Abundance

Posted on July 18, 2011 by Regina

I am feeling so, SO great! Happy as can be and just LOVING being pregnant. I am totally present to the miracle of it all everyday. Our daughters are growing inside me. Wow. Part of me doesn’t want it to end–wants to savor every drop.

I feel an abundance of love, abundance of happiness, abundance of baby, abundance of gifts and offerings, and most of all… an abundance of FOOD.

Body Stuff
The only little thing that’s sort of a bummer is that
I cracked my rib or tore the ligaments there. I’ve done this on the other side in the past so I know that’s what’s going on. Apparently, it was the perfect storm: weakened ribs from vomiting for 3 months and coughing for 4 weeks plus a double dose of the relaxin hormone (softens the joints and bones during pregnancy) did the trick. So, while I feel great, the rib thing hurts pretty bad. Particularly when I throw up (which still happens now just a few times a week), cough, laugh, sneeze, drive, or get up and down out of bed. It’s not messing with my spirits though, that’s for sure.

My ears are still full of fluid and all clogged. This is mostly annoying given all the blood I pump through my body means I can hear and feel my heart beat in my ears most of the time. Acupunture helps for a few days which gives me a nice little reprieve. In the scheme of things, it’s not painful, just annoying.

My belly feels full and tight, particularly after I eat. I just ordered a belly band so that I can get some relief on my belly and back as I really feel the weight of it by the end of the day.

There are now parts of my body that I can no longer see or reach. “Wiping” is now like an Olympic sport and shaving in the shower or bending over for anything is hysterical.

Food, Food, Food
My belly measures over 40inches now and I weigh about 157! Crazy awesome! Some of you know that we’ve been working a pretty aggressive food plan by Dr. Barbara Luke who specializes in healthy full term multiples. She’s been studying the relationship between a mother’s weight gain and the health of her multiples for over 40 years and her stats are amazing. On her program, babies stay in 25% longer and weigh 30% more than the average twin newborn. I don’t meet the 3500 calories/ 176 grams of protein plan everyday (equal to a whole chicken) but by-god we try (and get close). And by “we”, I mean “we”. It’s seriously a joint effort in terms of getting that much food/calories/protein in me. We are already co-parenting. It’s very cool.

We’ve met lots of twin mamas in the past few months. All those we met that carried full term (38 weeks or beyond) had big, healthy babies that did not need the NICU (neo-natal intensive unit- very common place for twin newborns) and all credited Barbara Luke’s plan. This is very reassuring, though slightly disconcerting how little the standard western OB knows about these studies or the necessity of nutritional intake for a mother of multiples. In fact, they seem think just gaining a few more pounds is all that is necessary (explains why so many babies tend to be born soon and land in the NICU so often). I digress.

Now that my belly is getting bigger, I get fuller sooner so I simply have to eat less portions more often, making me feel more like a grazing cow than a pregnant mama. Fortunate for me, I really like cows. You know, those eyes!

Readying the Nest
We are just now starting to wrap our heads around what baby gear we’ll need. What stroller we’ll choose, diapering system we’ll use and how we’ll create baby space in our house. It’s been fun but certainly overwhelming… there is so much to know and choose from. I feel like I need a personal guide to help me figure it all out!

Readying Ourselves
Out of our cocoon and the “oh shit” phase, tomorrow we’ll be starting a string of baby classes, birthing classes, multiples classes etc. In fact, most weekends are full from end of July through August and then some of September. It’s been highly recommended that with twins we do all these things as early as possible not only for the possibility that I could be on bed-rest but because I’ll simply be too uncomfortable to sit in classes by then.  A woman pregnant with twins can measure anywhere from 6-10 weeks further along than with a singleton; meaning that when I’m just 30 weeks along I could feel/look more like 36-40. And at 36 weeks pregnant, I could look/feel like 42-48 weeks. Crazy, right? On little, ole me!

I’m also beginning to read more books on birth and think more about how I will create the birth I want inside a hospital. Truth be told, I’m having a little bit of grief or fear come up about that. C-section horror stories and the medicalized model of pregnancy being and illness have me wondering how to stay empowered inside that world when the time comes.

Play Time!
I have some pics for you today.

Gift from another Twin Mom, Jen B. She made it a point to get two sets not because there are two babies, but because there are two moms. Very sweet.

Handmade wool pantaloons from our Mama-friend McKay. Humbling to receive to say the least.
What’s on our Fridge (6wk, 9wk, 18 wk ultrasound pics)

If you look closely, you can see she is smiling. (Baby B, 18wks)

Baby A at 18wks. Looking closely here you can see the umbilical chord. So cool.

This is our favorite pic. "Power To The People!"

This is a card my friend John sent to me. Clearly, he already has a child.

In case you can't read the words above, here's a close up.

Next…
That’s all folks. Today we have a midwife appointment as well as a doula appointment and pain coping class. The week after we have a 22 week ultrasound. Gina is gonna try to get some video again but they don’t allow it so we’ll see how sneaky she can be. Shhh.

xo

Posted in Firsts, Friends, Love and Gratitude, Second Trimester | Leave a comment

GIRLS!!

Posted on July 5, 2011 by Regina
TWO GIRLS!!!

Hurray! We are so, so excited! During the ultrasound I cried right off the bat. I was simply overjoyed at seeing our babies this big, this far along. Amazed and grateful we are here. Then, finding out there was a girl in there, made me cry tears of joy all over again.

We were sort of hoping for the opportunity to get to raise a boy and a girl but the more we settle into “sisters” the more it feels right and makes sense. Though the look on Gina’s face when we learned the second baby was a girl too was priceless. Maybe even more shock than learning we had twins! As for me, the more I think about this strong lineage of women I come from, the more two girls seems obvious. 🙂

We ARE telling people the sex of the babies so feel free to spread the good news!

Feeling so GOOD!
In health news, I am STILL feeling so much better. It’s been more than a week now and I feel strong and certain that it’s smooth sailing from here on out.

I can feel the babies move now, too, which is so incredible I can hardly describe the feeling. It’s alien, foreign, miraculous, fun… just awesome. Gina can’t feel them move yet but she can feel them in there when they are more on the surface. Her face lights up every time I put her hand on a baby.

I’m swelling up enough now that I had to take my wedding ring off. This is a bit sad for me cuz I haven’t taken it off in 5 years (anniversary this weekend, July 10!) but, it’s all in service of something greater, so, on we go.

Life Back on The Farm
Gina and I took a little drive out to the woods this past weekend– we totally unplugged; hiked, read, talked. Then we went to the Blues Festival on the Fourth of July- something we really love doing every year. It was a much needed weekend of feeling back to myself, ourselves, happy and in love… all with the added bonus of being pregnant with two DAUGHTERS!

