My Favorite Daughter

Posted on April 26, 2012 by Regina

 

If you haven’t seen the above video/sketch yet, it’s definitely worth watching now– not only just for a laugh but if you want to get a glimpse into my/our world… here you go. Note: Listen to each question and answer closely… you’ll be laughing in between and it’s easy to miss some of the best pieces.

*Note- if the video is not showing up in your email, go here.  And if all else fails, cut and paste this URL into your browser: http://youtu.be/tT-lgB_HGEE

Big Questions
So, the inspiration for posting this video is that recently Gina and I were asked some really weird questions again. Not long after, one evening while I was pumping, Gina asked with both confidence and a hint of trepidation, “Do you have a favorite?”

Boom. There is was. The question we so harshly judge others for asking us (and let’s face it, it’s none of a stranger’s business) but the thing so many of us want to know. Apparently the thing even my wife wanted to know.

It so happened, a few nights before, Sonja was over the house making me dinner and lovin me up, we talked about this. Not exactly “the favorite” thing, but some deep lurking fear that I might possibly LIKE one more than the other or god forbid, be more deeply bonded with one than the other. One nurses better than the other, one is easier than the other, etc… all those things add up to a different kind of liking and a different kind of bonding and we’d be processing it a bit.

So, I shared with Gina that conversation Sonja and I had and then I took a long pause, breathed deeply, thought carefully and responded.

“I don’t have a favorite. I can honestly say I don’t. I do however, at different times and different stages, feel more bonded with one than the other. Or maybe it’s more like I’m bonded differently with each baby. And there are things that I like about each daughter a whole lot that doesn’t really make me like her more, per se… but in a particular circumstance might make that baby easier or more fun or just more of what I am desiring or needing at the time.”

Bonding
To the first point, feeling more bonded: the thing in the video is funny, the answer to the “favorite” question is “Yes. The one that’s not screaming.” And in a way, that’s sort of true. When the girls first arrived, we were so survival focused and so sleep deprived that whichever baby was less colicky or less in need and just slept and looked sweet, that baby brought relief to the holder. Conversely, if one needed more attention, it’d be hard not to naturally bond more with her given so much more time and energy was being put into her. The first time I experienced this phenomenon, I cried so hard. Looking back now, I was so new to twins. I just didn’t know that the “easier baby”  and more “in need baby” would actually change back and forth a number of times until finally, now at 5 1/2 months, it’s all just evened out. I know enough now to know that if one feels “easy” today, she’ll be the “difficult” one tomorrow. And the bonding that happens in each stage is simply different– not better or worse. Truth is, both these babies get tremendous (and equal) amounts of love and attention. Likewise,  Gina and I both get our fair share of difficulties and pleasures with both the girls.

Preference
To the second point, “liking certain traits more.” Here’s what I mean; if I’m going out to be in a crowd and want a baby that will be interested in everyone, curious about the world, light up the room with her smile, laughter and charming personality, Callie is my girl. If I want snuggle time, deep 1:1 eye contact with a gentle spirit, a spiritual experience even, Genevieve is my girl. Now, this in no way pins either of them to staying this way in the future. Gina and I, again, know enough to know that those things could flip on a dime. And, it also doesn’t preclude each of them from having some of the others’ dominant traits. Meaning, Genevieve can surely smile and flirt and light up a room. It’s just not her main gig. Callie is so sweet when she snuggles, she just tends to like to snuggle her “Monkey” more than us at bedtime. 🙂

Anyway, you get the gist. True to form, I think it’s so important to tell the truth about the “who is your favorite” conversation because let’s face it, we are human and in that we have preferences, likings, only so much patience, etc. OF COURSE there will be times it will be easier to be with one baby than the other. Over the last six months I’ve come to realize that’s okay, it’s natural. But love one more than the other? Or even have a favorite? Nope. Never. Just can’t imagine. It’s equal, it’s just so different with each.

Heck, when they are old enough, they’ll have a mom they prefer on any given day, too, right?  So, I suppose better to be out with it now and just give room for all four of us to be who we are and love each other exactly as we are and exactly as we are not. At the end of the day, that’s the most important thing I want for our family– to love each other in a way that has our daughters feel unconditionally seen, gotten and loved. A space so safe they can be anyone and anyway they want or need to be. After that, their lives are up to them. Just remind me of that when they want nose piercings and tattoos, k?

 

 

Happy, Curious Calliope (we especially love the ears)

 

Happy, Gentle Genevieve

Posted in Believing, Learning, Love 'n Stuff, Reframe, What the ? | 2 Comments

Somewhere after the Five Month mark…

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Regina

Five Months Old

Sheesh… are the girls really five months old already? In fact, they are more than a week in. Am I going to start every post like this? In shock that they are yet another month older? Maybe. Probably.

This has been a tremendous month in terms of growth and learning for us all. The girls continue to develop gross motor skills, sleep amazingly well and are now developing more and more social skills. They are totally alert, bright and engaging. We love them so much we hardly know what to do with ourselves. We gush to each other about how gorgeous and wonderful they are about every 2-3 minutes when we are in the house. In public we try to rein it in a bit, though I’m not sure how successful we are.

This month’s blog took me a while to get out mostly because I’m just so damn busy but also because, sadly, we took an unexpected trip to Seattle for a friend’s Celebration of Life Memorial—our friend, Lisa Mills, died in a motorcycle accident. After our shock and grief, we chose to make her memorial the girls first trip out of town. Overall, despite the very sad circumstances, the trip went very well.

Gina and I
We continue to have some struggles but overall we amaze me. We are still laughing, still forgiving and still working the “team” thing pretty damn well. Occasionally (okay, maybe more than occasionally), I become totally frustrated because Gina doesn’t “see” the dirty diaper(s) she’s left on the changing table, the lid she’s left off the clove oil, the clothes she left on the floor, and at the worst moment can’t find the 7th binky she managed to lose that day. Ah well… I’m not so easy to live with either it turns out: more irritable than may be called for, more critical than is necessary and I could probably use a big fat joint to just relax… but since pot isn’t my thing, I’m hope to get a long massage sometime soon (and knock back a glass of wine before hand, if timing works out). Until then, I’m managing to take a bath in the evenings here and there and read my first novel (The Hunger Games) in about 8 months.

My Body
This past month I’ve had unexpected hormonal stuff. JUST when the girls started sleeping so well I got insomnia. Like, no joke. I had about 2 weeks of getting some sleep respite (if sleeping 2 hours at a time for a total of 6 hours is a respite) when the insomnia kicked in. What the FUCK?! Seriously? I looked at all reasons psychological… all the stress of less money than in over a decade, planning to move out of the house in the summer (downsizing in order to afford a 1-income household), new babies, etc… and for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. Then I started getting some ovulation-type discharge. Hmm. Next thing I knew I was super teary and irritable and at night I would sweat so profusely that when I did sleep (30 minutes at a time) I’d wake up with my clothes, hair and sheets so wet that everything needed to be changed. Besides being totally annoying, I was again, exhausted beyond belief.

I called my ND and she suggested melatonin for the sleep issues (along with the cortisol pills I was taking), and black cohosh for the night sweats. The first night I slept so damn good I could have kissed her on the lips. However, I sweat worse than ever. BUT, the second night, the sweats stopped. Just like that I woke up dry as a bone. The weepiness, irritability, etc. ended, too. I felt softer. The monster than had hijacked my body was finally gone. I could exhale easily.

Two days later I started my period. WHAT? I was just at my OB annual appointment when she told me that I wouldn’t get my period for about a year so long as I was nursing.

In hindsight, it all makes sense with the above symptoms, I just didn’t expect it to come to soon. I told my ND and she said not to worry, it’s all normal and that it would not impact my milk production in the least. Phew. Still, I couldn’t help but to feel a bit sad, like some part of my pregnancy experience just ended. The door closed. The little bubble my body was in is now over. It surprised me how emotional I felt about it. So, guess I’m a nursing mama that can get knocked up again if I wanted to…

In other news, I am thrilled to share that for some unknown reason, my milk is back a bit in my left boobie. I consistently get 1-2 oz each pumping (which seems small to the 5-8 oz) on my right boobie but when added up, it’s 4oz a day and 20oz a week. Not chump change, eh? In total, this gives me 8-11oz per pumping (which I do 2x a day) instead of 5-8. This is FANTASTIC!

Fini
Speaking of… after a bit of conversation “just to be sure”, we are clear we are not having any more children.

I have found that many twin mamas, including myself, want to be pregnant again after twins just so they can have the experience of a singleton pregnancy… even if the fantasy of it is better than the reality. And even if we don’t want the kid in the end… it’s the pregnancy that we all fantasize about given how difficult and extra challenging a twin pregnancy can be. So, once I saw that (i.e. I long to be pregnant again for the experience of it, I don’t necessarily long for another child), I just let go. The Oregon Reproductive Medicine has been on us regarding what to do with our left over vials of sperm. I’ve been stalling. I’ll be calling them on Monday and letting them know they can go ahead and “destroy” the vials. Now, the frozen embryos we have? That is a different story. I’m not quite ready to let those go. Soon, but I need to be in the right space.

Come ON, get to the GIRLS!!!

Okay… here’s the deal. They are so FUN and FABUOUS!

Genevieve is working on sitting up now. She sort of sits up and hunches over with her hands between her legs. She’s still mostly floppy right now but in a matter of weeks she’ll be an old pro, I’m sure. Calliope is not far behind.

Calliope is a pro at rolling over BOTH ways now. Front to back and back to front. She doesn’t look like she’s anywhere close to doing it and then all the sudden, pop!, over she goes. Genevieve rolls on her belly all the time and prefers sleeping on her side or her belly now. She looks so sweet and cozy that way. Calliope sleeps in all ways, belly, back, whatever mood strikes her.

The rolling over and enjoying being on their bellies more and more now seemed to really take a leap after the most recent cranial sacral adjustment. When they are awake and on their tummies, they look like they are swimming– as they are practicing crawling. The cranial sacral guru who was here last week said they both look like they’ll be early crawlers (like I was). So… we’ll enjoy this “non-mobile” time while we have it! Looks like in just a matter of 6-8 weeks or so they could be, at the very least, scooting along somehow.

Their motor skills are getting more and more succinct now, too. I sat and watched Genevieve stare at her thumb as she aimed and pulled it toward the big whole on her face the other day. The look of concentration was more than I could stand. I almost reached for the video camera but didn’t want to miss the moment. They can now put their paci’s in and out on their own too, and last week Genevieve held her own bottle for a meal.

Calliope still tends to be more verbal and Genevieve more physical. Though that said, G just found a whole new level of her voice last week and has been using it ever since! The look on her face when she belted out a sound 3 decibels above her usual made Gina and I spontaneously burst into fits of laughter. Then of course, she kept on!  Still though, G is mainly a kinesthetic girl,  she loves to feel a hand, face or just skin near her to get sleepy and she’s a major cuddler when she’s awake. Calliope expresses herself all day long with her voice and body so that when it’s time to sleep you just lay her down with her “monkey” and she’s out. Genevieve needs to “wind down” a bit more.

They both love standing now, too. Their muscles are getting stronger every day– it’s miraculous to witness. They really like holding our hands and pulling themselves up from play time or a diaper change and standing up with just a light grip on our fingers for balance. They get big gummy grins on their faces, really loving the new view apparently!

Speaking of gums, they have teething toys they love chewing on, green rubbery-like rings that their Nana gave them, Sophie the Giraffe from friend Kerry, and of course hands and fingers. They also have some favorite toys they play with now, too. Still drooling and no clear chompers yet but the gums are no longer slippery where the teeth will be, they are just slightly rough, threatening to break though any day now.

