In our 9th Week (or, 8.5 weeks pregnant)

Posted on April 24, 2011 by Regina

I haven’t written in over a week for two reasons. One, it felt like there wasn’t much new to report (as you’ll see below, I was wrong). Two, I feel like shit.

All week long I think of things I could blog, or things to remember but my energy is just so waned that mostly, it all slips by me. So, I thought I’d give you a few highlights from the week and a few new bits of info I learned since my post last Saturday morning.

Daily Highlights
*If you aren’t really up for reading a daily play by play, scroll to the bottom for notable mentions about the week.  Kinda like in Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone, only different.

Saturday evening
Went out for a “fun” evening on the town with friends. Learned the hard way, I just couldn’t do it. I was sick, tired, back aching. And though it was SO good to get out of the nausea house and be with people that I love and whom make me laugh, it just wasn’t worth the suffering that came with it (nor the “trying not puke out the car window on the way home). Not to mention, when we left early, the friends who didn’t know I was pregnant asked the friends who did know I am pregnant, “Is Regina pregnant?”… leaving my bff’s to dodge a bullet for me. Guess I was a little obvious.

Since then, I learned that I just can’t do evening things right now. In fact, doing most of anything other than work feels crummy so I’ve had to cancel most social plans.  A visit with my friend Linda and the likelihood of seeing my friend Jen run her first marathon. Fortunately, they know I love them and that this will pass.

Sunday
Despite the term morning sickness, I tend to feel best in the morning, well, I have the most energy then anyway. We had a visit with an old friend that morning who had been in Italy since we got our positive results.  We told her we are having two. She was thrilled. Slowly, we’ve been letting more people know about the twins part; it’s been fun to watch their reactions. We’ve seen everything from sheer joy to sheer panic. It’s kinda funny.

Monday
Though my TMJ, headache and backache were hanging on, I went to my morning pre-natal yoga class. The first 45 minutes of check-in make the whole thing worth it. I LOVE hearing from all the other moms-to-be on what’s happening. I also love the support, validation and encouragement I get there. The yoga instructor suggested I see someone for the headache, TMJ and backache… no need to suffer with all that and morning sickness and fatigue she said. Later she gave me a referral. In a wonderful, Portland, small-world story, it turns out that the referral was to the wife of the man that co-rents my office space from me. She works for a place called Whole Mama, Whole Child. And, she was the only person at that clinic (three blocks from our home) that take my insurance. Last but not least, she’s a mother of 16 month old twins. Was this meant to be or what? I got in that day.

She told me that my lower back (sciatica) and pelvis were really out of whack. I think she used the word “thwarted”, but because I’m still in first trimester she couldn’t do a whole lot of major adjusting as those lower back muscles are connected to the uterus and we don’t want to rattle that region too much or give it any cause to contract. Still, she worked it out a bit and my TMJ, too. By the next day I found a bit of relief from the TMJ.

Tuesday
Saw clients and slept.

Gina got an amazing email from her dear friend (my friend too) in SF, Sarah Watanabe who was also really sick with ‘morning sickness’ too. It’s such a sweet email that makes me feel so loved, I had to share with you. The subject line read: regina and those other people who are invading your lives.

so, 

i am assuming you already know way more about what regina needs than i do, but i thought i’d check in just in case and see how it’s going.  my first trimester was truly miserable in every sense and it sounds like she’s going through a lot of the same stuff so i thought i’d share a little advice that would have helped me.
#1, most important thing for a partner to figure out:   it’s difficult for an independent, normally healthy and strong person to ask for help with the simplest things all day long.  she’s probably trying to do more for herself than she needs to and feels a little weird getting you to wait on her.  if you can get it through to her that she should ask for your help as much as possible, great.  if not (or even if you do) you need to anticipate her needs for a while.  she’s probably not even sure what will help anyway so just go ahead and take over if you have to.
it’s easier to prevent the nausea than get rid of it once it sets in.
she should eat a little every 1-2 hours.
bring her tea and water.
if it’s been a while since she’s eaten (like first thing in the morning), try to bring her a little something to eat and drink while she’s laying down.  its when you stand up with an empty stomach that it really hits you.  you can keep it by the bed.
the simplest meals are really difficult to put together when you are really sick.  the 5 minutes it takes to walk to the kitchen and heat something up are really difficult.  if she’s nauseous and exhausted, she might procrastinate doing it and then it gets even worse and nothing will seem appetizing.  make the toast for her.  microwave the oatmeal.  it helps more than you can imagine.
cook some simple wholesome meals but don’t use much seasoning (other than salt and pepper or something). chicken soup with rice and veggies. mashed potatoes.  steamed veggies. keep it simple.  who knows what smells will bother her but i’d stay away from anything greasy, spicy fishy, eggy, garlic or oniony… you know, strong. try to help her get enough protein.  it’s easy to get reliant of cereals, toast, crackers because they are so easy and usually least offensive.
don’t wear fragrances, chew gum with a strong smell or stuff like that.
ok gina.  how are you holding up?  is your mouth still hanging open like in that hilarious video that i watched over and over?
love to you both (all)
-sarah
oh-p.s.  remember the time you were drinking shots of something all night and then we got up at the crack of dawn to go deep sea fishing?  you had coffee and a donut i think and then headed out to sea.  think of how you felt that day and you’ll totally get where she’s coming from.

Wednesday
Went in for acupuncture to Liz R.  I told her all my ailments, including an excessive worry that had gotten a hold on me for 2 days straight. It was like a vice grip around my throat I couldn’t shake.

She gave me lots of love, got me on the table and fixed me right up. One particular needle in my left calf felt like fire. Fire! In all my years, never had a needle hurt so bad….or work so good. I went home and took a nap. By that evening, I had more energy and less nausea than I’d had in weeks. And my worry didn’t have the grip it had before. In fact, I felt calm and peace. It was like a miracle! The next day was a bit better and by Friday, I was feeling pretty sick again. She gave me a hand out on morning sickness and some new ways (that I hadn’t yet heard of) to help with it (one being apple cider vinegar and honey… if I can stomach it, I’ll try it).

I know that if you aren’t sick, it’s hard to remember what it feels like to be sick. I’d tried to describe it to Gina or friends and felt I often failed. Then I read the opening line of the handout: here is what is says.

“Nausea during pregnancy is often dismissed as a minor disorder of pregnancy. However, as it can be compared to the experience of having persistent food poisoning it is not something that one would volunteer to endure for 12-16 weeks.”

That’s it! That is exactly it! It’s like having food poisoning… all the time. Day after day, week after week, month after month. Which explains why I hardly want to talk on the phone or be social- imagine trying to carry on a fun little chat in the midst of your last food poisoning episode. Crazy right? That helped me to be a little easier on myself and take more liberty with taking care of myself.

Thursday
Still felt some nice effects of the previous day’s acupuncture so I made a bunch of calls, saw clients, did some work that had been getting passed by, smiled (A lot!) and then pooped out and was full on sick (nausea) again.