My Restoring Power Summer Retreat is coming this weekend and I’m totally looking forward to it. Gina will be there to support me as will a yoga person I’ve hired (who also happens to be a dear friend). In a nutshell, I’ve got lots of good support, the weather will be divine and this will be the last retreat for a while making me feel even more blissed out about it all.

Follow-Up
As for follow-up on my last post, specifically regarding Mary, my god-mother, well, I called her and we talked. We spoke for about an hour and over that period of time I simply became more and more saddened. In over a decade nothing has changed. In fact, maybe things are worse. I’ll spare you all her personal details because, well, they are hers… but suffice to say, it’s not going to work for me to stay in relationship with her.While I feel really sad for her (because my heart remains open) there is a victory in here for me. That is, I don’t feel obligated, obliged or any desire to enable her. None. I feel the desire to send her love and compassion from here. Kerry was right. I’m all grown up now and I know how to set my boundaries. Not only do I know how in my mind, like a skill, but all the personal development work I’ve committed my life to is paying off as this actually feels embodied. A no brainer with no struggle. From 20, 10 even 5 years ago, this is a victory, indeed.

And so… summer goes on. It’s finally warm here in Portland (after the worst winter/spring anyone I know can recall)…and it’s gorgeous! Now we are getting on with the full-time job of prepping for our two baby girls: picking out names (which we will keep private until they are here), picking out room color, twin baby gear, pregnancy/birth/multiples classes and all that other good stuff that we’ve dreamt of for years.

Without further adieu, here are some pics from the last week.

Side belly 18wks 5 days

Close up belly shot at 18 weeks 5 days

In the woods... "The View From Here"

Getting wide sideways, too!

Stunning.

She's so damn cute!

 

Posted in Believing, Learning, Love and Gratitude, Second Trimester | 1 Comment

Open Heart

Posted on June 27, 2011 by Regina

*Note: This post is long, but it’s a good one. Plus, photos await you at the end!

My Babies and Me
I am just shy of 18 weeks pregnant. Said another way, I’m well into my fourth month, closing in on my fifth. If I were having one baby, my uterus would be the size of a cantaloupe. With two, it’s about double that. My babies measure about 5 ½  inches each and weight just more than 5 oz each. They are the size of sweet potatoes. They are likely practicing sucking their thumbs and yawning. Though I’m only 18 weeks along, my belly and uterus are measuring more like a singleton at 24 weeks. I’m really “out there” now.

My pregnancy is becoming more of a mixed experience, much like I imagine parenting to be. That is, as my belly grows bigger and I have more outwardly obvious signs of pregnancy and the nausea lets up (thank the Goddess), I love it more and more. I mean, LOVE it. I look down at my belly with those babies in there about every 5 minutes (or less) and feel giddy. I stare at my belly in the mirror every chance I get—just in awe. I rub my belly and talk to the babies all the time. I smile and say to myself, or whoever is within earshot, “We did it. I’m pregnant!” And then of course there is the double blessing that we are having TWO babies. Just amazing. Truly.

Completing A Cycle
If you didn’t get a chance to read my blog post for Restoring Power, you may want to check it out. My take on the Privilege of Suffering the last few months.

In my last post I wrote here on this blog, there was so much I didn’t get to share about the Shaman visit. One of those things is this: not only am I on a Vision Quest (she wrote about our session on her own blog), but she gave me specific instructions to make prayer ties for the Sweat Lodge Ceremony that would take place on June 21st, the Summer Solstice. She was told that my suffering and my Quest would end at the Solstice (about 14 more days from then). I found out I was pregnant on the Spring Equinox. Here’s to the power of me and Mother Nature, eh?

Given I had no idea what prayer ties were, she gave me instructions. I’m guessing you may not know either… so here’s the skinny. In short, they are little bundles of prayer offerings to the spirits—gratitude for the prayers they will answer. They are worn into a sweat lodge, hung from above during a ceremony of fire, heat, sweating and chanting. The spirits are said to come “read” the prayers and at the end the ties are all burnt in a bundle as the final offering and gratitude for prayers is answered.

Specifically, each prayer tie is made up of a small square of pure cotton cloth, pure tobacco placed inside, your prayer said over it, tied with pure twine and all linked together without the twine being broken. The idea is to make many. The more the better. My healer told me a story of a time she made 700 for one ceremony. Of course I could pray for whatever I wanted but the examples she gave me were about my suffering ending, my health being well and vibrant and the quest completing on the Solstice. You better believe that’s what I prayed for. That and a few for Gina and our babies, gratitude for my mom’s gift of IVF and one for my family and friends. I finished it off with a giant bundle of straight up gratitude to that which is greater than me.

The Days Following My Shamanic Session
I thought 2 weeks would be plenty of time to make the ties, particularly if I was feeling better but it didn’t turn out to be as easy as I thought. I got sick again. Yes. Again.

In hindsight, I see now that some sort of gift or magic at play again. It was week 14 (my Idgie number, my ubiquitous number, my magic number) that I had an amazing few days of reprieve. In fact, I’ve been seeing the number 14 everywhere again. It was a week I felt so much better. A time when I was able to be out in public, enjoying some sun, Gina’s Dragonboat races, my 17 year old niece Lindsay here… and then, on a dime, it all turned.

On the Sunday of Gina’s race I felt horrible. I thought I had that headache under control with the black tea but the ache fought against the caffeine and won; allergies set in and a mucous-y cough ensued, causing me to toss my cookies three times that day. All major meals. All a major drag (mostly for the loss of calories and protein which is so pertinent now in the second trimester with twins). From there on out, it was the same every day after… and since.

I’m so sick of writing of how sick I’ve been but it doesn’t work to deny it either. In short, the previous 15 weeks of morning sickness and growing babies, coupled with the allergies and 6-week headache depleted my immune system and I caught an upper respiratory infection (until now, I hadn’t been sick in years thanks to the amazing pre-natals and health care I get). I tried like hell to treat it naturally, seeing docs many times a week, taking herbs, tinctures, etc… but eventually, after 8+ days of incessant coughing and vomiting (which eventually caused me to pee myself all day and night and resort to using thick diaper-like pads 24/7, cost me 3-5 hours of sleep each night, pulled muscles, brought on uterine contractions that had me in an emergency visit to OB, created sore muscles in my belly and back, and made Gina and I sleep in separate rooms), I went on antibiotics. Yet again, another non-natural thing I thought I’d never do. And yet, as my friend Kerry reminded me, “the host needs to be strong.” She also reminded me that this part here is so much like parenting; we want to get it perfect for our children (our version of it anyway), and yet, we never will be able to do it all exactly how we want- but still, it’s good enough. Great even. Really it is. And so goes another lesson for me, early on.

Days later, done with the antibiotics, the infection was gone but I still was coughing to a degree that was detrimental to my uterus and my sleep. I got additional Chinese Herbs for a condition called “coughing during pregnancy” in Chinese medicine, more acupuncture and used some old world home remedies (hot bath, cold t-shirt and socks wrapped in wool, mustard packs on my lungs, etc.) and finally… FINALLY I slept all night long and the coughing began to subside. It felt like a miracle. I felt like a new woman.