They are still sleeping like champs, too! Callie will go down around 6pm and sleep until 8 or 8:30am, waking for two feedings in there and G goes down around 6:30 or 7 and wakes up (usually) at 7am on the nose with also two feedings. That said, just this last week they have been stretching that first feed to later and later so that there is only one nighttime feed (2am) and then an early morning feed. We still bring them back to our bed most often in the early morning hours (6am). Getting to wake up with them and snuggle for a bit is one of my favorite parts of the day.

Naps are still easy and plentiful too. Now that they are older, they can skip a 90 minute cycle here and there and go 3 hours awake. They can’t do it more than once a day but we take great advantage on the weekends, though by Monday, we have to make sure we really get them back on track. I suppose the hardest thing about naps right now is that the girls have an uncanny ability to sleep exactly opposite each other right now. One will wake within 5 minutes of another falling asleep. Occasionally there’s a bit of sleep overlap, like 20 minutes or so, I use that time to cram food in my face, pee and that’s about it. In essence, this means no downtime for me at all. In the next few months as they get older, I’ll sync them back up again, but right now in their development it’s best for them to sleep in their own rhythms as they each need.

Family Time
Two weekends ago (which was Easter weekend) it was sunny and warmish for the first time all year and we had so much fun as a family. I kept saying over and over all weekend… I love our family! I just LOVE our family!

We strapped the girls on us in our baby carriers and took them to the Saturday Market on the water front. We listened to music, ate delicious gyros, watched street performers where the girls saw many of their first instruments (sax & drums namely), got lots of “Oh my gosh how cute, twins!” attention and the girls even took a nap in the quiet area with a nice breeze.

The next day we cleaned house but around 1pm we realized the day was even warmer than the day before so we took blankets and an umbrella out on the front lawn and stripped the girls naked. They laid out there in the warm shade for hours. We nursed, visited with neighbors, laughed and played. The girls absolutely loved it and so did we. This was the first time they had felt warm air and sun on their whole bodies. It was crazy obvious how good it felt for them physically and emotionally. That night, Calliope slept from 6pm-9:30am. We got her up for two feeds but she slept through them. Genevieve wasn’t shabby either with her 7pm-8:30am sleep.

This past weekend we took the girls to the Kennedy School for their first time in a soaking pool. The last time they were there I was in labor. They LOVED it!  They are absolute naturals in the water, which makes this Mama very, very happy. The pictures below say it all.

In Sum
All in all… we are really, really good. The girls are sleeping well, they are developing miraculously and playing with them is a total blast. Their personalities are so great- Gina and I say often that we really like who they are.

G and I are finding a rhythm together as well. Camille continues to be a godsend (she met us in Seattle and babysat for us while we went to the memorial—all gratis) and I find that having her just each morning helps me get food, a shower, milk pumped, dishes done and my day off to a great (and sane) start.

My fortieth birthday is next month, hard to believe. I actually think we may be ready to go out on a date solo! The girls have plenty of people in their lives that they love and trust as do we… who knows, perhaps we’ll get a  nice meal out and maybe even a movie!

Until then,

Love, gratitude and all the goodness that babies bring.

xo

 

The girls first trip to Ikea... getting a second crib!

I love this photo just for the funny facial expressions....I can only imagine what Genevieve (right) is saying to Calliope.

 

I love this photo because it's the view that I always dreamed of and now have...

Genevieve (left) as always, with some part of her touching her sister.

Genevieve getting some giggles out just before nap time.

Regina and Callie in baby Bjorn at the Saturday Market

Gina and Genevieve in baby Bjorn at the Saturday Market

Regina and Girls at the Saturday Market

Genevieve smiling in the sun!

 

Calliope's little faux hawk... this is on our trip to Seattle... she was very tired here.

The girls first Hotel stay... again, G outreached to C. 🙂

Calliope in her red sunhat

Gina with Callie (now in green hat) and Amy with Genevieve in red hat

Calliope flying in her green hat!

Genevieve flying in her red hat!

Giggling Calliope.

Gina heading on a walk with Calliope

Regina in the Kennedy Soaking Pool with the girls (C on left, G on right)

The girls LOVED the pool. This is one of my all time fav pics of Genevieve!

This photo is taken in the very same place we took a pic of me on the day I went into labor... it's a full circle at it's finest.

Posted in Believing, Firsts, Friends, Hormones | Leave a comment

Month Four, 2 weeks in

Posted on March 19, 2012 by Regina

Life has gotten SO MUCH BETTER over here. I’m not holding my breath though because one thing mamahood has taught me is that everything changes on a dime with kids. But maybe, just maybe, the last post was the “rock bottom” and we are truly moving upwards from here.

In the first two weeks of this month, we got a car, the girls rolled over, and most importantly to our family’s well being… SLEEP got much, MUCH better!

Week One
We got a car! Hurray! It’s a Mazda 5 and it’s perfect. It’s opened up a whole new world for us (we couldn’t fit the stroller in the other car and the brakes were bad so I/we didn’t go out much at all). Besides fitting our family needs, the car is super fun to drive. I love it!

The first weekend we got it, we took the girls for a long walk along the Portland Esplanade. It was a gorgeous sunny day and they loved it! Unfortunately, they didn’t sleep at all and we paid dearly for it the next couple of days, but we think it might actually have been worth it to get out of the house and on a walk as a family.

This was really great because right around the time we got the car, sleep got to an all time low. A critical mass. I mean, wow. End of my rope–shouldn’t be driving–adrenal system all jacked up–bumping myself and my babies into walls in the light of day– marital discord–regular nausea and tears from exhaustion “end of my rope”. Yeah, like that.

So, something had to give. Gina and I went for a walk with the girls and discussed some of the methods we’ve learned about sleep and other ideas that we think might work. In the end, I was adamant. As much as I LOVE sleeping with my babies, I couldn’t have four people sleeping in my bed anymore. I was the only one not getting sleep. Gina, god love her, can sleep through a baby screaming her head off right next to her. And has.

So, we began to put them in their crib at night instead of ours then move them back with us upon their first waking. It wasn’t long before they started sleeping longer stretches in their own crib. Suddenly we realized that they were too big to share a crib so we moved the co-sleeper from our room to theirs. Now they each have their own crib and sleep even better yet, staying in their own room and beds until dawn, when we move them back to our room and we all sleep another solid hour.

The first night they didn’t sleep with us, we teared up. It was so hard to not have their little tiny faces, breaths, and sweetness right next to us. We missed them. Plus, we were both scared to death they would die of SIDS. Crazy, I know, but still, we were nervous mamas just like most mamas. We stared at the monitor all night the first night and defeated the purpose of getting much sleep. The second night we fed them on alternate schedules sort of accidentally and so again, not much sleep. So, for the first couple of nights, the girls slept well but we didn’t! However, the few hours of sleep I did get was SOUND. I wasn’t waking with every little peep the girls made. I could feel the difference immediately! I was so happy and hopeful! Knowing THEY could sleep more and were fine allowed us to settle in to our new digs as well. Other than the changing table still in our room, we pretty much have it back to normal.

Since then, we’ve had about two weeks of them sleeping in their own room and beds at night and a good five days of them sleeping all through the night with only two wakings for feedings around 11pm and 4pm. My sleeping book for twins says that deserves bragging rights. If we go to bed at 9pm, we actually get a decent amount of sleep. This has made an ENORMOUS difference in my health. Sleep is still fragmented and I still don’t get more than 2-3 hour stretches at a time but it’s so much better than 20 minute chunks like before. SO MUCH BETTER!  I feel like a new woman. I’m better mom: safer, happier, more engaged. Just amazing what sleep (or the lack thereof) will do.

Week Two
As promised, right around 4 months, the girls’ sleep patterns began to change. Their sleep is now becoming more “organized” and regular. Most interesting to me is that they have been telling us that they want something different than to be rocked to sleep. They actually started refusing being rocked… kicking, arching, crying. Then, one day, I was like, “What the hell is going on? Why all the sudden so hard to rock to sleep?” I thought maybe it looked like they just didn’t want to be touched anymore. Sensory overload maybe? I felt like they just wanted to be laid down. So, I put them down in their cribs and they fell asleep almost immediately. It’s been that way ever since. Crazy. Lesson here: so long as I keep listening to what THEY say they need and want, I think we’ll be just fine.

So now I have a little routine with their paci’s and loveys (soft/silky little blankets and a little doll) and a new swaddling technique where they have one arm in and one arm out (to suck on their hands for teething and comfort– each of them are finding their thumbs). I put them in bed tired but awake, I rub their heads and kiss their eyelids, foreheads and cheeks. I make the “shhh” sound in their ears, sign for them “bedtime” and “sleep now,” tell them I love them and then I walk out of the room. Within minutes they are asleep. Sometimes we need to keep going back in every few minutes to help them but soon, they are deep in slumber. It’s amazing! They are learning to fall asleep on their own! It’s like a whole new world around here.

Instead of spending 30min-2 hours putting them down, I can spend anywhere from 2 minutes to 10 minutes, popping back in the room just a few times if they wake a bit.  We have time to eat dinner and do chores from the day before heading off to bed. It’s not such a mad, desperate dash to get to bed. We also know that when we do get to bed, we’ll be getting a bit of actual sleep.

In essence, between getting more sleep, naptimes/bedtimes being so much easier for the girls and for us (particularly me when I’m solo), and having Camille’s help, it’s actually FUN around here! Like, most of the time, really fun! Smiles, laughs, utter joy and amazement kind of fun. Whoo hoo!

Gina and I
After so much sleep deprivation, a toll was taken. Not to mention 2 new people in our home making our family system change up quite a bit. The stress was still getting to us and we got into it again. This time I didn’t have it in me to do more talking, reasoning, or requesting. I just went silent. Not too usual for me which was telling in and of itself. Later that day, I got this text from Gina. You can see by my first reply, I was still upset. Second reply you can see that I was glad to get that from her but a bit guarded still.

Gina: White text
Regina: Blue text

As the day went on, I realized how much I really did appreciate what she’d been thinking about and how grateful I am for how hard she works. She’d been sitting in a locked room in a psych unit all day just to give me the gift of being home with the girls. So, I replied:

To which we both replied…

In the end, it all worked out. Gotta love modern technology. Handle the morning’s breakdown before she’s even home from work. In all seriousness, I’m really, really proud of us. I think I mentioned before that the stats of people that divorce within 2 years of having children is high… even higher for those with multiples. We were both just saying last night how grateful we are that we’ve done 12 years of good, hard work together before these girls joined us and that for us, divorce never crosses our minds anymore. Maybe we are just too busy clinging to each other in the storm. Or maybe, we just rock.

Another Dream Fulfilled
Friday night, Gina came home from a long day of work. She left at 6am and got home about 5. Fortunately or unfortunately, this is not uncommon. I had been with the girls all day, that’s 11 hours. Solo. And did I mention, teething? In the past, I would have been so wiped out and tired that I could hardly stand. I’d be bitchy, teary, hungry and in desperate need of a break the minute she walked in the door. Then, I’d still have another 3-4 hours of work/parenting ahead of me, albeit not solo: put them to sleep, eat and pump, then ready myself for bed before I’d rush off hoping to sleep 30 minutes before they woke for their first feeding. It was madness.

Because sleep is so much better now, instead of feeling all that yuckiness, while I was certainly tired and ready for a break, I was in totally good spirits. I was happy to hang in the front room with the girls and Gina while they greeted each other from the day. In fact, there was no where else I’d rather have been. I was able to just soak in the beauty of all of us being together, Gina making the girls giggle and having fun. Check out these two videos of them and you’ll see why.