Friday
The sun came out! Hallelujha!

Interviewing docs
Gina and I met with and interviewed a midwife who works in a hospital who does twins (not an easy thing to find). We liked her a lot but at the end of the day, no one really has the experience with twins like my current OB. She’s willing to do vaginal birth even if baby B is in breech position (many docs won’t simply because they don’t have the experience with it and there can be some risks) but, she also won’t hesistate to do surgery if it’s what’s called for. She seems to be the right mix of both standing for the birth we want and being really big on the safety of the mama and baby (makes Gina very happy). In addition, I can use the midwife we originally wanted as the two women have an already existing partnership together. Despite some personality concerns I have about the OB, (more about a “fit” with us than anything horrible about her) I think we’ll get the best of both worlds if we go this route. We are still asking around for referrals but that’s the direction we are leaning.

Meeting new Mom’s of Multiples (MOM’s, turns out they are called)
After the midwife appointment we stopped at Whole Foods for lunch. While standing at the salad bar, Gina spotted a mom with a double Bob (double stroller). Twins. Later she stood right by me and I struck up a conversation. I told her, “We’re pregnant with twins” and she just about jumped up and down with excitement telling us how great it is, how wonderful twins are and how it’s really not as bad as people make it out to be (well, apart from the first 4 months she later admitted with a smile). She seems about my age and turns out she used the same clinic, ORM that we did. She gave us her contact info and encouraged us to call her with any questions we have. I feel like we’ve joined a new private club where all the members are over the moon happy. 🙂 Parents of twins think it’s the best thing ever and consider it a blessing. We are letting ourselves catch their vibe and are getting more and more excited about our double blessing.

I spent the rest of the day in the sun reading a book. I realize that when I’m totally lost in a book, I feel the nausea less. Hurray! Had to cancel dinner plans though cuz after taking a shower I just about fell asleep standing and the reprieve from the nausea I’d felt earlier all caught up with me in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t about the make the same mistake as the week before.

Saturday
Sun again! And this time warm, too. Gina and I ignored the messy house that has been less tended to than usual and packed our bags and food then headed east for a picnic in a state park. We meandered for a while, stopping to view the breathtaking scenery of the Columbia Gorge, giant waterfalls, a pristine white Mt. Hood against a gorgeous blue sky and trees in so many shades of green it seemed unreal. Finally, we stopped, made a little spot in the sun and shade, spread a blanket and enjoyed the afternoon. Pema made her way to join us which was such a treat. Again, by the riverbank and in nature and the sun, I had a few hours of reprieve from the nausea. It was so great.

In fact, I had a two interesting moments sans feeling pukey. One was, “Shit! I hope I’m still pregnant (nausea tends to be a good sign of a healthy pregnancy, though not always as hormones can last long after a fetus  may no longer be alive…but we try not to think about that too much…). And then later, as opposite as could be, whilst staring at the sparkles on the water, in a surreal sort of moment I thought, “Wow. So this is what it feels like to be pregnant, to feel life in me. I’ve wanted to know for years and here we are, here it is. This is it! It feels awesome! No wonder women who aren’t sick love being pregnant! I love this! We are so blessed with TWO! How’d we get so lucky? Please stick and stay babies. Please. You are loved and welcomed here so much.” It was a lovely moment I think I’ll remember for a long time.

By 5:30, like clockwork, I was sick again.

Sunday
Easter!

I woke up with the metallic taste in my mouth that I’m now accustomed to but noticed before I was even fully conscious that this was not going to be a a good day like the last two. I was immediately and intensely nauseas. I managed for a few hours until all the sudden and out of the blue I ran to the bathroom. As if in honor of the Christian Holiday, I resurrected the cheesy egg breakfast Gina had made for me–violently and disgustingly– all while she was showering (poor girl, can you imagine?). Someday, we’ll laugh about that. Today is not that day… well, okay, maybe a little laugh today. 🙂

Crappy as I felt, I just wanted out of the house so after I napped we went to see Water for Elephants. A book I’d read and loved a few years back.

Now we are home. I’m on the couch with both the cats snuggled up on me. Gina made a really good fire and is in the kitchen now making dinner (bland, steamed green beans and mashed potatoes… hey, it’s what works).

I have a big week ahead of me with securing and finalizing a new office space, giving my talk at Nike to 150 women and hopefully finalizing our OB/midwife team.

Noteworthy mentions about the week
* I counted at least 4 times that a doc, midwife or health practitioner told me that having twins makes for really bad morning sickness (double the hormones). Then again, the woman we met in Whole Foods (mother of twins) wasn’t sick at all… so, go figure.

* This pregnancy has brought Gina and I so much closer… has us in such a sweet spot. I must be miserable to be around and she is nothing short of a saint. She tells me the only annoying thing is when I keep apologizing for feeling bad. When I’m moody she ignores it and kisses my forehead, when I’m not drinking enough she brings me water, when I need food, she feeds me. She says it’s because she’s good in a crisis but all I can feel is how much she loves me. It’s a seriously sweet side effect of this surprising first trimester. In fact, it’s like someone cast a spell on me… every time I look at her, I feel an overwhelming amount of love pouring from my heart to her, for her.

*I’ve been singing to the babies. I sing regular lullabies (making them fit for two babies and not one) and I then I make up songs. In the shower. 🙂  Songs that have lyrics like, “…and even though I’m so sick, I love you so, so, so/I’d suffer far more, ten times over just to have you with us though….” usually I try to make it rhyme and go to some sort of tune like “You are My Sunshine”.  It doesn’t always turn out well but I think the babies like it. Occasionally I can hear Gina laughing from the other room.

* The next ultra sound is a week from tomorrow, Monday, May 2nd. I’ll be in my 10th week, close to the 11th. If all looks good there, we’ll start telling the world. It’s odd to still be carrying such a secret (and honestly, more than three people this week alone have guessed). I’m really looking forward to that ultrasound. It seems like a long wait, this three week chunk and while we have only a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point, I still will feel so much more calm and feel this is all so much more real after than next ultrasound.

 

Posted in First Trimester, Hormones, Learning, Love and Gratitude | Leave a comment

Fessing up: It’s really not a bed of roses.

Posted on April 16, 2011 by Regina

It’s been a little while since I’ve written last. Truth is, I’ve been so sick and tired I just haven’t had the energy. It’s all I can do to see clients and figure out what I’m going to eat every three hours. Mornings tend to be best (despite the ubiquity of the totally inaccurate term “morning sickness”) and so, I’m excited to get to write a bit and share with you here on this damp, cloudy Saturday morning.

The Twin Thing
Well, yeah. Quite a shock, eh? If you’ve seen the video you know that my eyes saw the two embryos long before my mind registered it. I can honestly say, I have never been so dumbfounded/gobsmacked/shocked in my life.

In fact, that first day of just telling y’all 1×1 was fairly surreal. Most of you asked me how I felt about it and got a fairly vacant response like, “Well, I don’t know. I guess it’s good. Seems like a lot.” Followed by a lot of silence. But as the day wound down my  emotions surfaced and it became clear that truly, I was scared shitless. I came down with an intense case of TMJ that was so painful by 10pm that the shooting pain in my ear could stop me in my tracks.

