is that my headache has been gone all day for the first time in about 2 weeks. It’s SUCH a relief. I’m wondering if I’m in such a giddy mood because of the hormones, because I’m so happy we are this far in the process or because my freaking migraine is gone! Anyway you slice it… Caitlin was right. I am MUCH happier and it’s all good.

Growing, Pinching Ovaries
Last but not least, today is the first day I have felt a little ovary cramping. Feels like little pinches in my lower abdomen. I was told this would happen as the ovaries expand with the growing follicles inside. In normal months this doesn’t happen because only one little follicle grows- that’s what our bodies are made for. In this case, we are asking my body to expand about 14x the size it normally would. When we saw a pic of this at the IVF training, the entire auditorium gasped. I was wondering what that picture would actually feel like in my body. I think I’ma but to find out.

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A Day in the Life of an IVF Recipient

Posted on March 2, 2011 by Regina

Gina and I woke up early this morning, mixed our Menapur cocktail, got dressed, shot me up and headed out the door to the doctor’s office. There was an accident on the Marquim bridge and snow on the west side so we were a half hour late but they are gracious and just fit us right in.

Another vaginal ultrasound and blood work. Dr. H wanted to see if and how my follicles were growing from the stimulant injections. Turns out, the smaller follicles are growing and the large one grew but not too much- that’s a good thing. He said that maybe, even, the disparity in the size of the follicles got smaller. That’s kinda cool.

Caitlin reminds me that we’ll know more as we go and truth is, we just won’t know until the end how many eggs we’ll get and if we’ll have any to freeze or second try or what. For now, as my good friends remind me, we just pray for one beautiful happy little being.

Wanna know what pure goodness looks like? See, Caitlin, pictured here from this morning’s visit. Can’t you just feel her joyful, helpful spirit oozing off her? I speak with her just about every day and she is always just like this. Amazing.

Caitlin; our amazing IVF Coordinator

So, wanna know what a Vaginal Ultrasound Wand looks like? Yep. That’s it.  That big giant THING goes up my front side nether region and when it can’t go anymore, they turn on the ultrasound machine and we can see my uterus and follicles on the big screen. Pretty cool technology, but, lest it’s not obvious, it’s not entirely fun to be on the receiving end of that thing (contrary to what some of you may think).

When we are all done with those vaginal shenanigans, we head on over to get my blood work done. Yet again, another needle. But, it’s made all the better by my favorite phlebotomist, Katie. Last week, to  keep me smiling, she informed me that she is a beauty school drop out. What?! Well, it’s a good thing because she’s steady hand and an incredible joy. If you have to get your blood taken, you want it done by Katie. Here she is.

Katie, our beauty school drop out Phlebotomist

Once all done in the office we went home, back to work and wait for a call. In the mean time, I couldn’t help but notice my headache worsening to the point of feeling nauseaus. I’m on the tenth day of having a headache but it’s only been this bad once before. And never with the nausea.

Caitlin called me around 1:30 and told me that my body was responding “very well” to the stimulants, in fact, they are going to lessen my doses until the next check. My estrogen level was at 26 two days ago, it’s in the 400 range now. I’m not really sure what all those numbers mean but that sounds like a big jump to me. And Caitlin confirmed; when I told her about the headache and nausea she said, “Yeah… that’s really normal.”
Me: “The nausea too?”
Caitlin: “Yep. It’s from your estrogen being so high now. It’s like morning sickness when you are pregnant. We are simulating that. All the hormone injections are making you feel that way. You’re really liking what we’re doin’ to ya, eh?”
Me: “Oy. That’s all right. I’ll take it!”

And I’m gonna have to take it for a while. We still have more than 8 days before the retrieval. After that, our meds change again… prepping my uterus to lovingly and hospitably take the embryos that Dr. H will transfer 5 days later.

For now, I’ll hang out in the crazy mix of it all; deeply grateful, thrilled with the possibility of what all of this will bring us, headache splitting, nausea persisting, belly so tender it hurts to wear pants, tears bounding and faith beyond belief.

Posted in Believing, Drugs and Medications, procedures & the like, What the ? | Leave a comment

First Fight

Posted on February 28, 2011 by Regina

Which is better than a fist fight, if you think about it.

We’ve been warned (a lot) that this process will induce abnormal amounts of tension in a relationship. Boy howdy. I try to imagine what it’s like for Gina sticking me with a needle, having to hurt me, two, three times, sometimes four time a day. I imagine what it’s like for her to have to figure  out quickly how to do it all – without mistake. I do my best to praise and thank her and acknowledge her because the truth is, no matter how much I imagine, I don’t know what it’s like to be in her shoes.