Somewhere in there, I managed to make my prayer ties. Given the number 14 is special to me, that’s how many I made. I just made sure to make each one potent. I met with Lauri, the Shaman at our local Trader Joe’s and she took them to the sweat lodge ceremony with her (I can’t go in because I’m preggers—bad for babies to get that hot and fast).  She told me to pay attention to what opens and what happens the four days before and the four days after the ceremony on the Solstice, the 21st. Before I handed them off to her, I placed them in the shape of a heart and took a picture of them.

Prayer Ties (all 14 of them)

The Solstice Sweat Lodge Ceremony
About 17 people were at the Ceremony. Lauri intentionally gave my ties to a woman who had birthed two children. This woman wore my ties around her neck (with her own) and carried them in the sweat lodge for me. Without Lauri telling her anything, when all was said and done, the woman said she felt the prayer ties were for a woman who was having a difficult pregnancy. Said she could feel the potency of my prayers for relief and wellness.

The night of the Solstice Ceremony, I was home feeling yucky; puking, coughing and doing my routine to feel better and sleep through the night. Around 9:30pm, while the ceremony was going on about an hour away, Gina and I stepped out onto our front porch and watched a blazing sunset… on fire in color and it’s glory. I could feel the power of the ceremony that was taking place right then. I intentionally kept myself with them in spirit. I let my prayers be answered.

Three Days Later
Though still throwing up in the mornings and occasionally in the evenings (but NO nausea so it really ain’t no thang), and still working through the headache and allergies, I began to mostly human again. I’ve even found more humor in getting sick than I ever thought possible.

I got myself showered and dressed and headed out to lunch with my friend Kerry. It was such a lovely visit. I showed off my blossoming belly to all her staff (people I have known and cared about for years) and received much love and adoration. My visit with Kerry, as always, was sweet and insightful.

On the drive back, I was reflecting on our visit and I noticed how much I contain my joy in the presence of others. I was thinking about how being sick these last few months has been so all consuming that even though I have been happy to be pregnant, what has been most primal, most demanding of my attention has been my well being (or lack thereof). Now that I was feeling better (even just a day or two in), I could feel my joy seeping in but I could also feel my heart guarded, my smile not totally full and my joy not quite fully expanded. I could feel my heart and happiness slightly contracted and withheld. Subtle, but true. I thought part of this is just “gun shy” but there is a part that has a much deeper history than just this pregnancy. I remember when I was younger feeling so much happiness that I could just burst or cry regardless of where I was or who I was with. Still driving, I thought, “I want that again. I want that now. I want an open heart, open joy and expansion in the way I feel my happiness about this pregnancy… no matter who I am with. It’s time.”

About 10 minutes later I pulled in to the bank, my last errand on the way home. Before I got out of the car, I called Lauri to see how the ceremony went, as she’d asked me to do. It was 3 days past the ceremony.

She shared, “Each ceremony is different and the lesson/message/theme of each one arises a few days before. This sweat lodge was about opening our hearts.” At first I was dumbstruck at the serendipity of what I had just been thinking. Then I smiled to myself, already feeling my heart opening, my joy expanding.

When she was done speaking she asked me, “So, what have you noticed over the last few days?” I told her not only of turning a corner in my health but of the revelation I had just had in the car driving– about the containment of my joy, the guarding of my heart’s happiness about this pregnancy. Though I couldn’t see her, I could feel her own joy and happiness for me. She told me how thrilled and honored she was to be a part of my process.

We hung up, I walked in the bank and made my deposit with gratitude. Smiling and feeling all pregnant as I walked out, watching people look at my belly and smile as we passed, I was playing the conversation with Lauri over in my head again. I heard her ask, “So, what have you noticed in the last few days?” And this time something new occurred to me; it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Cue “going back in time” music
That morning, before I showered and left to see Kerry, I received an email through my website from my god-mother, Mary. Mary was like a second mother to me and had an incredible amount of influence on me growing up. The relationship was very mixed though, wrought with guilt, obligation, her alcoholism, intense judgments, criticism and negativity. We eventually lost contact when I moved to Oregon and she to AZ – over 10 years ago. Coincidentally, in the past few months I’ve looked for her online. Not quite sure why.  Just curious I guess. Seems she was nowhere to be found–not even in the obits.

Weeks prior, back in my shamanic healing session, Lauri had said, “I feel this quest is also about healing with your mother.” At the time it didn’t really land because I’ve done YEARS of healing work with my mother, specifically the last year and in our most recent 10 day visit, it was obvious that my mom and I have come to a place of peace and love with each other. So, I sort of chalked that up to, “Hmmm… thanks, but that’s not really hitting the mark.” And just took all the rest.

It never occurred to me that it was my god-mother that I was being called to get complete with. And clearly, if I wasn’t able to find her (not that I would have made contact anyway), she found her way to me. Of all the years we’ve been estranged, of all the months, of all the days… she contacted me– out of the blue– in the four days after the Solstice ceremony.

Her email was succinct and to the point, “Regina. This is your god-mother Mary. Please call me. (insert phone number).”

When I first got the email I was sort of pissy about it. Really, it was my heart deeply guarded. The hurt that was associated with Mary was intense when I was younger and clearly still had some hold on me today. At lunch, I asked Kerry her thoughts about it and she reminded me that I’m all grown up now. If Mary is calling to make amends then that’s wonderful but if nothing has changed, I now know how to hold my boundary, take care of myself. It was like a lighting bolt insight. So obvious once she said it but until that moment had been so far away.

Cue “back to present moment outside the bank” music
So there I am walking from the bank to my car. Feeling all connected and warm given my conversation with Lauri when bammo, it hits me about Mary reaching out in the 4-day window after the ceremony. I remember what Lauri had said in our healing session about “healing  the mother stuff.”

I got back to my car, stunned. I sat there in silence for a moment. I thought back to the theme of the Solstice ceremony—Open Heart. I felt into my own guarded heart about Mary and in that moment, I knew, unequivocally and without a doubt that my learning, my lesson here, was to face this head-on with an open heart. Mind you, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still heed the counsel from Kerry. I am a grown-up and I can set my boundaries if needed—but this time, not in reaction-to or in defense-of or as a strategy to stay safe, but rather, from an open, connected place that is present to my heart and ultimately to what is best for my family and me. It occurs to me that maybe the spirits had their own offering to me: perhaps all this sickness, and even this wellness, this email from Mary, is all a chance to practice my open heart. Perhaps it is a gift.

Update
It’s been about three days since I wrote the above post. Since then, I called Mary. I got her vmail and we’ve been playing a bit of phone tag. Slow is good. I hope that we reach other sometime this week. I’m scared, but my heart is open. Even if I have to keep reminding myself.