The next morning, I saw my chiropractor for my TMJ and then called a wonderful Somatics and Trauma therapist I know from Hidden Lake. She is such a wonderful healer and as luck would have it, the mother of twins. As soon as I called her she heard something funny in my voice and asked if I was okay. Of course, I immediately burst into tears… “I’m sick and tired all the time, feels like I constantly have the flu, my boobs and lower back are killing me, I have this TMJ that is out of control and, and… I know I’m suppose to be happy about this but I just found out I’m having twins and…” (and then I just broke down crying).

Judith was amazing. She loved me up and told me to come on out there that day for a session. For those not living in Portland, I’ll share briefly, the weather has been brutal. It’s been gray, rainy and cold since November. We had about 30 days of gray in a row, but on this day, there was a bit of a sun break– truly a blessing from above. I made the gorgeous 45min drive out to Eagle creek with my packed lunch in tow and bent my friend Krista’s ear on the phone half the way.

By the time I got there I could feel the anticipation of letting all this pain and shock go. Judith and I sat in the sunroom and I cried, a lot. She validated my experience in so many ways. She shared her own shock when she learned she was carrying twins as well. For years she had been communing with her “baby” and this just seemed impossible and so NOT what she had dreamed or imagined or lived into. That’s exactly how it was for me! In fact, the day of the transfer when Gina and I were “putting back 2 embryos” (higher chance of pregnancy, we’d come this far, docs and staff all recommended two, etc.) I said to Gina, “It’s okay, honey. We can put in two because I KNOW we are going to just have one.” No joke. That is exactly what I said. I thought I could “feel” it. I was SO SURE. But, like everything else along this journey, where I once thought I could trust my intuition and my body I no longer can. And then in other ways, my intuition is even stronger. It’s like getting to know a whole new me.

Judith used to run two support groups for parents expecting multiples, called “Multiple Expectations” out of St. Vincent and Emmanuel hospitals. Did I get lucky or what? She assured me that in all her years, with all her parents, she hadn’t met one mama who wasn’t going through the shock and grief that I was. “It’s a dirty little secret”, she told me, “that they either forget or don’t talk about… but they all go through it. Once you are on the other side, you are going to LOVE having twins, but right now, just let yourself be here in the shock and the grief. Grieve the dream you had of holding, nursing and giving all your attention to one baby, having a home birth, using a midwife… don’t rush this part of the process. You’ll be overjoyed soon enough. For now, let yourself just be here.” It was the most sage, powerful, wonderful counsel I could have heard. And I took it to heart.

By the time the session was done my TMJ pain had gone from an 8 to a 4 and by the next morning as I was at a 2. I just kept releasing the shock and grief and my jaw followed suit. Something else cool happened, too. I started to feel connected to these little beings inside me. I started to think about how they chose to come in together, to be siblings, to have Gina and I as their mamas. My heart began to open and I began to feel a new dream emerging. That felt wonderful and vulnerable all at the same time. Now there are two babies to open my heart to, two to love and worry about and I suddenly felt twice as vulnerable. And so the roller-coaster goes.

Health
So, to say this week was big and wore me out is a gross understatement. I’m at 7.5 weeks now and wonder how I’ll make it  through another 5-7 weeks of this first trimester nausea. The women in my pre-natal yoga class who are in 2nd and 3rd trimesters who have really suffered from ‘morning sickness’ totally get this and it’s validating and affirming. They assure me it will pass and I’ll feel like new woman, to just hang on, stay home as much as possible and sleep.

My hormone levels are rising now as my body begins to make it’s own progesterone from the placentas (yes, double the hormones, likely why mamas of multiples tend to feel more sick). So, even though I’ve come off the synthetic meds, my levels are now higher than they were back at the last blood-test when they were so high and they took me off the estradiol.

Either the hormones or the TMJ (stress) are giving me a pounding headache this past week and the things I normally did for relaxation are no longer available to me right now (bath, wine, massage) so I’m trying to find other things: laughing, walks, yoga, audio relaxation cds, talking to my babies, or sometimes I just go to sleep hoping to get a break from feeling so crummy.

I’m pretty much sick from dawn to dusk. Ironically, I feel a small reprieve from the nausea in the morning for about an hour. But then, a few days ago, I threw up during that hour, so go figure. It’s hit or miss really. I’m exhausted all the time and my social life has gone in the crapper which is fine for now. I’m having to reschedule weekend plans and social visits, trips.  All I do is work part-time, eat, sleep. Certain rooms and articles of clothing are associated with the nausea now. I call them “the nausea pants” or “the nausea room”– it’s kinda funny. I’m doing all kinds of things for the nausea: sea bands on my wrists, acupuncture weekly, homeopathic tincture, lemon, ginger, water, eating bit of food all the time, sucking on things.. truth is, it all helps a bit but nothing really takes away the feeling that I either have the flu or am hungover all the time. Day after day, week after week.

My boobs hurt beyond belief– especially at night so I found a light sleeping bra and it’s helped tremendously. I actually get a better night sleep.

My lower back has been funky this week, kind of sciatica like, sometimes pinching all the way down the back of my thigh. Clearly it’s not from carrying extra weight but rather from the hormone that is being released in my body called ‘relaxin’, designed to help my bones and muscles sort of soften and stretch in preparation for birth.

Feeling so nauseas makes eating a bit of a drag and a chore. It’s so strange to go from being such a foodie to “nothing sounds good and most things sound bad”. I’m totally off meat, can’t even stand the thought of it, so getting protein is a bit challenging. I’m not craving sugar or crap food at all so that’s good. I eat a tone of carbs and fruit. Then beans, nuts, cottage cheese, etc. Eggs are hit and miss. I’m way too tired to cook for myself. Gina has been managing all my food. Finally it occurred to me to ask for even a bit more help. My dearest Pema came over last night and she and Gina whipped up two soups, and all kinds of fresh green bean, sweet potato and other healthy meals and snacks for me. I just sat in a chair and watched while they drank wine, talked, laughed and cooked. We all shared a bowl a soup and by 9:30 I couldn’t keep my eyes opened. I went to bed and they cleaned the kitchen together.

It was an incredible stretch for me to not help and just walk away. NOT in my DNA but these babies are making me a new person. They come first, period. There IS no option to stay in the kitchen and help, I can’t even though I want to. It’s like I’ve been taken over by a new mama-self that is only focused on keeping my babies healthy via taking care of my body. It’s primal. Gina seems to get that more intuitively than I do (how lucky am I?!) and steps up everywhere to take over what I can’t… and simply, most of the time, to just take care of me.