And of course, she has no idea what it is to be in mine; tummy bruised like a pin cushion, just trying to look for even a tiny spot that hasn’t been pricked yet. No control or say over the pricks and sticks or what’s happening to my body. Emotions riding wild from hormones being taken hostage, more weight gain than they tell you about and a headache that’s migraine-style to boot.

Cherry-up that sunday with our shared hope (and desperation?) that this “one shot” really, really work.

No wonder we got in a fight last night. Lots of needs not getting met on both sides. A hard ride for us both right now; sometimes in further places from each other than closer. Yelling at midnight and finally ending in love and hugs and tears. Connected again but still tender, we slept. Woke up to a new morning and right there, another injection. We did a few things differently both of us and trust that we’ll keep finding our way.

I called Caitlin this morning to ask a few questions and schedule my next appointment. I shared with her about our fight (lightly shared, I didn’t dump on her, I promise). She assured me it’s all very normal and part for this course. In the end, she reminded me with a big smile to hang in there and that soon we’ll “really have something good to fight about”. Clearly I’m still a bit gun-shy from the past few years because I couldn’t quite fathom; I said, “You mean a baby?”

“Yep. I mean a baby. You’ll have good reasons to fight then.”

Oh, I am soooo looking forward to those fights instead of these. Come on, baby!

Posted in Believing, Drugs and Medications, Firsts, Learning, Needles, Reframe, What the ? | Leave a comment

First Round of Stimulants

Posted on February 28, 2011 by Regina

We came home from the brunch and got to putting together the first round of stimulants. The morning injection is called Menapur (the evening one is Follistim). The Menapur requires some mixing of 3 different vials. The first time we did it, it was a little tricky… we ended up having to page Dr. H on a Sunday and in the end Regina ended getting two shots instead of one. But, it was all good learning and soon it’ll be smooth and easy. For now, take a peek at the pictures and video below. You can see there are a few things to juggle and get right! Gina has been truly amazing.

We were reviewing the video on "how to" and prepping the meds.

These are the three vials we combine carefully before injecting.

[flickr video=5484298533 secret=e9c0f3c69e w=400 h=225]

Note how there is a block of powder in the vial. It will instantly turn to liquid when we add the Sodium Chloride.

[flickr video=5484322967 secret=fa0f3194b3 w=400 h=225]

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Needles

Posted on February 27, 2011 by Regina

I was getting a needle stuck in my vein this morning and I began to wonder: “How many needles has this body taken in the six months?” If I had a dollar for every one…

 

Acupuncture
Let’s see… there’s acupuncture 2-4 times a month. About 6-20 needles each time- doctor pending. Let’s say an average of 10 needles each time. That’s an average of 30 needles a month, there. I wasn’t doing acupuncture quite as often some of those months, so let’s be conservative and say 30 a month the last four months (120) and about 10 a month for the two months before (20). That’s a total of 140 pricks.

Blood Draws
Then there’s the blood work. So many, I not only know the names of all the flabotymists but some of their family members, too! I used to get blood drawn just about once a month. Then, once every other week, then weekly. Now it comes out every other day. Let’s not forget all the blood draws from when I hoped I was pregnant (or when I WAS a little bit pregnant and hoped I’d stay a lot pregnant). Okay, but we’re sticking with the last 6 months so  let’s get back on track. I also had surgery last month and all kinds of blood work there. They also needed to test me for chicken pox, thyroid, and std’s before we started (protocol). All in all, I’m gonna say that’s about 20 blood draws in the last 6 months. And probably another 8 in the next few weeks.

Surgeries
Okay, let’s see… what else. Well, there were 2 surgeries. My mouth surgery and my polyp surgery. Both required needles. My mouth surgery, I got five BIG giant needles in my mouth. Whew, glad that’s over. My polyp surgery, I got one in my butt. One in my arm and four BIG giant needles in my cervix. Even more glad that was over. So, that’s a total of what, 11.

Last but not least, there are the fertility drugs. Once a day for about seven days then twice a day for about 3 days and then, 3-4 times a day for the next 8-10 days. That’s an average of about 49 shots that Gina is administering.

Let’s do some math, shall we?
140 + 20 + 8 + 11 + 49= 228

That’s TWO HUNDRED and TWENTY EIGHT NEEDLES PRICKS IN MY BODY!!!

Wow. Good thing I’m not too squeamish about needles, eh? Still though, if this isn’t evidence enough that I REALLY want a baby, not sure what is.

So, now that that’s done. Pema’s here and I think there’s a beer and Oscar’s in my near future. 228 needles. I think I deserve it.