Gina and Girls After Work 1

Gina and Girls after Work 2

After they were done greeting each other, the most magical evening continued to unfold. It was really quite simple and maybe even rote for many parents with older kids, but for me, it was heaven.

Gina and I readied Genevieve and Calliope for bed; feedings, diaper changes, teething meds, lights dim, sound machines on, etc. And because it wasn’t going to take an hour to rock them to sleep, we read to them (something we do once they are up from naps but have been wanting to incorporate to our nighttime routine for a while now). So, once the girls were all comfy-cozy, I sat in the glider in the nursery with one girl on each side of my lap, cuddled in each arm. Gina sat in front of us so she could see them and soak them up while she read four bedtime stories. The girls were totally engrossed. Watching her face, the pictures in the books and her ASL signs when she did them. They would nuzzle into me occasionally (HEAVEN) and hold hands with each other absent-mindedly (more Heaven). Then, eyes got droopy and little whimpers started to come so we picked them up, swaddled them tight, placed them in their cribs and whispered “goodnight”. We left the room and that was that. They were out. I could weep with joy! Cry from the rooftops!!!!

I headed out to pick up milk and a few other supplies, along with dinner. I came home to Gina having had some time to herself (imagine that). We ate, then I pumped while she cleaned the kitchen and we headed off to bed. We got a solid 2.5 hours before their first feed and in the morning the girls slept-in ‘til 8am! Gina and I got over 7 hours sleep for the 4th night in a row. I do believe we might be entering a new era! Fingers crossed and breath still a tiny bit held because we know how things can change quickly around here. Still, magic. All of it. Pure magic. What I dreamed of for so, so long, is right here, right now—in my home, in my lap, in my heart. Last night was it. It’s what I’ve wanted for years—our family, all together, reading books, and simply enjoying each other. Peace in our home and love filling our hearts.

Reality Check
It’s still hard. Two babies keep me running, lest I paint too rosy of a picture. And getting to where I could just set them in their cribs to sleep hasn’t come easy. We had one heartbreaking night where more tears than we like were shed by all. It’s still not perfect, but it’s getting easier all the time. Daytimes are like marathons from morning to night around here. My back aches and I’m still not getting enough food. I can’t get out to moms groups or kids music stuff or even just visiting with friends given their nap times are not yet formed and synced. But all that will keep getting better, too, I’m sure.

In the meantime, even though it’s like a marathon, I like it. It reminds me of when I was a waitress and having to juggle 100 things at once. Those who know me, know that I love waitressing. It’s fun. This is, of course, even better. Some people say that with kids “the days are long but the years go by fast.” Funny, it used to feel that way. Now it feels like each day flys by and because the girls are changing so rapidly Gina and I both find our selves wanting it to slow down. More time to savor… wait, don’t grow up so fast!

It Takes a Village
At my wits end, I called my friend Jen Cohen  couple of weeks ago. I got to talk through my sleep deprivation stuff and she reminded me of that old village concept. That is, I find myself  grieving that we don’t live in village in the way that we are biologically designed for. Instead, I (and, I believe, most mamas in this western culture) try to single-handedly BE and meet the needs of our babies that once took an entire village. For example, long ago, there would be other kids around, laughter, play, so much stimulation that my girls would just konk out when they needed and there would always be hands to help. “Sleep training” would not be necessary because we could just meet the needs of our babies all night long for years as they needed.

The harsh truth is, we don’t live in those times anymore and I must do what is necessary to care for my health in order to best care for my babies. If it means gently teaching the girls to sleep in their own room and self soothe earlier than they want or I wanted, I do believe it’s what’s best so that I can really meet all their other needs in the ways that are important during the day. In that, there is grief for me. Not just for not being able to meet some standard or ideal that I hoped I would, but for the cold, harsh reality of our current culture and how “independent” we have become. It’s sad and in some ways, for me, sickening.

Still, Gina and I do our best to create our own village around here. Even though it’s nothing like 100 people all living on a small piece of land, we are exceptionally blessed with friends that gift us with their time, help from Camille, food that is healthy and easy to eat, and most importantly, an ear and shoulder to cry on or share in our simple joys. We are very, VERY lucky, as are our girls.

So, for now… that’s the skinny. I HOPE HOPE HOPE my next post is all about how fantastic this new sleeping trend is going here at home and that the love and fun has grown in spades. Until then…

Enjoy these few recent pics.

Love, love,
regina

Genevieve on the left, Callie on the right.

 

Calliope with her Amber Teething necklace on.

 

 

Posted in Believing, Community, Friends, Learning, Love and Gratitude | 1 Comment

Month Four– The Season of Change

Posted on March 11, 2012 by Regina

Month Four
I do believe we moved from crisis mode to finding our own sweet little rhythm … and then back to crisis mode. Even though it’s still a ton of work I don’t think it’s anything like those first three months, though. There are more joys now but the cumulative sleep deprivation for us grown-ups is worse. They say that by the end of 6 months we’ll feel like “we made it.” I’m really hanging in there til month six. Until then, we focus on keeping a daily rhythm for the girls. If we fall out of that and they miss thier naps we pay the price big time, sometimes for a few days even. Suffice to say, our social life is limited and I suppose in the big picture we don’t mind. It won’t be forever. Just how it is now. Still, it’s sometimes hard to explain to people why we can’t make it out or have them over. It’s just not “double” the work with two, it’s exponetially different.

As promised, there really were a remarkable amount of milestones and growth for the girls this past month. They went from barely looking at something and thinking about touching it, to trying to touch it, to accidentally touching it 1 out of every 10 tries to full-on reaching out with intention and grabbing something. They went from having wobbly heads when being held upright to holding their heads strong and steady. They went from laying on their tummies struggling to *just* about able to roll over. They went from making sound only when they eat to making some sounds intentionally to making full-on conversations with us and each other! G has a very deep voice and belt is out rhythemically. Callie has a higher pitch, sing-songy voice and is melodic when she talks. It’s been amazing to witness the changes literally every single day.

Here is an audio clip of Callie and video of Genevieve both toward the end of the month…just a week and two ago.

Callie talking. 3mo 3 wks

Genevieve talking

They reach out and touch each other, hold hands, and are aware of (and like) each other a lot. It’s very sweet. They reach out and touch our faces, smile and laugh when we smile or laugh back. We sing, dance, read books and play and they love it all. Mostly we work on allowing them the physical development they need right now and then we throw in doses of mental stimulation with books, music and ASL all in hopes they’ll grow nice beautiful brains, able bodies and let’s face it– sleep well. 🙂

Here’s a snapshot of month four; I wrote an update each week.

Week One
Started off a bit rough. Sleep training was underway and I was stuck in that cute little nursery most of the day and in our bedroom at night. I got out for walks a couple times a week but mostly that was it (the weather has been really cold and rainy). Then Calliope started her teething and we had one night so rough I called a neighbor to come over and help until Gina got home. Our first run with infant Tylenol and three hours later, we cracked open a bottle of wine and ate sliced pizza from up the street.

Then came relief. Our friend Sarah flew in from SF, rented a car and saved the day. She cooked wholesome foods easy to eat. She held and rocked babies to sleep and she did an overnight shift so that I could catch a solid and sweet 9.5 hours of sleep. It was incredible. I took off a few times on my own—just for the purpose of taking a break. It was so strange to be away doing, well, anything… it all seemed so meaningless compared to my job at home with my girls. And I missed them terribly. BUT, the breaks were restorative and made me refreshed and a much better mommy.

The girls really notice each other now. They are happy to be near each other and they show it. If both are upset but one is clearly very upset, they still do the thing where the one will sit back and let the one who has a higher need get taken care of.

They are practicing grasping and reaching and head control. They have a wooden toy that sits above them when they are on their backs and they love staring up at it and swinging their arms at it. It’s astonishing to see their aim getting better every single day. The gross motor skills development is happening rapidly now. They also get “tummy time” every day since they sleep on their backs. They are lifting their heads now, still slightly wobbly, but stronger every day. It’s hard for me to let them struggle their on their tummies but I know it’s good for them and they don’t look upset, they just look like they are working hard at lifting their heads. They are also moving in ways that look like precursors to rolling over.

Sleeping is still a practice we take seriously every day and night. The night stretches are getting longer and we are so happy about that.

Week Two
This week was so mixed. The girls had a super rough week. My left boob just produced less and less milk, down to just a few drops over a 20 minute pump cycle. My right breast can fill 5-8oz though. Still, then I’m empty and can’t fill back up enough to feed them both (8-10 oz total) 2-3 hours later. In effect, I got so behind I was not able to catch up. Finally the pressure got to us and by mid week Gina and I got into a big fight. After 2 hours of sleep (literally), the next day I had next to no milk. So, through tears and exhaustion, I made my way to New Seasons and bought ingredients for the whole food goats milk supplement my ND pediatrician gave to us. We gave it to them that night. They both loved it. Genevieve did great on it but Callie reacted and we were all up from 3-5am helping a painful screaming Callie work out a belly ache. After things settled down, Gina and I made our way through our breakdown which we realized was really about each of us getting our needs met- or rather the lack thereof. Things have changed so much since the girls came. Neither of us gets to tend to the other like we used to.

The next day my sister and niece arrived and we had more help. Meals cooked, clean kitchen. Four hands in the house for babies and magically, out of the blue, G slept a stunning 13 hours, straight through the night. She woke up happier than I’d ever seen her. It felt like a miracle! And Callie slept all but for one feeding. Twas amazing!

Week Three
As for the goats milk not sitting well with Callie, I reduced the amount and still it upset her tummy. 🙁 Then woke up in middle of night with the answer. It wasn’t the goat’s milk, it was the nutritional yeast. Not sure how I knew that but the next morning I made her some without it and bam-o. Magic. That was it. Called midwife and checked it out. She said no worries, take it out of the formula as it is there to provide Vitamin B which they already get through me anyway.

Left boobie is still producing less and less and less. Very sad but another insight came to me in the middle of the night. I remembered I pierced that nipple ages ago. Nerve damage and scar tissue have had their way for 20 years and my brain, over the past 3 months, has told my boobie, “don’t do that here”. In essence, it’s shutting down. I talked with my midwife about it and another nurse practictioner midwife who worked in SF and said she’s seen it before. So, sad that I had to do goats milk 3.5 months in, wanted to at least get to 6 months before supplementing (despite the fact that my doc says she rarely sees moms of twins that don’t have to supplement). I could feel myself wanting to ration their milk (only give just enough in their bottles) and that wasn’t right, clearly. Now that I know the issue with my left breast, instead of feeling sad or having failed, I feel like a rock star for feeding 2 babies on one boob for so long. So now we supplement. Their primary food is still from me, but the goats milk assures me they really are getting all they need. Especially in a growth spurt like this.

Diana and Lindsay here have been heaven. I eat hot meals every night and my kitchen is perpetually clean, the pumping stuff always boiled and sterilized and the girls LOVE them. Again, they know they are family. I think they must sense it through smell.

This week the girls have made huge strides. They are reaching for things, grabbing them and really trying to lift themselves up and roll themselves over. It’s amazing. They are also noticing me when I walk in the room and track me when I am in the room (if they are in someone elses arms) and occassionally now, they just want me which I totally LOVE.

Week 4
We started off the week with a rough night, I got puked on all over my naked body and down into my yoni at 5am. Girls are waking at 3:30-4am every morning and don’t go back to sleep… it’s wearing on me. My placenta pills are gone and perhaps I’m a bit hormonal. I feel sad and shitty. I feel like we are in such a hard spot in our lives (money, house, financially, car, etc.).