My Mood
Despite that fact that I have never felt so many ailments at once in my life or felt so crappy, I am happier than I could ever have imagined. We are getting TWO babies!!! It’s an odd paradox but there it is. In my reporting above, my intention is to share the reality of what changes are happening day to day but I do not want to leave you without a full complete picture. I am miserable physically and over the moon in my heart (even in the face of feeling vulnerable and scared). I feel incredibly taken care of by Gina– in fact, I’ve never felt so cared for in my life. It’s surreal and wonderful and amazing.

Telling
As we get toward the end of the first trimester we are slowly telling a few more people each week. This week we told a friend who has twins. She was so happy she cried. Then we told my dad, who also cried, and my step-sister Pam who was giddy beyond belief. Telling people begins to make it more real, but still feels a bit scary given we are not out of the “danger zone”. I’ll feel another layer of relief and exhale when we get that next ultra sound, Monday, May 2nd.

Belly Pics
Because I’ve got two little ones in there my belly is growing a little faster than the average “singleton” baby belly. Already in my 8th week I can’t button my pants. I’ve got a belly band but it doesn’t really feel that great- maybe better when I get bigger. So for now, I’m doing the “rubber band trick” that my mama-friend Krista taught me. Also, my book recommended this be the week we start photographing/charting my belly growth via pics. So, here you go. Mostly, it’s just a big bloated belly from all the hormones but, it’s growing nonetheless. I’m including a pic of my belly a few months before we started IVF so you can see how it used to look in comparison.

Pre-pregnancy (and pre-IVF) belly

7 Weeks Preggers

7 Weeks Preggers

Rubber Band Trick

Posted in Because We're Two Chicks, Believing, First Trimester, Hormones, Learning, Love and Gratitude | Leave a comment

Are You Seeing What I’m Seeing?

Posted on April 11, 2011 by Regina

*Make sure your audio is turned up for this.

Are You Seeing What I’m Seeing?

 

And for those of you who can’t stream this video, well then, just look closely at this ultrasound pic.

Friends and Family, Meet Baby A and Baby B.

We are still in a state of shock as you might image! We are happy, elated, daunted, scared. We went from trying for so long to have even just one and now we are blessed with two! It’s taking some time to wrap our heads around and already we are inundated with new information, new docs, new choices, new due date (November 16th), it’s a “whole new pregnancy”, Dr. H said.

I’ll write more and share the whole she-bang but for now, just wanted to share the amazing news!

Big love,
regina + gina
xo

Posted in Eggs and Embryos, First Trimester, Firsts, Love 'n Stuff, Love and Gratitude, What the ? | 2 Comments

No wonder!

Posted on April 8, 2011 by Regina

Took my blood test this morning and got a call back this afternoon…. no wonder I’ve been so sick!

They want to see the estradiol (estorgen) level above 600. Mine came in at 1,914. That’s right, read it again: 1,914. That’s more than 3x the normal range!!! In Caitlin’s message she said, “Your estradiol level came back really high and that can make you feel pretty nauseated, for sure.”

I am to stop taking the estridol pills immediately. Hurray! And, if the nausea continues (like throwing up my yogurt in the sink this morning) I am to take 75-100mg of vitamin B6 for three days then skip a day and start again. I can also take a Unisom at night if needed (I don’t think I will). If, goddess forbid, that didn’t work, they will prescribe Zofran, an anti-nausea medicine for me (again, don’t think it’ll come to that).

By the way, my progesterone came back at 70 (harder to test it in the blood stream because I’m only doing the suppositories now so it’s likely even a bit higher down in my uterus). They like to see progesterone level above 40 but don’t mess with it (i.e. have me take less) until the ultrasound. No problemo! That’s only 2.5 days away now (but who’s counting?)!

Okey dokes… I’m off to enjoy the sun and a lovely gingerbeer.

Posted in Drugs and Medications, First Trimester, Hormones, What the ? | 2 Comments

Hormone Highway

Posted on April 7, 2011 by Regina

Hormone Soup
I am so, so happy to be pregnant! I’m currently in my 7th week (6 weeks, 2 days pregnant). And, I’m sick as a dog. I’m not throwing up but I’ve dry heaved, gagged and stood over the toilet more times in the past week than perhaps in all my life combined. When I’m not doing any of the above, I feel a low, mid or high level nausea all the time. It seems like ages ago that I loved food. Now, nothing looks good and most things look bad. I sort of force myself to eat because I need to, sometimes I just can’t really get it down.

I’m doing ginger, acupuncture and homeopathy tinctures along with most of the other little tricks I’ve learned. They help some but really just a tiny bit, for a tiny while– which I suppose, is better than nothing. Our midwife (whom we met and fell in love with this past Monday) was great. She reminded me that inside my body right now, I’m a giant hormone soup. And that’s what it feels like, too.

In the Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, the author jests about “morning sickness” a) not being just in the morning at all (which is so true) and b) it should more aptly be called “progesterone poisoning”. Last night I almost forgot to take my estrogen and progesterone, laying in bed when I remembered and thought about taking them I got a huge wave of nausea and almost threw up (even typing and thinking about it now makes me queasy).  In that moment, it occurred to me that maybe it’s not just a joke, “progesterone poisoning”. Maybe, because I’m still taking supplemental progesterone and estrogen during the time that my body begins to make lots of it’s own I’m getting a double dose? In other words, my body has too many hormones in my hormone soup.

So, I called Caitlin today and ran my theory by her. She concurred that it’s entirely possible that’s why I feel so sick (particularly the estrogen, she said). I asked if I could take a blood test tomorrow to see if my estrogen and progesterone were too high. If my levels show high, they’ll either take me off the meds or reduce them. If my levels are not too high, she’ll keep me on the meds but prescribe an anti-nausea med for me to take. Even though I go in on Monday for the ultrasound and routine bloodwork, the thought of feeling so sick the next 4 days was too much, so I’m all fingers crossed for being able to easy off the synthetic meds and let my body do it’s thang so I can get a bit of respite this weekend. Stay tuned!

PMS Wife + Pregnant Wife = Bad Mix
Gina has been super amazing for me. It’s humbling and feels so good all at once. This morning I had a small respite from my nausea and jumped on the chance to make her food for once in the last week or so. We sat down to what would have been a lovely breakfast and over nothing at all got in a quarrel. Oh, not a big deal but not fun. I felt so super upset (thank you hormones) and she was, well, how she gets when she’s pre-menstrual. In the shower (why do all my revelations happen there?) it occurred to me for all the wonderful benefits of being two chicks in a relationship, occasionally there’s a downside and we were looking at it dead-on. We kissed and made up and went about our equally but different hormonal days.

Current Pregnancy Symptoms Include (I have pregnancy symptoms!!!!!)
The nausa is the thing that I’m most present to but here are the other pregnancy symptoms that I am experiencing. Again, it’s all kind of fun given I’ve waited to so long to feel all these things. So odd to feel so happy to feel so bad.

