What The Cluck?

Thirty four weeks yesterday (10/19/11). Holy Crap! That is just amazing.

A few non-pregnancy highlights. 

• Gina is still working her tail off. I miss her and it’s hard to be without her so much, emotionally speaking. That said, she has, as always, been phenomenal support when home or not AND she’ll get SIX whole weeks with me and the girls once they are born. Ahhh….
• My mom is in town for a couple weeks helping me while Gina is away so much. She grocery shops, cooks, cleans, does dishes, laundry. A gift we are so, so grateful for.
• Sookie got an infection and high fever and had to go to ER in the middle of night last week. We nursed her in the changing table by our bedside like a little co-sleeper. Was very sweet in many ways. She’s all better now.
• I’m taking in my last visitors and social calls this weekend. This will be the last as I’m just not up for much more than an hour of company anymore…. until the babes arrive!
• We have finally pinned down the new family-car that we’ll get. We had a dear friend do some hunting for us. Now we are in the process of cleaning and selling the Volvo, getting pre-approved for our car loan and then we’ll see if we can beat the clock and get the damn thing before the girls arrive.
• The nursery is just about complete. Clothes sorted and rinsed; folded and in the drawers. Batteries in the night lights and all the rest. Getting very close to done.
• My babies get the hiccups ALL THE TIME now. I LOVE it so much. I love feeling them in me moving and playing and just growing.

The Stats
We’ve had a flood of medical appointments lately (OB, midwife, Ultrasound, acupuncturists, etc.) so here are the most recent stats.

I weigh 189lbs. Probably 190 by the time I write this as the babies are gaining weight fast now! I’m secretly hoping that I’ll break 200lb. How cool would that be for a little 5’4″ woman who mostly doesn’t go over 130 to tip the scale over 200lb? (That said, it is quite difficult to shower anymore…)!

My belly measures just over 46cm. You might recall cm=weeks in the world of pregnancy (one of Mother Nature’s fun little tricks) so I am, in many ways, like a woman who is 46 weeks pregnant. The difference being, I likely have a bit more weight given 2 placentas, 2 water sacs, double the blood volume, etc. My uterus contracts quite a bit now but I’m on a great herb called Viburnum (Cramp Bark) that works like magic to settle things down, especially at night.

Babies are close to 5lbs each (!) says the ultra sound… one in the 49the percentile and the other in the 40th. But the midwife and docs all say those can be off by as much as 8oz. Still, it gives us an idea of their growth and all are VERY happy with their size. Many twin babies are born at term (37 wks) and are about this size. The ultrasound also shows that they have a lot of amniotic fluid, which means I’ve been doing a good job drinking my water as well as eating my protein, but more importantly they still have lots of room to grow in their sacs. What we don’t want is them running out of space/water to breathe. We want lots of water in the sacs so they have plenty of room and breathing ability. By the time they are born, they’ll have little left. For now, they are sitting pretty.

Speaking of sitting pretty… I have an update on their positions: they aren’t exactly “sitting”, they are more like sort of standing with their legs curved. Alas, my baby A moved but she didn’t move head down. In fact, she put her head upward more. This means they are now both footling breech. Both Babies have their heads right under my diaphragm– just slightly off center so that Baby A is still in the lower position, technically. Baby B is no longer transverse, she is simply footling breech now too. They are cheek to cheek, hugging still. Their shoulders, backs and butts are on each side of my body– they make a perfect circle together. Seeing them together in the ultra sound made me realize what a sweet relationship they have with each other already. They have their hands and feet and knees all up and over each other. They are constantly touching and feeling each other. Of course they can see and smell each other, too. They are sisters loving on each other. Extraordinary, right?

My Upside Down Shift
Every medical professional I’ve spoken with has said the same thing in the last week: “These kids aren’t movin’.” As time moves on and they have less space it’s less likely, also my midwife tells me that footling breech (statistically) are simply less likely to turn. Something about them having more space to sort of float and rock back and forth down in the cervix area (yes, I feel it). I’m really getting that this is what THEY have negotiated. They’ve been in their world together negotiating and working out position and space for months now… together. Not necessarily with me and certainly not with my opinion inserted on the matter. What’s more is that the more they mature (the more we ALL mature) I can feel into them more than I could when they were embryos. I can feel their energies, each slightly different from the other. Hard to explain really. In that, I can feel how content they are. I can feel how warm and safe and secure they feel like this. I can feel that one has absolutely no intention of diving down to leave the other. My hope (and yes, I still hold some hope that they could turn) is that they could wiggle down together if they chose to go down– but again, that’s my hope. They clearly have their own wills.

And so, inside all that negotiating and contentedness, I am honoring them and their choices they are making together. I know this is the first of many a lessons that will look similar; letting go of my own needs, desires, wants for theirs and their choices. Still, it’s a lesson; and as lessons often do, it has come with tears and mixed emotions.