I’ve been so tired, I’ve bumped into walls with the babies. Not sure I am even safe to be driving. My adrenal and cortisol are pretty messed up now my doc says. I believe her because even at 3am when I used to fall right back to sleep, now I can’t even sleep… it’s my body’s reaction to being so sleep deprived… not unlike what happens to the babies. It’s pretty intense.

One night, just to see in the light of day what a typically night looks like, I tracked it, waking by waking on my iPhone. Here is what a typical snapshot of a night looks like for us:

Sleep 3/6
8:50pm for Regina  9:45 for Gina
(babies went to sleep at 6/6:30)

9:50 Callie wakes  hungry. Feed her them dream feed Genevieve.  3oz each
Back to bed at 11 (asleep after 11:20)

12:20am – Gen upset. Change diaper and feed gen another 1.5oz Back to bed 12:55. I’m hungry but so exhausted I don’t eat. Just want to sleep.

1:45 Callie up. Crying.
Both babies back to bed with us
1:55 back to sleep

3:50 gen wakes. I nurse her. Gina makes bottle for Callie. Change both diapers. Gina makes me food. Im so hungry stomach is hurting. I eat like a vengeance. steak kabobs and green beans.

4:40 back to bed. Leave g unswaddeled and put in cosleeper.

5:01 g stirring. Wrap back up. Sooth back to sleep. Put back in our bed.  Turn sound waves on.
Lights out 5:15 sleep by 5:30

5:39 Callie wakes. Leave her. Let her settle gain. Prob go back to sleep by 5:50

6:10 Callie starts stirring- leave her

6:17 Gina puts her on her chest so g doesn’t fully wake.

6:26 too late. G keeps grunting and stirring. I get up to pee — been putting it off for hours. Boobs too full to put G on me for sleeping. Try to sleep a little anyway between her waking.

6:33 Callie starts stirring. G seems to be sleeping. My throat is scratchy from the cold Gina brought home.

6:50 both babies making lots of noise now. Unswaddle G and Watch her roll over. Despite how tires we are we marvel at this new feat.

6:53 nurse g on left side as its been really sore (clogged duct?) all night. Gina and Callie sleeping together.

Gina and Callie sleeping together the morning I tracked our sleep. This is how we catch an extra 45minutes of sleep in the morning....

So, while our sleeping certainly needs to change, until we figure out a new plan to get a little more sanity, I hired new childcare support. I went on SitterCity.com and put out an ad, interviewed (don’t ask me how I got the time) and boom, I went with my gut and hired someone we love. Her name is Camille and she’s been doing childcare for years and she herself is a twin (I found out after I hired her, ironically). She’s baby savvy, with-it, on-time, professional, competent and even teaches me a few things. I love it. Her help has made a HUGE difference in how my days and weeks go now that I’m so tired and worn out. I only wish we could afford to have her here more… that said, I’m practicing gratitude for what we have.

All the twin parents tell us there is a major shift at 6 months and we are not quite at 4 months in (though I met a twin Mom in Target the other day who apologetically told me it’s actually more like 18 months-2yrs before it really gets easier with two). When I think about races I’ve swam, rowed or run, this is the hardest part; two-thirds in. The end is not quiet in sight, your in the throws, you’ve been at it a long time, the exhaustion has now worn itself thin and there’s still a ways to go. So, I’m putting on my athletic frame of mind and going to power through. But let me tell you—this is NOT easy. It’s so hard. No wonder all the twin parents we meet seem traumatized. Seriously. And whatever areas Gina and I have struggled in the past, it’s amplified now given there’s more opportunity to do all the quirky things we do and there’s less sleep (read: patience) to deal with it.

My body got to about 15lbs from where I started and has stayed there a while. I don’t really care right now, I look and feel fine in terms of weight. That said, my body feels like a wreck. My neck, my back and now my rotator cuff are all in pain all the time. I keep thinking that is going to work itself out but as the girls get heavier and heavier, it’s not really getting better.

Gina and I
Weekends are so great. It’s Gina, the girls and I all together and all the sudden it’s really fun being with the girls and caring for them. Monday comes and I get a bit wiggy… nervous for long stretches—even with help, it’s still ME that’s on 24/7 with very little sleep. At this point, given the teething, I’m getting about 4 hours a night of fragmented sleep.

I’ve come to realize that my frustration or upset with being “on” 24/7 is moot. The truth is, the girls depend on me in a way they don’t depend on Gina (that they can relate to anyway) and Gina depends on me, too. And I depend on Gina. As my midwife told me,
“It’s not fair, it will never be fair. The brunt of this falls on you. Period.”

We all have these needs that need meeting and now the girls are first and Gina and I are dropped… Gina coming in dead last because I HAVE to eat and sleep (though I do both less than Gina) to take care of the girls. For example, I’ve been with them for hours and I really need to pee, eat and pump. Gina gets home and I need her to take the girls asap so I can get to one or two of those things. She jumps in but if it’s a hectic evening she’ll go until 8 or 9pm without eating since lunchtime that day– and likely a tiny, quick lunch at that. Yet, I’d likely gone way too long without eating and if I don’t, I lose my milk. It all feels very urgent and yet never quite head above water. Once Gina and I had this “our needs no longer are being met” insight, things seemed to get a bit easier. I think just empathizing with each other and then making little extra efforts where we can made a difference.

The Girls
Wow… they are so fun! They are reaching, grabbing, stretching, practicing to roll over and interact with each other and us all the time now. Their whole world seemed to open up in the last couple of weeks and it’s just amazing to witness. They hold hands all the time and they are constantly tracking each other. Especially Genevieve to Callie. G always wants to know where C is and when they are near each other, G doesn’t take her eyes off C. She smiles at her and adores her. Calliope reciprocates this adoration on occassion. She loves her sister something fierce (doesn’t like when she’s not around– at all) but when she is there, Callie is somehow freed up to be wide-eyed and fascinated by everyone and everything else. It’s all very sweet to witness their relationship unfolding before our eyes.

In sum, this month was filled with rapid growth but also really tough– physically and emotionally. Sleep started getting so much better for a couple of weeks and then suddenly teething happened and it all got messy and desperate. Something needs to shift next month– can’t keep going like this.

That said, the girls and being a mama is more and more fun everyday. We are so grateful for the visitors that helped us get through this month; Sarah, Diana and Lindsay. We are additionally grateful to a couple of dear friends, Krista and Sonja, who go above and beyond each week in love, time and support. We’d be lost without all the love, generosity and help we get. Truly. We’re worn thin and our loved ones make such a difference for our family.

Below are pics of the girls. I have some fabulous videos but don’t have time to get them all uploaded here. Soon, hopefully! For now, enjoy!

Swaddle City- this is usually how the girls sleep

Unswaddeled- trying something new.... can they do it?

our first little impromptu dinner party with Diana, Lindsay and Krista... so fun!

The girls are starting to hold and cuddle with things now.

Mama and Girls at the Chinese Gardens

Sister and me.

Lindsay (Neecy), the girls and me.

This shows the difference of milk from my left boobie (little milk) and my right boobie (lots of milk). This pumping session was AFTER I fed both babies on my right side, too! Go right boobie, go!

 

Sarah, Gina and Genevieve.

Diana, Lindsay and Genevieve (Callie was napping)

Holding Hands-- they do this all the time and we can't get enough of it!

More Hand Holding...they just do it on their own. Adorable.

That’s all! As usual, please excuse poor grammar and typos… it’s a miracle I am able to get this out monthly as it is (thank goodness for hands-free milk pumping).

Posted in Believing, Community, Friends, Hormones, Love and Gratitude, Sleep, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Month Three — It’s All About Sleep, Baby

Posted on February 12, 2012 by Regina

Month Three

Has it been three months already? Wow. Technically it’s been 13 weeks but apparently now we start using weeks instead of months to indicate our baby girls’ age. So, February 7th, they were 3 months. Amazing. The girls are changing so fast now, seems every day there is something new and anything that happened last week is ancient history.

Sleep
After getting their weight up to a point where we no longer had our attention on it, they went through a gassy/colicky phase, from about 6 to 9 wks old. Randomly, I started reading a sleep book in the early morning hours at my “pumping station”. I was astounded to learn that my children were sleep deprived. When they were newborns they could fall asleep anywhere, anytime but now they are no longer able (neurologically and developmentally) to fall asleep on their own. Given I didn’t know that, I just kept on hanging out with them all day, watching them cat nap, thinking they’d sleep when they were tired. Unfortunately, they became intensely sleep deprived. So, month three was all about sleep; getting them restored, learning to sleep and learning to stay asleep.

What does a sleep-deprived baby look like? It looks like a crying, screaming, wriggling, punching, kicking, scratching, suffering or “fighting sleep” baby. Generally, they were inconsolable from about 4pm-10pm when they were finally so exhausted they fell out. One time Calliope didn’t sleep for 7 hours straight…we tried the whole time to get her to sleep until finally at midnight she slept. The crying is easy to mistake for gas, colic (most common) or hunger. For weeks I kept trying to “treat” the gas, colic and hunger but would still be up with crying babies for HOURS. It was miserable. Inevitably and regularly Gina would come home to all three of us in tears. Sometimes, after being with them for 15 hours straight, I’d text her at night in bed with them both crying… “Please hurry! I’m at the end of my rope!” and I truly wondered if I could keep going on like that for much longer. Even when I was away from them (i.e. grocery shopping) I’d hallucinate that I’d hear my babies crying for me, clawing and kicking me, trying desperately to sleep.

So, I read another book on sleep. And then another. Three total. That’s enough. I got the gist and the info I needed. I learned how much babies need to sleep (mine were sleeping about 4 hours too little every day—can you imagine?), how they sleep, what their wake and sleep cycles are at each stage in their first years, what they are neurologically and developmentally capable of at each age in regards with sleep, and what happens when they are deprived of sleep (cortisol levels go up– that’s the stress hormone– making it harder and harder for them to sleep the longer they are awake). The more they sleep, the more the levels go down and the easier it is for them to sleep. In other words, sleep begets sleep. I’d heard rumours of this but now I knew it to be true.

In the end, I took away this: babies this age (somewhere between that ‘newborn fall asleep anywhere stage’ and the ‘older infant 4mo-6mo stage’) do not yet have organized sleep habits but they need lots of sleep. They cannot put themselves to sleep either. They are simply not yet capable of self-soothing (that comes around 6 months) so they need us to help them fall asleep and stay asleep. That’s all a tough combo for both babies and mamas.

I learned that every 90 minutes babies have a natural sleep cycle, complete with sleepy cues (that I had clearly been missing!). The whole thing is sort of like a wave and if I can catch it before it crashes, putting them to sleep is easy like magic.

So, while it seemed crazy, I implemented a plan (based on a book called ‘The 90 Minute Sleep Cycle’ by an infant sleep scientist and mother) wherein every time upon waking in the daytime– no matter if they slept 20 minutes or 2 hours– they went back down 90 minutes later. They’d wake and (depending on what they needed) they’d get changed and fed and have play-time to stimulate their little brains and bodies and tire them out. Then they went back down with a sleep routine (music, dim lights, swaddle, rocking, same room) exactly 90 minutes later. In fact, the routine would start about 15-25 minutes before the 90min sleepy window so that by the time the 90-minute mark came I was already in the room and rocking and soothing and ready for them to nod off when that magic minute hit. The first time I tried it (was the first day I read the book… I was desperate), it worked like magic. I thought it was a fluke. I couldn’t believe it… I was literally jaw-dropped. Then, every time it happened I was still shocked. My girls were finally going down easily. No tears! None!