As for my health… so much better! It’s amazing!!!! I feel better and better every day! It’s grand! Unfortunately, Gina is still a bit sicker than me, but it’s running it’s course and she has good old-fashioned drugs so she’s on the mend, too. We are still sleeping in separate rooms which is a drag (you know how I love to cuddle) but the payoffs are worth it for both of us. I’ve had a few nights now where I’ve coughed very little and I’ve slept most of the way through (other than the getting up a few times to pee).

I still have this headache to contend with (it’s been since May 10th) and a bit of allergies (congestion, red eyes, post nasal drip and slight cough). And, I still throw up each morning (and then sort of chuckle) but all in all, it’s really not that bad. In fact, I’m giddy most of the day now. I’m working on eating more and making up for lost calories and weight and getting on with more “normal pregnancy stuff”: feeling short of breath, slight heartburn, more difficulty in getting up & rolling over and being stuffed quickly… all things that actually feel FUN. Wacky, I know.

Mostly, I’m just so, so happy. I really do feel like I’m on the other side of a Vision Quest. I feel like I’ve been through an initiation of sorts, having walked through the flames. I feel whole again. Me again. Only better. I am grateful for the learnings (that I know will continue).

For now, I’m getting on with living this dream of being pregnant. Of showing off my baby bump, looking cute in the summertime, getting the babies’ room ready, enjoying Gina rubbing, kissing, oohing and awing over the babies in my belly, researching twin strollers… and tonight I actually felt a baby move inside me! And I can feel the joy!!! ALL of it! I’m in utter awe.

Wednesday we have an ultrasound. We’ll find out the sex of the babies. Jury is still out as to whether we’ll tell everyone what the sexes are (other than to family) but knowing us, we won’t be able to keep the secret.

So… stay tuned. I have a feeling the best is yet to come.

17wks 5 days

17wks 5 days frontal

17wks 5 days side

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Potato Babies- the size they are now at 17 weeks

Mango babies...the size they'll be by 18 weeks (Wednesday)

Posted in Believing, Firsts, Love and Gratitude, Praying, Reframe, Second Trimester, What the ? | 1 Comment

It’s not all in vain…

Posted on June 7, 2011 by Regina

I’m 15 weeks Wednesday June 8th… starting my 16th week. Is that crazy or what? I heard the babies’ heartbeats again yesterday and they are goin’ strong. I can even feel them each with my hands/fingers pressing on my belly (my uterus is now up to my belly button). It’s real. I made it. WE made it. I’m PREGNANT WITH TWO BABIES! It’s just more and more real each week that goes by and each time I hear those heartbeats.

My belly is really showing now and that’s fun. I love the way Gina wraps her arm around me or holds my hand when we are taking walks or out of dinner. I love the smiles we get and the way my belly looks when I go to bed at night and look at it from a laying down position. I’m beginning to feel into the part of me that knew I’d love being pregnant. To say I love it is a grande understatement.

All that said… (I’m tired of writing this) I’m still sick. Not nearly as bad but still nausea and still barfing. And just around the time it started lesson, I got this crazy pounding headache that neither my chiropractor, acupuncturists, naturopaths nor Tylenol could put a dent in. For three weeks solid now, it’s been omnipresent. Maddening and at times incapacitating (I just climb in bed and pull over the covers). The victimy part of me is like, “What the F? Can’t I get a fucking break?” I mentioned going to the doc last time and the fluid in my ears, etc. More I’ve learned since then…turns out I have sort of a double whammy: I’ve got a “hormone headache” which can kick in around during weeks 13-20 of pregnancy (it lives the cap of my head and base of my neck) and sinus headache either caused by hormones or allergies or both that lives on the frontal lobe (temples, forehead and the T-Zone of my face). Yeah.

Last week, I tried some new acupuncture that simply exacerbated the issue so badly that I woke up that night at 12:30am– in so much pain it drew me to my (new) rock bottom. I lied in bed in the middle of the night, ice packs on my head, tears streaming down my face. I cried like I haven’t yet cried in this crazy first trimester. I woke Gina and she comforted me for a bit but eventually she needed to sleep and I couldn’t. I left the room and stayed up until 4:30am. I kept crying, journaled and cried some more. It’s hard to explain the grief, isolation, anger and desperation I felt that night. The noise in my head was incessant: “What is going on? Why me? Why this? Am I just a wimp? I should buck up. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I feel any joy? Why can’t I feel the presence of my babies?”

Idgie came to me…so real and so powerful. She just laid with me. Though she comforted me, I cried more, for missing her being with me in my darkest times (in physical form). Eventually, I climbed back into bed and fell asleep.

Five years ago when I first started trying to get pregnant, I dreamt that I would do it so natural it’d be amazing. I’d be the most natural, hippie mama ever! Ha. Now, in reality (the first of many “reality checks”, I’m sure) I’ve made choices that have surprised me: Tylenol, the topical steroid nasal spray (for sinus issues), the Zofran (for puking) and for the headache was prescribed a cup of black tea a day. I NEVER thought I’d do any of those things, particularly caffeine (they assure me the amount I’m taking is safe for babies). In these choices I’ve more deeply learned that really basic “oxygen mask” lesson that seems so simple it’s sort of embarrassing: that is, easing my pain is better for my babies. In all the pain and suffering, I eventually got to a place where the “non-natural”/western meds that promised help would be less risky to my babies than the potential risk/damage that could be done to them by their mama being in so much pain. By taking care of myself via meds that I previously preferred (and vowed) not to take, I ended up relieving my own suffering AND (best of all) feeling better about how my babies were doing. In fact, when I feel into them now as I have less pain… they feel better to me. We all feel better in fact, less tension and contraction, more ease and peace.

Ironically, just yesterday I tried yet another natural supplement (Calcium D-Glucarate by Thorne) that, for women who get this torturous “hormone headache”, swear by. Gina went and picked it up for me so I could try it that very day.  Hot-damn-hallelujah, it worked ! Within an hour my hormone headache was gone. I woke up in the morning with it back again but took the supplement and poof, gone again! The sinus headache is something to keep contending with. I don’t want to stay on the steroid nasal spray (makes my nose bleed and makes me clench my teeth) or the caffeine for the duration of my pregnancy so I’m just taking that day by day; trying new things there and also hoping as allergy season eases, I’ll feel better there too.

In the moments when the eye of the storm hits and I have no nausea, no vomiting, no headache, no ear pain at all, I’m happier than I have ever been. Unexplainable, really. And not just because I feel better but because once I’m not so consumed by my physicality, I am totally present to my babies (which I have not been most of this first trimester and that has been a source of sadness for me). I’m also present to my belly, Gina, and my dream being fulfilled… it’s just really awesome. Awesome in the truest sense of the word.