Besides my being able to honor them for where they are and where they are not (positioned), etc. I have been doing a lot of personal processing on the matter of having a surgical procedure for a birth instead of a natural, primal one.  It’s taken some work and effort but it seems I am the one who had turn myself upside down before the big day arrives.  I have had a major shift in my thinking about Cesearean. Politically, I still feel the same about it (in terms of it’s multi-billion dollar industry, convenience, disempowerment of women, and statistically skewed quantity of them done in the US). But I woke up to the other side of it in the past two weeks. I woke up to the part that is imperative, life saving, and a blessing even.

I asked my midwife, “What would happen if this were 100 years ago and my babies were both footling breech?” Without scaring me she shared that it would be likely that one or both would perish. The problem with footling breech is the chance of the cord prolapsing (falling through given the vacuum that occurs in the vaginal canal when the cervix opens and dilates). When a head is there, the cord can’t prolapse because it takes up all the space perfectly. But with little feet there, the studies today show that more often than not, the cord prolapses and the baby loses oxygen and it’s often “not good” (the imagination can run wild here). Of course, 100 years ago, there is the chance that I would die in labor as well. Hearing all that was one piece that added to my internal shift.

The other thing that aided my shift is this: On my Full House Mom’s group (the multiples group that I’m a part of), it so happened that this past 2 weeks, with the full moon and all, there were lots of multiples born. Most were born premature and underweight, many spending their first days and weeks of their life in the NICU. In addition, I happen to meet a couple of other women inside my FHM group (one who has been assigned to me as a “mentor” for these last weeks of pregnancy and the first months of birth) and they shared their birth stories with me, too. Of those two, one was on bed-rest for 4 months of her difficult pregnancy. The other mom was having a great pregnancy with all going well with the babes, on track to go 38 weeks just like me; at 33 weeks her baby boys were “wrestling” just a little too hard and one popped the other’s sac. Water broke and out they came. My chiropractor (who was pregnant with twins) told me that at 34 weeks they discovered she had undetected Pre-eclampsia (also more common with twins). She was on meds to keep contractions at bay and it masked the serious high blood pressure condition. Her babies had stopped growing. Immediate induction was done and babies were born as preemies and spent 4 weeks in the NICU.

I could go on and on with the stories that I hear of twins coming early or underweight for reasons that woman may or may not have been able to control. Of course I like to focus on the success stories, but in this case, hearing all these stories above deeply and fundamentally shifted my priorities in terms of what I am most concerned with. That is, keeping these girls INSIDE, incubating, and healthy for as long as humanly possible. THAT is the priority now. No longer is the priority a vaginal birth (even though I believe it is better for them than a C/S).

I remember a very handsome Landmark Forum leader who had lived a swingin’ single life for 54 years until he got married, speaking about his wedding vows. He talked about “surrendering to what the marriage called for”, not to what he thought was best for the marriage. This pregnancy and birthing process reminds me of that. What’s needed from me now is surrendering to what the babies and THIS birthing process are calling for. Perhaps even surrendering to being a mother–to what is called for for all four of us. Not, just to what I want— even if I believe it’s in their best interest. I am no longer solo or even just partnered with Gina. I am now a mother of two. And so I choose to surrender to what is being called for by my family, not just to what I want. In that, my resistance dissolves. Though my stand for us all holds strong. 

The Final Shift
I won’t go into too much detail here but I’ll suffice to say that just in the last week and a half, this pregnancy has gotten REALLY hard physically and emotionally. I’m in pain or uncomfortable all the time (especially at night) and I’m tired and weary from it. I woke up one day and said to myself, Oh, this is the endurance piece they were talking about. This is where I really need to get mentally tough. This is the part where they tell me I may cry everyday because it’s so hard (and I do). 

Some days the pubic symphisis is so painful I can hardly walk. The numbing in my arms and fingers, the pain in my back (etc.), the heaviness, just become too much that by the end of the day, I cry. I need someone with me all the time now to help me make food, pick things up, fetch me water. It’s not always so hard though. Some days I make it out to appointments just fine. Some days I’m smiling  more than others. Some days I need to cancel everything. Some days I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

And then I think of the girls and all the FHM stories (the hard ones and the inspiring successful ones). And in an instant, I know I can do this another month (gulp). At least I think I can. I intend on WILLING myself to do so.

Laying in the bath the other day (which I only do when someone is home now because I’m not always able to get out by myself), I was having a bit of a cry, just releasing really…the pain and weariness of it all. In there, I realized that no matter how much pain I am in, and no matter how much I want my body back and this pregnancy over, I would do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING, to keep theses girls inside, safe and healthy until it’s 100% safe for them to be out in the world.

In that moment, in that precise moment, I became a Mother. I knew it to be as true as anything pure. My tears flowed hot and steady then; they became tears of gratitude and joy that I AM a mother, that I get to be a mother (thanks, in many parts to my mother). Suddenly, I had a sense of what all those moms were talking about when they said,  “Your heart will open and break like you’ve never known before but it’ll be better than anything you can ever imagine.” Surely my heart has opened and broken already in this pregnancy and it’s odd to think that it’ll happen even more, over and over… for the rest of my life. Because now, I am a mother. 