Backache, leg cramps

Uterine cramping

Incredibly Mood Swingy (today it seemed like everyone was a jerk until I realized I was the common denominator, which only pissed me off more)

Tired, tired, tired. Even when I nap, I’m still tired

Insomia at night and early morning

Police-Dog nose (I swear I can smell things from blocks away. And almost everything smells like mold or mildew, including Sookie)

Sore boobies (along with other boobie changes that shall remain private- suffice to say, the moms reading this know)

Sensitive teeth and gums

Just plain ole’ sensitive (I cry at everything including when I’m sitting in the midwife’s office or watching Pia being kicked off of American Idol)

Peeing all the time, I go about 5-7 times a night. It’s crazy!

Pregnancy brain  (I thought this was just something that happens late in the game. From what I’m reading and experiencing, it’s not. Turns out to be quite embarrassing whilst co-leading a healing women’s group)

Yahoo!!!!!!

This weekend, our dear friends Karen Seto, her husband Rob and their son, Jing come to town. Years ago, when they were out here for a visit, they sat on our couch and told us they were pregnant. We are so excited to tell them this time that we are too!

 

 

Posted in Because We're Two Chicks, Drugs and Medications, First Trimester, Hormones | Leave a comment

Learning the Ropes

Posted on April 3, 2011 by Regina

It’s amazing how something only the size of a poppy seed (now perhaps anywhere from a sesame seed to a rice crispy) can wreak so much havock on body. I’m settling into a bit of a rhythm with being pregnant; getting used to being tired (and planning ahead to nap), hungry (and packing food wherever I go- mostly to keep me from being nauseated), and taking all my pills, potions and suppositories as part of the continued IVF protocol (to last until about week 8). I am moving from the disbelief to awe. What I’m not quite used to is the hormones and what they are doing to my body.

Last Wednesday I got a call from a long-time client. She never calls in the middle of the day so I knew something was up. When I answered I could hear strain and tears and even panic in her voice. She was in the car driving from So Cal to SF to be with her 28 year old niece who had, just that morning, lost her full-term baby. On Sunday the baby was kicking a lot, by Tuesday when she had her next and final OB appointment, her baby was dead. I was shocked and saddened, to say the least. I coached her through it, loved her up and when I got off the phone I felt like I wanted to throw up. But, the day went on and I finished with other clients and other work and tried not to focus on it.

Thursday morning I woke up  convinced my baby embryo was dead. Sure of it. I woke up depressed. Not just a bit down or under the weather but like I’ve never felt before. Like, wow, this must be how people who have depression feel. Embarrassingly, in the past I’ve been one of those people who had compassion for those with depression but always thought that if you could just generate, or focus on gratitude or be in the right actions/do the right personal work you could, at the very least, climb your way out of it. (When I told that to Gina over dinner Thursday night, she said, “Feelin’ like a bit of a schmuck not aren’t ya?” And I was). I now have much greater compassion for people who have depression-  chronically.

To try and feel better that Thursday morning, I got in the shower even though I didn’t need one. In there, I could feel the emotion building. By the time I stepped out, I started bawling. I couldn’t even hold it back. There I stood, wet and dripping and in a moment, I heard the front door unlock and open. Gina came in, took one look at me and (God love her) thought something bad had happened. Neither of us said the “m” word, but I knew immediately she was afraid I had miscarried again.  So I quickly told her (with the towel wrapped around me like a little girl), “I’m just crying and I don’t know why…” This was followed by more sobs. She wrapped her arms around me, not caring if her suit got ruined for work that day, and just held me until I quieted.

Later that day, I indulged my desire to climb under the covers and stay warm. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of bed and go see clients,  I felt hopeless. Blue. Down. Apathetic. Fatigued beyond fatigue. I hadn’t yet put together my client’s traumatic loss on Wednesday and my dark cloud on Thursday. It took Gina to point that out in bed Thursday night.

By Friday morning, the cloud lifted a bit thanks to good lovin’, lots of tears and religiously listening to my first trimester affirmation audios.

Friday promised to be a fun day. I had a call with a colleague that I love. My friend Sonja was popping over with her baby Lucas to give a congratulatory hug that had been long awaited, I was scheduled to attend a house meeting for the office space I rent, I had my first pre-natal yoga class and, finally, I had plans to hang with my mama-friend Krista, whom I hadn’t seen in ages!

The talk with the colleague was awesome. Time with Sonja and Lucas amazing, as always (and that congratulatory hug was totally joyful). The house meeting? Not so great. I was ready to talk about everyone pitching in to hire a house cleaner when the landlord busted out with, “I need to evict you all. I’m a product of the recession and my business is failing. I simply need the house back. You have 30 days from today.” Shit. After my initial shock, I went back to my home office and started looking for a new space. Right now it just seems like a major pain- I just got settled, LOVE the space (and the guy I sublet it to), business is growing. Oh, and I just got pregnant! But, there must be a silver lining and I am determined to find it.

By early evening, I headed out to my first pre-natal yoga class (ironically just around the corner from my office space, taunting me with the recent blow). When I got there however, I was transported into a soft space with candles, bamboo floors and women with HUGE bellies. I spoke with the teacher, Anne, who is about 5 foot tall on a good day and the kindest soul I’ve met in long time. She asked my pregnancy history and I told her. I felt sheepish for being in the class so “early along”. In fact, I even lied about how far along I am. I said 6 weeks when really I was just 2 days over 5. How funny is that?! Later I told truth and even later in the evening had a good laugh with Krista about it. But the women were awesome and totally supportive, regardless of how early I was attending- encouraging even. We went around 1×1 and shared our names, due dates (I HAVE A DUE DATE!!!) and any other pertinent info (sex of baby and what kind of birth we plan to have). Without my even mentioning I felt depressed earlier in the week, the teacher shared with me that she “had a dark cloud over her the entire first trimester but that by the second, it just lifted.” How did she know to say that? It was so affirming. I’m on a new ride and it occurred to me then (again), my job is to surrender.

When it was my turn to share, I told them that it had taken five years and a few miscarriages. Three out of the five other women shared that they too had miscarriages which was so great for me to see them now only weeks away from having their babies. I can do this! I also included the part about IVF. I noticed that I was embarrassed to say the IVF part out loud (particularly in such an all natural, organic environment) BUT, I’m on a mission to take the shame out of getting medical assistance when needed and making it so that every woman has her needs met and feels nothing but proud and good about being pregnant. And if there is one thing I’ve learned from being gay is that just telling it like it is and not hiding or being ashamed IS what gives us (all) freedom. The truth shall set us free. And so I spoke.

One thing I learned is that no matter how great and amazing people are, everyone has an opinion about all things related to babies and birth. “You are having a home birth aren’t you?” they all asked. I replied that I had always planned on it but it’s 5 years later, I’m 38 may have twins and that I’d just have to see what feels right for us now. “There is a midwife in town who will down twin homebirths you know.” I told her that yes, I knew and that we happen to have an appointment with her on Monday, still we’d see. No one was ill intentioned, in fact, quite the opposite… it’s just a new world and I’m clearly learning the ropes.