Now, part two is staying asleep. I learned that babies have “wake cycles” every 20, 40 and 60 minutes. We all do actually but we, unlike babies, know how to roll over and put ourselves back to sleep. They don’t. Inevitably when I’d put them down to sleep, they’d wake back up 20-40 minutes later—on the money, no joke. And if one didn’t wake, the other would wake and then wake her sister. That got old real fast. I tried putting them in separate rooms but that was too hard for me running back and forth. Soon I realized I needed to be there for their “wake cycles” to soothe, shoosh, and jiggle them back to sleep. If I were in the same room they slept in I could catch it fast and they’d go right back out. If I were somewhere else in the house with monitor and ran back in the room it was too late. They were up and not really well rested. Most of the time, still, they take just 40 minutes naps with the occasional 2 hour nap. If you do the math, this means that I put them down for a nap anywhere from 4-5 times a day, then bedtime. While it’s a lot of work, the numbers add up to the right amount of sleep they need to be getting. In time, those 40 minute naps should naturally extend to longer periods of sleep– particularly their midday  nap. Fingers crossed.

This left (and leaves) me doing only one thing all day, all the time: helping them fall asleep and stay asleep. Besides feeding, changing and playing, this is my main job, of utmost importance. In the beginning it was shocking how exhausting and time consuming this routine was but the benefits were so immediate that we held out hope and pressed on.

We took my white board that was in my now unused, vacant office wiped it clean and put it up in the dining room. On it we started tracking both the girls feed and sleep cycles (also in effort to keep them in sync). I bought some special swaddles, hooked up with some twin moms online about sleep stuff, set up their nursery and crib which we hadn’t been fully set up yet (they’d mostly been in our room). Then I got Gina onboard. When home on the first weekend to help with the whole thing she said, “This is crazy! Is this all our life is about now? Getting them to sleep? I miss our girls. They are sleeping all the time now.” But I insisted and book-marked pages for her to read on the importance of their sleep, setting the foundation for their sleep habits for the rest of their life and the science behind it all. A lover of sleep, in a matter of days she could see the girls were happier to be around when awake, night times became easier as the girls were clearly suffering less. Plus, there was no denying the magic of holding a baby and watching her eyes magically close and nod off spot on the 90min mark. She was sold and we stuck with it.

White Board Sleep Tracking

Just about that time my mom came to visit which was clearly a blessing. She did the whole thing with me every day for another week– rocking and soothing babies to sleep every 90 minutes after they woke up (in the daytime). By the end of the first week of the sleep training, the girls went from napping 1-2 hours a day to napping 4-5 hours a day. More importantly (for the adults in the house too!) their night sleep improved dramatically and immediately; they went from sleeping 3-hour stretches at night to sleeping 4-5 hours stretches. By the second week they slept 6 and 7 hour stretches and a total of 12 hours over night! Hallelujah!

Napping Nana and Genevieve

Getting them to sleep is SO much easier now too. I’ve actually been able to just set either one of them down (on separate occasions) in their crib drowsy but not sleeping and she’s fallen asleep on her own within minutes. At this age, that is fantastic and makes it so, so much easier putting both of them to sleep at naptime and nighttime when I’m on my own. The routine has gotten a lot easier too given they go down faster and easier. Where it used to take 45-60 minutes to put them down, it can now take as little as 5 minutes. Still though, they are so young that their naps are not quite organized or regular yet but  every 90-minutes magic happens. From what I’ve learned, from now until week 16 their sleep will begin to get more organized and regular naps will begin to occur. They’ll start to show me their own patterns for daytime sleep. My job is to watch and listen. I feel blessed that we are a bit ahead of the game in that their little bodies are now rested well enough to let those rhythms emerge and they’ll be able to sleep easily when they need to (and hopefully as long as they need to).

Interesting to note, since we started this sleep “training”, they’ve hit a huge growth spurt. Genevieve went from eating 3.5-4oz to eating 5 and 6oz  every meal. She’s gained a pound easily (12.5lbs at the time of this writing). Calliope (our little 10.5 peanut) was working on holding her head up but never quite got it, now she’s all upright all the time and also increased her food intake. It, could be coincidence but I don’t think so.

So, there you are. Sleep. That’s what month 3 was ALL about. I’m betting and banking on this hard work paying off long-term. I know everything can change on a dime but this sleep thing is a biggie and I hope and pray what we are doing will help them the rest of their lives. I’ve always been envious of people who know how to sleep well. I think this is a gift I can give them that will stay with them forever. I hope I’m right.

Zzzzz....Music to my Mama ears

Breastfeeding
Breast feeding continues to be both amazing and a challenge. It’s getting easier as promised but my milk production remains precarious. If I don’t get enough food even one day it dwindles—and sometimes even if I DO eat enough, it dwindles. I now take lot of supplements and herbs to keep the milky river flowing given I need to produce about 10oz of milk every 3-4 hours. We have donor milk from a family member on Gina’s side and so grateful for that and some additional milk from my midwife’s milk bank. We also learned about a goat’s milk formula we can make at home should we really run dry. For now, when I don’t have enough milk we use the donated milk so the girls still have just breast milk exclusively. This all makes me very happy.

Genevieve is still on the nipple shield, and given how my nips are shaped, she just may always be… but, we still try every feeding. I finally gave up on tandem feeding. The fantasy of it is way sweeter than the reality. It’s fricking hard and I hated it. Once they are older and can hold their heads up better, we’ll try again in some different positions and maybe it’ll be easier. For now, they take turns and if both are hungry at the same time, I put a Boppy next to me, put the baby in the Boppy and bottle feed her while I breast feed the other. “Tandem” is simply altered a bit. We are all much happier.

Exciting news is that Calliope began teething! Poor girl, though. It was painful for her at first and because it was so early I didn’t know what was going on. My mom tells me my grandmother, my mom, my aunt, my sisters and I all cut our first teeth at three months too. Apparently it’s hereditary. The things you learn. ☺

Alternative tandem feeding

The Girls
I could gush on about how amazing they are. Giggles, laughs, smiles. They are so fun and so wonderful. They are starting to reach for things but their motor skills still don’t let them grab anything just yet. They are holding their heads high now and when you set one down next to the other on the ground to play, they smile. Especially Genevieve. She loves when Callie is close and next to her. Their smiles are so innocent and true. It’s an honor to be around them… they are so clean and so pure. They respond to our voices now and I watch them light up when I walk in the room or they hear my voice. They are starting to reach for me and lean toward me now (if they are in someone else’s arms). It’s humbling to be loved and needed in this way. Lastly, it’s amazing to see their personalities and personhoods showing up. They are no longer newborn babies but they really are just small people to be heard, listened to and honored. I’m quickly learning that my favorite thing about parenting is watching who they become every day. It’s like they gently unfold into more of themselves every time they wake up. It really is an honor to watch and support.

Their personalities are simply more intense versions of who they were when they were born. Callie is still loud and vocal and physically active. She is little but packs a big punch. On her three month visit she had her doctor jaw-dropped with how much she communicates. “Wow! This one really has a lot to say doesn’t she?” I truly can’t imagine where she gets that from (sheepish grin). Her eyes have not yet changed color but I’m pulling for them to stay the pretty green that they are. They are gorgeous eyes– though we don’t necessarily recognize the shape so we affectionally say she has “mystery eyes”.

The eyelashes look fake, they are so long!

Genevieve continues to be peaceful,  steady and sweet. She notices music start and stop now and she’s super aware of her surroundings. She wrings her hands–with those long fingers– all the time, either thinking or praying we’re not sure but it’s so damn cute we can’t get enough of it. She’s now out & out allergic to perfumes and frangrances (red watery eyes and nose, sneezing and fussy) but doc says she should grow out of it by year one. She also makes it really clear who she wants to be held by and who she does not. Even if it’s awkward, we do our best to support what she communicates give she can’t really say with words, “Hey, I’m not diggin’ on this person, could they not hold me please?” Genevieve has big brown eyes that are clearly from the Perata side of the family.

Genevieve - three months

Gina has been signing to the girls a lot more lately and they just LOVE it.

Gina Signing to the Girls-- teaching colors

Gina signing to girls

Three Month Stats
Calliope
10lbs 10oz
23inches long

Genevieve
12lbs 5oz
24inches long

Gina and I
We are still laughing which I consider a huge victory. That said, it’s harder in some ways now because we are not in the daily grind together as much. She’s gone at work and I’m home with the girls. I’m on 24/7, she’s on in shifts. This leads to the quintessential, classic breakdowns that you hear about from a more traditional 1950’s family. For example, each feeling the other doesn’t understand their own role and the pressure it brings. Still, we talk and listen at those late night feeding(s) and we keep making tiny adjustments to make it better for us both. I feel like we are an amazing team. In a rare day where we each get sleep and the girls are content, we hug, we dance, we smile and we tear up just taking in the two blessings that we have. Still, we can hardly believe our good fortune and how beautiful our family is.

We still co-sleep, even though we will rearrange who sleeps where as the girls get bigger. Gina and I are now sleeping next to each other again. We spooned and cuddled for the first time since I was about 6 months preggers and too big to be that close. It felt so nice. We both exhaled deeply. Anyway, I love our big family bed. It’s so much fun and such a sweet time of bonding. On mornings that Gina doesn’t work we wake up and all cuddle, listen to music that we want to introduce them to, laugh, play, nurse and eventually go back down for our morning naps. I absolutely love this time for our family. It really is the heart of what I dreamed and wanted to badly for so many years. (Insert a sweet sigh here).

Help
I continue to get support and help from friends and family in ways that simply humble me. At this stage in the game I almost never say no. In fact, I say yes quickly if I need it. The mother’s helper we have is great but as the girls’ needs become more complex I think we’ll be hiring a doula instead, that is, someone who really knows babies and can teach me things as we go as well as help in all the other ways we need it. We can’t afford to have one as often as we actually need it but even a few hours a week can make a huge impact in my sanity and their well being.

Mom’s visit
My mom’s visit was so sweet. It was healing for both of us and wonderful to see her so tickled and happy about the girls. She couldn’t stop saying, “They’re just so CUTE!” And they are of course. ☺ The thing that was sweetest to me was that they knew immediately she was family– important family. There was none of that stranger anxiety stuff. They just curled up in her lap and let her rock them for hours on end in the glider chair. They snuggled with her a lot and she seemed to have the magic touch in putting them to sleep by the end of the visit. It was sad to see them all have to say goodbye.

Our dear friend Sarah arrives tomorrow to help us for a long weekend. I can hardly wait.
I’ve been counting the days. After all the sleep-teaching work, my mom’s visit, and the cutting of the first tooth, it’s been a lot. I’m looking forward to pumping as much milk as I can and giving the overnight shifts to Sarah and Gina so that I can catch a full night’s sleep and perhaps take a break during the day. I really need it. It’s incredibly demanding, this new job of mine, and while it’s getting so much better and easier (and I’m WAY over the first hump), it’s still exhausting. I’m worn thin and the reserves I was running on are now empty. Still, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now but right here with my amazing baby girls.

In Sum
Month three was in some ways harder than any other in that the sleep deprivation (for us and them) was cumulative, the food support mostly petered out and I was mostly solo… along with increased demands from the girls. On the other hand, so much more rewarding in terms of the smiles, the changes in their development and our bonding as a family.

They say month four brings more changes than any other month in a human’s life. We can’t wait! Stay tuned next month. I’ll do my best to capture all the goodies and pics too.

Much love. 
xoxo

Gina and Callie during a rare Sunday morning outing.

Gina feeding babes- 3 months

Sleeping

 

Favorite Toy

The view from here- Genevieve

Sleeping Callie

 

One of my favorite photos ever...

Posted in Believing, Fourth Trimester, Friends, Funnies, Learning, Praying, Sleep, What the ? | Leave a comment

Month Two — Lessons in the proverbial “They”

Posted on January 4, 2012 by Regina

“They” told me a lot before my babies came and even once they were here.