Last week when I hit that rock bottom, the next day I made an appointment to use my birthday money (thanks, Mary!) to go see a Shaman healer for a shamanic + sounding healing session.

It’s more than I will go into here and now but suffice to say a few things:

1. I feel whole again. All the little traumas that have added up over the last few months (and years even) were restored and healed. Bit of my soul lost through the pain and suffering, coming back to me. When I woke up and came out, I cried. I cried because I felt “home” and whole again. Ready and able to deal with whatever comes in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. I couldn’t have said that before and in fact, it’s why I went.

2. I got a big picture view and newer, more empowering context around the purpose of this suffering. It’s for me but it’s also in service of something greater. It opened my heart and creative juices in a way that feels important, valuable and good. All that I have been observing in my own process as well as others’ is making more sense now.

I can’t help but notice that we don’t live in a culture that supports (or gives room for) the suffering that can happen inside of pregnancy. Yet as I talk to more and more women who also had really difficult first trimesters (many worse than mine, hospitalized, etc.), I am shocked at not only how many there are, but how secret it’s been, and how isolated they felt. In my listening and connecting with them, it’s clear is that their trauma is still there for them … there’s never been a designated place (I have searched high and low for support groups and NOTHING exists) much less a culture to release/process the grief/pain/trauma (unless they go to a therapist, which most don’t because they can’t wrap their minds around a pregnancy being traumatic). Pregnancy is supposed to be great and amazing, right? And so they just keep holding the trauma in their bodies… hoping for the chance to be heard or understood here and there- maybe. I notice it in myself. In the face of no open dialogue about this in our culture, the need to be gotten in this way is intense.

Given the professional work I do is about releasing trauma, hurts and painful history through our bodies, it doesn’t seem an accident I’m learning this particular lesson so directly, does it?

So, while I’m in my own process of it all, I have my eye on the bigger cultural picture and am noticing a need–a desperate need–for some women to have a support group before their babies come. As we know, there is a huge amount of room and support for post-partum related stuff: traumatic labors, kids born with any sort of disorder, multiple babies, etc. But astonishingly, there is nothing for the pregnancy itself.

Who knows what life will look like when these babes are born but I’m playing with the idea of starting a support group for women just to BE together in a designed space to be heard, seen, share and heal about their pregnancies. Maybe even offer somatic stuff with it too. Then again, one thing I’ve learned so far… I know nothing about the future or how any of it will be. So, we’ll see.

3. Lastly, in the Shamanic session, I was given a mantra to repeat 600 times a day. The mantra is: I am a perfect emissary for the Divine. That’s right. Say it out loud and get the power of it. I am the perfect emissary for the Divine. It’s beautiful and meaningful in so many ways… it just awes me.

As always, thanks for listening. You all heal me.

Baby belly pics coming soon.

xo,
regina

 

 

Posted in Believing, Drugs and Medications, Hormones, Learning, Praying, Second Trimester, What the ? | 2 Comments

Oops. I spoke too soon.

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Regina

The day after my last post, my nausea came back. Can you believe?! Oy. And then it sort of went downhill from there (massive headache for 2 weeks apparently caused by sinus inflammation, water in ears, stress, then there were the insurance claims for rare meds approved for pregnancy – talk about inducing more of a headache!-, etc.). Can a girl catch a break? I mean, really.

Well, eventually, I had the most memorable moment of my nausea/pregnancy event so far.

This Facebook post sort of explains it all. Take a look.

Part I

Part II

So, yep, I hurled in a restaurant bathroom and everyone heard. Fortunately, Gina let them all know I’m pregnant but still, walking out of the bathroom only to stare into the faces of people having just heard me was a moment I’ll never forget.

And it wasn’t just a little puke either… it was a 5-10 minute ordeal that seemed to not let me go. I peed myself again and everything. It was awful (and later, awfully funny). We weren’t even there to eat! We just stopped in to get a little sprite to settle my stomach before our appointment with our CPA.

As soon as I came out of the lieu (hoping no one had heard) I looked at Gina’s face, saw everything packed up, my bag over her shoulder, and I knew immediately the walls had been thin. I found a side door and beelined outta there faster than you can say “morning sickness.”

As awful as it was, and as awful as I have I have felt the four days since then, we’ve been laughing about that all the way. You gotta, right? Or else, as Emily Saliers would say,  “…you’d just cry your eyes out.”

Posted in Firsts, Hormones, Reframe, Second Trimester, What the ? | Leave a comment

The Start of the Second Trimester

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Regina

This Wednesday, May 25th, will mark 13 weeks of pregnancy and I’ll enter my 14th week. We’re gonna have two babies!!! It’s like it’s just now hitting me!

They call this the Golden Trimester and I’m so hopeful it’ll be golden for me. So far, I’m off to a great start!

Screening and Testing
Last week Gina and I had our “First Trimester Screening” which takes place right at the end of the first trimester. It gives an 80% (ish) accuracy prediction for the likelihood of Down Syndrome and other chromosomal disorders. Because I’m 39 and pregnant with twins they sent me to the “high-risk” clinic called, Maternal-Fetal-Medicine. While we don’t really relate to ourselves as high risk, we were very happy to have the best of the best experts and specialists for multiples doing these screenings.

Our ultra-sound tech, Matt, was a kick in the pants. He’s been doing this for 30 years and upon looking at our babies (over a 1.5 hour period so that he could measure and examine every little part) he said two things that I’ll always remember.

1. “Wow, this baby A is wild! It’s using your uterus as a trampoline!” He had to still frame baby A most of the time to get accurate measurements because s/he was just too wiggly. (You might recall, this is the same baby that entertained us in the last ultrasound video).

2. “Wow, these nukes (small space of fluid behind the babies neck) are next to nothin’! That’s a good thing guys. That’s a good thing. We still need to get your blood work back but I’d say from here, it’s ‘highly unlikely’ there are any problems with your babies. They look just fabulous.” Whew! Highly Unlikely. Can’t tell you how much I exhaled.

So, looking at the blood work and ultrasound measurements together, the Clinic gives us a 1 in something odd that there are any chromosomal disorders with our babies. From there, we decide whether we want further testing because remember, this primary screen is only 80% accurate (with twins, perhaps 75%).

The Two More Optional Tests
The two additional testings we could do after this initial screening are closer to 99.99% accurate; they are CVS and amniocentesis.

– CVS (Chorionic Villi Sampling) is where they suck out some of each placenta (going intra-vagininally for one and needling through my abdomen for the other). This test must take place by end of week 14 so we’d have to move on it quickly. It tests for almost everything except spina bifida. The advantage of this test is that it’s done earlier.

– The amnio test places a long needle through my abdomen and through the amniotic sacs and takes about 20-30mg of fluid from each baby’s little watery home. This test is not done until 16 weeks or so and test results take 2 weeks. It’s just as accurate but tests for spina bifeda too. The disadvantage is that it’s much later in the game.