Empowering What’s So
So, being a mother who is only committed to having these babies be born healthy, what trumps all is that they stay in another 3-4 weeks. That is what my attention is on now.

In that, I’m choosing to see the blessing of a “planned C-Section” versus an unplanned C/S, or in rare circumstances (about 1% of births), an emergency C/S (complete anesthesia and “asleep” during the procedure).  Formerly, I had a hard time seeing a C/S as  a “birth”. I only saw it as a surgery. But, in my processing and talking with midwives, doulas, etc. I am choosing to frame it as a birth. It’s still a birth. It’s still a “coming out” for our girls and for Gina and I. It’s a moment of transition that will change all our lives forever. It’s the moment we become a family. Besides, Gina keeps reminding me that we will forever celebrate the girls’  “Birthday” not “Surgeryday”. That Gina. Always thinking. 🙂

Inside this new context, (being grateful I know what’s coming and not being caught off guard with a C/S), We’ve been working with our OB and midwife to make the surgery/birth more sacred, personal, spiritual even. One afternoon in a quite, dim, relaxing room, there amidst the backdrop of both babies’ heartbeats, we gave thanks to our Doc for her skill and her craft. She ensured us that is it an honor that we entrust her with our girls and that she does not take that lightly. That was an important moment for us all. Then, she walked us through the whole thing, step by step and we asked all that we needed to ask.

A week later, we spoke with our midwife about the surgery/procedure and asked her additional questions she would be able to answer for us. How can we ensure skin-skin contact immediately? How can we keep the nurses from rubbing our babies hard until they cry (an old protocol that is antiquated but still practiced due to “old habits”). How can we ensure they are not separated?

The midwife gave me four homeopathic remedies for the prepping for and healing from the surgery. Then she too walked us through a C/S (in her midwife perspective) from start to finish. She helped us be aware of the things we’ll want and need to “stand for” given what she knows about us. She gave Gina some great coaching about how to do that in the OR (operating room).

Skin to Skin
I hate that I’ll be the LEAST connected (physically) from my babies (more than anyone in that OR) at first — that’s prob the second saddest thing to me other than they won’t get the benefits of coming through the birth canal (and nor will I). But I do find solace in that they’ll be held on Gina’s chest (skin to skin) asap and my midwife’s chest (skin to skin) asap. They won’t be on my chest skin to skin at first– even though that is the most natural instinctual place for them to be. If I think about that too long I tear up again. So, my reframe is this: they are being born into a community that loves them. We’ve been assured that the OB C/S team in the OR are passionate about what they do– there because they love the work, not just residents on rotation. I believe our OB and midwife love us and our girls, too. And if I think about it, community is so important to Gina and I, how else would these girls be born? Sorta makes sense in some ways. So, born into a community. A community of medical professionals, not exactly family, but human beings that will keep them safe and love them nonetheless. That’s what I keep telling myself. While it’s a loss that they won’t touch my skin first (so long as they touch mine as soon as possible and every day there after), I am incredibly grateful they’ll get skin to skin right away.

Together
As far as keeping them together… other than immediate skin to skin, that’s my biggest stand for them. The midwife talked to us about that as well– she said they will be separate for a bit (at least 10 minutes) and there is no way around that even if they were born vaginally (she was in the OR when her twin granddaughters were born vaginally). She assured us that while it can be hard to watch them be separated, there are things we can do to make it less traumatic for them upon being pulled out and apart for the first time. She said that I should start talking to them now about their birth and what will happen so they won’t worry (Gina did this just today– it was very sweet). Talking with them the days before their birth will be most important. She suggested I tell them that they are going to be born soon and here’s what it’ll be like. I’ll take my worry about of the space so that they have none. We want for them to know, on a spiritual level, what to expect and that even though they’ll be apart for just a bit, they’ll be back together in moments; that all is well.

I like that. Not only do I believe that they’ll hear me and “get it” but it makes me feel like I am doing all I can from here, as their mother, to make their transition as gentle, sweet and easy as possible. Not the conversations I thought I’d be having with them… but then, nothing about this pregnancy has been predictable. I find myself adjusting to a new reality every day, every week.

And so begins the rest of my life.

* If you care to read, here is an inspiring note from my FHM mentor.

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And of course, the long awaited photos!

30 weeks 2 days (4 weeks ago)

32wks 4days

33wks 5days

33wks 5days-- still no stretch marks. Now it's like a game to see if I can make it all the way without any.

33wks 5days

Swollen Feet Soaking in Herb Bath

That’s all for now. I am so excited to meet these girls and to have them meet all of our loved ones. I am feeling the final emotional transition happening here and am getting so very, very excited.

I’ll be in touch at least once more before the babes arrive.

With so much love and gratitude, 
regina
xo