They said that it would get easier after 4 weeks, that the babies would have growth spurts at 4 weeks, 6 weeks and 8 weeks. They said the colic and upset bellies would peak at their worst around week 6-8 and get better after that. They told me nursing would get easier, that the babes would eventually sleep longer spells, and that we would start to find a bit of a rhythm in our new life. They said I’d rarely eat a hot meal (much less eat a whole meal at once) and that my mama-bear instincts would kick into overdrive. I could go on.

All of it, thus far, is true.

Month two was so different than month one. Hard to say it was better because nothing was sweeter than those first hours, days and week. But that time was also incredibly difficult and challenging emotionally and physically.

Over the past 4 weeks (yes, the girls are 8 weeks old now!) we just took it all one day at a time and before we knew it, a lot changed. For me personally, I feel well again! Despite getting a little cold and having 8 (EIGHT) ingrown toenails that are total pain, I feel so good again. I am mostly recovered from surgery, all my side effects are gone, my boob situation is mostly under control (I still get clogged ducts occasionally, but thanks to a good friend  and a rockin’ lactation consultant, I know how to handle that and keep it at bay) and I LOVE eating again. Hurray!

Breastfeeding
Nursing is not yet what I’d call easy but it’s getting easier. It’s an incredibly difficult thing. I always imagined it would be so easy, so natural. I wasn’t ever sure what women were talking about when they said it was hard. Now I know.

Having two babies to nurse has extra challenges of course but I’m meeting them daily and doing a really, really great job. Yes, I’m tooting my own horn here. Truth is, there is nothing I’ve been more proud of in my entire life than exclusively breastfeeding these girls. Every day I do it, it’s an accomplishment. I’m lucky enough to be reminded of that by nurses, midwives, lactation consultants, over and over.

Calliope is almost off the nipple shield completely and probably in a months’ time will be “barebacking” (as my lactation consultant calls it) 100%. Genevieve has a really high pallette so even though we had her frenulum clipped, it’s still painful for me for her to nurse without the shield, AND she hates it. She much prefers the comfort of the shield. So, we practice and slowly make progress but if she never gets off it, I suppose that’s ok. She’s getting what she needs.

The last thing to say here is that (despite how hard it’s been) I really love nursing. I mean, I LOVE it. I love their little hands kneading me when the nurse. I love feeling their soft hair and watching the curls grow every day. I love staring at their eyelashes and little noses. I love playing with their little feet and legs. I love nourishing them from a perfect food my body makes just for them. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.

Health Stats
The girls are getting all of what they need! Genevieve is now over ten pounds! Her sister, Callie, is a full pound behind her. That said, she’s a bit shorter though. Callie is about 19 inches and Genevieve (who we have taken to calling Genevee-vee, which may turn into VeeVee, instead of Evie), is 21 inches! She’s in the 75th percentile. Callie in the 50th. We are so, so happy that our girls are healthy, healthy, healthy.

All that said, after I caught a cold, the girls caught it. 8 weeks is just too young to get sick so we have to stay in side to care for their lungs and avoid a slippery slope called pnemonia. Why they got sick so early when they have good breast milk you ask? I did too. Our pediatrician said she’s not sure why but she sees twins get sick earlier than other babies. And so it goes. They are snotty and such but Gina uses the “snotter-a-tor”, our made-up name for a device wherein she sucks the snot out of their sinuses through a long tube. It’s totally disgusting (she gets big points for this) and fabulously effective. The first night I heard VeeVee wake up all snotty, I was beside myself. “They” told me that having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside instead of the inside and that is exactly how it feels. She was crying and I was crying (and blaming myself, which I got over in the morning, thank you Auntie Soso). It was awful. So, we’re doing a number of things the pediatrician recommends and they seem to be getting better.

They have each has gassy bellies and colicky evenings. Sometimes both babies screaming at the same time for hours. I won’t lie. It’s terribly difficult. So awful I cry or have to leave the room or something. But amazingly enough, I wake up in the morning and it’s a new day and things have the hope or getting a bit better. And in fact they are. Already less spitting up, gas, etc. As their tiny digestive tracts improve (and I learn what not to eat), that pain they go through diminishes, thank goodness. While I hate them being in that kind of belly pain, I’ve learned a lot about how to comfort them and I’ve learned that I can really, really trust my instincts. I’m a mama and I use my mama instincts- turns out, they work.

Calliope
Good god, she’s a cute, happy baby. Dark, curly eye lashes with big dark green (for now) eyes and little ruby lips make her look like a little Italian angel.

She continues with her funny facial expressions (comical, not commercial!) and today she gave me a real, live, genuine, intentional smile for the first time. It was BLISSFUL! Genevieve gave me her first smile a day or two before but I didn’t have a camera on me. It was amazing. With Callie, I happened to have my camera right there and as I kept making a smiley face at her, she kept beaming so I snapped a shot. I sent it to Gina who teared up. It makes me sad that she missed that “first” and will likely miss other firsts. I am even more grateful for her working for our family.

Calliope loves people and the world. She’s EXCELLENT at making her needs known. She has a huge set of lungs and she is not shy about using them. She is still a voracious eater and she’ll go from 0 to 60 to let us know she’s hungry. It makes me feel like the world is going to end if I don’t get her food NOW and then, all in a moment, she’s sucking and smiling and happy and the world is a better place. When it’s not difficult, it’s terribly cute. Genevieve just watches all of this in wonder, which is sometimes even funnier.

Callie, it turns out, was bit scrunched up in the womb and sort of “stuck” with her head cocked sideways. As as result, her neck is shorter on one side, making her cock her head to the side most of the time. It looks cute but it’s not really great for her. She also has an ear that isn’t quite “pinned” back and so it sticks out a little. Poor girl, she was all crooked while growing. She’ll be okay though. Gina says she’ll just make sure to have long hair. Ha ha.We get cranial sacral for both the girls regularly. Mostly for Callie right now just due to costs. Below are a few pics of her getting worked on by her chiropractor, Becky.

Becky with Callie- you can see her neck tilted to the right.

Becky showing us how to do adjustments at home with Callie.

Becky working her magic. Callie LOVES the adjustments as you can tell.

Callie also continues to live up to her name by singing, cooing and being melodic. She does this whilst eating, sleeping or just playing. It’s so amazing, I can’t get enough of it.

Listen here to a 30 second clip of her nursing session today. Mind you, I was tandem nursing– meaning, Genevieve was nursing as well, just quiet as a mouse. All you can hear is Callie. Mamas, prepare for ‘letdown’.

Callie nursing

Calliope's First smile!

Genevieve
Grace. She is pure grace, this one. She is so different from her sister. She is softer in her ways. I guess the biggest news about her is that she is pretty sensitive we are learning. Our pediatrician spoke with us about how to work with her in the world (which is not a great place for sensitive human beings). She is sensitive to people (and their energies), foods (that I eat), stimulation (being out and about or even television and music), lights, smells (very sensitive to smells), and to change.  So, we talk with her about how to put bubbles of light around her to protect herself from too much stimulation. We put bubbles around her. We try to keep a gentle rhythm to our days. When we know we are going somewhere like a party, we make sure to be home the day before and the day after so she can regroup (i.e. cry a lot to process it all). And, I am learning how to make requests from people that may hurt their feelings or be highly awkward (i.e. I need to take her back from someone because their lotion, shampoo, scent is too strong and it’s upsetting her- or, I even *think* it may be upsetting her). It’s not easy but it’s what she needs and in that way, it’s easy now as her mother. In the past, I could never even have done that. Now, the protective instinct kicks in and I just muster up what’s called for and we get by.

Genevieve is not without her funny  moments as well. She likes to sleep with her arms stretched out straight, occasionally lifting them high in praise of something that remains yet to be seen. She looks a bit like a mummy, which is a little creepy, but kinda cute, too.

Genevieve's mummy impression in her Auntie Kori's arms

Sisters
Together they are so cute. In the beginning, being near each other was more primal. Now they actually take note of each other. They like being close, watching each other– especially nursing or playing on the ground. One thing that is interesting is when they are both in need, crying or making noise, if one really escalates the other gets quiet immediately. Almost as if to say, “Okay, you need mama more than I do, you go for it.” Who the hell knows what’s going on but I like to think that they are working together, negotiating — like they have from the start.

Help
They said, “Take help whenever and wherever you can get it.” I didn’t think I’d need this much help. I didn’t think I’d ask. But I have and it’s been amazing. Countless food deliveries. People taking time and money to cook and buy food for us and deliver to our doorstep. It’s all been a saving grace. We barely have time to pee much less cook (I write this blog while pumping in the hours where there’s no light outside).

Friends are showing up, taking shifts to help clean the house or just be extra hands when Gina is working… crazy amounts of time they are giving in total. It’s incredibly humbling.

Lastly, we have very dear friends (who shall remain anonymous) gift us $500 for domestic help. Gulp. How do we say thank you? It’s unbelievable. Just so amazing. They said they wanted to give us something that we’d need, that would make a difference and that we’d always remember. They nailed it. We hired a “mother’s helper” 3 days a week for 2 hours a day, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s just enough to help me stay on top of bottles, dishes, laundry, making food and picking up. She was an au pair in Spain and is our good friend’s daughter — we know and trust and love her. She’s fabulous and already I’m so grateful. I’ve been able to, just in this first week, get bills paid, brush my teeth before noon, and make a little food in advance for eating later. Soon, as we all grow more comfortable together, I’ll be able to sleep a bit or even run an errand or two. Ahhh….

We are so grateful for all the help. It’s hard to grasp really, how blessed we are. Mostly, we love that our daughters were born into and living in this level of generosity. We believe that (already) makes a difference to who they are and who they will become.

Gina and I
You know, “they” said that it’s easy to forget each other. That we should make sure to make time to connect, talk and kiss– even occasionally. Before babies came we were committed to not letting the girls drift us apart.  Now, eight weeks in, we realize we’ve barely seen each other. Oh, we’ve been in the same house, same bed. In fact, late night feedings have brought some deleriously funny moments (including Gina forgetting to put a diaper on Genevieve and getting peed on in bed at some ungodly hour). It’s been really, really hard and still fun and sweet and good. BUT, looking into each other’s eyes for longer than 2 seconds? Having a nice slow hug or a real kiss even? Well, that’s been few and far between… BUT, it’s getting better. We are not disconnected or bickering even (though there are some tense moments for the most part, we’ve got each other’s backs). It’s more like we are running a marathon side by side. We know we are in it together, we can feel the other RIGHT THERE but we haven’t necessarily faced each other in a while. And so, we are doing that now. We are facing each other. It’s nice. Yesterday we hugged and Gina said, “I love you. (long pause). I forgot how short you are.”

There are so many little things that I could share because like “they” said, every day is filled with new milestones, challenges and victories… but I’d never have time to put them all down. Suffice to say, we are well. For the first time in a long, long time, I feel really good– physically and emotionally. Please note: we are not living in a fairly tale nor are we delusional, it’s hard— last night I was in the hallway crying while Gina was in the bedroom with two very hungry, screaming babies and we were out of pumped milk and my boobs were empty– it was HORRIBLE. But, after we managed that crisis, we went to sleep, woke up, I fed my babies what they needed and that morning Calliope smiled her big huge smile at me- eyes and all. The rest of the day has been heaven. So,  yeah, good. Really, really good. I love, love, LOVE being a mommy. Every last drop. Even the parts I hate. Even when I feel like one big giant milk cow only good for my teets. I love it and I would have done anything to have it. Well, hell, I did, didn’t I? I’m so glad the payoff is finally here.

From what “they” say, it just keeps getting better. Hallelujah!