IF one of the babies were to come back with a “positive” result and IF we were to “selectively reduce” there is a slight risk of miscarriage. With twins, unfortunately, the risk is much higher. To boot, the risk gets higher each day and each week that goes by. So, after reviewing our final results from Maternal-Fetal, we’ll get to choose whether we want to do any further testing. Gina and I have been slightly split on this highly sensitive topic for years but have really partnered together beautifully now that it’s real and not in “theory.” I like that. A lot.

The Results
Monday we got a call from Legacy with our results. “Hi Regina? This is Lisa from Legacy Emmanuel. I’m calling with some good news.” I smiled and gasped and stammered all at once. She went on to tell me that after analyzing my age, blood work and ultrasounds they estimate a 1/1300 chance for Down Syndrome and a 1/10,000 for any other chromosomal disorders. “Congratulations!” She said. I could hardly get the grin off my face. Yahoo!

Where We Landed
Gina and I talked in bed this morning over my morning smoothie and this is where we landed: If we did the CVS or amniocenteses, at this point, the risks are greater for miscarriage for one or both babies than they are of finding out our babies have any abnormalities. We have spoken with a genetic counselor and feel solid about our decision: we will not do any more testing. We are not only confident in our decision, but very happy, too!

 

Posted in Believing, Learning, Needles, Second Trimester, Surgeries and Proceedures | Leave a comment

Completing the First Trimester

Posted on May 22, 2011 by Regina

I’ve been drafting this blog in my head for weeks now and I’m sure I’ll miss all kinds of really cool things I wanted to share at one time but alas and again, I’ve felt so awful, I just haven’t had it in me to write. But the tides have turned and here we are.

The Sickness
After my last post my morning sickness/pregnancy sickness just kept going downhill- who woulda thought possible, eh? In hindsight now, I can see that it did that the whole way, from week 5 on, it just kept getting a worse each week. I would think it was at it’s peak and then low and behold, it deepened from there. Eventually I came up with a gradation system for both Gina and I to gauge what kind of day it was (as it seems easy to lose sight- especially when I was in the middle of it and all foggy-like). Here’s how I explain how I can feel (from least sick to most):

Car sick
Seasick
Light hangover
Heavy hangover
The flu
Food poisoning

Clever right?

Rock Bottom
For the duration of the two weeks after Mother’s Day I felt like I had food poisoning (with a good dash of seasickness on top of it). Every. Single. Day. All day long. Half of that time my mom was here, thank god. She was a godsend in all the ways she helped… it was such a gift. I lost more weight, couldn’t really get up off the couch or bed unless I had to, and mostly I moaned or threw up. Then had to force myself to eat food again when nothing sounded good but those babies needed nourishing.

The upshot is, it sucked. In the moment, I just kept trying to get through day by day but eventually I broke down. I had a good long cry. And when Gina came home from work that afternoon, I had another. And when I was so sick that night and thought about this going on much longer, I cried again. I realized then, that I’d been feeling sick in some way or another since I started the IVF shots on Feb 14th– it occurred to me that’s three solid months of feeling crappy– getting worse each week. It really was beginning to feel like some sort of strange torture.

The Gift
And then, like magic, the very next day, I had a good day. A better day at least. A light hang-over day. I could hardly believe it! The sun was shining and my mom and I went to the Rhododendron Garden where the baby ducks and geelsings were learning to follow their mama’s and papas and the flowers were turned on in full bloom. We walked, sat, talked, ate. I asked her all about being pregnant with me, her career life, marriages. In the end, I saw my mom through different eyes. My heart felt full with respect and admiration for her and her life. I felt proud of her. It was the gift of all gifts.

The Turning Point
After the garden, I had acupuncture (which always helps my pregnancy sickness). That same day my ND gave me freeze dried liver extract (from Oxen in New Zealand) as another way to treat the nausea (I eventually broke down and used the Zofran during that shitty 2 week period where I had 2 new clients and knew I could NOT throw up during their first sessions– it kept me from vomiting but didn’t make a dent in my nausea). She was still looking for something to help me even though we thought I’d tried “everything.” The idea of the liver supplement is that it helps the liver process all the hormones better. The liver gets overtaxed from trying to process the flood of hormones (much like when you drink too much and your liver can’t handle it so you feel hungover — often called “alcohol poisoning” only this is more like “hormone poisoning” in a sense- also why I didn’t take the Zofran more often as it just taxes the liver that much more). So, if we could support my liver, I could (hopefully) process the hormones more efficiently and feel better. So, I tried it: 1 pill three times a day.

The next day, I felt pretty good- again, a light hang-over only kind of day (which sounds bad on paper but was enough to make me jump for joy). I wasn’t sure if it was the liver extract or the acupuncture that was working. I also wasn’t sure if this was going to last or was I just getting a little reprieve which sometimes happens. The next day, Sunday, the day my mom flew out… I backslid. Felt horrible. After taking her to the airport, I laid in bed all day with queasyness abound and a pounding headache to boot. I was slightly disheartened but at least I’d had a reprieve and knew I could dig deeper (as my friend Sarah shared with me) and keep going… particularly if there really weren’t any other options.

I woke up the next day, Monday (of this past week) and felt okay– I was leading an all-day offsite (my most ambitious task in the past three months) so, for the second time I took the 4mg of Zofran to ensure I didn’t puke all over my clients. 🙂 My energy was coming back too, so overall it was a pretty good day. Then, Tuesday I felt a little better all on my own. By Wednesday I began to eat what I now call “real people food”— just a little bit at a time.  Thursday I felt only car-sick and suddenly I was famished. Hurray! I ate full meals every 1.5 hours. No joke! Friday I felt great, I felt “back” and thought, maybe I’m actually seeing light at the end of the tunnel! Friends tell me I look myself again and they can hear it in my voice and see it when I smile, how much better I’m feeling.

Saturday, I could eat more real people food (I even ate a burger from New Seasons- major victory!) and I’d gained weight! But I felt exhausted (so I took a 2 hour nap) and had a pounding headache which seems to have come and gone all week.  Saturday night (last night) I went to a little joint birthday soiree my friend Jen had organized for another friend and me. When I got home I was food-poisoning sick again. Couldn’t sleep until midnight I felt so sick. Sunday (this morning) I woke up at 6am, starving. Gina made me a protein shake and by 6:30am I was puking it all up (and peeing on the bathmat every time I heaved, until the mess in the toilet and the bathmat were on par). While a big fat bummer, you should be laughing because really, it is that funny.

The Sum
Despite that fact that I had a rough day yesterday and this morning, I DO think I’m headed out of the woods. Until this morning, I had done a full 5 days without vomiting AND with feeling markedly better in the nausea department. In fact, better every day- coming out just as I went in– progressively. I’m not sure if it was the acupuncture, the liver extract, the fact that I’m in my 13th week, or the fact that I came off the progesterone supplements that did the trick. Maybe the magical combination of all of those… anyway you slice it, I’ll take it!