Posted in Drugs and Medications, Needles, What the ? | 1 Comment

Egg Update

Posted on February 27, 2011 by Regina

Sunday morning now. Gina and I went in to Dr. H’s office to get my second vaginal ultrasound and second blood draw of the week. We last left off with one rebel follicle growing larger than it’s litter mates. We upped the does of the suppresent drug to see if we could get it to shrink. Today’s check would tell us if that indeed happened.

Dr. H was working this Sunday. As soon as he was in and the machine was on I could see that all was not great. The follicle was still big. He first said, “It maybe even has grown a bit.” Turns out it didn’t grow but it shrunk 1cm, to 10 cm- the cut off mark for going forward. However, the other follicles grew as well. Guess my body is not as compliant as others. Despite the double dose of meds and the rarity of them not shrinking… mine grew.

What does all this mean?
Well, I’m hoping it’s a good sign. Like, that my body really wants to get on with it and just get knocked up already!

In reality, however, it means that there is stronger chance now than before that we will only have just enough embryos to transfer and not any to freeze; leaving our options for a second try (either because the first round didn’t take or because we want a second child). It also means that we may not have as many to choose from or a wide variety of “higher quality” embryos. In essence, we’ll have less eggs, hence, less embryos.

Details
If you are a details person, read this. If not, skip it and spare yourself the nitty gritty.

We need ALL the follicles to grow at the same rate. Right now, I have about 8 follicles on each side (very good!) BUT, about 4 on each side are growing big and 4 are staying small. Meaning, when harvest time comes, we’ll have to harvest the largest 4 on each side. If the eggs get too big, they get overly “ripe” and are no longer “viable”. So, we’ll harvest those larger eggs before they get overly rip, but that means the smaller eggs won’t be ripe enough and we’ll likely just lose them. Of course none of this is for certain. If there is one thing we’ve learned, it’s that things change quite a bit around here in fertility land.

After the ultrasound, Dr. H looked back over my chart and saw that in December I had eggs measuring abnormally large on day 3 (long before we were doing injections, etc.), so perhaps this larger follicle thing is just “my normal”; my new “baseline” if you will. He explained the the next options were either to keep trying to suppress (getting them to shrink more) or to just start the stimulant injections (regular treatment/protocol). He’d get the blood work and call us later to tell us which it would be.

Blood work showed that my estrogen dropped even more. This time to 26 so we know the suppressants are working… it’s just that my eggs are, well, not all conforming the way he wants them to. Me? Surprising, I know.

Next steps
We got a call about 10m (whilst at a birthday brunch, which kinda sucked) with the recommended proceedings. Instead of suppressing more, we are to start up right away with the new meds. We are just going to go for it. This is bittersweet. It’s sweet because we are so ready. My body, our hearts, our calendars (yes, work time off, etc.) but a little bitter knowing we’ll likely forego a second chance at this. His exact words were, “It’s likely that you won’t have embryos to freeze”. Guh.

I’m trying not to be greedy and just be happy with what is so. We only need one really good quality egg. And while are chances of that are in some ways less (statistically speaking), we know- I KNOW- it’s going to all work out in the end. I know there is a baby coming. I can just feel it. And if I’m wrong, we’ll then, I’ll grieve that loss then. I can’t afford to worry about that now. I can only afford to listen to my heart and my gut and that’s it.

Now, onward!

Posted in Believing, Drugs and Medications, Eggs and Embryos, What the ? | Tagged | 1 Comment

The Rebel Follicle

Posted on February 25, 2011 by Regina

Went to my suppression check this morning to ensure that all was quiet and small with my eggs. Dr. H measured the follicles (where the little eggs live) and they were all small, quiet and uniform; the result of having been obedient from the suppression medications (bcp’s and Lupron shots).

Well, uniform and obedient never were my thing. Turns out I have one rebel follice, growing about double the size of all it’s other little ovary mates. Dr. H found about 7 follicles on the right side and similar amount on the left.  Those numbers are good but the one biggin’ can’t be growing beyond the rest. So, what to do?

Up the dose of Lupron: two shots a day instead of one. And wait one day longer before beginning the new stimulation drugs. Starting immediately. Gina was in court today so I had to administer my first shot to myself! I wish I could have a video of me doing that. It was fricking hysterical! I sat there with the needle poised and ready to stab on and off for about 10 minutes. Finally, I just did it and it went in just like butter. Weird, really.

So, we go back in Sunday morning for another suppression check; vaginal ultra sound and blood work. Dr. H will look again to see if that one rebel follicle has shrunk in the face of the extra Lupron (and my visualization). If it has not, we start the cycle all over.

And yet again, right when we think we have a “green light”… it’s suddenly yellow and we’re in wait and see mode. That said, I feel incredibly optimistic. My estridol level came back nice and low today (which explains the excruciating headache) and Caitlin said that it’s more common that the follicle will shrink back up than not.

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