First Fun outing, Christmas Eve!

 

The girls got to meet lots of new friends this past month. Enjoy the pics below.

First Christmas

Auntie Soso (Sonja) gifted them these Adorable Hannah Anderson Holiday Sleepers. Turns out, for they are our new favs to have the girls in.

The girls are making lots of new friends...

Big and little...

Uncle Todd and his son Lucas (Sonja's boy)

Auntie Rhona

Penn, our new "mother's helper"... she is a Godsend!

Auntie Soso- they LOVE her.

Auntie Krista (and Calliope)

Uncle Tim

Tia Michelle (seated) and Auntie Boo (Rebekah).. their first long-distance friends. (VeeVee on the left, Callie on the right)

 

***As usual, due to extreme sleep deprivation, please excuse all bad grammar and typos. 🙂

 

 

Posted in Believing, Community, Firsts, Fourth Trimester, Friends, Funnies, Learning | 1 Comment

The Birth

Posted on December 25, 2011 by Regina
Christmas Day!

Given Gina and I are not practicing Christians, we’ve had a few late night and early morning feedings where we talk about how and what we want to bring forth this time of year for our girls. The belief in Santa and consumerism don’t feel right for us (though the story of St. Nick and the spirit of his giving… yes). So, what will we share each December with our girls as they grow? Generosity, love, family, the magic of the darkness and the return to light… oooh, and twinkle lights. We must celebrate the beauty of twinkle lights. So, with all that in mind and heart, we wish all of you, our family and friends, a very Merry Christmas.

With a bit of irony, given this is the time of year some people celebrate the birth of Jesus, I figure it’s a fine day to share the gift of witnessing our girls’ birth with you. Calliope is born first, Genevieve second (G is who you will see at the very end). The voice you hear other than Gina’s is our Midwife, Catherine. Without further adieu, enjoy.

P.S. Prepare for happy tears.

The Birth

Love, love,
Regina, Gina, Calliope (Baby A- born first) and Genevieve (Baby B)

Gina and I just before the birth.

Gina with babes just a few hours after their birth.

Calliope's little hand wrapped around R's finger- 12 days old.

Genevieve in the Moby-- she LOVES being this close and would stay here 24/7 if she could.

 

 

Posted in Believing, Community, Friends, Love and Gratitude, Surgeries, What the ? | 1 Comment

Corrections

Posted on December 7, 2011 by Regina

Gina read my blog yesterday and informed me of a few corrections. Ahem.

Usually I edit my posts well enough for grammar, spelling, types, etc and then I have Gina double check them for accuracy (we all know how I like to embellish a good story– she keeps me in check). For obvious reasons, I didn’t run the post through my usual check and balances this time so here are a few corrections.

1. When writing about sleep, I shared that we get about 5-6 hours in a whole day including naps. Gina thinks this is actually a generous assessment (I was trying not to embellish!). Some days, often actually, we get 3-4… but occassionally we’ve been known to get 6 or 7 so I put in the average. Still, I think I shot high. BUT… we are SURE we’ll get more sleep in the future and again, we are working out how to give each other naps while the other is “on duty.”

2. When describing Calliope I wrote that her facial expressions are “commercial.” Oops! I meant, COMICAL! Her facial expressions are comical. She makes us laugh all the time. Ironically, my typo is comical as well.

3. Lastly, my post may seem like I think that I/we are  only ones to have a rough start or have the newborn phase be hard. Just for the record, after talking with so, so many moms… I am CRYSTAL clear that it’s tough on everyone… no matter if it’s one baby, two or three. Everyone has their hills: whether is colic, acid reflux, milk production, etc. I am just writing and sharing about mine as they arise (to document, to remember, because it’s cathartic, etc.).

At the end of the day, I know that while there are things that are hard for me/us, there is so much more that is right and good. For example, many twin moms have difficulty making enough milk to feed both their babies (heck, even moms of singletons have this issue)… I can’t imagine how devastating that would be. And (you’re gonna laugh at this), now that I’m on the other side of birth and in the world of feeding my girls, I would much rather have to have a painful pregnancy complete with nausea and pain walking, or even a C-Section than not make enough milk for my girls. I feel truly blessed that I’m a giant milk cow.

Besides all the other typos and such, that’s it for “the corrections.” 🙂

More soon… or later.

xo,
regina

P.S. UPDATE:

I saw my OB yesterday and looks like yeast is gone! Sore, red nipples are now just from nursing 20-24 times a day, from the drying products that were designed to kill yeast, and from Genevieve’s “poor latch” (she was ‘tongue tied’ but we had it (her frenulum) clipped today and when I nursed her after it was immediately better– she didn’t even feel a thing– I’m so glad we did it). So, I stopped with the topical products to kill the yeast,  I tandem nurse as much as possible to cut down on number of times I nurse a day, and her latch is 1000x better. Ladies and Gents– we are on the mend and see the light! I’m already feeling MUCH better and Genevieve seems happier, too, poor girl…she doesn’t have to work so hard to get what she needs. That sound you hear is me exhaling.

Posted in Believing, Community, Fourth Trimester, Funnies, Surgeries and Proceedures | 2 Comments

Month One

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Regina

My Miracle Babies

It’s hard to believe that today (I wrote this Monday, December 5th) marks 4 weeks from when I went into labor. The day at the Kennedy school and that night when my waters broke…I remember it like yesterday. Truth is, I remember it better than yesterday. I couldn’t tell you what the hell I did yesterday, actually.  🙂

The first month is everything everyone says it is…. it’s wonderful, it’s raw, it’s hard, it’s bliss… it’s so clear and vibrant and yet it’s a blur, too.

First Weeks
We spent the first week happy to be out of the hospital, at home with lots of support from midwives, doulas, lactation consultants and docs. I was focused on milk coming in, nursing, healing myself and getting the girls up to weight. Gina was doing all the heavy lifting (every diaper change, bottle cleanings, carrying babes in car seats to docs, etc.) while I recovered from surgery. As you might guess, she is an extraordinary mama.

The intense love that I immediately felt for these two baby girls is too difficult to describe. There are no words. It’s just all primal. I would put my nose to their mouths and just smell and breathe them in. That first week they smelled like birth. New, raw, fresh, watery, traces of blood, even. I loved it.

The second week we were just coming to terms with no longer being pregnant and suddenly being moms. Inside of that, I came down with a yeast infection (systemically: on my nipples, yoni, mouth, bum, etc.) and while I thought I had it licked early on, it came back with a vengence. For those that don’t know, it’s incredibly painful to nurse (feels like hot chards of glass in breasts or searing needles in nipples when baby nurses). Many new moms quit nursing if they get yeast in their nipples because it’s just too painful and so hard to get rid of. I am bound and determined to keep going.

I also was sorting out engorged breasts and clogged ducts, also painful but short lived for a few days (I did a new form of ultrasound on my boobies combined with pumping… worked like magic).

Babies Weight and Trusting Ourselves
During those first weeks were were primarily concerned with getting the girls back to their birth weight and above. The pediatrician we initially hired (and then fired) was incredibly “neurotic” (her word she used obsessively) about the girls dropping weight. We had a lactation consultant who helped us determine how much milk they actually needed to get back to weight (thank you very much Kerry McClenahan). Within days the girls were back to birth weight. We learned a lot in that process about when to worry (or not) and when to trust ourselves. A lot of panic and crisis was put in our space when in fact, our girls were just fine and lost a normal amount of weight. We found that our midwife (who is also an ND and pediatrician) gave us a much more empowering place to move from and be– every time we left her office we felt right and good. So, we are changing our insurance plan so that we can keep working with her. Empowering is what we need and and what we want for our babes.

Family
Somewhere right after the second week Gina’s mom came to visit. She LOVED seeing her grandbabies. Unfortunately, she took a fall down our steep upstairs stairs in the middle of the night. Gina took her to the ER at 4am which left me alone with the girls for the first time. Mary was badly bruised and in a lot of pain but we are so lucky it was not worse. She ended up going home 5 days early which, in the end, given all my health issues and our trying to just find our rhythm as a family, was better for everyone.

With my family, we’ve been Skyping and I hope to get out to Boulder in the Spring.

My Body
While it’s so great to have my body back in many ways… no nausea, no more numbing, no more pubic symphasis, I swapped it out for a whole new set of bodily “stuff”. Since the birth, I’ve been leaky, sweating all night long, bleeding, incision hurting, upper and lower back pain and in general having the feeling of being in some kind of strange no-man’s land with the amount of joy I/we were experiencing with Calliope and Genevieve coupled with the amount of pain I was enduring and the lack of sleep I/we were getting. Time of day and day of week were/are irrelevant. Paying bills, answering emails, or taking phone calls was just all on hold. I’m writing this piece in segments each time I pump milk (for my own sanity– the writing, not the pumping).

Week three and four have been trying to get into a rhythm with the girls, get my health back on track, and my milk supply back up (I was pumping a liter a day, then dropped drastically due to pain, lack of sleep, breasts regulating to babies needs, etc.). While the yeast is still present and painful (can sometimes take up to 6 months to rid of), the girls growing big and fast makes it all worth it. As of last week they were both 7lbs even, likely about 7.5 now on the one month marker! It’s so cool to feed my babies from my body and watch them get all they need from me. I look forward to when it’s not painful and just enjoyable.

The Girls
The girls are great. They are growing fast and nursing well. We even tandem nurse a few times a day! They take both boob and bottle thank goodness. Though I am looking forward to getting them off the nipple guard (a silicone piece that I used in the beginning to help their tiny mouths nurse, also helps to keep them free from yeast/thrush).

Their circadian rhythm is still off. It’s common to take a bit longer for them to get with day/night gig in the PNW given it’s just so gray all he time but we expose them to as much sunlight as possible. This means they are still up much of the night and sleep mostly in the day.

Calliope is so full of life! She is voracious in all ways: eating, communicating, looking, touching, smelling. She is very clear about getting her needs meet…and fast. She is commercial in her facial expressions and animated in her face. FOr me, when I look at her, I see passion, art, music… complete self-expression. She is dark skinned and dark haired- my dark haired lovely, I call her (as I knew our Calliope would be). She is a beauty.

Genevieve is our little Buddha. She is steady, slow, reflective, intentional in her ways. She looks out into the world with wonder, less concerned about her own needs (though she makes them known, she is much more understated and we have to watch more closely for her cues) and far more interested in the world or the other. For me, when I look at her, she oozes wisdom. I can tell now, this one will teach me much. She is fair skinned, light brown super curly hair and fine features. She looks like an angel, especially when she sleeps (often with her mouth open). She is also a beauty.

Gina and I
Gina and I are getting very little sleep. Newborns are exhausting as we all know. With two, it is as crazy as all the twin parents said it would be. Once a feeding is done (about an hour), there’s ANOTHER feeding, burping, changing, swaddling and rocking to do… right about that time, the next one is ready again. And so it goes, hour and after hour, day after day. There are no long stretches of sleep — day or night–for us. We get an hour at a time max, on a good night, mostly we sleep in 15-45 min chunks and sometimes just not at all for hours on end. We get about 5-6 hour a day total (including naps).

We find ourselves often frustrated that some people assume our experience is the same as with one baby or they make assumptions that we can (or should be able to) do things right now that we simple cannot, or they take our being in no-mans land personal. I know that none of this is anybody’s fault and something that can’t be helped– just part of our humanity (both their assumptions as well as our frustrations). Gina and I talk about this frustration together and agree it’s part of our being so deprived of basic needs and in some level of survival right now. We don’t want to keep trying to convince people of how hard it is, how it’s different, correct them, or make them wrong. We simply need to just stay in our own experience, get support from those who really have been on the front lines and those friends who really have empathy of how it must be (even if they don’t know first hand), as then stay connected to how wonderful it is, too. Because the truth is, the babes ARE wonderful… the caring for them these first weeks.. pretty damn intense.