In the end, the class was so fed me…I needed to be with these women; feeling their pregnant vibes, seeing how my body not only will grow but through yoga, how it will get strong in new ways specifically designed to have a powerful labor (however I/we choose to have it). It was also amazing to be so heard by all these women who are on the other side of the first trimester and were more than happy to validate every little part of my experience. To boot, the music was awesome, guided imagery was moving and I loved and included in this community that I’ve so longed to be a part of. In short, it was powerful and perfect timing.

Dinner with Krista just kept that vibe flowing. She has to be THE HAPPIEST person for me/us (maybe right next to my mom). And that’s sayin’ a lot cuz I know every single of you are super-duper, cry for us kind of happy. Krista LOVES being a mom and loved being pregnant. She’s been on the Nursing Mother’s Counsel since her first born and been on this journey with us all the way. Though we had talked on the phone, this was the first time we’d seen each other since I learned I was pregnant. She hugged me and cried and cheered and even rubbed my baby belly! Then, over her real margarita and my virgin mango margarita (almost just as good!) we caught up for hours. She shared her pregnancy and birth stories with me and listened to every little bit of pregnancy so far. It was the perfect way to end the day.

Despite some rough parts of the week, the love, friendship and community parts always outweigh it all in the end, don’t they?

Seems like a theme here in this blog, but I just can’t say enough how grateful I am for the power of my community, my friends, and most of all for my amazing wife.

Posted in Believing, First Trimester, Friends, Hormones, Love and Gratitude, What the ? | Leave a comment

Good + Sweet

Posted on March 29, 2011 by Regina

We’ve got a bunch of good news and a bunch of sweet news. Which do you want first?

Good News
Okay, the good news. Blood-work came back and it’s “wonderful”, says Caitlin! As a reminder, I went in this morning to have my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels given they significantly lowered my progesterone due to the nasty rash. My last progesterone check (4 days ago) was at 80, they said it could go down to 60 and I’d be fine. Today, even with my being on only about half the amount I was previously on, my progesterone measured 84. This is great in that it means my body is likely making it’s own, too.

Even more exciting though is that my beta test (hCG) came back nice and high- again! I swear it’s almost like hearing that first “positive” test all over again. It’s just so damn exciting! The hCG should double every 2-3 days. My last test was 4 days ago so we were looking for my numbers to be about 2248 today. My beta came back at 2501. Yahoo! Each time my numbers keep coming back even higher than the “target” number. I love it! Even though I know in my gut this pregnancy is viable and will stick, Gina and I both notice how we still get nervous when time goes by without info and/or there is a blood test coming (all morning holding our breath). Then when we get good news we feel super relieved for days after… until we start getting nervous again. 🙂 Turns out information calms us both. Unfortunately, now we really do need to wait. 12 days and counting until the first ultrasound.

In yet more good news, my rash is so, so much better. I almost made it through the whole night last night and I’m only itchy/painful today when I sit or bump my bum. The rash is gone from my back and starting to fade from my legs. The intense part on my bum (where it started) will probably take 2-4 weeks to go away completely but it’s showing signs of healing. Yah!

Cramping still remains less as well and it doesn’t make me quite as nervous now. My ovaries feel pinchy every now and then. Caitlin says this is from the swelling going down post IVF. As they “settle” they can pinch a bit. It’s all good. Yes!

Sweet News
Are you ready for the sweet news? It’s like honey, I tell ya.

Last night, Gina and I went to dinner at our dear friend, Kerry’s home. She made us a home cooked meal (spring pea risotto with bacon and later homemade gelato). Right?! She’s a rockstar business-women and single mom so to watch her prepare food for us with such care and in celebration of us was just so sweet and humbling. She also gave us our first gift for our baby’s nursery! I’m so hormonal, I’m all tears. It was so, so sweet- definitely cured my grumpiness. We put the gift on the baby alter.

Gift from Kerry

Our Baby Alter

 

The next morning I woke up and dug into three big boxes that another dear friend (Jen) had shipped me across the county almost 3 years ago. Inside? All her first (and only) baby’s clothing, shoes, caps, blankets, and then all her pregnancy and birthing books, nursing pads, baby-wraps, you name it, it was there. As I pulled out the clothes, I remembered seeing her daughter in many of them. The thought of our little baby getting to share in and delight in those goods of hers just warms my heart. Then, holding those teeny-tiny little socks and baby hats… it’s just surreal that we are going to have a baby. I am still in awe.

One of the three boxes of clothes and books from Jen.

 

Just a little light reading...most all of these books are from friends, the bottom 4 from Jen.

We have a neighbor, Joelle who is a single mom with a sweet, sweet 11 year old boy, Sam. We love them dearly. Joelle is a mom who also did not come to pregnancy easy and finally got lucky at 40 with Sam. She and Sam share with us always, that they pray for us all the time. And I know they do, too. About a year ago Joelle gave me a little pregnant lady pin as a “well wish” for us and our baby alter. “It’s just until you get pregnant…” she said. So, we went and sought her out yesterday and gave her back the pin and simply said, “Here you go. We don’t need this anymore.” She didn’t know whether to be sad that we had given up our plight or what. But then she saw our grins and her eyes went wide. She was in disbelief, too (but clearly still not sure). Like she really, REALLY wanted to be happy for us but was afraid to. Finally we said, “We’re pregnant!” and she was so happy she teared up, hugged us and just burst with joy. She hollered to Sam who was in full soccer garb, about ready to run inside, “Sam! One of the three of us is pregnant and it’s not me!” Sam came running over and had this HUGE grin on his face. We thanked him for his prayers. We told him that we believed that he and his mom’s prayers really helped us. He just beamed. It was amazing. He gave me a big hug (which hurt my sore, pregnant boobs but who cares!) and said, “Congratulations!” His joy was so pure as was hers… it’s been floating me ever since.

So see? Good and sweet, right? If I ever write a book from these crazy adventures maybe that’ll be a chapter. Good + Sweet. Yah. I like it.

Posted in Believing, First Trimester, Firsts, Friends, Hormones, Love and Gratitude | Leave a comment

Protecting My New Resident(s)

Posted on March 27, 2011 by Regina

So, that big fat angry rash on my back side has only gotten worse. It’s more red, more inflamed and it’s spread: now up my 3/4 of my back and down my legs from my yoni to my calves, it’s like a party on my skin for this damn fungus. To boot, I’ve now got a cold sore on my mouth and a few other blistery kinds of things on my hands. Fever is bad, bad, bad in early pregnancy so I’m taking tylenol to avoid that. All in all, the rash keeps me from sleeping at night (especially early morning hours) which isn’t good because my sleep is already compromised from the cramping and peeing all night long. Though I am SO grateful to be pregnant, at the risk of sounding ungrateful, it’s pretty miserable.

I’m trying to stay calm but it’s all little bit stressful (even the good stress of being pregnant has an impact my doc says). I’ve been on phone with multiple docs every day since Wednesday (today is Sunday). Finally, after 5 days of everyone being totally stumped, to incorrect prescriptions that only made the rash worse, I finally have a correct diagnosis, some insight and a plan.