The Hindsight
To say that first trimester was an intense time is an understatement… only now as the fog is lifting am I able to see how bad it actually was. From the shock of twins to the massive rash, to the TMJ episode, to the progesterone irritation in my yoni, to the pregnancy sickness, to all the emotional worry (and excitement even), the incessant salivating (apparently common for women with severe morning sickness), let alone the exhaustion…it was likely the most physically taxing time of my life. There is something surreal about feeling so sick for so long… it’s depressing, it’s hard for friends family and loved ones (on many levels), which sucks (to have it be hard on those around me) and it becomes hard to gauge what’s real or how bad it really is until you are out of it.

So What Have We Learned Here Today, Folks?
I’ve learned a lot about myself through this process… all of which I’m not even sure of just yet. I’m still digesting and processing. But there is something about vulnerability and surrender. And then something about my own identity that’s getting shaken loose, too. Like, I’m so used to “being there” for my friends and loved ones; definitely more comfortable giving and way less comfortable receiving. I’ve also found comfort in being someone who they like, want and/or need (whether a playmate or someone who “gets” them). It’s part of my unconscious MO you could say. Part of how I ensure my safety in the world (or my illusion of it anyway). But in this first trimester, I couldn’t be who I had been– and it unnerved me. They (friends and loved ones) may not even have noticed, or been just fine, or happy to support me even… then again, I know (cuz they told me) that some had their own reactions to my being so sick, not available, miserable and even downright bitchy at times (and naturally so). Regardless of how it was for anyone, it threw me off. And I know this is a good thing ’cause when these babies come, I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to be who I have been. In fact, I’m certain I won’t. I’ll be doing mama things and be in mama role that I’ve dreamed of for years which will be so wonderful… and, it’ll be different. Those babies will be the priority. Period. It’s like, this first trimester sort of shed me of my old self and helped make me into a mama right-quick. Maybe I’m stubborn and I needed this big of a kick in the pants to shake me loose. 🙂

So, I have a reframe now. That is, no matter how horribly sick I’ve been, it’s worth it to sort of “recalibrate” into this new normal, this eventual new life with two babies, a family of four. And I’m so grateful. Really, really grateful.

 

 

Posted in Believing, Drugs and Medications, First Trimester, Friends, Hormones, Learning, Love and Gratitude, What the ? | 2 Comments

Mother’s Day

Posted on May 7, 2011 by Regina

A Very Special Mother’s Day
What a sweet, sweet Mother’s Day this is going to be. I can recall many hopeful mother’s days in the past… one even, filled with loss and grief. But not this year!!!! We are so happy to be mamas-to-be and have been humbled by the amount of well wishes and mother’s day cards we’ve received. It all helps to heal the hurts of the past and remind us how loved and blessed we are.

I was born on Mother’s Day and this year my mom, who obviously not only gave me the gift of life, but helped gift us these babies, too, came to town. She just arrived yesterday from Boulder, CO and it’s clear it’s destined to be an especially sweet visit.

Our Visit So Far…
We’ve been out to Hidden Lake where we had a family healing session with Judith. It was deeply transformative and such a gift that my mom and I got to do it together (with the babies present too).

Today we went to a brunch for new mom’s of multiples- Gina, my mom and I went. It was fun to see lots of twins and talk to other women. We are now fully OVER THE MOON that we are having two babies. I can hardly believe our blessing. I am just SO, SO ridiculously happy!!!! In other news, however, these two are kicking my tush with all the hormones they are stirring up. Most all the women at the brunch  encouraged us that the sickness I’m feeling will eventually fade. They all agreed it’s worse and goes longer with twins (many of them already have a singleton) but by 15 weeks (another 4.5 weeks for me…ugh!) it’s mostly gone. For a few unlucky women, it lasts the whole term. Oy. I can’t even imagine. I just keep praying for it to end it’s so freaking miserable. The last three days in particular have been bad. I’m about ready to crack down and use the drug ORM called in for me, Zofran– but I’m not quite there).

After the brunch we went to The Lan Su Chinese Gardens downtown with our friend Sonja and her mama. It was sort of an early Mother’s Day celebration. Some STRONG ginger tea after the brisk air and gorgeous scenery actually made me feel a bit better. My mom loved the gardens as did I and we really had a great time visiting with our friends. It made me happy to have my mom see all the loving, good people in our lives here. She commented on what lovely people we have as friends and what a happy life we seem to have here in Portland. Me likee.

Gina and I have our OB, mid-wife and Doula all set. Next week I’ll have loads of appointments with the all three and then some (acupuncturist, chiro, etc.). My mom is going to get to come to all of them! She’ll get to share any useful info to be passed on (about her labors, etc.) but also she’ll just get to glimpse into my world here and know what’s going on for the next few months as I begin to engage even more deeply in this journey.

We’re OUT!
In the last week, we’ve been “out” about being pregnant with twins; telling people when we see them around town, calling friends out of state who we don’t see all the time but didn’t want to find out on fb, and letting clients know. It’s been so, so fun! It feels like a HUGE relief to not only be in this phase (OMG, we are finally here!) but such a relief to no longer be keeping the secret or asking y’all to do the same. And did I mention how fun it is to share the I’m preggers? 🙂

Girlfriend Love
On May 5th, the Poker Girls got together for a little Cinco De Mayo celebration. Those of you who have heard of this close-girlfriend-group of mine know how they feed me. Though we don’t get together nearly as often these days, the laughter and love that is present when we do is like taking drugs. Better, it just feeds my soul. So, when I was ready to toss my cookies and fall in bed flat-out last week, wild horses still couldn’t keep me away. And I’m so glad. Those girls loved me up! Rubbed my belly, talked all about the pregnancy, listened to me moan about being sick, rubbed and oohed and awed at my belly some more, stole me a chair inside a crowded restaurant and when I needed to exit quickly (pukey moment), they were on it to make it happen. I came home exhausted but so well loved and filled.

Baby Bump City
Lastly, given there are two in there, I’m definitely “showing”. No mistaking it. Thank goodness my friend Rhona showed up just at the right time with boxes full of cute maternity clothes for me. Now,  I’m walking around sportin’ this baby bump loud and proud. Amen, sisters!

My Blessing to You
Happy Mother’s Day, to my very special mama, my make-me-laugh and smile-big Mother-in-Law, my sisters and all my mama-friends who I love so dearly and who are so happy for us they just beam or tear up every time we greet (and probably even when we don’t!). I hope it’s a special day for you and that you are honored in the ways that you so deserve and want and need. Here’s to us all!

Love, love, love.
regina marie
xo

Mom and Regina, gorgeous backdrop at Chinese Garden

My Sweet Mama

Joyce, Regina, Sonja and Barbara- The Moms & Daughters

Sonja and Regina chillin' (literally) at the Gardens...