Lest I’m making look like it’s all a war zone and no love over here… let me share a little story.

Lest I’m making look like it’s all a war zone and no love over here… let me share a little story.

Today we gave each girl a bath. I was rocking Genevieve in my arms, she’d just been bathed and was all cozy and swaddled. Calliope was on the changing table with Gina tending to her. Genevieve and I were standing nearby just rocking and watching. We had some music in the background. Gina said, “You know what this is? Do you know what this moment is?”

“What?” I wondered through a groggy brain trying to figure it out.

“It’s the best moment of our lives. That’s what this is. It’s the best moment of our lives.”

She kissed me. I cried.

I doubt I’ll ever forget that sweet, savory moment or the many others like it throughout these first few weeks. Who knows, maybe I will and we’ll just make more sweet moments and I’ll savor those until the next arrive. Either way, I’m grateful for the sweetness inside all the choas… without it, well… I don’t know what.

Support
I’ve been reaching out to friends for help here in the house (for cleaning, for naps) almost daily.  I’m also using my FHM (twin group) mentor which is so helpful because she really gets what it’s like– she said the first three months are “crisis mode” or like “triage mode” for most.  That about sums up how it feels. In fact, Gina and I were just talking about how even though it feels like crisis, we are committed to keeping the energy around the babies feeling calm and peaceful. I think we are doing pretty well (and our Midwife tell us we are doing great- God love her). The mentor also gives us tips for survival, ideas for handling sleep, feedings, two meltdowns at once when flying solo, etc. I’ve also contacted La Leche League for all my painful breast and breastfeeding issues, etc. All those things have made a difference.

Community
We are blessed with a huge community of people that love us. Inside of that, of course, they all want to come meet the babies and visit with us. I get asked at least once a day by someone new if they can come visit and meet the babies, sometimes up the three requests a day. It’s so wonderful to be so loved and we can’t wait to show the girls off.

That said, we were warned that “visiting” wouldn’t be too likely, but like most things… it’s just hard to understand until you are in it. “Visiting”, we realize is a joke right now. It feels a bit precarious saying that because it’s such a good problem to have and I fear sounding ungrateful. But it’s just not conducive (yet), particularly with people who are not in our “inner circle” (colleagues, etc.).

They all want to come but we just can’t right now. We realized recently that those visits are for the visitor, not for us. And right now, we don’t have anything to give to anyone but ourselves and our babies. Unless it helps us, it ain’t gonna happen. And even if someone wants to help, it’s sometimes harder to teach and explain how to help than to just have the time to ourselves to do what needs doing.  We tried doing visits early on: hospital, at home… but it proved to be a mistake and just wore us out fast and got the girls off any rhythm we started. Having newborns is just intense… having them be a bit (dare I say) “premie” and having two of them is even more intense. In time, we’ll see more people. For now, we’ve learned as we’ve went along and are setting boundaries as needed. For this, I am grateful.

It’s not like we are without seeing people though. We are lucky enough to have close friends sign up for meal deliveries, so we have people in the house about every other day because of that. In those cases, we love our visits– partly because we have planned for them, they are built in to our little structure and system here. Also, those visits tend to be people we are closer too (i.e. I care less if I’m running around topless, leaking milk from my boobs) and I can give someone something to do or kick them out when I need to. We also call in additional forces when we need extra sleep (like when I had been “on” with babies for 2 nights and 2 days solid because was working and all day shift and then got food poisoning).

All in all, we have people here enough. So, the days we DON’T have people in our home, we actually want, need and enjoy a bit of space. So far, only a handful of people have met the girls and we are thinking that maybe we’ll do a “visiting day” sometime in the next few weeks. A 2-hour chunk perhaps, where people can come and meet the girls, we can give our hugs and squeezes and then we can get back to trying to find a rhythm without trying to schedule 3-5 visits a week for the next few months. 🙂

Things I’m Surprised By
How much I love them.

How much more in love with Gina I am, watching her mother our girls.

How simply staring at them can be the best part of my day and/or bring tears to my eyes.

How fucking, insanely hard it all is.

How noisy they are! They grunt, squeak and squawk while they sleep. Seriously, Gina and I finally learned that they don’t need anything, they are just being noisy sleepers. We are going to record them one night here soon.

How much they vibe off each other. In some ways, they are so much their own entities. In other ways, they are so deeply bonded and entwined that you could miss it if you didn’t pay attention: if one stretches, the other stretches, one squeaks or grunts the other does as well… almost like they are talking or feeling each other on a level we can’t see. If they are both being a bit noisy or fussy and one really escalates, the other backs off, gets quiet and just watches while her sister is being cared for.

How primal I feel about everything right now.

How little attention I have for other people, work, outside needs. I’m solely focused on eating, sleeping, managing my pain/body and taking care of my babies, and Gina. Not necessarily in that order.

How good my mama instincts really are.

How generous people are when it comes to the babies (and us).

I’m sure there’s more but those are a few to start….

Above and below are some pics that Linda took for us at 13 days old. It was a lot of work getting these pics so early on but we are so happy we did. Thank you Linda!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Because We're Two Chicks, Believing, Community, First Trimester, Firsts, Friends, Hormones, Learning, Love and Gratitude, Sleep | 1 Comment

The Beginning

Posted on November 18, 2011 by Regina

Well, little did I know I was in early labor when I sent my last post. I knew my plug was gone and that I was having contractions but still thought they were just Braxton Hicks. Such is a first-time mama.

I woke up just hours after I wrote the last post, sat on the toilet and my water broke. Hollywood style. Gush! “Gina!” I hollered from that bathroom at 1:50am. “My water broke!” My super sleepy wife never woke so fast.

The whole thing was so fun. I love replaying the night over and over in my head. I got to experience some labor and my girls got to choose their own coming. Hurray! Blessed! By the time I was ready to head in to surgery, a few hours after my water broke, I was at 5cm which, my midwife tells me, indicates I would have had a pretty fast labor and likely not too terribly difficult given how easy getting there was for me (fast and easy). Though, we’ll never know, will we.

What we do know is that we are now 11 days out from having amazing, beautiful, sweet, perfect daughters. Gina and I are mothers. MOTHERS. It’s still surreal and we are still trying to integrate it all (which we are warned will likely never happen!) but we are doing our best to get our mama-legs anyway.

Birth Story
I plan to write the girls birth story when I get a little time here and there. I want it captured for me and for them. For now, suffice to say, the whole thing was amazing. Parts I could live with out (the morphine and hospital for example) but those downsides pale in comparison to the love and support we got from each other, our daughters and our midwife and care team.

Announcement
Below is the announcement we sent out a few days ago… it only took me about 5 days to draft it! I’ve never been pithy but these girls might just get the better of me– less time equals less words= right to the point.

The For-Now Update
The girls are super healthy… they lost more than 10% of body weight which was disconcerting for everyone given how small they are but we worked diligently to get them back up and sure enough they are now both past their birth weights  (Calliope now over the 6lb mark and Genevieve is close behind). I’ve had a few complications post-op with a nasty rash on my belly from the morphine, serious engorgement (I make more than a liter of milk a day… which is super painful but a VERY good problem to have- most moms of twins struggle to make enough for both babies), and we all came down with yeast infection: on my nipples (super painful), babies mouths, etc. We saw the midwife yesterday and already I’m feeling better all around. We got a better night’s sleep last night than we have since they were born. They were drinking my milk from a bottle to get them up to birth weight and we are now transitioning them to nurse predominantly from my breast. We’ll get good at this, then we’ll take on tandem nursing… it’s all taking time but it’s all happening.

We are in a little bit of a cocoon… we have a few visitors but we notice that right now, the girls (and we) do best with very little stimulation and just lots of rest, quiet and calm. So, we are honoring that. We know we’ll never get these first couple of weeks back. Gina’s mom gets here next week and then Gina is back to work after that…and just like that, our first days bonding as a family will be over. Of course, new chapters will begin and more visits we’ll welcome.

For now, I can’t imagine being happier or more grateful. Tears flow from me everyday all day, hormones or no hormones, this is astonishing. Every single day of sick, of pain, of suffering is worth their being here 100, 1000x over. My words fail to describe.

Stay tuned for the birth story and pictures… may be a while from now, but it’ll be here.

Quadruple love,
regina
xo

p.s. Gina is really well. Tired but so happy to be a mama.

Less than 24 hours old... on Gina's chest- skin to skin.

This how they were in the womb and how they still spend much of their time outside.

Genevieve (4 days old)

Calliope (4days old)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Birth Announcement

Howdy from Twin Girl Central,

We are so happy to share that our twin girls have made their arrival!

 

We had a c-section scheduled for today, Wednesday, November 16th given the girls stayed breech/breech, however, last Monday morning about 1:50am (November 7th) my waters broke and the girls chose their own arrival on November 7th, at 6:15am and 6:17am. 

 

Calliope Malea Perata (Callie): 5lb, 14oz and 18.5 inches (Baby A)  (name and cadence sounds like “Penelope”)

Genevieve Joy Perata (Evie): 5lb, 11oz and 18.75 inches (Baby B)

 

Genevieve is named after Gina’s grandmother, Genevieve. Calliope just told us her name… we tried many others throughout the pregnancy but none other would do. Both girls’ middle names are after their grandmothers (Gina’s mom Mary– Malea is the Hawaiian version of Mary– and Regina’s mom Joyce).

 

Calliope looks a lot like Gina. Genevieve looks a lot like Regina.

Calliope coos and crys in sweet little melodic tones which we think is fun given her name means “beautiful voice”. Genevieve looks around the world slowly and wide eyed like, “Where the heck did we land?”

They love being near each other and on us. We, of course, love that.

 

Regina is recovering remarkably well from surgery and Gina is her usual amazing partner-self- doing all the heavy lifting.

 

We are in total awe, love and joy. Words don’t even describe how amazing they are or being new mamas is. It’s totally chaotic and we hardly sleep in between every 1-3 hour feedings but we could care less at this point. Our girls are strong, healthy and perfect in every way.

 

Below are a few pics for you to enjoy.

Hope everyone is really, really well. Thank you for ALL your love and support… its’ making a huge difference for us. Having two babies is as much work as “they” say but it’s also so worth it, too.

Big quadruple love,

regina + gina

 

P.S.

Food

Many of you have done so much- and more than we could ever dream of. That said, lots of you have asked, so we’ll share- if you are inclined support us with food, we’ll take you up on it. We hardly have time to eat much less make food. We put together a link on Meal Baby. There are options for out of town people to help us, too.

http://mealbaby.com/viewregistry/545100

 

Visiting

Theses first few weeks we are just finding our bearings and really savoring each day feeling into each other in our new family (and healing)– but in no time at all, we’ll want more and more people flooding our home to meet and love on our girls (and help us fold a little laundry or the like).

 

If/when you come for a visit, please keep a couple things in mind: 

– Please plan for childcare if your kidlets are less then 10 or so. Docs suggestion to keep away other little ones for a few weeks or months.

– Please be conscious of your perfumes, lotions, hair products, smoke, etc. Regina is still really sensitive to smells and the little ones are even more so (and lungs less developed)

– Even if we are having the best visit ever and all looks calm, please support us in having a visit no longer than an hour. Time is so precious we dearly need to preserve our tanks, even when we want to run them dry on being with you, the people we love.

Posted in Believing, Community, Drugs and Medications, Firsts, Fourth Trimester, Friends, Hormones, Love and Gratitude, Surgeries, What the ? | Leave a comment