What I’ve deduced so far…
1. About a year ago, Gina accidentally gave me tinea versicolor. Despite the fact that skin stuff is incredibly difficult to treat, I’ve been doing a pretty good job keeping at at bay by treating it naturally (via my Naturpath doc, Liz Wallace) since then. Still, I never totally wiped it out.

2.  Progesterone is a naturally occurring hormone in the body of a pregnant women. It helps suppress the immune system so that our bodies don’t attack our new little resident(s). For those of us 35 and older, progesterone levels can drop quite a bit so one way to keep an “older” woman pregnant (and keep from miscarrying) is to supplement her progesterone; hence the progesterone shots I’m taking each night and suppositories I take throughout the day.

3. In pregnancy, about 1/3 of women will have a hyperstimulated responses to this natural immune suppressant (whether they do IVF or not) causing outbreaks of all kinds of weird things in their bodies can no longer be bothered to suppress. Apparently, I’m one of the lucky ones.

What all this means…
My body was a big rash waiting to happen. With the massive amounts of progesterone going through my body, the rash (and any thing else that was going on in my body naturally- ie. the herpes virus/cold sore/fever blister) didn’t stand a chance. In a sense this is good, because my tiny passengers are well protected. The bad news is that me and my body are suffering. Already, I think, I’m learning what it means to be a mother.

The Plan
It’s a plan I feel somewhat good about. I say somewhat because it involves more chemicals and western meds than I’d like but they seem to be pretty benign so I’m gonna go for it because as the tending ORM doc said today, “…the stress of all this along with the inflammation is potentially far worse for an early pregnancy than the meds you’ll take to help you.”

1. First I’ll take an antihistimine so that I can reduce the swelling and get some relief (and rest).

2. Second, I am to use a topical anti-fungal cream to eradicate the rash (the first time we put it on we quickly realized that I might as well just bath in it we had to cover so much of my body and that our one little tube was likely only going to last us a day or two).

3. Third, the tending doc (at ORM) that I spoke with today, told me to STOP taking the progesterone shots. He said even though the main rash is not at the exact location of where the shot is, we don’t need anymore aggravation in my ass (no pun, no kidding) or from that level of progesterone in general. We need to just let things calm down. He suggested upping my dose of vaginal suppositories to three a day (instead of two) and then taking two of those suppositories by mouth twice a day (for a total of 5 capsules a day).

4. Lastly, go back in on Tuesday to get my blood drawn again to test my levels of progesterone.

My naturopath was kind enough to talk to me on a Sunday as well and approves of the protocol (makes me feel better) and says that the extra heat that my body is creating from being pregnant is also adding to all this. She said she was sort of worried this might happen to me because we never fully got rid of the tinea. In fact, last time I was there she asked me, “How’s your tinea?” I wondered then why she asked. Now I know.

My Heart and Mood
Tired
I’m wiped out. Not only am I exhausted from early pregnancy, I’m tired of all the hub-bub of trying to figure out what this rash is and what to do about it, waking at 6am to make an oatmeal pack so I can tolerate sitting or laying down (much less sleeping) for a few hours and rubbing anti-itch creams incessantly (some of which inflamed it even more). Now that I have what seems like good information and a solid plan, I feel relieved but still tired. Planning to nap long and hard today. Groceries will just have to wait until tomorrow.

Grumpy
Maybe the hormones, maybe the fatigue, maybe just appropriately pissed off that I’m having such a hard first week of pregnancy (when all I wanted was for it to be so fun), grumpiness has finally caught up with me. From the dumb doc at urgent care to stupid drivers on the road, I’m grumpy. Thank goodness here for the medical team I can trust and rely on (Liz W and ORM), dear friends and Gina.

Self-Responsiblity
It is not lost on me that in my last post I was a bit scared to leave ORM’s care for two weeks and now here I am going back Tuesday for bloodwork again (and been on the phone with them every day since last bloodwork on Friday). Is my fear causing all this just to get what I want?

I also think about Louise Hay and my mind/body connection. Am I not able to be “in my own skin” now that I’m pregnant? Is this new identity that I’ve so long waited for just too much? So, I plan to do some reflecting, listening and dreaming on this and just allow for anything to come up that will serve my healing (and my tiny passengers’ development).

That said, while I live in a self-responsible world and it’s useful to look at the above, I also know it does no good to dwell there too long, as my doc Liz W. says, “All kinds of crazy shit happens in pregnancy. Your body is working so, so hard right now and it’s doing great.” So, I’ going to just keep trusting that all this shit that’s happening is just that– crazy shit. In some ways it’s not personal at all. And–it’ll pass.

Vulnerability
Last to share in the heart domain is that I’m finding more and more I’m hoping there are two tinies in there. At first it made me real nervous and I sort of freaked out. Now I feel a strong wanting of two and a strong hoping. Noticing my heart wanting to guard and prep and brace for the possibility that there is only one (which would still be AMAZING) and, I can’t help but notice what’s there in my heart. And right behind it is the gremlin voice shaming me, “Don’t be greedy! Be happy with what you’ve got!” Ugly, I know. I’m quieting that bastard down now.

Once again, I notice how vulnerable my new life is– and I am so, so grateful to be living it.

Until soon,
regina
xoxo

P.S. My cramping is much, much better. It’s gone from like 90% of the time and intensity to about 10% of the time and intensity. Yahoo!

 

Posted in Drugs and Medications, First Trimester, Firsts, Learning, What the ? | 1 Comment

Now go be pregnant.

Posted on March 27, 2011 by Regina

So, looks like we are good and pregnant. Another layer of exhale.

Blood work
Wednesday, 3/23 Day 1# Beta (hCG): 270 (about 2-3 times higher than standard)

Friday, 3/25 Day 2# Beta (hCG): 562.5

April 11th: Ultrasound #1 (hurray!)

They want these numbers to double every two days. 540 would have been exactly doubled and so we are VERY pleased that we are just above that. I’m still pregnant! I know they said there was nothing to worry about (and in my gut I know that’s true too) but given my/our history, I just couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous. Especially with all this cramping going on.

Cramping
So, I’m feeling the side-effects of pregnancy already and mostly it’s been really fun (even nausea, lower back ache, bloating and peeing all the time) and even reassuring that the tiny passenger(s) are still there.

Except for this pretty intense cramping that I’ve been having. In the day it’s mild to moderate but at night it wakes me up it’s so intense. The first night it was surprising. I was up for a while. Hurt to a point where it was hard to sleep. The next morning I asked Caitlin about it, stat. She said that it all sounds normal so far and that I should try to keep an empty bladder and stay super hydrated (both of which can be tough to do at night). So, that night, the cramping woke me again and this time (despite the fact that I drank 3 liters of water that day) the cramping hurt so bad it shot referred pain down my lower back and inner thigh, much like when I had the polyp removed in the awake surgery. Needless to say, this scared me again but I emptied my bladder. Gina got me two large glasses of water and 2 tylenol and within minutes I was feeling the begining of the pain subsiding. I said to Gina, “Being pregnant isn’t fun anymore!” She sort of giggled and soon we both fell back asleep.