My Mama and Me (and babies you can't see)

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

In Awe

Posted on May 2, 2011 by Regina

Exhale
In hindsight, whether I knew it or not, today was the day that I had been waiting for — not just waiting the last 10 weeks, but waiting for years.

We had our (almost) 10 week ultrasound today and it was truly amazing. We were left relieved, in awe and feeling truly blessed. We are going to have two babies. Holy, holy!

For me in particular, there is a way in which I have now exhaled on a deep cellular level. The amount of relief I feel at this point is so great and the excitment I feel about being pregnant and having TWO babies is almost more than finding out we were pregnant in the first place. Why? Because now, we’re solid. These babies are big, healthy and are sticking around. We are gonna be mamas and we are celebrating like never before.

Code of Silence… Lifted!
We are lifting the code of silence! Still not quite on fb yet… a few people we still want to tell in person but for now, you should know that you (our special group of private inside peeps) are now free to speak, well… freely.

Video
We were so excited to see that or little ones are extremely active and as you’ll see in this totally cool video, apparently very entertaining to Dr. H. The giddiness in his voice warms my heart. After he was all done measuring he went back to just hang out and watch them a bit he was so enthralled (as were we, of course).

We took about 10 minutes of video but clipped it down to just over 4mins. Still, it’s too long to get on this blog so I’ve attached a link to our mobile me gallery.

Oh, and even though we’ve lifted the code of silence, please do keep this video private.

I hope you enjoy it. As you’ll see… we are totally in awe and overjoyed!

Make sure to turn up your volume… you’ll want to hear this bit Dr. H shares. If you don’t have 4 whole minutes, just listen to the last 30-40 seconds…so sweet.

Link
http://gallery.me.com/ginamarlo/100029

Username: double
Password: blessing

* You may need to give it a moment to load/buffer.

Graduating
While it was super sad to leave ORM and we hugged and teared up with everyone we’ve grown so attached to, we were sent off with a fond farewell and a promise to keep in touch with major milestones and eventually our babies. Babies!!!!

I know I say this again and again but I just can’t stop feeling  so much gratitude… to each and every one of you for all your prayers, love and support. Guess what?! WE DID IT!!!!

Much love,
regina
xo

P.S. If the link doesn’t work for you, email me and we’ll try another way.

Posted in Believing, First Trimester, Friends, Love and Gratitude, What the ? | Leave a comment

I Had a Dream

Posted on May 1, 2011 by Regina

Recently I had a dream that both helped prepared me for being a lesbian mama and moved me to tears. Before I share the dream, let me back up just a tiny bit.

The last few months, Basic Right’s Oregon (also known as BRO) has been on a fierce crusade to make marriage legal for same sex couples. Gina and I have been part of the commercials that were shown locally and nationally in effort to raise money, raise awareness and shift swing voters.

Yesterday evening, Gina shared with me an experience she’d had over lunch that day. She was with a colleague who is a Christian. This colleague, we’ll call her Julie. Julie loves Gina but made it clear she would “… NEVER support gay marriage.” She prays for Gina daily. Julie brought up the conversation so Gina took the invitation to share her own opinion on the matter.

Gina said this:

“Julie, I am a flag-displaying, America-loving, willing-to-pick-up-arms-to-outside-invaders, proud American who loves her country. But I often feel I am not loved back by my country. I am a citizen who is expected to fulfill all the responsibilities of citizenship but not deemed worthy as receiving all of its rights. I envision a country where no one person’s moral belief can dominate another person’s moral belief. I dream of that. For now, how it is, makes me sad. Just really sad.”

I was so proud of Gina in the moment she shared this with me I grabbed her face on both sides, pulled her toward me, and kissed her on the lips. With tears in my eyes I looked in hers and said, “Thank you.” Thank you for speaking up, for being courageous and for taking on such a large political issue with such personal love and grace. One person at a time. Does a revolution happen any other way?

We cuddled up a while and I fell asleep on her shoulder. That’s when I had the dream.

I dreamt that I put a post on facebook that read: “Had a nightmare last night: dreamt that MY religion kept YOU a second-class citizen; paying taxes and dying for your country but no equal rights.” Then I woke up (in my dream still) and realized,  Wait, that’s me. That’s no nightmare/dream, that’s MY reality. That IS my life.

Still in the dream, the next thing I know I’m sobbing; shoulders collapsed and head down. A tall, black man is behind me hugging me, wrapping his arms all the way around me like a shield of love. He whispers in my ear, “I know. It’s okay. It’s going to be alright. The time will come.” I tell him that I’d read a book called the The Help that put in me the world of blacks being second-class citizens and I thought I had empathy then. That I’d been watching all these MLK biographies and witnessing the grotesque, violent assaults of people sitting in peaceful protests and while it hurt my heart immensely, only now do I really see what it is to be seen as “less than” by the majority of America and not be granted equal rights.

I told him that looking back in history, one thing I never could understand was how people who were forced to be segregated, beaten and enslaved could go on living their lives and being happy in their homes, parks, dance clubs, etc. How come they weren’t just enraged all the time? Then it occurred to me, that’s us Queers today.

While it’s not entirely the same, of course, the premise is. I am going about living my happy life with my happy friends and happy wife in an amazing community all the while underneath it all is a fact that can’t be ignored: we are second-class citizens in a state and country we give our hearts to. Some people love us but hate our sin and pray for our salvation (not our friends and families of course). Some people, who make laws, don’t even love us and simply want to punish us; at the very least deny us our basic civil rights. There are so many big and little indignities that we don’t think of until they are in front of our face; like renting a car, buying insurances, emergency and disaster situations, not to mention comments and looks (which surprisingly still happen in Portland and worse when we travel) and most importantly, having children where both mamas are not seen as legal guardians (leaving the child in danger should the one legal guardian perish, which there are ways around but of course, they cost lots of money leading to more fiscal punishment and inequality). See… not so different than MLK’s revolution, right?

In my dream, the man held me tighter and whispered in my ear again. This time, “Living your happy life IS your peaceful protest. Keep living. Keep being happy. Have your babies and your family. The time will come. The time is coming.”

The next morning Pema came over and I told her the dream. When I did, I choked up. Moved to tears again by the power of this seemingly small moment in time that changed me profoundly. I have always been an activist, particularly in my younger years driving my family and those around me crazy. My work for social justice and change has become less radical and more mainstream as I’ve aged. In fact, I thought of myself as falling more silent. Today, however, after that dream, my heart is moved and something changed in me. While I got this in my head before, I get it even more deeply now– that by living the life I live, being happily married and becoming happy mothers, I AM, we ARE being radical. And, I’m certain, that (not by accident) but because of this, our time will come.

Posted in Because We're Two Chicks, Believing, Love and Gratitude | 1 Comment