The morning I called in again and told them about the intense night of cramping. The nurse I spoke with told me they’ve done research on a particular kind of Gatorade (recovery) and that helps a lot, and also whey protein. So, we got both and today’s been even better. That next night was cramp free (at least it didn’t wake me up) but this intense rash I have did.

Rash
I have developed a big, nasty, red, inflammed rash on my bum. It’s angry, itchy and larger than the size of a big man’s hand open. It could be from the Progesterone in oil shots I’m taking, so Caitlin and Dr. H switched me to sesame oil instead of oleate and gave me a cream to use. That said, it could also not be related to the progesterone at all and just some random thing. I’d post a picture but really, I don’t wanna do that to you. Trust me when I say, it’s pretty sucky. When I dropped trow and bent over for the nurse to see she actually gasped. “Oh .Wow.”

Seriously? This is one of those “What the Cluck?” moments.

The following days the rash has worsened and I’ve been in regular and contact contact with the reproductive docs and now new docs. They all seem stumped. So, just for some relief, I’m rubbing oatmeal paste on my ass twice a day and at least I get a few peaceful hours.

For now, I’ll ride out the weekend with some medicinal creams and see a new dermatologist on Monday.

Nurse and Questions
Friday morning Gina went with me to get my blood drawn and when we saw the nurse regarding the rash, I took the chance to ask her a bunch of questions that I had been storing up. Most were silly like what kind of herbal teas can I have, is it ok to starting having orgasms again (it has been a long time they asked me to refrain!), when can I start dying my gray hair again, what else can I do about this cramping, etc.

I felt so relieved to get all those questions answered so thoroughly. Settled even. And now that my blood results are still showing nice and strong, even more relieved there, too.  I feel like I might just be relaxing and sinking into the fact that I’m pregnant and gonna have a baby(ies)… despite the rough start with the cramping and the rash.

Now Go Be Pregnant
When we got the blood results on Friday and ended the call by setting our ultrasound appointment I said to Caitlin, “So, that’s it? I don’t have anything to do until April 11th?”

“Nope,” she said. To which I replied, “No more bloodwork or doctors visits or anything? I just go be pregnant now?”

“Yep, you just go be pregnant.”

Holy cow!! That’s rad!!!! And, scary. Caitlin and the medical team have been such a support and now we are out here on our own. Still, I’ll deal with it. I am just SO HAPPY to be pregnant!

Hair
One last note, it should be said that the day after I found out I was pregnant, I cut all my hair off again. Back to short and sassy, back to me. I love it and I’m so happy. Free, free, free!

 

Posted in Believing, Drugs and Medications, Hormones, Learning, What the ? | Leave a comment

And just like that…

Posted on March 24, 2011 by Regina

We’re pregnant!!!!!!

 
My HCG (also known as “the pregnancy hormone”) came back at 270! That is an extremely strong, healthy number. They were looking for something over 100, mine was almost three times that! Caitlin said that she’d hedge her bets on twins (as many of you would as well, even long before this test). We won’t know for sure until another 2 weeks when we have an ultrasound. As a reminder, only about half of IVF women who start with twins end with twins. For now, we are just THRILLED that we have a good, solid for sure kind of pregnant.


We’re gonna have a baby!
To that point, Caitlin also assured us that we are out of our own historic kind of “danger zone”. Meaning, my numbers are so high and strong that they are not at all worried about me losing this pregnancy. Yah!!! Again, she warned gently, “anything can happen” but that now I’m just like all the other “normal” pregnant women out there with the normal chance of miscarriage. All in all, I should carry on as if this is going to be a happy, healthy pregnancy and that we are going to have a baby. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!

How I Feel
The level of exhale in my body is intense. I woke up this morning not feeling well at all but uncertain as to whether that was because of how nervous I and how much I had been “holding” or just from possibly being pregnant. Now that I feel like a 100pounds has been lifted of my chest, I know at least half of it was nerves.
I have waves of elation to disbelief (even though my body is already feeling lots more symptoms even than 2 days ago. I can’t see it in there and I’m obviously not “showing” and so part of me is like, Am I really pregnant? Is an embryo really growing in there? Sho’ nuff’, I am and it is! Maybe even two! Holy cow!!!!
We got the news from Caitlin about 1:30pm. Gina and I were together (and Caitlin made sure of that, very sweet). When we heard my blood levels were at 270 we burst into tears and laughter and joy.Caitlin started crying a long with us. I could just cry now, feeling it all over again. It’s not because of my hormones! It was truly one of the most amazing moments of my life.


What We Did After
After we got our new medical protocol from Caitlin (I still have to take those damn progesterone shots for another 2 weeks- but really, who cares?! I’m preggers!), we called our our moms and immediate family and the like-the joy was overwhelming. After all that, Gina had to leave for work. I was alone to be with this juicy goodness. So, I took a shower. Not sure why… I just needed to be naked and wet and clean and warm. I stood under the water in utter joy, looking down at my relatively flat (though semi-bloated) belly and thought to myself that in a matter of months, it will grow and by Fall, it will be big and round and my shower experience will be totally different! It’s wild the things I have been thinking about already just since finding out such solid good news.

My Gift to Me
I saw my client and by some stroke of magic, had myself really grounded. My colleague did a bit of body work on me just before hand, I’m sure that helped. After a breakthrough session for the client (how could it not be with all this amazing energy here!), I went to New Seasons to pick up a bit of food for dinner. Now that I’m totally repulsed by meat (at least I have been the last 2 days), we needed some different high protein healthy foods in the house. On the way to the check out stand I passed the book aisle.
For years, I have passed this book aisle and stopped, squatted and thumbed through the pregnancy books. Always dreaming of the day that I’d be here for my own pregnancy (not a chemical pregnancy or for a gift for a friend, but for me- for reals). So there I stood. Staring at those books. My day has arrived. And while it’s clearly very early, I have absolutely no doubt I’ll be popping out a baby by the end of the year. And so, without making myself long for even one more day, I picked up two books and put them in my basket. A gift to me. A little offering of pleasure for having done all we did and making it here.
I have so much more to say about all of your love and the gratitude I have for you all, our community. And even more to say on the vulnerability that I already feel in being pregnant. But I’ll leave that for another blog post. For now, I’m callin’ it a day.

Next steps?
Friday, March 25: Blood work for HCG testing They are looking for my numbers to roughly double by then (Caitlin said she’d hope to see them around 500). If that happens and all looks well they’ll schedule an ultrasound for about 2 weeks from then. And another ultrasound 2 weeks after that.
And then? I’m released from the “reproductive specialists” and I’m thrown out into the world of all the other normal pregnant women out there. No fuss, no special treatment. I can hardly wait.
Next to the day I married Gina, I have never had a happier day in all my life. Thank you ALL for sharing in it with us- being just as just as anxious in the days leading up to this amazing result and now just as excited for us. It’s just been incredible.

Love, love, love.
regina + gina

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